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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abused sister

46 replies

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 18:26

My dsis has been in an abusive relationship for 15 years. He is abusive in every way. Over the years things have got worse, he has put knives to her neck, thrown bleach in her face, strangled her, he likes to lock her in her bedroom for a couple of days at a time (usually around a religious festival) all the while tormenting her through the door, steals her money, has made her have ALOT of children, he has actually jumped out of a car and mugged her on the street taking her handbag ( with their children there), likes to threaten to kill the kids pets, made her discharge her self from hospital when she was seriously ill etc. The children have witnessed everything.
Despite all this she won't leave ( they dont live together, but close to each other) and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared for her and her children, especially the girls as he has said some pretty abhorrent things in the past (once they can bleed they can breed, wanting to marry them off at 13 to stop them being " slags' etc), he had an affair with a 15 year old and attempted to groom me when I was younger.
If reported them to children's services several times and the police, which resulted in her cutting me out for 2 years. When we got talking again I couldn't believe how disturbed her children had become. They behave oddly, very violent, make animal noises etc.

I'm now at a loss over what I can do. Nobody seems to care about the kids or my sister. Sometimes she phones me while he is beating her and I have to listen to her screams befor the phone goes dead. It makes me feel physically ill with worry. If I phone the police or children's services they do nothing though. I'm so worried he is going to kill her. How can I help them??!

( sorry if its a bit of a ramble, I can't think about it all clearly and just needed to get it out)

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 18:29

Please go to your local social services department and ask to speak to the manager.

Your sister has gone past the point of sense.

FadedRed123 · 14/04/2015 18:36

NSPCC?

notsurewot2do32 · 14/04/2015 18:41

Oh my god the OP makes me ill! No words to help but .

pocketsaviour · 14/04/2015 18:49

Agree with going to a head of at SS and if you know which school the kids go to I would also contact them as there is a duty of care.

TBH if the kids are making animal noises and are violent I'm surprised the school isn't already involved.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2015 19:09

Report and keep reporting. Don't take 'no action' for an answer. Go up the chain of command until you find someone who will do something.

Unfortunately, your sister is an adult and has the 'right' to stay in an abusive relationship. In essence, you will have to let her go as she is choosing this. Let her know you will support her when she leaves but that as long as she stays, you cannot help her. But you must do your utmost to protect the children up to and including getting them removed from the home AND from your sister.

Where are your parents in all of this? If they don't know, if she's managed to hide the true nature of the relationship from them then you need to tell them what's going on. You are under no compunction to keep her secrets.

badtime · 14/04/2015 19:28

OP, you mention 'a religious festival'.

Obviously I don't know what religion, but if it is something other than Chritianity, do you think it is possible that the authorities are ignoring this in some misguided attempt to be 'culturally sensitive'?

If so, you may have more success with them now than in the past (given the absolute pasting police and social services have taken for failing to get involved with grooming gangs and their victims for fear of looking racist/discriminatory).

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 19:32

Thank you for the replies.
If contacted the NSPCC who refered it to CS last time. That resulted in the kids being put on a child protection plan. During that time she was moved to a safe house but he would still go there everyday. I phoned CS whenever I knew he was in the house but they never did anything. The school are worse than usless, they seem to hate my sisters children and are very unpleasant to them. All they suggest is an educational psychologist ( that never appears).
At the moment she has some support workers who themselves have reported recent abuse but nothing came of it. My sister and her partner have lied and told social workers that I'm a drug addict and alcoholic so they pay no notice of me. ( I have never taken drugs and I don't drink alcohol at all.)
I wish the man would just die.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 19:37

Sorry, cross posted.

I think it more than likely that cultural sensitivity has played a part. They took an Imam with them to the CP meetings ( which I'm astounded is allowed).

OP posts:

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 19:40

Our parents are unable to help.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 19:47

Why don't you write to the chief executive of children's services and threaten to go to the papers if nothing is done.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 19:48

Have you contacted the Muslim Women's Network for advice?

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 20:09

What can I say to the chief executive that they don't already know?
What if they still do nothing and I lose my sister and the children again? The kids deteriorated so much last time. I'm scared of not being there for them.
The specialist Muslim women's refuge in our city was closed by the council last year and my sis won't listen to them anyway. Her and her partner are quite extremist, even married by a hate preacher. Her partner has attended " training" camps in the past. I would phone the counter terrorism unit if I had proof.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 20:12

Have you contacted the Muslim Women's Network?

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 20:14

No, what can they do?

OP posts:

Superworm · 14/04/2015 20:15

Write and keep writing, if nothing else it will all be documented that you raised concerns again and again.

Have you tried contacting the support worker to discuss things? His behaviour sound utterly depraved, your poor, poor sister and DN's.

cozietoesie · 14/04/2015 20:28

They have a national helpline which is part time but might get you some useful local links or contact with sisters locally. It's worth trying anything in addition to the suggestions from other posters.

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 20:30

If tried contacting them but no one ever gets back.
I will try contacting the MWN and I will also start writing everything down so its all documented.

I know its pathetic but I'm scared he might come after me and my child if I report it again. I feel stuck

OP posts:

Superworm · 14/04/2015 21:09

I don't think it's pathetic at all. He sounds pretty terrifying and a bit untouchable at the moment, so no wonder you're worried for your safety.

Really hope you make some progress with somebody.

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 21:37

Thank you.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2015 21:46

If you believe he has been radicalized then you should report him, even if you have no actual proof. It's up to the authorities to investigate any allegations. I'm sure they have tools and access to information to check on your allegations.

I understand your fears for yourself and of course you shouldn't put yourself or your child in danger.

I assume that either your parents aren't in the country or they themselves are part of the problem. Otherwise I'm sure they'd want to help.

Original poster

itsallawry · 14/04/2015 22:06

The " training" camps were in Derbyshire, I don't know much else about it so I doubt the antiterrorism people could find much out.

Parents have LTNCs so can't help. Thank you though.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 15/04/2015 00:30

I suppose not, but you never know. Since your sister won't leave him and probably won't cooperate with the police on domestic violence charges, I was hoping that would get him away from her.

Sorry about your parents. My late dad had a LTNC, it's very hard.

Are there any other family members who could help you? It just sounds as if you're so alone in this and I feel so bad for you.

Original poster

itsallawry · 15/04/2015 08:35

Its just me, the rest have washed their hands of her. We have tried moving her several times, even helped her move country.

For the moment I'm just going to take peoples advice and write everything down so that there is some record at least. Just feel like I'm failing the kids though.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 15/04/2015 08:58

Have you tried your MP? You may get lucky...

So sorry for this appalling situation op

Meerka · 15/04/2015 09:17

Report him itsallawry. The counterterrorism people don't need proof. They don't get their leads by 'proof' but by tipoffs because they are investigators, not courts of law and not policemen. They just don't advertise that massively. You have more than enough to quietly speak to them.

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