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Original poster

Fight or flight?

36 replies

RebelRobin · 14/04/2015 17:13

I am having minor problems with my lovely partner who is so nice he won't block an ex girlfriend from all social media and phone. So, if it does carry on and we have the 'it's me or her' talk - because it will come to that eventually - and he still won't remove her, do I fight or flight?? Do I just say - you've made your choice and thats her, or do you put up a fight for him???

What would you do?

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 14/04/2015 17:15

Why should he block her? Confused Unless she's harassing him in some way or he's got form for sending inappropriate messages to her, I don't get the issue.

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2015 17:18

Are you the person with partner whose ex is depressed and always getting in touch, and trying to get him back, and they were in a relationship for ages?

Original poster
RebelRobin · 14/04/2015 17:24

MerryMarigold No Im not her. This woman had a relationship with him a year ago. He has told her he is not interested but she keeps texting him. He does ignore them, but I think he should just block her. He hasn't yet, but this is a new relationship for us and I dont feel I can dictate to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RebelRobin · 14/04/2015 17:25

She is constantly getting in touch with him. She tells him she loves him and wants him back. He has told her he is seeing me. I hate it.

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 14/04/2015 17:27

In that case I see your point a bit more. Have you asked him why he won't block her and if so what's his response? Just brushes it off? Does he perhaps like the attention or like knowing she's there as a back up?
Have to say, if I were your boyfriend I would block her if I saw how much it was upsetting my girlfriend.

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 17:32

I see your point. If I was in your shoes I would ask him to block her from all forms of contact. After all they aren't friends (from what you say) so there is no point in communication.

If he refuses then I would think he enjoys the attention.

I certainly wouldn't fight it.

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2015 17:36

How long was their relationship? Are they friends? Do they have mutual friends?

venusandmars · 14/04/2015 17:40

How long have you been in a relationship with him?

Original poster
RebelRobin · 14/04/2015 17:41

I think there are mutual friends. We will meet at some point, Im scared of completely losing it and getting upset when this happens. I see her name come up on his phone and it is like a kick in the stomach. He hasnt messaged her back, I have to believe that and he is a lovely (too nice) guy. I just cannot see the hold she has over the blocking thing..I dont want to get his phone and do it for him, even though this is tempting.

When we are apart, Im wondering all sorts. It makes me feel sick

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/04/2015 17:41

How do you know do you read his messages?

Original poster
RebelRobin · 14/04/2015 17:42

I have been with him for only a few months but the relationship is good and we have met eachothers families which is new for me

OP posts:
Original poster
RebelRobin · 14/04/2015 17:43

I do not read his messages. I just see her name come up

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/04/2015 17:45

So how do you know she is telling h she loves him and wants him bk? Is this what he tells you?

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2015 17:46

I think you sound insecure and controlling tbh. If you can't trust him with her, you can't trust him at a Christmas party, or going out with friends without you etc. etc.

Also, if you blocked her, or suggest he blocks her, you are trying to control who he has contact with. That would do my head in, especially a recent relationship. My dh would go crazy if I tried to control who messaged him! But I haven't had a new relationship for a long time so I can't remember the insecurities.

If he is really just 'too nice' to block her then appreciate that about him, and start trusting him/ stop trying to control him.

MerryMarigold · 14/04/2015 17:47

(An insecure woman is not very attractive either. You need to be confident and secure.)

Original poster
RebelRobin · 14/04/2015 17:52

I appreciate your honest advice. I do not want to tell him who he can have on his facebook/phone etc - but it upsets me that he knows it upsets me and I feel anxious about it, yet he chooses to keep her on there! Thats all! I do trust him, its her I dont trust if that makes sense!

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 14/04/2015 17:58

Well, you said he's nice. He's either nice and strong enough to keep a friend he wants to keep. Or he's selfish and inconsiderate and enjoying the attention.

Lacoba66 · 14/04/2015 18:06

OP, I would suggest that you leave it for several more months and then if it continues and she is sending the type of msg's that you say she is, then you should question his motives in 'colluding' with it.

Perhaps, even feel a little bit sorry for her, as she quite clearly hasn't let go.

Lastly I would suggest that you don't let this become a big issue, but if he is unwilling to deal with it, then perhaps examin his moral compass (nice as he is).

nicenewdusters · 14/04/2015 21:08

If I was him, what would I be weighing up ? On the one hand, an ex is contacting me - regularly- to what end ? She still likes me, she just wants to be friends ? On the other hand, I'm seeing somebody new, and she feels very threatened and upset by an ex getting in regular contact. Who means the most to me, and whose needs come first ?

I don't think anybody should be deemed to be "too nice". This is often an excuse for being weak, naive, immature, etc. Even if he doesn't want to block her because he thinks it would be mean, unnecessary, he's already showing you what level of support and understanding he will provide when you are upset about his actions.

pocketsaviour · 14/04/2015 21:17

Assuming there are no kids in the picture, he should be blocking her if these messages are all "I love you, let's try again" type. (Are you sure they are?)

I find it hard to believe that she keeps texting into a void. If he's not replying, she would eventually get bored.

If you do have the "block her or I'm out of here" convo, then you have to be prepared to follow through. It sounds like you're already experiencing anxiety over the situation, which at a few months in sounds like too much work to me.

MerryMarigold · 15/04/2015 15:49

he's already showing you what level of support and understanding he will provide when you are upset about his actions.

Even when there is no reason to be upset. I should think he's doing an internal eye roll!

WhoNickedMyName · 15/04/2015 15:59

if all you see is her name pop up, how do you know she's telling him she loves him and wants him back? is he telling you this?

my first thoughts are he's getting some kind of kick winding you up with this.

newbieman1978 · 15/04/2015 16:07

I was in a similar (but different!) position when I met my wife, I had a few women texting and phoning me, girls that I'd never been in relationships with but had been on dates.
All the contact had become just friends type stuff but my wife was a bit insecure back then. It came to a head when I answered a call while on holiday. Wife was pissed off and asked me to change my number and stop contact.
We'd been together about 5/6 months by then.
I did as my now wife asked and have never really worried about it. This was before facebook ect so just as simple as getting a new phone SIM card.

You might find your man understands and does as I did.

newstart15 · 15/04/2015 16:56

I have 3 thoughts - you are insecure and the messages are harmless; your instinct is raising red flags or he is still in transition from the ex and has yet to close the door on that relationship - perhaps she or he perceives there is some unfinished business.

If it's your instinct ringing alarms bells then I think you need to reflect on the long term consequences. I don't buy the 'nice guy' explanation. People do or don't do things because there is a payoff for them. 'No More Mr Nice Guy' is a very interesting book that explains why some people, often men, maintain the 'nice guy' image even if it has high cost to others.

It's pretty tough being with the perennial Mr Nice Guy as your needs can be regularly 'sacrificed' to maintain his image. Get yourself informed but I think your instinct is to walk.

BoozeyTuesday · 15/04/2015 17:00

Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned? what would he want you to do?

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