Loney and sad having just been left with 4 children

[hurtwife]

My friend has already posted a message about me and i have found the advice useful.
Today i just feel so low and just want him to come home - even after all he has done. I have been with him for 20 years and it just feels like my life has been a waste of time. He has been seeing a woman from work for nearly a year and says he loves her. He has changed so much which i put down to him working hard -ha! and giving up alcohol (for medical reasons). I know that a lot of people say there must have been a problem with the marriage in the first place and i will be honest and say we have had our fair share of problems and i have not always been the easiest person to live with at times. It is the way he has just upped and left that is such a shock to everyone that knows him.
I had a few suspicions in the summer and eventually found a hotel reciept to which he confessed the whole affair. My reaction was to think you are not leaving me with 4 children and i am going to fight for this marriage. He said he would stay with us and work it out. This was difficult and obviously too much for him and he packed a bag and left last week. He has since said he has not loved me for a while and could not come back as he feels much freeer now he sent me flowers and a note only a couple of days before going. I just want him to see what he is missing.
I also need some support to let me know that i will survive this and come out of it a stronger person.
i feel so loney especially at night as i have lost my best friend.

Well, he obviously wasn't your best friend if he was prepared to cheat on you!

So sorry to hear about this, and I can only send you good wishes. Is it definitely over, or is he prepared to go for counselling?

In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself - you need to make sure you have people looking after you, especially with so many children. You deserve to be taken care of a bit. Are you close (geographically as well as emotionally) to any of your family? Can they let you have a bit of a break?

My dad is great but my mum is very ill at the moment I have some great friends and it is at times like this that you know who your true friends are.
I know i have lost who i really am apart from mum and wife and that is something i need to work on. he is prepared to go and see someone but i think it is just to sort out children and money really.

Go get a counsellor- someone who doesn't know you or your husband, so you can say anything you like without worrying what they think, or them simply taking sides.

I can't even begin to imagine how awful you must feel. I could forgive an infidelity, but to have him say he's loves someone else

It sounds like it's over if that's how he feels about you and about her. Go and get a counsellor, get all your feelings out and get some support. You will survive it, even though i know you won't feel that way right now. Concentrate on your kids and your life now.

Chin up xxx

If you can manage to persuade him to go, Relate might be a help - even if you have no plans (or at least he doesn't) to patch up the marriage, it might help you reconcile what went wrong and give you a plan for how you will manage your relationship in the future (after all, this will be a lifelong relationship because of the children you share)

It's pretty easy for him to say he wants to be freer. What about dumping all 4 children on him for 2 weeks because you want some time to relax, find a lover or go abroad or get a job because you'll have less money now he's gone. That will soon make him feel very unfree having to arrange child care, dealing with them in some grotty bed sit or at his lover's house if that's where he is.

I am so sorry hurtwife you are facing this traumatic time.
My dh had am affair 3 years ago with a work colleague, we'd been together about 20years and have 3 great children...it was completly out of the blue and I so KNOW the pain and confusion you've gone through and are now facing. He left, but only for one day and came back saying he'd made the worst mistake of his life....it still however took us the best part of a year to get HER out of our lives (partly his doing , mainly hers)
Anyway 3 years on we are together and stronger for it. You are in a lonely place now (I've stood on the brink of that place and looked into it) and the worst thing is you did not choice this yet it's a major life change and you had no part in it. However you have already shown you are a strong person you tried to make it work from the summer to now despite what he did.
Other people cannot understand when you talk about your best friend and say how could he be if he's done this to you.....I know exactly how you feel my dh is/was then my best friend yet despite us not being unhappy he idd an awful thing to us......I know what 20 years together feels like and now you are there with the children trying to be strong and yet so so hurt.

PLEASE see a counsellor....it will keep you saine!
I wonder , is your dh around 40, stresssed out at work? it's a cliche I know but after what I lived through I firmly believe in the "mid life crisis" thing for men of a certain age and with certain responsibilities.......the sad thing is he willl probably realise just what a huge mistake he's made, one day but depending on what happens now...it may be too late to retreave!

MistressMiggins is the one to speak to , she went through similar at a similar time and her dh walked away....she is stronger and i think overall happier now- like you none of this was her choice.

I completely understand if you want him back....20 years is a long time....only you can know if there is any realistic prospect of him coming to his senses before too much harm is done.
the only thing I would say is try not to use the children to get back at him (I understand why you want to) but the overall damage can be life long......you will survivr.....you are strong and you are not to blame. your dh is making the choices and blinded by the escapism and fantasy of an affair (it has nothing to do with love!) perhaps he'll wake up but will it be in time?
Please keep talking, there are lots out there who have done it alone and in time have come out of it stronger. take care honey.

my heart goes out to you - I was in your situation a year ago
found out my husband had been having an affair - 8 wks later he left/I asked him to leave...he left me with an 18mth DD and 3 1.2 DS

it still hurts but it DOES get better....I had a lot of support on MN but I also have my family in same town which has helped.....

Starrmum is right - a best friend wouldnt treat you like this - my ex said to me he still wanted to be friends "friends dont betray each other as you have done" I told him....we are cival & friendly for the children but whether we will ever be friends again remains to be seen

hugs to you

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, hurtwife.
How very very sad and shocking.
of course you feel lonely, all the points of reference you have had in your life have been taken from under you. It must be devastating.
I don't knpow how I would get through it - but lots on MN-ing will help a bit!
There are women here who have been left and betrayed...it took a long time for them to find themselves again, and then find happiness in new things. But they have done it! Look out for Spook, FairyFly...who else?

I think seeing a counseloor for you is a good idea. As well as throwing yourself on your freinds.

How are your children coping?

The children are fine because he hadnt been around much always working!!!!
I do worry that they blame me to some extent as they have been saying that because i have not been happy dad did not want to come home!
I know i just have to get on with it but it makes me angry that he will have them at his best and they will love that while i am left with all the crap.
I am going out today to face some mums from the school so wish me luck.

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Sending you xxx - will come up and see you soon. HW lives an over an hour from here so its not easy just to pop over but will be seeing her next week. Please post lots of support and advice.

Agree with Xenia - he may feel free-er but he still has 4 kids and it is still his responsibility. Git! He can't be swanning off with his new woman and leaving it all to you.

Hope you find some way to feel better about this. After behaving like this he doesn't deserve you to carry on breaking your heart over him.

Yes, I agree with Xenia too. Wouldn't we all feel freer without the responsibility of our kids. Feeling freer isn't all it's cracked up to be when you're missing the sound of their keys in the door. It's absolute agony I know but at this stage I feel there is every chance he will come back. We must hope that by that time you still want him. I must say that a year of deception would be very difficult for me to forgive.

hurtwife, I am so sorry to read your post. Of course you are devastated. God, that makes me so mad. I bet he bloody well does feel freer. And what if you fancied feeling a bit freer? Unbelievably selfish. HOw old are your dc's?

AT least you'll get a ot of support here on mumsnet. Keep posting. You will definitely survive and it will get better. big hugs xxx

No practical advice, but sending you a big big hug

I initiated our divorce (but only because of his behaviour so in my view he was to blame) but I still understand the being left with everything. We were married for 19 years and since the divorce he has done nothing to help with the children at all or pay and I had to pay him (because I earn more). So being left with 5 children as I was where we had both helped a lot at home is a huge difference. He gets this freedom and the law doesn't allow you to force him to have the children, you can't even force the other parent to have them for one week a year if they choose not to. Of course most fathers do want contact but many don't. It's really unfair particularly if you're also working full time and support the children (and in effect him to some extent).

It is as if the law enables anyone to be free if they want, can allow the other parent to come and go when they choose over contact, either take it or not depending on whether there's football on the TV or another woman (or man) in their bed but if you deny it (which I've never done) they can get an order but never then take up the contact they've been allowed in the order. That's neither here nor there when you're feeling hurt and abandoned. Do all the right things to secure your financial position.

I managed to go out to lunch today with some of the mums from my sons new school - it was hell only a couple of people knew as they know my son but most people didnt although it didnt come up i felt i just couldnt join in with any of the conversations really. felt very very low. The children are all home and the weekend begins i have said he can see the children on sunday as he cant make it sooner because he is at a conference!!
It just seems so hard to think of something else to do in my life.
This is a good weight loss programme though i am now the slimmest ive been in years!!!!!!!!!!

Hi there

I think I read the post earlier in the week from your friend and meant to reply then. So glad I can add something now. I really feel for you as my (not so) DH did a very similar thing at the beginning of the year. We had been together for 19 years, married for 16 and have 4 children too. I certainly didn't see it coming and neither did any family/friends. I used to be the kind of person who dissolved into floods of tears at any minor stress, but trust me, it has made me one hell of a stronger person (although I must admit I was a bit peeved when I found out his mistress had told a mutual acquaintance of ours that I was absolutely fine and that it had been the making of me! How the hell would she know???). Anyway, on a practical level, I found it helped me to keep busy. The Citizen's Advice Bureau were great re. the financial position. My friends really came up trumps (and still are great). Remember too, that 99.9% of people (if not 100%) will be very sympathetic to you. Just think what kind of bloke walks out on a wife and four young children and you will start to see what a s* * * he is . I was amazed at how many people genuinely offered help. I could cringe though when I think of my kids' headmaster who said was there anything he could do to help and I replied "Yes, please go and smash his face in for me" - I put it down to being in shock at the time as it was the day after I found out.

I have also been really lucky in that as well as my parents, I have got very supportive in-laws who are disgusted with their son for what he has done to his children. They have made things an awful lot easier for me. Do you get on well with your in-laws?

It's really hard I know, but if you have free time on your hands if your ex has the children, don't sit at home on your own. I found no shortage of (female) friends ready to share a bottle of wine, and it does get better even though you never think it will. When he had the kids for a couple of days in the summer I took the opportunity to visit museums etc in London that had never been possible with young children in tow. I even took the children to Italy on my own this summer and if someone had suggested it this time last year I would have laughed at the thought of being capable of doing it, (and so would everyone I know!).

Do hope things get better for you. My heart really goes out to you at this time

PS Agree with you about the weight loss, bit drastic, but I finally managed to shift the 2 and a 1/2 stone I'd been carrying for far too many years!

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Hi everyone thanks for your support it really is helping. I come here instead of phoneing him up. Friends have been fantastic but i havent got a lot of family as such my mum is ill and although my dad is fantastic he still works. We had already fallen out with all of his family anyway. His dad did something similar and left him with his mum I know he hates to think it but he turning out to be just like him and he was a sad friendless man who never had a good word to say about anyone.
I just want him home to make it all better but i know that is a very weak thing to say why would any woman want a man like that? It is just that i have known him for so long and i think he just needs some help. I know i will get stronger and be able to cope i just need to find who i am now and what i want out of life.
It is hard with the children they are 14 10 9 and 3 and all have various clubs and school activities all over the place.

Just wanted to post my support. Like many others, I was in a similar situation myself a few years back. Dh left for a week and it was by far the worst week of my life. Managed to hold it together during the day for the kids, at school, nursery etc, but once kids in bed I fell apart every single night.

Like someone said, your point of reference has gone. It's that awful feeling that nothing would ever be the same again. I felt so sad for my kids as the age they were at that time, they would never have remembered their mum and dad being together.

However, in my case I fought for him and he came back. Bizarrely, our marriage is stronger now.

The selfishness of walking out on wife and children never ceases to amaze me. To leave your wife dealing with the ups and downs of 4 children while you sit back, relishing your freedom! Unbelievable.

I used to believe in marriage, but now, honestly, I couldn't say that any marriage is for ever. No-one could believe that ours came close to ending, but since then another 3 of my friends' marriages have ended, 3 couples who I used to think would be together for ever.

In most cases it is men and I do believe in the mid-life crisis thing. Men are pretty stupid and do seem to confuse sex with love.

I know one couple, he left her for another woman, set up house with this woman, then realised his mistake (ie domestic life has mundane moments no matter who you are with) and asked to come back!!! Cheeky arse!!!

try and stay strong, my ex left, me and 2 girls aged, 7 and 2, 15 months ago, i wont say it has been easy cause it hasnt, it has been the hardest time of my life,
I went to counselling on my own, and found it a great help.
weekends are the hardest for me (as work keeps me going in the week)but i try to make enough plans to see us through,
I still feel very sad about what has happened, and still wish it was all a bad dream, and i still resent the fact that he could just up and leave me to look after 2 children, and not fight to save our relationship,
i did beg him to come home for about 3 months, but it made no difference, and in the end my friend begged me to stop asking him, and to be honest it was making me worse as all he would say was no!!!
it will be hard, but try and find someting to focus on, apart from him, you will get through it

I saw him last night he has moved in just down the road he is alone at the moment but they are going out to dinner next week. He says he is so confussed and just doesnt know what he wants. I am going to get some councilling for myself anyway but he as asked us to go together too. A huge part of me just wants to say just come home and it will be all better. He is now saying it happened because i moaned all the time - i will be honest and say that life has not been easy but with 4 children i expected more support from him.
He is seeing the children today - i hope it brings him to his senses!!
I know i shouldnt really want him back at all but i just want to make sure she doesnt get to him either.

Hi hurtwife
Everything you say makes total sense. My husband left me and although we were only married for two years and have one child I was still(and still am)devastated. I honestly think that men leave their wives for a bit of escapism and because they are just plain selfish. It is absolutely awful what he has done but you have to do the best you can for your children. Mum my would say that your children bring you more pleasure than any man can. I still struggle every day with the fact that he has gone. I have tried to fight for my marriage, to no avail. A marriage can only work if both parties are interested in trying. I have finally begun to appreciate my new freedom, I can eat what I want, wear what I want, watch want I want etc. without the self-esteem eroder I was married to. Try to be as patient as possible, it is possible that things will not work out with this woman and he will start to regret what he has done. Also, don't think that you will not get anyone else, if you wish to in the future. I over heard a man in starbucks once saying that he can't cope with dating as he has four kids(his wife died) and no one will want to take on a burden like him. There are all sorts of kind and accomodating people out there and I know two women in your situation who have found love again after being left with four kids. A work collegue of mine left his wife with four children for a woman at work and his wife just kept strong and got on with her life and within a few months he was back begging her to come home.She said no and so he tried to kill himself. They have eventually worked things out and he is a truly changed and humble person. I know this is extreme, my husband still hasn't woken up or appreciated what he is missing but then I don't think he is mature enough to offer anyone a proper commitment yet. I am not sure if you are the same but I know that all I wanted to do was to make sense of things and kept asking WHY? He left me for a woman with no kids, no responsiblity and hence constant FUN! Please don't blame yourself, it is not your fault! If this woman didn't agree to this clandestine relationship in the first place there would be no affair. I suggest that you try to keep yourself as busy as possible, I had my son in bed to replace the empty space that my husband left but he was only one and half at the time. It does get better in time but you mustn't be too hard on yourself. He is being selfish and it is not your fault that he cannot remain loyal to you or his family. Despite all my ex has done to me, I would still take him back but I think the reality is that I want the memory of the good man that he was back and not the monster he has become. I was lonely before I met him and he temporarily eased that loneliness but I am alone again now. I am not afraid to be alone anymore, its not that bad and it is certainly better than having bad company.
Keep strong.

fab post wheels and doll baby....
how long have you been single?

i went on a relate course after we split called new life new challenge, it was fab(still meet up once a month with the others that were on the course), i also went to counselling on my own which helped me to see that the relationship wasnt as good as what i remembered,