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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your OH look after you?

45 replies

DavidTennantsBeard · 14/04/2015 18:06

I've been doing a lot of soul searching about what is wrong with my marriage, and in a nutshell I feel that my DH does not look after me. I spend a lot of time and head space looking after the DCs and our family life. For example, planning our social life, keeping the house running, making sure DCs are clothed, we are all fed etc. DH does his share of household chores but I don't feel like anyone looks after me? He doesn't spontaneously show affection, or really take the initiative-if I ask him to do something he will do it but that's it. Our sex life is good but I feel it's more because I know how to get him off than that he finds me attractive if you see what I mean?
Is this normal, don't know if I'm chasing something that doesn't exist here!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 14/04/2015 18:09

If you feel dissatisfied then you can't help that, it doesn't sound like you work as a team or are equal, you seem to be the one carrying everyone else, that's really not fair, we all need to feel special now and again, I think your DH is taking you for granted, does he ever do anything nice for you?

123upthere · 14/04/2015 18:10

How often do you see each other? Does he work long hours?

Original poster
DavidTennantsBeard · 14/04/2015 18:16

We both work full time and have 3 DC.
I do feel like I am carrying everyone else and that I always have to be the adult. I would like him to take the lead more so I don't always feel like I have to ask him if I want him to do stuff. I don't know if I am being totally unreasonable to expect him to take the initiative.

OP posts:
123upthere · 14/04/2015 18:21

Then you need to just tell him these things. You sound exhausted so he needs to see this and comfort you. Explain that you need him to comfort you and tall you often how he values you. I had to remind my DH of this recently and it has really helped. Sometimes they get swept up in work busyness of raising a family and forget to actually be present and communicative. Just tell him what you need. And perhaps start doing less around home so he has to step up? How long have you been together?

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 18:23

I don't know if I am being totally unreasonable to expect him to take the initiative.

Neither do I. I do think that you're being unreasonable for expecting him to read your mind Flowers

I think you need to tell him what you need more of, e.g. this week can you organise Saturday for the kids and plan tea for Sunday.

Mrspepperpotty · 14/04/2015 18:26

Fwiw I think what you've described is fairly normal. I'm not saying it's right though.

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 18:27

I know where you're coming from. Men just seem to think everything happens naturally do t they? Erm no it happens because I make it happen and now I'm fed up of doing it all so you need to take the baton from me!

Tell him he needs to start doing more.

123upthere · 14/04/2015 18:33

And sometimes it's ok to just not carry everyone or everything around the home. Let things go for a few days and relax, make talking with DH the priority in the evenings rather than ironing or cleaning for example. Go for a walk together with DCs? Plan a trip to a beach/country park at weekend? Lunch out?

Jackieharris · 14/04/2015 18:38

Have you read wifework?

Lydiand · 14/04/2015 18:41

You're a victim of your own capability, he knows that you're a safe pair of hands so he leaves you to it.

I'm not sure what the answer is, because I'm exactly the same, although my DH is quite affectionate which helps.

juneau · 14/04/2015 18:43

I think YABU to expect him to read your mind! FWIW your marriage sounds pretty typical to me - two busy, tired people working FT and raising three DC. You're managing to have regular sex, which is something, believe me! But what you're not doing is communicating. You need to have a chat, or a series of chats, about how things are working and what changes you'd really like to see. If you want him to take more initiative you have to spell it out - ask him to take responsibility for certain things, agree that you'll take it in turns to arrange social things, and how about booking either some time together to go out and chat, or perhaps a few sessions with a marriage counsellor so you can thrash out what's bothering you in a non-judgemental place. Perhaps what you need is a regular 'marriage MOT', like Marina Fogle suggests:

www.telegraph.co.uk/goodlife/11495184/Marina-Fogle-why-my-marriage-to-Ben-needs-an-MOT.html

CO2Neutral · 14/04/2015 18:45

working FT and then taking on board the entire emotional well being of the family is a huge burden

but you are probably coming across as totally capable to dh and therefore he's leaving you to it

drop a few things - tell him you need to share some responsibilities (like get him to cook a few times during the week, get him to book some nights out)

as someone else said, he isn't a mind reader. You've probably done this for years and he's totally used to it.

juneau · 14/04/2015 18:47

Men just seem to think everything happens naturally

And this^. I don't generally like sweeping statements, but I think a lot of women are extremely good multi-taskers and jugglers of work and household and children and social commitments, etc, and a lot of men take this for granted. Christmas just 'happens', holidays just get booked and shopped for and packed for, children get to and from activities, nights out with friends just 'appear' on the calendar. We're all just rather too good at this!

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 18:49

I think it's an offensive, factually-incorrect statement and it's not one that's true in this house.

Queenofwands · 14/04/2015 18:50

MY GF does everything for me and I don't always notice. Sometimes she gets fed up ....So it's not just Men. I do all the cooking though. I just don't seem to notice the things she does.

PeppermintCrayon · 14/04/2015 18:55

I also think that's offensive as I know some very kind and thoughtful men. One of them is my husband.

I do think you need to talk and not expect him to read your mind. And also what is your actual definition of 'looking after'? Do you even know what you mean?

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2015 18:58

Yes he does. In fact, h does more of looking after me than i do of him. But we don't live together and he alsohas a house and kids to run so perhaps knows a bit better what a lot of effort that takes

Lydiand · 14/04/2015 19:04

I think that you don't feel cherished DavidT , it's not really about the chores.

Vivacia · 14/04/2015 19:49

I agree with Lydia. "Look after" is not a term that usually refers to chores.

Original poster
DavidTennantsBeard · 14/04/2015 19:59

Yes, it's not just about the chores. It's that DH doesn't "cherish" me as a person. Maybe it's just long years of marriage, but he doesn't seem to ever be pro-active to make an effort to please me, eg picking up something from the shop I may like, giving me a hug, etc

OP posts:
CO2Neutral · 14/04/2015 20:01

but it's also the little things and chores can go a long way with helping with that

I also don't see why, if you both work FT, you are bearing all the responsibilities for the household. That would piss me off (in fact it did, and I got divorced).

Not cherished yes I can see that. But doing absobloodylutely everything makes you feel that way!

ConfusedInBath · 14/04/2015 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveareadingthanks · 14/04/2015 20:31

It's the tiny things that make a difference. Someone bringing you a cup of tea out of the blue in bed. Someone noticing you look extra tired/stressed and giving you a hug and a footrub on the sofa in front of the TV. The small caring things.

It's very easy for these to get pushed aside when you are so busy and have a house and children to look after. It's really important you tell your husband how you feel, not accusingly, more in a general way that you both need to make sure you appreciate and notice each other, and make the effort to keep your own 'couple' relationship on track and don't fall into being just Mum and Dad and the practical stuff.

And see if he'll take over some of the 'wifework' of getting everything organised; it's soul destroying for one person to be taken for granted in this way.

yougotafriend · 14/04/2015 20:53

12 yrs ago I was rushed into hosp needing my gall bladder removed, I was in for a week and a couple of days after the op when they told me I could go home, I burst into tears and asked if I had to.... They let me stay an extra night!!

The point being it was the first time I had felt looked after since meeting exH 11 years previously! You are not alone, doesn't make it right tho

AmyElliotDunne · 14/04/2015 20:58

I agree with other posters. Feeling cherished isn't necessarily about the housework, it's about the little things.

My DP doesn't live with me full time so the housework/ kids stuff / family organisation etc isn't really his job (he has his own house and kids to organise). If anything I 'look after' him more, I cook for him most of the time, massage his shoulders, cut his hair, buy things he likes while I'm at the shops etc.

However, I do feel cherished because he does help out with chores when he's here or he will at least come up and molest hug me while I'm doing them, he messages me during the day to tell me he loves me, he gives me foot rubs and head massages while we're watching TV, makes me tea, takes me out for lunch. He's the one who usually suggests holidays and weekends away, although we often plan and book them together. He buys little things, flowers etc and brings food with him.

There's a lot of give and take in our relationship and this is why it works so well. We're both very generous with time, affection and cash so it works well. If only one of us was willing to give and the other was all take, there would be resentment. Sometimes if I feel the balance is going too far his way I will pull him up on it and he will usually point out things I've forgotten and I realise that actually I've got nothing to moan about!

Your DH giving you a hug or picking up something from the shop that he knows you like is really the least you should expect. You need to talk to him about your soul searching and the conclusion that you're not being taken care of. He needs to step up.

I remember reading something about mums being the jug, while DH and the dcs are all the glasses. If you keep giving but you're not getting anything in return you end up empty. They all need to be refilling your jug on a daily basis!