Does your OH look after you?

[DavidTennantsBeard]

I've been doing a lot of soul searching about what is wrong with my marriage, and in a nutshell I feel that my DH does not look after me. I spend a lot of time and head space looking after the DCs and our family life. For example, planning our social life, keeping the house running, making sure DCs are clothed, we are all fed etc. DH does his share of household chores but I don't feel like anyone looks after me? He doesn't spontaneously show affection, or really take the initiative-if I ask him to do something he will do it but that's it. Our sex life is good but I feel it's more because I know how to get him off than that he finds me attractive if you see what I mean?
Is this normal, don't know if I'm chasing something that doesn't exist here!

I agree with others that is kind of situation (not feeling appreciated, attractive, cherished) is fairly common. Talk to him. Tell him it's not about blame, it's about how you are feeling.

I feel very looked after by my DH. He is a very caring, affectionate person though, so it comes naturally to him. Perhaps your man just needs some pointers from you with regards to what you want?

I think it's worth doing that love languages quiz thing as sometimes that can be a factor.

We are seeing a couples counsellor and I will bring it up in our next session. I just feel that he never spontaneously thinks to do anything for my welfare but I'm not sure to what extent other men do? I can tell him that's how I feel but I am not sure whether this will change him in any way after 20 years.

Ps when we first met it was different. I was going through a rough time at uni and he was a shoulder to cry on and support. But that hasn't been the case in later years.

My OH is very kind, considerate and loving, I'm very lucky as I know many people feel like you

I don't expect my parter to 'look after' me. I'm a grown woman and can look after myself very well thank you very much. However I do expect my partner to participate equally in a relationship, which thankfully he does.

He's not a mind reader, tell him what you would like!

I am not saying this to make you sad, but as an example if you want it.

DH and I are mostly in the same space as you are - he does quite a lot of household stuff, but the kitchen is getting more and more left to me and I certainly tend to do most of the planning and organizing. 1 DC but having high functioning aspergers/ADHD, she's a handful and takes a fair amount of energy (doing things with her, watching and controlling certain environments, bringing her to lots of activities to give her social outlets and burn off energy, and keeping track of what foods are "ok" this week and what clothes are acceptable....).

At the same time, he will still come home from getting a few messages with DD having added a bunch of flowers to it for me. Or get a bar of chocolate that he knows I like (I don't eat a lot of choc, but there is 1 that I indulge in on occasion). Or buy buns for us all at the weekend but making sure that there's 1 I'd really like in that (and offering to give me the one he earmarked as his if he made the wrong choice and I'd prefer his). And he will also offer to do school runs when he is going to be home earlier than expected and take the pressure off me too. (He has made some grand gestures too when travelling frequently so I have some rather nice jewellery too - but that is more related to guilt about long absences). On his last trip (just a day trip), he did ring me from the airport checking which perfume I like so he could buy the right one (he was thinking about one I used to wear so I was able to point him to the one I wear now ).

It's not every day or even every week, but at least every month or 6 weeks. And it can be much more frequent than that, but I don't think it tend to go longer than about 6 weeks at a time between gestures.

It is definitely NOT to say that I don't feel taken for granted at times - we both work FT. But I know that I could make him step up more on the organization front if I actually said more or asked for more specific things or didn't immediately turn around and start cooking when I get home, for example. So I do take some responsibility for it - and there are things I'd love him to do like rub my shoulders to unknot the muscles sometimes - but I know what he's like after 19 years together and we do rub along well still and love each other, so I take the good and the not so perfect mixed together.

David, FWIW, my XH was nothing like my now DP and I always wrote it off as "just how men are". He would try and tell me that men don't think like that or I had watched too much TV and had a false idea about relationships and families if I expected him to make me feel loved and special.

However, once we'd split up and I met DP I realised that some men DO make the little gestures and do want spontaneous affection, XH and I just weren't well matched - another woman might have appreciated his more practical qualities (in fact he has a GF now and while I'm sure he does nice things for her, I can't imagine he's had a complete personality transplant, but she must be happy with what he has to offer her!).

Two people who both want the best for each other WILL do the little things that make the other one feel loved. It's not an unrealistic expectation.

I don't feel DH looks after me (when I met him I already looked after myself fine) and I rarely feel I need looking after. He's not a naturally affectionate person, a rubbish nurse and rarely buys me flowers.

However he does spontaneously do little things that let me know he cares, like putting music or books about which I've expressed an interest onto the relevant devices because doing that sort of thing is a chore for me, I would just listen or read something else. He is also great at arranging childcare and a night out/away.

I think partners looking after each other is a very basic and necessary part of a relationship, without that caring and cherishing what is left?

I love my DH and so I only want good things for him, I want him to feel loved and special and important and so I will do things to make him feel that way. He feels the same way about me and so I know he will always put my best interests first and make me feel adored

It might not come easily to some people but I still think it is the least that can be expected

I can tell him that's how I feel but I am not sure whether this will change him in any way after 20 years.

I think you're right about that. He is the way he is and when you marry someone you get ALL of them, the bits you like and the bits you don't. But it seems a bit strange, tbh, that you suddenly have an issue with this most fundamental part of your DH's character. You say he was caring and 'a shoulder to cry on' at university, but that was 20 years ago! If you haven't needed him to play that role for 20 years is it any wonder that he doesn't deem it necessary on a day-to-day basis?

I think its a mistake to think that one person will meet your every need. Don't you have family or friends who you can have a moan to and get support from? My DH is not especially supportive, so I don't expect him to be and I go elsewhere if I need a bit of emotional propping up.

Juneau, I have a lot of amazing support from friends and family which is how I have got through difficult times when DH has not stepped up. I guess I thought I was ok with it but more recently realised that I feel rather as if I have to be the adult all the time in our relationship whereas he is the child, and that's not really a good thing for a relationship....

Scrap it all, lazy arse couldn't be bothered to go to shop and buy something for tea when I asked him, although he's been off work all day with the car and I've been working. Fuck this shit!

Oh god. Apparently he didn't go to the shop as he was "waiting for his dad to leave" and his dad was waiting for me to come home so he could say hello to me (?) With 3 kids at home who needed their tea, and my train home was delayed. So obviously it's all my fault!!!

I don't actually care any more whether it's me who's the nutter. I just can't live like this anymore

That is more than 'not looking after you'. Did he even mention it to his father ? My FIL would have looked after the kids or gone on DHs behalf.

Of course he should have popped out to the shops while his dad was there! Is FIL not capable of minding the DC for half an hour?

Have you seen your couples counselor and was your dissatisfaction the reason for the appointment. If not, can I ask why the appointment was made and does your H understand?

There's a lot more to being a partner than just doing your chores and he should be embarrassed about the lame arsed FIL excuse. It's frustrating and sad when you have to spell it out to someone who supposedly cares for you, that their being lazy and neglectful but needs must.

If you haven't spelt it out to him and negotiated a better distribution of responsibilities, then there is no time like the present. Now that you've articulated your dissatisfaction to yourself, if nothing changes, it's incredible how fast the resentment kicks in and starts to corrode the relationship. He may never be the spontaneous type but he should at least be pulling his weight and not just practically but maintaining the emotional connection to his partner as well.

When you raise the subject with him, you need to be specific about what you want and how the lack of initiative/ appreciation translates into how you feel about him and your relationship and be honest about the threat to your relationship if this continues.

Oh Gosh! That sounds like such hard work for you! Ex would have popped out leaving fil with kids.It sounds like as well as all the practical stuff, you are also in charge of the emotional work too - that's exhausting. How is the couples counselling going