Loney and sad having just been left with 4 children

[hurtwife]

My friend has already posted a message about me and i have found the advice useful.
Today i just feel so low and just want him to come home - even after all he has done. I have been with him for 20 years and it just feels like my life has been a waste of time. He has been seeing a woman from work for nearly a year and says he loves her. He has changed so much which i put down to him working hard -ha! and giving up alcohol (for medical reasons). I know that a lot of people say there must have been a problem with the marriage in the first place and i will be honest and say we have had our fair share of problems and i have not always been the easiest person to live with at times. It is the way he has just upped and left that is such a shock to everyone that knows him.
I had a few suspicions in the summer and eventually found a hotel reciept to which he confessed the whole affair. My reaction was to think you are not leaving me with 4 children and i am going to fight for this marriage. He said he would stay with us and work it out. This was difficult and obviously too much for him and he packed a bag and left last week. He has since said he has not loved me for a while and could not come back as he feels much freeer now he sent me flowers and a note only a couple of days before going. I just want him to see what he is missing.
I also need some support to let me know that i will survive this and come out of it a stronger person.
i feel so loney especially at night as i have lost my best friend.

Hurtwife - I really hope the two of you can work it out. Please try to be strong and remember that you are SO capable, SO loving and SO fantastic that you will cope with your children.

It is his FAMILY he is walking out on - not just you. He blames your moaning, but that's not good enough. His responsibility as a husband and father is to support you so you don't have to moan!

Best wishes, and good luck.

Hi Sanchpanch, I have been single for two and a half years. What is a Relate course? I went to see them for a while when we first started having problems but he refused to go and it wasn't getting me anywhere. I don't/can't (no babysitter)go out or socialise in anyway. I have been to counselling but it only seems to reinforce what I already know, my cup is empty and I need to get myself out of this rut. My only question is HOW? My cousin's husbands parents got divorced and still after 20years won't be in the same room together(he left her for another woman). This caused there children a lot of hurt and pain and despite having lots of problems in his marriage he is steadfast in the belief that he will NEVER get divorced or leave his family(four kids). Not all men succomb to the greener grass no matter how hard married life gets. When a man leaves you, he doesn't just take himself away physically, he takes away all your trust and that's hard to repair. I have started to fight back and I don't cry as much any more. He hasn't taken away limbs or my brain, he has taken my ability to hope that life will get better and he has given me a new found freedom which I am now embracing. I don't want to be with a man who has no consience and who's family has not value to him.Let someone else have the problem. Let some other woman share her life, put her trust and build her dreams with this man(and others like him) only for him to shatter them and move on to the next victim. I would rather be alone and safe in the knowledge that no one can leave me than constantly trying to please a man that would run off again the next time an appealing carrot is dangled under his nose. I live in hope that I won't be caught again by another monster. My eyes are WIDE OPEN now. The most successful relationships that I have witnessed have always made it clear to their partners/husbands that the door is wide open and should they choose to walk through it there is no coming back in, child or no child. I was the begging type who laid all my insecurities out on the table, this approach doesn't work. You can and will survive by yourself, women are just inately programmed that way. I will never be afraid of being left by a husband again. I am over that hurdle now and ready and rearing to jump over the next one.

the relate course is just something relate offer you are in a group- there was 11 of us, it was one night a week, and it offered so much,

if you look on there website it should have some info on courses

the relate course is just something relate offer you are in a group- there was 11 of us, it was one night a week, and it offered so much,

if you look on there website it should have some info on courses

It didn't happen because you moaned all the time. There aren't excuses for sexual misconduct. It's wrong whatever the circumstances. That mgith be an excuse for him to talk about improving the marriage or even to break up but nothing forces eomeone to pull down their trousers etc. It's a choice, not the hand of God or forces beyond his control. But it sounds like he wants things to be better and going to counselling together is a good idea.

I totally agree with Xenia.....he made the chioce to have an affair whatever he sees as his reason HE CHOSE to do it he always had the choice to take you to one side and sit you down and say "I'm not happy because......." he chose not to do that and you are supposed to read his mind????

Marriage is not akways easy, especially when children come along, you can quickly find yourself in a place where you (both of you) have let life get in the way and you don't even see it happening until crisis hits,....like now- that's how I viewed my situation. I was completley and utterly oblivious that there was a major problem ( it was in the end HIS major problem that became mine) he chose to deal with it by escapism, to the bed of another (no kids but married and in need of a shoulder to cry on).

Please hurtwife do not let him DUMp this on you....yes there may be things about your relationship that need looking at and part of that may be down to you but this is a partnership HE is as equally responsible for how it works and he is 100% responsible for the choices he makes in how he deals with problems he perceives.

Having said all that if you feel your relationship can be saved and you want to work on it then go for it. For me I felt this was oour test, our one huge problem I could have kicked him out and slammed the door in his face, he deserved it but I also saw my dh, my best friend acting like someone I didn't recognise, he was completley troubled and tormented and confused....so I dug deep, put my feeling to one side for a while and hung in there for him (I kind of had this instinct that I really did not believe that he wanted the path he'd taken)

Eventually (and it took longer than he deserved...before he stopped messing around and strated telling the whole truth...but we turned a corner.) He pput himself into counselling and "came to his senses" He then had to work (and still does) long and hard at convincing me of his sincerity.

3 years on I trust him again....98% I'd say. he still says when we talk he cannot believe what a fool he was and how he risked so much for so little . he also says he's so glad he had me because he believes so many would(understandably and deservedly) have walked away and left him to rot in arelationship that would have lasted a nano second because it was not real (although in his confused state he thought it was)

Hurtwife if you truely believ your dh is still there for you.....hang in there...but you have to talk to him, to a counsellor...he MUST get his head straight....and you must make changes in your life. with 4 kids it's very easy (we have 3) to lose each other...you just stop making time for each other and you start leading seperate lives and you don't even see that you are getting futher and further apart. BUt this can intime become positiev, you can (like others have also testified) become closer and strongre, we have. You are strong and at this moment I feel you are the strngth for him as well.

Thanks for that I am still confuused myself but just like you say he has turned into someone i dont even know - he is confused and lost and part of me just wants to make it better for him. He saw the children yesterday and he said it was great but thats because he hasnt got all the crap that goes with them like i have.
We have grown apart i know that but i have been trying to get us back together but as i didnt know all the facts it was hard.
I need to get myself sorted out and have something else in my life with meaning. I feel he as walked out and started again already and left me with nothing but all the problems of ordinary life!!
He phoned today to say i was and probably always will be his best friend is this good or has he already moved on from me do you think?

your situation sounds so like mine its uncanny - even down to the comments your H is making

as I said to my ex when he asked to still be friends, friends dont treat each other so badly and let them down in such a devastating way

some men are just unbelieveably selfish and only think about themselves
blaming you for moaning all the time is absolute rubbish

"We have grown apart i know that but i have been trying to get us back together but as i didnt know all the facts it was hard. "
Please dont blame yourself for his affair - again this sounds so like me - I realised my ex had withdrawn emotionally from me but cos he denied having an affair, I ended up feeling like a mad woman & he treated me like a nag...in his mind justification for continuing with the affair.

I would say if he wants to go to counselling together then give it a go....but he must stop seeing this other woman - has he? If not, hes hedging his bets isnt he

day to day - just concentrate on yourself & the kids - try to be nice to yourself daily even if its just a sit down with your feet up

Lots of support here when you're down & sometimes better to moan/chat on here than ring your ex

(now off to take my own advice)

hurtwife, mistressmiggins is so right when she says if he wants to go to counselling with you that's good BUT he must cut ALL ties with HER.

Having a third person in your marriage is like a cancer that grows, the only way to start to recover is for this person to be cut out of your life ( none of this we'll we are just friends now.....it doesn't work, he's still trying to have his cake and eat it if he says that one.)..my dh took a few months to realsie that , he tried to "be there for HER" even after they'd stopped a physical relationship, he couldn't then understand how him giving himself emotionally to HER was just as bad and in some ways more damaging to our relationship. He sees it now, very clearly but it took time to get there.

From what you say I don't think he's totally moved on he wants to explore your relationship so that suggests he is looking for ways to try and put right whatever went wrong (none of that excuses his choice to have an affair).

I'd say go for counselling together if he's put her out of his life, if not go seperately and when/if he wakes up then try together. In the meantime you must put you and the kids as priority and use this huge change in your life to try and find what will make YOU more happy.

Keep talking...there are lots around who can help with their experiences. take care honey.

You are all right he is still trying to have his cake and eat it too. I just cant let him go and want to fight for him so hard. She is not out of his life but i just wish he could see that their relationship is just not real at all - hotels and no kids around. He just says he doesnt know what he wants - i am a fool for wanting someone that doesnt want me i know but i feel so lonely at the moment i almost wish the anger would return.

am going to CAT you so tht you can email me or MSN me - I totally understand & empathise (as unfortunately lots of people do)
you are a year behind me & i cant say it goes away cos it doesnt BUT it does get easier

you can have a good marriage again (plenty on here weho have done) BUT he must want it, must regret the affair and then you can both work together - clearly something was wrong in his eyes to make him go elsewhere - but you cant mend something if only one of you thinks its broken....if that makes sense

you can also have a new life without him - you can do it on your own....and you will one day find someone else (if you want to)

hope you have a good day - be kind to yourself as at the moment it doesnt sound like your H will be

Hurtwife, I completely understand the hotels and no kids thing. That's what my husband ran off to. I waited(begged, fought etc.) for him to come back for one and a half years and he came back for Christmas, called at 8pm on New Years Eve to say he was coming home to spend it with me. Didn't show up and made a lame excuse about being in casuality with cramps all night. I still forgave him, he moved back in from January to March and I tried everything to make it work, he was still going off to Nottingham at the weekend(the thing that caused our split in the first place) and I have since found out that she was still living in his flat there and he had told her that he was renting a place in London while he worked here during the week. It really bring a new meaning to having his cake......He walked out on me and our son again in March after leaving us penniless and forcing me to quit my job as he used to collect our son from nursery in the evening as I didn't finish work in time. He got on a plane and went on holiday to Jamaica to introduce her to his family, while he told me that someone had broken into his flat in Notts and he just disappeared. My husband is exceptionally bad but that doesn't still mean that a big part of me misses him and wants him back. I have been to hell and back with this man and I still love him. The loneliness gets better after time but I know it's hard. Have you thought about what it would be like to have him come back. My husband came back only to look at me as though he didn't want to be there. I was walking on egg shells trying to make him happy and make his homelife idyllic. You CAN'T live like that. It takes two people to make a marriage work. I try hard not to live in the fantasy of what our relationship once was and not how it is today. I would take my husband back in a hot second despite everything that I he has done but it is not my choice. He doesn't want to come back at the moment and the faster I accept that the closer to happy I can become.

Hurtwife be strong. It is really hard I know and things look bleak but you have so many options and you at least have your children. They will always know you were there for them and stayed with them despite being hurt and lonely.

Oh what a difference a week makes. We are now talking quite well and he says i am his best friend. He has moved into a small house just down the road and is really trying to see the kids as much as he can. It is hard for me to let them go but i know it is the right thing to do. He has offered to buy me a house so i can make a fresh start in an area nearer to the childrens school which will make my life much easier. He has also said that although he doesnt want to come home yet he thinks that is what he really wants but he needs to be sure he can live with me first.
I already feel stronger because what ever happens i will be happier with a fresh start. He wants us to go to relate or some other therapy together. I am starting my therapy today as i know i need to work on myself anyway.
Thanks again for all your support.

hurtwife, I'm so glad you sound more positive- whatever happens between you if you cab at least be civil to each other then you can make it work for the children.

He sounds so like my dh was....I honestly belive my dh had a "mid-life crisis", as cliched as it sounds. He was living a fantasy life with this other woman, she had no kids (she was married)she had no real responsibilities. they never really "exisited" in the real world , it was all meeting after work on in the middle of the day in travel lodges and never really had a proper date or were out in public. when reality intruded upon this ie her dh and I found out, the relationship couldn't cope. However it did take my dh some time to get his head round what he was doing and what he was risking.

I understand your statement about wanting to be there for him. Despite how hurt I was and totally devastated by what dh had done I could not believe my best friend was acting like this....in fact (and I now take some sollace in this) in the months he was seeing HEr he was not recogisable as himself, he was miserable and confused.
There's a part of you can't walk away from your beast friend in that situation because of all the years you've had together that were good. I also found that I was strong....the mother in me took over and I became very calm and focused on not letting any of what was going on hurt the children.
Good luck with your counselling.i found it my safelty valve...I could let oput all the mixed emotions in a safe environment and it allowed me to think straight and make choices that I wanted.You will also find you learn/ face upto things about yourself that stem from childhood and can use that to change your outlook on life.

After the trauma we went though we both now completely appreciate the simple things about family life (you take them for granted aslife gets in the way)we made time for one another and made sure we kept talking...it's not easy but it can be done. Keep us posted, will be thinking of you.

Thankyou again for all your support as i am finding out there is no rule book for this sort of thing and i am just living day to day. Have managed to keep busy by tidying up lots - it seems so much easier without his things around!!
He says he has had a change of mind again!! He says he has told the other woman it is over and that he really knows what he wants now - ive heard that before!! I think some of it comes from my new found figure and the thought of me dating again!! The trouble is deep down i still want him back and so i am finding it difficult to not think about him all the time. I know the best thing is to just get on with my life - he cant understand that i am finding it so difficult but it is me that has to face people every day and tell them. Should i stil go ahead and seek legal advice ect. what about getting bills ect in my name - i cant even get a bank account because i have no real income of my own. Money is not a real worry though but it could be in the future if things get nasty.

hurtwife. I tried to CAT you, listen I'm always going through something similar but cannot post much in the public domain. Feel free to email me at alison dot smits at btinternet dot com. You really are not alone in going through this right now. I have two young ds aged 4 and 3 and an h who is living another life.

Hi hurtwife.. hope you don´t mind me putting my 2 cents worth in...

For what it´s worth I think you are being incredibly brave and level headed about the whole thing.

I say make yourself look great every day and go out with a smile on your face, then he will see what he is missing (whether you want him back or not as this will make YOU feel good).

I think it´s a very good sign that he wants and has even volunteered to go to counselling together, it does show some comittment on his part towards you and the marriage and the children.

I do agree with the others though that before you can even think of counselling etc the woman has to go and it is fantastic that he has already said he is getting rid.

If you really do still love him, can forgive him and want to make a go of your marriage I say stick with it and go to counselling. Make sure he takes his fair share of looking after the children and pays his way (though it doesn´t sound as if you have a problem there, especially with offering to buy you a new house!) but you need to set down some ground rules too before he comes back so it´s not just on his terms.

Good luck, I really wish you well. You are much stronger than I would be.. the OW would have been murdered by now in my case! lol

You love him and he wants you back. I think that's simple then. Go to counselling or talk and may be take him back with conditions. I think that works better, like he spends more time with the family, finances are separated a bit, perhaps he does a day childcare a week even at a weekend so you can work one day a week as financial protection for the future. He tells you wherever he is and is always in contact. He gets a sexual health test done now and every 6 months and gives you the results. etc etc What some people who do this realise is the other half will tolerate it and take them back and so they see that as a license to do it for the next 30 years with a series of women or men. You don't want to be in that position.

Thank you so much, I do feel so much stronger now as i know i will one day feel better. He is in my life forever whatever because of the children and having spent so much of our lives together i think we will always be friends anyway. I am not sure it is me he wants to come back for and i think it may be the kids. I need to sort myself out and get some interests of my own - as for going out everyday with a smile i think that is a very good idea i have just read a book called the rules of life and it has really helped me - if i can mean something to someone each day then i have purpose. And so once again to everyone who has posted here a big thankyou you have done more than you realise in keeping me going and so you should all be proud of yourselves.
I will let you know how it goes - he wants to meet up at the weekend for a date how exciting!!!! So off to buy to some smaller clothes!!

Hi what is 'the rules of life' and who is it by?

Well good for you! You have the right attitude. And whilst you´re at the shops for new clothes why not pamper yourself and get your hair done and a massage (if you´re not on a budget), that will make you feel a million Dollars too.

Hope you enjoy your "date" lol. I wouldn´t be so sure he´s just coming back for the kids... he could see them at weekends at his new place if that was the case. He may have decided that the excitement of his fling is over and it´s back to the real world where he was settled and comfortable before it all began.

You know the excitement bit is all well and good for a while but most men want to feel mothered and looked after and secure and, whilst a fling may make them feel younger for a while, it isn´t a long term satisfying need it´s fullfilling.

You could probably both do with addressing some issues at some point and highlight some things in each other that has helped create that wedge between you and of course if you go to counselling together that will help too.

I really wish you all the best! Let us know how it all goes (not just the date)..

Hi again
I am worried that i am now playing games with him do i really want him back or do i just want to make sure she doesnt have him - does it matter really?
I have to still live my life as if he is not coming back though.
I dont know what to believe anymore - he says he has had the offer accepted on the house but is this just a way of stringing me along until he gets himself sorted? I really dont think though that he would lie to the children again and he knows i have told them what is happening house wise.
Deep down i dont think he is a bad person i think he has just got himself into such a mess and cant really see a clear way out.

I'd stay seperated for a period - maybe 6 months. Then you can review how you really fee about him - by then you should know if it's him you really want or if you just want to stop her having him. Some space should also give him time to sort his head out, and for you to build up a life without him, just in case.

But I have to say using this period to 'date' each other does sound sensible, and fun! Sometimes going back to square 1 can really help.

Good luck!