Disappearing act

[Dexter2012]

Been with Dh for 6 years-2kids- try to keep it short. He is aloof and sometimes detached- very moody- often can just tell by looking at his face when he's not happy- yet he will deny this when asked and just switch off from me and the kids. he drinks heavily sometimes which I think contributes to his mood swings. Every few months or so we will have a row resulting in him walking out for few hours. Well last night he walked out - stayed out and returned today @ 3pm. He said he slept in the car didn't want to talk about it and wanted to sleep. I said if he wasn't prepared to talk about it he should go. He had a proper little tantrum storming upstairs saying you have said it now I will go and you will never see me again. Throwing stuff in the bag only to return 3 hours later as he couldn't find anywhere.

I am exhausted as have not slept- he was due to look after the kids today so I could work I had to call in sick as I didn't want to involve anyone else into the drama as too why he wasn't around. I am so tired of all the stress of wondering when his next drama is going to be when he's going to disappear for the night again. I know I can be nagging and insecure and myther him to the point that he just feels he can't do anything right.

I just don't know if I can carry on- he takes on board the issues when he dissapears and the damaging effect it has but continues to do it knowing how upsetting it is and just increases my insecurities and worsens my interrogating / nagging nature.

I guess I am just sounding off really as I can't seem to fathom how Friday we were getting on ok and fast forward to today and I am asking him to leave considering life as a single parent wondering if this really is the right thing to do.

In the early days he left me by just clearing out his stuff one day when I was at work. So a lot of my issues stem from that. Whilst we sorted that out at the time and decided to try again- fast forward to now 2 kids later and his disapearing acts only undermines my trust. thanks if you have got this far I reading sorry for the rant. Any support appreciated. :)

Oops meant stroke

'he is a typical bloke doesn't talk feelings. Avoids confrontation like the plague.' This is not ' typical bloke' behavior, it is the behavior of immature, selfish man-child. Honestly OP you need to get rid.

My ex used to do this too. In the latter stages he once actually did a "count to three" thing whereby if he got to three and I was still upset he would walk it's emotional immaturity that they will NEVER evolve from trust me. You can't and shouldn't be held to ransom like this . I took it for far too long so please get rid. Real men don't run.

I am 18 months on after getting rid of my ex who sounds like your partner's twin brother.

The thing that chimes out for me with you is how relatively young your dc are. Please please act now. My dc are 8 and 5 and my one massive regret (apart from spending 13 years with the utter git) is that I left it so long, my eldest has been affected. He was six. My other was 3 and a half and it has affected her less.

My view is that your partner will never change. We are infinitely happier without the ex. The dc have security, stability and no walking on eggshells, no tension.

Free yourself and them. It is lovely out there, seriously.

How exhausting for you Op. He sounds like an emotionally abusive man who well knows what he is doing and the effect it has on you and the children. And he is an alcoholic on top of all that crap. You have one life, make it a happy one for you and your children. Show your children that this is behaviour that is not rewarded. He will not change, he is showing you his real colours (Lilly livered yellow seems to me) so show him your strength and get rid of him.

I'd say this is typical arse-hole drama queen behaviour. Not typically male behaviour. Has he convinced you that this how men have the right to behave? Because this is not typical of most men. Flouncing out in a huff, and using any excuse to disappear and get pissed. What a dick.

It sounds like he thrives on drama and arguments, and keeping you on your toes, with his constant threats of leaving. To return 3 hours later, because he "couldn't find anywhere."

I had the unfortunate experience of being involved with one of these types back in the day. He stormed out of my house, shouting that he was going to "drive his car into a wall to kill himself." I said, "OK, fair enough." He must have changed his mind, because 15 minutes later her was knocking at my door, looking sheepish.

*Maybe he couldn't 'find' a brick wall, just like you dh couldn't 'find' anywhere to stay.

Well a week has gone by can you believe he came back last week end devastated crying thought he had lost us- said he did not feel a good enough father-provider- he knew doing that staying out would be a deal breaker yet he did it- only intended to stay out a short while but thought couple hours gone by gonna be i. The shit anyway might as well stay out. We Stuck the week through thought to myself well if it's the end of running out then maybe there's headway. He's getting help with drinking. Ect.

Guess what he's run out again this time not on the back of a row. He was telling me how lucky he felt to have me and loves me- we have been engaged for yonks neither of us that bothered about getting married. He suddenly Starts talking about getting married at some point. I start to rant saying I need stability and security before can even think about things like that. Adding I just don't understand how you can do things like that run out and all. He said I told you why emotional stuff with ill relatives- there's then a little atmosphere. He was due to drop car off and come home to have some food. Well Guess the fuck what that was 3 hours ago and ihe is ignoring my calls. I text saying - is this for real are you kidding me- I must have fucking mug written all over my face!!!!! Another family week end ruined by fuckwit!!!! I'm done

My friend was married to an alcoholic. He used to take the dog out for 5 hour walks, calling in at pubs, drinking from the bottles he'd hidden along his route.

He is treating you like a mug - what do you get from the relationship?

i can't honestly say- I am feeling caught in a strong hold of hope that he finally realises the destructiveness and is sincere in his words. Guess we don't mean that much too him as I thought. I Have a lot of debt which is hard right now to try and figure a way I can manage things financially. And kick him out.

Why should he stop? He's made you into a right nice little punchbag to take things out on. (One of those leather ones - he has to put some polish on it after it's had a workout to keep it in prime condition.)

Do your figuring on the money while you're getting him out. You can't go on like this and neither is it healthy for the DCs to be in that environment - even if he doesn't specifically start mistreating them.

I know your right cozie just struggle to deal with it at times- am in denial maybe.

Just text saying. Who- where ever you are I hope it was worth it. Feeling bit gamey now I've sent it. He's just tried calling me x3 ignored all of them.

Well he's just snuck in made bed for him downstairs. Want to rage at him but going to keep calm and sleep. What possible reason could he have for doing this again. Reckon if he didn't have to work tomorrow he would have stayed out all night again. Wtf just raging on here rather than at him atm.

Put his stuff in bin bags while he's at work. Put them out the front of the house.

this would be the kindest thing you can possibly do for your children.

You aren't going to sort out your financial situation while you are in the grip of this emotional manipulation. Your brain is scrambled by what he is doing to you.

If you think he is able to change (and you're wrong if you do) he can sort himself out. While he lives elsewhere.

By failing to chuck this abuser out, you are telling him loud and clear to keep doing this to you.

Contact AA, Woman's Aid, get a friend round to support you.

What reason? Because he knows it upsets you. Because he has no respect for you. Because he knows he'll get away with it (because he always does). Because he knows you will rack your head to think of ways to make the relationship better and pass on some or all of the responsibility on to you.

You want him to change. He will not. So you have to. You telling him that something he does makes you this unhappy and then he says he understands and won't do it anymore and then does anyway shows you the lack of respect he has for you and your feelings.

Your children are witnessing their Dad's complete lack or respect and random abandonment and alcoholism. This is their role model relationship. This is their normal. This is what your dc will tolerate or inflict in their own relationships. If you can't muster the strength for you, do it for your kids.

Feel so worn down by it all- the ranting gets me absolutely nowhere. Your right LL random abandonment alcoholism and disrespect. Couldn't be more clearer.

Your right handy can't figure out the money whilst he's here. My wages cover the bills his is our living money. Which he gives to me each month. Think need to go to the bank too. Am sure there is a way I can take a break from repayment. Thanks for your words keep needing these reality checks as obviously I am erring on the side of disbelief he could do this knowing the damage it causes.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really hard. My ExP was like this. Our children were around the same age as yours. It sounds like he has an alcohol problem, it always comes first. My ex would go out on his bike to get a train ticket- and I would hear him come in at 3 am or so....

And lots of other stuff too! All I can suggest is that you take control. It is so painful to keep believe he's going to change- and then it goes back to the same thing. I went through literally years like this. We eventually split up 3 years ago (kids 7 and 11 by then). My only regret is in not doing it earlier.

Advice? You can't control him, so don't bother trying. You can only control yourself, so work out your boundaries. How do you want your life to be? You need to look after the kids and their future. It's not good for them to have a mum on tenterhooks all the time. Honesty is the best policy here (age appropriate).

Take your time- it doesn't have to all change today... But you need a plan. I also found mumsnet very helpful and a website called sober recovery.

And yes I definitely think I have co-dependent tendencies!

Ps, one more thing ... Don't bother to try and reason out his thoughts/ motivations/emotions etc. in my experience (and boy did I do a lot of trying to understand), it is ultimately a waste of time. His actions say it all.

Thank you SQ I feel so alone with this right now and too ashamed to talk to anyone as it just shows how little self worth I have and feel at the moment. It helps to know that other people have been through it too. :)

I do know how you feel. I used to keep it all hidden, didn't tell people he was like that with me, or that he had such a problem with drink. I felt ashamed! And one day I started to tell people... Only close friends... But it liberated me... It started to become his problem not mine.... It was as if before I had to pretend to everyone that our life was perfect, it was such a relief to be honest and open. And then I started to get help from others- before that I had been so busy covering up that no one realised I needed any support.

Good for you, you have started to open up by talking here.... You're going in the right direction. Please try not to feel that shame- it really isn't you it's him!

He loves alcohol above all. I feel sorry for your kids. I grew up in this kind of situation and it affects you for a lifetime. Get out and they may just recover. I don't mean to sound harsh but by staying you are choosing him and his asshole needs over them.

Thank you so much for words of support trying not to cry right now. !!

Remember that he will have to payw child maintenance if the dc are staying with you.

It's hard. You feel like you don't have the strength to leave but the truth is that it's not until you split and start having a calm, happy and stable home environment with your dc that it actually took far more strength to stay in a relationship that is so unhealthy and emotionally damaging.

Living day to day, hoping that this is the day that he's just going to 'get it'. That he's going to realise the damage it's doing to your relationship and that of his children is a day that is unfortunately not going to come. Especially if you stay with him. There is no consequence to his actions for him so why would he change.

You and your dc on the other hand are day by day having their self esteem eroded day by day because of a man that tells you/them that he loves you but his actions show anything but. This is so damaging and hard to recover from. The younger your dc can be when you get away from him the better. They need to learn that this is not what love and respect is.

Actions speak louder than words. That goes for him and for you.

I understand how utterly exhausted you must feel with it all. But if you stay with him, the exhaustion will only be worse in a year/5 years/10 years, but that is time for A LOT more damage to be done.

Time to put you and your dc first. I would give women's aid a call. They are great for support and practical advice.