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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional affair turned serious

45 replies

lostasusual23 · 14/04/2015 14:11

I have been with my husband for 22 years, married 14. We have DC. Things started off well and we were happy. Slowly over the years, things have changed. We still get on but he is not very interested in sex and it is a real struggle to have any sort of sex life. I just thought he had lost interest until I checked his phone and found he has been looking at a lot of porn, so I guess he is still interested in sex just not with me. I have found his porn stashes over the years, each time he says he will give it up but he just hides it better. He prefers the porn sadly. The lack of sex upsets me terribly.

I have been chatting to a friend online and we are now having an emotional affair. I have not met him but we have spoken on the phone and online a lot. We really get and he has brought some joy to my life. He makes me laugh and lifts my spirits. He describes sex beautifully and erotically. He is now pushing to meet. I don't know what to do. They couldn't be more different. My DH is a professional, earning a good salary and does look after me and DC despite his faults. I am also management level. This man I am having an emotional affair with is unemployed, on benefits, but he is very romantic and loving. He has talked of us having a future together (probably just talk for sex I am guessing).

I guess what I am asking is, would it better to stay in a marriage where there is very little sex but I have a comfortable life or leave him for this other man who would be passionate and loving but we would struggle financially? I am not at this stage yet, but I wonder if I should meet him at all? Would be meeting him be the start of an affair? Or maybe meeting him might make realise this is not for me.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 14/04/2015 14:15

Only you know if there are enough reasons to stay, personally the fact he is refusing sex and getting his rocks off elsewhere, be it online or not, would be a deal breaker for me, I'd end the marriage.

I think you are playing a dangerous game, you either want a relationship with a man that involves sex or you don't, sounds like you do, in that case, wave goodbye to hubby and see what is out there for you, don't start one relationship when you are still married.

fedup2015 · 14/04/2015 14:15

Have u tried to fix the sex issue with your husband? I doubt the grass would he greener on the other side here, this OM is excited about you but that fizzles out, plus he seems attractive as he's paying you attention but could you really put up with him living off you?

Quitelikely · 14/04/2015 14:18

The grass is greener where you water it and no I wouldn't give up your life for a man similar to the one you describe.

Love does not pay the rent.

pocketsaviour · 14/04/2015 14:21

He has talked of us having a future together (probably just talk for sex I am guessing).

Sounds like your instincts are bang on there.

This OM is a red herring. He has made you feel attractive and wanted and when your H has been rejecting you for so long, that's a heady brew.

As you have DC I think you owe yourselves a chance to fix the marriage. Cut this OM off, he is a distraction. Speak to H and let him know that you're seriously thinking of leaving if he isn't willing to meet your sexual needs. If he's not willing to meet your needs, is he willing to open the marriage so you can get those needs met elsewhere but not with someone who would threaten the emotional side of the marriage?

You do deserve the chance to find someone to cherish you and desire you sexually. Equally your H deserves to say "no I'm not interested in sex", at which point you are entitled to walk away if you feel you can't live like that (I couldn't.)

Fudgeface123 · 14/04/2015 14:24

OM could be telling you what you want to hear because you're a professional woman with probably a good salary. Be very careful

Psipsina · 14/04/2015 14:26

Oh gosh OP you do realise it doesn't have to be either?

Whatever you do, please don't leave someone 'for' someone else. Either leave your H and then send some time sorting out what you want, getting to know the new bloke slowly or not dating anyone for a while, or stay put and try and sort it out with H.

Please don't start involving a third party at this stage. It isn't fair on him and won't do you any good.

You don't have to be with a man to be worthwhile.

Psipsina · 14/04/2015 14:27

I mean, you don't have to have another man in the picture in order to leave someone you aren't happy with.

It isn't like monkeys you know, needing to grab another vine before letting go of the first one

Twinklestein · 14/04/2015 14:35

This man is... unemployed, on benefits

Kerching, you've hooked yourself cocklodger.

He may be shit in bed, in which case it would just be lodger.

magoria · 14/04/2015 17:07

Get rid of your H. Get rid of OM he is just a distraction from your current life. Spend some time on your own and then meet a bloke.

AlisonSmithers · 14/04/2015 17:14

I've had loads of first dates with men I've met online - there's almost always something wrong with them whatever bollocks they tell you - you'll probably find him not in the least attractive in RL. I'd keep my comfy life if i were you.

RandomMess · 14/04/2015 17:20

Stay where you are and have some very honest discussions with your H about how unhappy his porn addiction is making you. Perhaps discuss the possibility of you having an open relationship so you both get your sexual needs met? Will be interesting to see how he feels about that.

Get rid of OM he is a fantasy and disaster waiting to happen. Your marriage may end but then you'd be free to meet someone else rather than a cocklodger.

pinkfrocks · 14/04/2015 17:35

Agree with the others. OM is showing you there is life after your DH but he doesn't sound a good bet himself. He could be your exit affair and the little kick up the bum you need to break free. If you have already decided to leave DH in your head then go for it- but look on it as a fling as it doesn't sound- on paper- like a good long term bet.

BUT- big but- you ought to feel sure you have done all you can to save your marriage- ie counselling for you both as a couple, and maybe for you alone to work through your thoughts.

If you know deep down your marriage is over then leave- but don't go from the fat into the frying pan. Get your own place- rent for a while- and see what transpires from then on.

Funnytobe · 14/04/2015 17:42

Well you've been married long enough to know if it's working for you or not but I think you should keep the 'affair' and your marriage totally separate.

As a pp says, if you have done online dating, you will know that most men you meet up with you will not see again for various reasons. They are unlikely to be the love of your life no matter what kind of connection you think you have built up. If you are sharing intimate details about yourself with a man you have never met, you will feel seriously stupid if you meet him and don't like him on sight. And to already be thinking about a future with him is madness.

Allofaflumble · 14/04/2015 17:48

Its not clear if you know this man in RL but if it is just someone online be very careful.

You are feeling unwanted and therefore you are vulnerable. I was like that one time. Not married though. I struck up a friendship online. We fell madly in love on line and were longing for each other.

When we finally met there was really nothing there and the sex was men. In fact I felt very uncomfortable with him.

It was all an escape from reality. Don't give up your marriage for a fling with a CL. Either work it out or leave your H.

I would be upset about the porn though so quite understand how you feel so let down.

Allofaflumble · 14/04/2015 17:49

meh!

Cherryapple1 · 14/04/2015 17:53

I would leave your husband to his porn addiction and be single. The OM sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Michal12 · 14/04/2015 17:57

I have just got off the phone with a friend who is in more or less exactly the same situ. I agree with randomMess. You need to talk to your dh and be honest with each other. A relationship with lies will not survive. You sound as if you have a lot to work on but it's best out in the open. Its not an unusual situation from reading on here it could be a lot worse.

staffiegirl · 14/04/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildBillfemale · 14/04/2015 18:12

Of course meeting internet man would be the start of an affair, you are both already hot and bothered!

GirlWithaPearlEarring · 14/04/2015 18:18

Kerching, you've hooked yourself cocklodger.

He may be shit in bed, in which case it would just be lodger.

Twinklestein

Yep probably the latter.

Don't go there O.P. Try to address things with your husband.

winkywinkola · 14/04/2015 18:43

If you're unhappy please try to sort it out with your h or leave him.

Please please don't make a horrible painful mess by bringing in another person to this marriage. You will cause so much distress. For everyone.

Sort it out with Relate or counselling. Maybe if you ask your h to leave for a while that will shake him up and make him reconsider his position and efforts regarding his marriage.

ALaughAMinute · 14/04/2015 19:05

Wow, it sounds to me as if you are taking this online affair way too seriously! Go and have a cold shower and wake up! You haven't even met this man yet and you are already thinking about the possibility of a future together. What on earth are you thinking? Alarm bells should be ringing!

You need to decide it you want to stay with your H before you start looking for other men. Why would you want to leave your H for a man who is unemployed and on benefits anyway? He doesn't exactly sound like a catch does he?

Sorry to say but it sounds to me as if you might be heading into danger. I don't know how old your DC is but I take it he/she is quite young if you've only been married 14 years so you need to think about how the break up of your marriage would effect him/her. If you do decide you want to leave your H then you must get legal advice and plan things slowly.

As for your online affair, I think you should forget about him until you have addressed the problems in your marriage. Take a step back and think about what you are doing.

Original poster

lostasusual23 · 14/04/2015 19:13

Thank you to everyone who has commented with very valuable advice. I was getting very confused and not seeing the wood for the trees. I am going to contemplate what has been said and come back in a little while with a response

OP posts:

Roseybee10 · 14/04/2015 19:20

Sorry but how can you be contemplating leaving your husband for a man you've never even met?!?

By all means, leave your husband if you're not happy but don't leave him for a man you know nothing real about and don't even know if you'll get on or be attracted to in real life!

Original poster

lostasusual23 · 24/04/2015 21:34

I agreed with all the advice given to me on here but I was stupid and agreed to meet him. I didn't have sex with him but we kissed.

Now I am even more confused.

Not expecting any sympathy as I have been totally stupid and pathetic

OP posts:

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