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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me find friends

33 replies

Sharpasknives · 13/04/2015 21:09

Hi, I moved to a new area 2 years ago following a traumatic event , and divorce. I work full time in a job 35 miles away from home, about an hours commute . I have 2 children of secondary school age.
Now I'm really struggling to find friends. My neighbours are all elderly, I now longer do the school gate thing, my work colleagues are lovely but I can't stay for drinks after work as I have to get home to do tea/ footy training/ scouts run etc. I really can't face driving back another 35 miles if they are going out on at 7.30, plus that would mean a 140 mile round trip in a day.the kids do activities but as they are older, most parents drop and run.
Most evenings are spent as mums taxi, which rules out me joining a gym, or dance class etc .
I do get some time at weekends , but where can I meet other women? Im desperate for some girlfriends to pop round and drink wine ....

OP posts:

cleanmyhouse · 13/04/2015 21:58

Is there no way you could have one of the weeknights for you to join a club or class? Or a weekend club?

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 13/04/2015 22:05

Not on a weeknight - the kids need picking up and dropping off from various things. I dint get in from work till 6, then tea, then off out again around 7, then they all need picking up from various places until 9.30 . Then home, packed lunches, bed. Weekend mornings no go as they all have sport ..that's when most classes are on.

OP posts:

seventiesformica · 13/04/2015 22:07

What area do you live in?

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 13/04/2015 22:09

The North . We live in a small suburb , oublic transport is not an option to get them where they need to be

OP posts:

Roseybee10 · 13/04/2015 22:10

Is it really viable for them to have clubs every night of the week and at weekends?

TheReluctantCountess · 13/04/2015 22:13

Yorkshire?

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 13/04/2015 22:13

Well even if they didn't I couldn't leave them in alone. There are 3 of them, so it's only 1 uniformed activity each guides /scouts /Cubs.plus one sporting thing each . Weekends is when the matches are .

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 13/04/2015 22:17

I don't mind the running around, we do lift share sometimes but the parents just seem to pick up and drops off, doesn't reslly get out of the car to chat.

OP posts:

cheapskatemum · 13/04/2015 22:20

I think you deserve at least one midweek evening to yourself. See if there's anything on locally that you are interested in, if not join a gym and go one evening, plus Saturday (or Sunday). If your kids are at secondary school, they're old enough to listen to your point of view on this (assuming it's somewhere akin to mine!). Time for you is essential for your mental and spiritual health, which in turn affects physical health. You need to stay healthy in order to work and parent. I truly believe that with this slight shift in priorities, you will meet people and make friends with them. When I moved I was in a similar position and it took longer than I had assumed to make friends. Good luck and let us know how you get on!

TheReluctantCountess · 13/04/2015 22:20

Do you have two secondary aged kids and one primary?
Why can't the older ones be left?

Yepcomfortable · 13/04/2015 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsdavidbowie · 13/04/2015 22:23

You need to plan one night a week just for you.
You'll burn out.

Yay4may · 13/04/2015 22:24

What cheapskate said!

cheapskatemum · 13/04/2015 22:28

Thank you yay4m!

whothehellknows · 13/04/2015 22:38

Also, it's worth checking out meetup to see if there are any groups in your area that meet up at the weekends, that interest you. If you're interested in developing a hobby, maybe try that one evening (or weekend evening) each week so you can meet people with similar interests.

cheapskatemum · 13/04/2015 22:57

How old are DCs, sharpasknives, secondary school-aged could be anything from 11 to 18? You know them best, so if you are saying you can't leave them home alone I guess they are younger than I had assumed - in which case how about getting a babysitter for one evening a week?

Roseybee10 · 14/04/2015 03:13

That's still wearing yourself really thin with 6 activities in all - 3 of which involve at least 2 outings. That's 9 activities you're ferrying them to and fro. How old are they? Could the older one at least start being more responsible for making their own way even at the weekends ( obviously I don't know how old they are).
I think if you're feeling like this then you really need to make sure you get some time for you. You're entitled to an evening a week or even a fortnight. My friend has joined a book club. Is that a possibility? Fewer meet ups officially but might lead to friendships where you meet up more often. X

Flowerpower41 · 14/04/2015 06:07

The other good thing about meet up options is you would potentially meet men too, not from dating angle - but from yin and yang chat angle - and that in theory keeps us out of the feminist books!

I did used to go to a group but I had to stop access weekends when my ex became abusive physically to my son.

Now I only get occasional half-terms and school holiday 'breaks' so I can't do the meet up route. It also takes money which I don't especially have. I do go to a spiritual group however which is at least free. That has become my lifeline.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 14/04/2015 06:25

Thank you everyone. They are 10, 11,12. I do leave them for the odd couple of hours at the weekend or whatever. I honestly don't mind the running about, that's not what my post was about. Obviously I know this impacts on my ability to get out and socialise.
I did join a gym but have cancelled the membership as I was only managing to get there once or twice a week, and at £ 45 per month was too expensive. Currently I'm walking instead every night , a quick 45 min power walk.
It's really not feasible to ask the 11 year old to take his sports kit to a match on a Saturday that could be anywhere up to 30 miles away.
Trouble is , with older kids , a lot of people have already got their friends circle sorted.
I did look into single parents groups, but non where we live.
I'm not musical, so choir type things are out. Im not religious, so church is out. A book group would be a possibility , but I never see any advertised in the local shops, and our library had one but it stopped running.
Would it be sad to put an advert up for a walking buddy ?

OP posts:

Tinofroses · 14/04/2015 06:49

I was going to suggest an ad for a walking buddy. Also put it on the local ads here (you can always name change for that). Meet ups are good website and you could actually create one of your own. Also have you tried dropping in to neighbours. I have for very friendly with lady 2 doors down and she is 10 years older than me but neither of us mind.

comedancing · 14/04/2015 06:58

Round here there are women's walking groups who walk together two nights a week. I often see them when out driving and they are all chatting together as walk in groups. Could you fit that in while your kids are at an activity as you must spend a good bit of time hanging around waiting for them.

MillieMoodle · 14/04/2015 07:16

Might be worth looking at the local boards to find people nearby? I did that on the website-that-shall-not-be-named (the one with glitter and huns!) and met up with someone in my village. Just over a year on and we're good friends now and catch up regularly.

Hathall · 14/04/2015 07:27

I didn't know anyone in this area so I've been actively making friends for a while.
I have made some good friends from here and from netmums meet a mum board. I've made some friends from the school run too.
I joined a book group and a walking group from meetups. Although I've not made friends there yet, I still enjoy the adult conversation with various people.

AristotlesTrousers · 14/04/2015 08:03

Hi sharpas. Just to let you know also that some Mumsnetters set up a facebook group for finding new friends, so that might be another avenue for you to explore. It's a closed group that you have to request to join and it's called MN Social.

thornrose · 14/04/2015 08:09

I second your local Meet up group. I'm inundated with emails about up coming events. There are lots of walking groups, nights out and more.

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