Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Emotional affair turned serious

45 replies

lostasusual23 · 14/04/2015 14:11

I have been with my husband for 22 years, married 14. We have DC. Things started off well and we were happy. Slowly over the years, things have changed. We still get on but he is not very interested in sex and it is a real struggle to have any sort of sex life. I just thought he had lost interest until I checked his phone and found he has been looking at a lot of porn, so I guess he is still interested in sex just not with me. I have found his porn stashes over the years, each time he says he will give it up but he just hides it better. He prefers the porn sadly. The lack of sex upsets me terribly.

I have been chatting to a friend online and we are now having an emotional affair. I have not met him but we have spoken on the phone and online a lot. We really get and he has brought some joy to my life. He makes me laugh and lifts my spirits. He describes sex beautifully and erotically. He is now pushing to meet. I don't know what to do. They couldn't be more different. My DH is a professional, earning a good salary and does look after me and DC despite his faults. I am also management level. This man I am having an emotional affair with is unemployed, on benefits, but he is very romantic and loving. He has talked of us having a future together (probably just talk for sex I am guessing).

I guess what I am asking is, would it better to stay in a marriage where there is very little sex but I have a comfortable life or leave him for this other man who would be passionate and loving but we would struggle financially? I am not at this stage yet, but I wonder if I should meet him at all? Would be meeting him be the start of an affair? Or maybe meeting him might make realise this is not for me.

OP posts:

beerbelly · 24/04/2015 23:03

I think people's advice still stands - focus on your marriage and yourself. This online relationship is obviously the catalyst for change in your marriage.

Either change things and get help or move on, but not straight into the arms of someone else.

If your DH is apathetic about your marriage and has faults himself, maybe you should tell him about this burgeoning relationship - it may be the kick he needs.

venusandmars · 24/04/2015 23:18

I was once in a low phase with my dp. At the same time I met someone who spoke all the words I longed to hear, who enticed me with the idea of passion and longing and love, who promised all that I had secretly hoped for.....

Oh he spoke a good story.

At the end of the day he just wanted a f.. And it was nothing special.

For me, that was a wake up call - either sort out my relationship or end it. No one else was going to sort it for me or rescue me from it.

reader I married him

Original poster

lostasusual23 · 24/04/2015 23:43

That really struck a chord venusandmars thank you

I recognise that I am looking to be rescued. But that is not a good thing to think. I need to sort things out myself and not see the OM again

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 25/04/2015 11:09

So you met him and quite fancied him then? My guess is that you'll be hearing from this guy again, what will you do then?

Think very carefully because most affairs don't have happy endings. Best to sort out your marriage first. Take it from someone who knows!

Original poster

lostasusual23 · 25/04/2015 12:22

Yes I did fancy him but I think I was just longing for some attention, touch and kissing. My husband hasn't kissed me for over 10 years.

I stupidly haven't thought about what will happen next. What makes it worse is that he has a girlfriend, God, it can't get any worse.

I have told him I need some time out this weekend, so won't be speaking to him so I can try and get my head together. I feel like a shit kissing someone else's boyfriend, always said I would never do that, always said I would never be unfaithful either, I can't believe what I have become

The whole thing is affecting me quite badly, I am struggling to eat, am losing weight and struggling to keep up at work. I know I have brought it on myself, I take full responsibility

I keep saying to myself he is just after sex, he does talk a good game, I have to stop myself from believing it all

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 25/04/2015 12:26

Why can't you leave your husband and be single instead?

Why you think a relationship with someone else's partner is a good idea is beyond me. Way to drag your self esteem even lower don't you think?

I would suggest counselling to find out why you think this is all you deserve. This self punishment is not going to bring any improvements into your life. Quite the reverse.

Lovingfreedom · 25/04/2015 12:33

The OM just wanting sex is the upside scenario...as an earlier poster pointed out, if he's skint he might also be after your money. The guy is a loser. He's got a gf and he's taking you for a fool. And btw there's loads of erotic text on the internet designed specifically for the purpose of seducing women like you. He's probably just cut and pasted that. Wake up...

ALaughAMinute · 25/04/2015 12:46

Ten years without intimacy is a long time!

I can understand why you're longing for some male attention because I'm in a very similar position to you, only the mistake I made was to get emotionally involved. Best not to have an affair in the first place, but if you do decide to shag him, don't whatever you do, get emotionally involved. That said, it doesn't sound as if you are up to it if you are losing weight and struggling to keep up with work. Sort your marriage out and don't do anything you may later regret.

Sickoffrozen · 25/04/2015 13:19

An unemployed cheat. Sounds just like the sort of man every woman dreams of!

If you are unhappy, take steps to end your marriage and that will open a whole new life for you. It won't be easy but there are lots of other men in the world, some of whom you will click with sexually and most of them will have a job and be solvent!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 25/04/2015 13:38

Op, what you need to do is, tell your DH that you are unhappy and that want to divorce.

I couldnt be with someone who hadnt even kissed me in 10 years. You to get out and find yourself for a while.

mix56 · 25/04/2015 13:42

His wife is probably one of the women on here saying she has found cheating texts on her husband's phone.
You need to stop now, before your life goes horribly wrong. separate from your husband, & decide who & what you want from there.

Original poster

lostasusual23 · 25/04/2015 13:53

I am already emotionally involved, I can't just have sex with someone without any emotion so that is not an option

I recognise that but I know if I do step over that line and have sex with him. I will regret it. He will probably leave because he got what he wanted and my world will be in pieces

He wanted sex when I met him but I just couldn't do it. Ended up being a fumble in the car

Unemployed cheat sums it up, that is what I need to focus on what he is. I am also a lying married cheat

I really do need to wake up before it's too late. I live a comfortable life and so do my DC and if I carry on like this, I am going to lose everything

But why do I feel so weak and want him to kiss me again?

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 25/04/2015 14:00

Because he fulfils a fantasy that your DH doesnt. You cant have the comfortable life and the fantasy come true without consequences.

You need to go no contact with other man and lay it out on line with DH. Tell him you need intimacy or you will end your marriage to find it somewhere else.

Lovingfreedom · 25/04/2015 14:44

Because you need to get a grip and take control of your actual life rather than living in a fantasy.

Original poster

lostasusual23 · 27/04/2015 20:37

The decision was taken out of my hands. OM finished with me because he wants to get back with an ex

I guess I should be grateful but I feel like an absolute mess

I would have had sex with him, I just know it but if I had and then he finished with me it would have been one my the biggest regrets ever

I just need to find a way to get over him now .............

Thanks to everyone who replied with their help and advice and the very supportive PMs I received xx

OP posts:

mix56 · 27/04/2015 21:01

Lucky escape. as projected he was playing the field. the only regret you should have is that you were conned.

winkywinkola · 27/04/2015 23:43

Yuck.

You would have had sex with him?

Well it won't be long until the next one comes along. Have sex with him instead of sorting out your own house.

Go on. Make an even bigger mess.

Original poster

lostasusual23 · 28/04/2015 06:55

Thanks for your helpful words winkywinkola

I am in enough of a mess already, not planning to make a bigger one

OP posts:

49again · 28/04/2015 07:04

So you spent all that time chatting online and developing feelings for a man who was trying to seduce you, you meet up once and he calls it off!

At least that should be a wake-up call to you that you came close to being unfaithful to your husband. Decide now what you will do about your marriage.

winkywinkola · 28/04/2015 10:42

Op, you yourself said you would have had sex with this man you met online. That is actually wanting to make a mess.

I feel sorry for your h and your family.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread