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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister/son wedding trauma update

42 replies

greencottage · 13/04/2015 04:59

For those of you who were kind enough to help and comment on my traumatic situation regarding having to choose between attending my DSis wedding vs supporting my son who had been treated appallingly by her, I thought I'd let you know what happened in the end.

So I went downunder and visited my son. I chose to support my DS, but let my DSis know that I would always be there for her in the future. I tried to arrange to meet her and discuss face to face but she would not see me, and sent me texts and emails telling me "you and your family are dead to me" and also "if you turn up at my wedding I will call security" (!!). It was extremely upsetting.

Then DM arrived for the event, and she sent numerous upsetting emails telling me the stress of what I was doing was causing her to be ill, and that I should just get over what DSis had done and all have a happy time together. She also broke several confidences which I had told her, regarding my view of what DSis and her DP had done (which made matters unnecessarily worse), then denied that she had done this, then when I spelt it out to her she said that she didn't know they were confidences (it was obvious). So I felt very betrayed and that she was favouring my sister (who can never do wrong, anyway) over me and her grandson. Finally, when I wouldn't give in to what she thought I would do, she wrote to my brother and told him she was worried about my mental health. The whole thing was really horrible.

Anyway, the wedding was on Saturday. I haven't heard anything from anyone except that today mother sent me an email with nothing written in it, just photo after photo. Why did she do that? Why not write something, e.g. we had a lovely day, thought you would like to see the pics; or sorry you weren't there; or just something. Why send these photos accompanied by radio silence? I don't get it.

So, I'm off home tomorrow, leaving behind me a completely shattered family. No sister, no mother. All extremely upsetting, but I do feel very confident that I did the right thing, so thanks to everyone for their advice. If anyone can throw light on the general behaviour I've been living through, which has been a complete nightmare, I'd appreciate it.

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 13/04/2015 05:03

Hi, I haven't read your first post, but wanted to give you my support. You are a Mum and your children always come first no matter what. I'm sorry you are going through this upsetting time. WineCakeBrewFlowers to you. Xxx

YoureAMeanGirl · 13/04/2015 05:07

I too haven't read your first thread but it very much sounds like you are better off without them.

I'm sorry you are going through this tho WineWineWine

Original poster
greencottage · 13/04/2015 05:09

Thanks Mermaid that is so kind. It really makes me feel better to know that I haven't lost the plot and that I am right to put my son before the demands of my mother and sister. I always felt that was right, but I was under so much pressure it became weirdly confusing.

For anyone who's interested here is the original story

OP posts:
Original poster
greencottage · 13/04/2015 05:10

Thanks Meangirl.

OP posts:
StupidBloodyKindle · 13/04/2015 05:16

I remember your thread OP.FlowersBrewCake You did the right thing supporting your son. Your sister was wrong and is being controlled by your BIL. Your mum is an undiplomatic, in denial, unsupportive bigger who has essentially picked diss over you. She has made her bed. Your Dsis can now do everything for her except she can't can she
You did nothing wrong and were put in an untenable position. You are a good mum.Star Hold your head up high, go home, put it behind you. Vent on the stately homes toxic/nc family threads. Flowers

StupidBloodyKindle · 13/04/2015 05:17

Bugger not bigger. Stupid.bloody.kindle.

StupidBloodyKindle · 13/04/2015 05:18

Dsis not diss, sorry am in autospell mode.

Eastpoint · 13/04/2015 05:23

I read your original thread & am think you are right to support your son. I'm sorry that you have gone through such an unpleasant experience.

lunar1 · 13/04/2015 05:24

I read your last thread, you did the right thing. I think ultimately the marriage will fail (hopefully) as it really sounds like her husband is emotionally abusive and is trying to separate her from the family. Why else would he and ultimately your sister treat your son so badly?

I'd probably keep the door open for dsis if she ever breaks away.

textfan · 13/04/2015 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForThud · 13/04/2015 05:37

I remember your story - I think you did the right thing. Anyone who goes that ballistic when you 'cross' them will never be satisfied with your behaviour. Ergo, don't even bother.

Having said that, it does hurt when there's a family rift. Hope you're ok Flowers

PeppermintCrayon · 13/04/2015 05:40

I have skimmed your previous thread and I think there is no excuse for how your DS was treated. Even if he had behaved awfully, they should have contacted you rather than simply chucking him out. And even if DSis is in an abusive relationship, she is the one kicked him out of the car, right? (I thought I saw that in a post but now I can't seem to find it again.)

Your DM is behaving in a way that is very toxic. The emotionally healthy thing to do would have been to say: oh dear, I'm not surprised you feel like that, I'm gutted we won't be at the wedding together, can I do anything to help sort this out?

What she has done instead by just sending you the photos... it reminds me of a tactic done by toxic people known as 'hoovering' and I think it might be the same. Have a google of toxic hoovering and you'll see what I mean.

Mermaidhair · 13/04/2015 06:20

I have just gone and the your op. You most definitely did the right thing! As I said before children always come first, and even more so in this case. Xxxx

LegoSuperstar · 13/04/2015 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3teenageboys · 13/04/2015 07:14

Well done, I didn't comment on your original thread but I think you did the right thing. Your sister did a terrible thing by throwing your boy out. She is a spoilt, selfish woman. I believe in time you will be proved right about her husband.

Huge Hugs xxxxx

Ooothatsnice · 13/04/2015 07:16

I too remember your thread op and you did the right thing of course.
It was never going to be easy because your dsis is under her dh's spell (silly woman) as for your DM, well you obviously didn't get your parenting skills from her, thankfully. Personally I would be glad to see the back of them and not engage with them anymore. I wish you & your ds all the best for the future Flowers

Original poster
greencottage · 13/04/2015 07:20

Thank you so much everyone for your comments. It's great to have some reassurance. I DO know I did the right thing, but it's been horrible and I feel very hurt and confused by the whole thing, most of all how my mother bought into it. Well, perhaps it's not surprising I choose to live on the other side of the world. Back to normal tomorrow (after 22 hours in the air... aargh)

OP posts:
flippinada · 13/04/2015 07:50

I remember your original thread, OP. You have absolutely done the right thing and I'm so sorry it has come to this. Your mum and sister have behaved appallingly. Fwiw, I think peppermint is bang on the money.

You may find the stately homes thread helpful if you want to talk about it further.

Good luck at work today Smile.

flippinada · 13/04/2015 07:58

Sorry, I had it in my head you were back to work today and you didn't write that at all. Where did I get that from? Confused

Good luck anyway!

florentina1 · 13/04/2015 08:00

It does seem that her behaviour gives more evidence the your son was wronged by her in the first place. Not that you ever doubted it. You did the right thing. The fact that she is pretending you have mental issues is to try to put herself in the right,

Deep down, I am sure she knows that she has wronged you. It is no comfort to you to be proved right, and so sad that your family have done this to you.

PunkrockerGirl · 13/04/2015 08:07

I remember your previous thread, OP. You have done absolutely the right thing in supporting your ds but it's still a horrible situation to find yourself in.
Sending Flowers Cake and Wine for you and ds and hope you have a good flight home.

Isetan · 13/04/2015 08:18

In your last thread, you painted a rosy harmonious picture of your family relationships, with your sister's partner being the only fly in the ointment. It now appears that there are toxic dynamics flying left right and centre and I'm concerned that your son's behaviour could just be another one that you can't/ won't see.

Your mother is being very manipulative and I'd give her a wide berth for now but I do think you might want to be honest with yourself about your family dynamics and why it was more convenient for you to initially pin all the blame on your sister's partner (I'm not suggesting he's totally innocent in all this but he's clearly not the primary problem).

Good luck.

Original poster
greencottage · 13/04/2015 08:32

Isetan since I've been here I have become even more convinced than I was before that my son was blameless, as I have heard feedback from other people around the periphery which backs up what I'd been told by DS. However, I do take your point that there is plenty of toxic behaviour here - from DM and Dsis. My eyes were actually previously open to it - I know my mother can be manipulative. But what I tried to stress before was that I have always cared about my family, and certainly it is true that in the past we have always helped each other out etc. I don't understand where this drastic change has come from and it did seem to me to hinge around the new DP. I now see DSis and DM as playing just as much of a role and I can't understand why or what is going on. One thing that occurs to me is that it is my first family visit for nearly 10 years, so maybe it was a kind of jostling for position/power that normally passes me by because I and (until now) DS were at a distance and not enmeshed.

OP posts:
chocolatelife · 13/04/2015 08:43

And how is your son? Is he ok.
Can he at least make amends do you think, at some point?

NeedABumChange · 13/04/2015 08:46

Send an email back with lots of lovely pictures of your visit to DS.

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