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Original poster

Men who are lazy but think they are saints?

43 replies

Idontlikemyhusband · 14/04/2015 21:22

I'm in my early 40s, I had two children in quick succession. They are now 2 and 3.

In September last year I had what could be described as a full on nervous breakdown. It was the result of a decade of laziness on my husbands part. I hit burnout, working full time in the city and looking after two (three) children.

I have not worked since September. I have had various ADs most of which have caused allergic reactions. Effexor makes me manic, Sertaline brings me out in blisters. The list is endless. I've had six months of counselling. I'm diagnosed as Bipolar.

My husband assumes because I'm at home that I should ensure the house is immaculate. He assumed that while I was working too. Which is what led to me breaking down.

Today after a night of very interrupted sleep I decided to take a nap. I took an antihistamine to make me drowsy.

Half an hour after I fell asleep nursery called to say my youngest was ill and could I collect her. I was drowsy from the antihistamine so asked his sister to collect her as I didn't want to risk driving. I could have walked with the buggy but SIL was happy enough to take the little one.

I collected my eldest from nursery later and the youngest from his sisters. Staying there an extra half hour to chat and to give him an opportunity to wind down after work.

When I came home he was obviously annoyed with me. Complained that I hadn't cleaned the house and had 'used' his sister.

I said I didn't want to drive 'just in case' and he said that I need to fix myself up.

He's also called me psychotic and threatened to take the children away because I'm an unfit mother. He is passive aggressive and twists things he's said.

This is all from a 45 year old man who can't even put his own clothes in the washing basket or put his dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. I think I want a divorce but I'm scared I'll lose my children because of my MH issues.

Any advice?

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 15/04/2015 07:18

Nicki his behaviour doesn't resonate with being happy. I don't know what this might be about because we haven't heard from him. Sometimes positions get polarised when there are stresses in the home.

Judging by what we have been told here, its in his hands to make things better. The question is whether he wants to, or if it isn't just too late.

OnNobodysSecretService · 15/04/2015 07:26

I had a similar sounding ex and had suffered depression since I was a teen. When I left he was full of how 'mental' I was, how I was abusing our baby, how lazy I was, how he was going to have me sectioned, on and on. He was determined he'd, easily, get full 'custody' of our baby and he got as far as stating in the divorce form that he'd apply for residence (or however it was put then).... and then never lifted another finger about it. Yet I was the lazy one. DC concerned is now 8 and he hasn't even visited in that time. Just because he says out doesn't make it true. You know what you want, for yourself and your kids, concentrate on that and pay no more attention to what he has to say about it.

Jengnr · 15/04/2015 08:06

He won't take the children. He doesn't want them because he would have to look after them if he did.

He knows that that would hurt you the most though so he uses it as a threat to keep you in line.

I bet your MH would improve dramatically with this knobhead out of your life.

PeppermintCrayon · 15/04/2015 08:32

What is your h like as a father to your dc ?

He abuses their mother, that's what he's like.

MozzchopsThirty · 15/04/2015 09:03

Excellent point peppermint!

Original poster
Idontlikemyhusband · 15/04/2015 19:31

I have laid down the law, he has agreed that he has been an abusive arse. If it is not adhered to (3 month trial) then he knows what will happen.

He has apologised and agreed to attend counselling. We shall see.

If within the three months he steps out of line then I will seek private advice (secretly) from a solicitor and start proceedings.

He is good with the children, but he knows that if he loses me he loses them too. I will not back down, it's all or nothing! And it won't be me moving out of this house, it will be him.

I can finance the house and children on my salary alone.

Thank you all for the advice.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 19:35

I can finance the house and children on my salary alone.

Just cut out the shit in the middle and get on with doing that

No abuser simply "admits" being an abusive arse and has a personality transplant overnight

if you have to "lay down the law" like you would to a teenager it won't be long until he acts out like one

Original poster
Idontlikemyhusband · 15/04/2015 20:15

I agree, but I need to get my ducks lined up and this is the perfect opportunity. Three months grace to get everything perfectly in place legally and back into full time employment. I'm no fool believe me, but just kicking him out will cause me to seem like the aggressor.

I need to be the wronged party here ;)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 20:26

So when you have to kick him out after all, how you will then not "seem like the aggressor" ?

winkywinkola · 15/04/2015 20:48

Why do you need to be the wronged party here? You ARE the wronged party.

Is it that you need to appear to be the wronged party? Who cares? If you're miserable because he's horrible (which he is) then that's all you need to know.

Or not?

Original poster
Idontlikemyhusband · 15/04/2015 20:49

Because we have significant financial assets and I want a good lawyer lined up to protect them. He will fuck up for sure.

If he was knocking me about or beating the children then he'd be out on his arse tonight. But he's not, he's just a lazy arrogant shit.

Sometimes you have to play the long game to get what you want. I'm prepared to take 12 weeks of BS to ensure I have a good legal team in place to protect my children and our future.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 20:52

it's been a decade so far

don't make it another one

SharonCurley · 15/04/2015 21:00

Very similar situation here.very controlling.has never bathed kids or done bedtime....comes home late during the week and I can here the sighing and banging around if the tidying is not up to his standard.I'm now realising that he is starting to become financially abusive.Luckily I have my own salary as I work full time.Id imagine if I didn't he would be more controlling.things have taken a turn for the worse here and funnily enough he is father of the year now

Louboutin37 · 15/04/2015 21:11

As a woman with her own salary and good career it makes me seethe when I see women who are putting up with this crap. If I can climb out of the stinking rock I was under three years ago anyone can. Sending a little supportive fist bump to all of you.

Take your time, plan it, get your strategy in place and don't give them any more slack on the rope. Then let them hang themselves and get out (or get them out) and get happy. Life is too short

Original poster
Idontlikemyhusband · 15/04/2015 21:12

12 weeks to sort a good QC and get things in order. Or kick him out and take my chances.

I think I'll choose my QC carefully, 12 weeks is not a decade and he will fuck up. He always does. In the mean time I'm preparing professional help so I can wring him dry.

I'll take my 12 weeks, smile, clean the house, look after the children, get back to work and then rip him a new arsehole. How does that sound AF? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontlikemyhusband · 15/04/2015 21:23

Thanks Louboutin that is exactly what I plan to do. I will get through this, and I will come out of it a better person Wink

OP posts:
Louboutin37 · 15/04/2015 21:42

Honestly, it's amazing on the other side. I took a long time (2 years) to sort myself out, 3 years on and I met my partner (having met him years ago with my ex) at a party and we've been inseparable since.

It probably all seems a bit hopeless now to think of the future as I didn't then but the guy I'm with now is my own personal hero and nothing is too much to ask of him.

My ex used to put me down all the time. Now I see that it was all control. Never ever will I let anyone do that again. And neither will you.

There's a big flashy disco light at the end of the tunnel xx

AnyFucker · 15/04/2015 22:02

I hope you get to that point Thanks

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