Sister/son wedding trauma update

[greencottage]

For those of you who were kind enough to help and comment on my traumatic situation regarding having to choose between attending my DSis wedding vs supporting my son who had been treated appallingly by her, I thought I'd let you know what happened in the end.

So I went downunder and visited my son. I chose to support my DS, but let my DSis know that I would always be there for her in the future. I tried to arrange to meet her and discuss face to face but she would not see me, and sent me texts and emails telling me "you and your family are dead to me" and also "if you turn up at my wedding I will call security" (!!). It was extremely upsetting.

Then DM arrived for the event, and she sent numerous upsetting emails telling me the stress of what I was doing was causing her to be ill, and that I should just get over what DSis had done and all have a happy time together. She also broke several confidences which I had told her, regarding my view of what DSis and her DP had done (which made matters unnecessarily worse), then denied that she had done this, then when I spelt it out to her she said that she didn't know they were confidences (it was obvious). So I felt very betrayed and that she was favouring my sister (who can never do wrong, anyway) over me and her grandson. Finally, when I wouldn't give in to what she thought I would do, she wrote to my brother and told him she was worried about my mental health. The whole thing was really horrible.

Anyway, the wedding was on Saturday. I haven't heard anything from anyone except that today mother sent me an email with nothing written in it, just photo after photo. Why did she do that? Why not write something, e.g. we had a lovely day, thought you would like to see the pics; or sorry you weren't there; or just something. Why send these photos accompanied by radio silence? I don't get it.

So, I'm off home tomorrow, leaving behind me a completely shattered family. No sister, no mother. All extremely upsetting, but I do feel very confident that I did the right thing, so thanks to everyone for their advice. If anyone can throw light on the general behaviour I've been living through, which has been a complete nightmare, I'd appreciate it.

Your family of origin have not fundamentally altered; your mother and sister are still the same as they ever were with the same roles being played out. Its only because you removed yourself from that dynamic by having physical distance that you perhaps thought that they had infact changed.

Your family of origin was never a healthy one to begin with; it is not your fault that your sister and mother are the ways they are.

They put you in an impossible situation. How were you meant to leave your sis alone like she wanted and make up with her like your dm wanted? Set up to fail, no matter what you did and at every stage the bad guy.

Did we ever find out what you son said / did that caused BIL so much of an issue?

OP, you did good! You really did. Keep your head held high. Your sister and BIL are bullies and your mother is trying to placate it all by taking your sis side. From your earlier thread it seems like as your sister has been the difficult one and so your mother is always taking her side as you eventually "come around", hence peace for everyone.

Leave them and their drama to it, although I am sorry you are hurting. The good thing is that when it all goes wro g for your sister (it will) you dont have to pick up the pieces (promise you wont).

You did realt good.

Agreed with everyone else that you made the right choice. What peppermint says, really.

You really were the scapegoat here weren't you? if it hadn't been you, had you chosen to go to the wedding, it might have been your son who was the scapegoat instead.

It might be worth considering setting up a separate email folder for your mother's stuff and getting mails sent there automatically. The wedding photos were a nasty touch. Deliberately spilling your confidences was a nasty touch. Questioning your mental health was a nasty touch too. Not a woman who likes her will to be brooked, your mother, is she?

It hurts so much when you realise your family isn't what you thought it was and won't be there for you. But you did the right thing by standing by your son and honestly, events have only proven that.

I also remember the original thread. I think you DM and Sister are jealous, they realise when it comes down to it, where your loyalty lies (with your DS). In response they tried to put you in to a difficult position and force you to pick them.

You did what you needed to do, well done.

If this was me I would send an email back to your sister (copied to your DM), stating that you are very sad that "you and your family are dead to her", and you will always hope for a reconciliation. However her treatment of your DS was unforgivable and any reconciliation would first require a full apology to your DS.

I would send this to give a clear message to her and your DM that your DS comes first, last and everywhere in between and you will not just "get over what DSis had done"

I too remember your original thread. I'm so pleased you stuck up for your DS (and everything DrMorbius said)

The only people who witnessed what happened were your son, your sister and her partner, so I'm confused as to how people on the periphery could confirm anything about what went on.

You deliberately painted a rosy picture of your family relationships pre BIL (conveniently glossing over the less idyllic characteristics of your mother and sister) and there was a reason for that. Loving and caring for your family doesn't mean you have to pretend that everything's rosy.

I think what happend with your son exposed an inconvenient truth about your family dynamics, which you're still primarily blame on your BIL. I can't believe that your mother's expertly deployed PA photo only email, hasn't been employed by her before? That's a pretty expert move for a novice and don't get me started on the 'mental health' email to your brother,. Your mum has a black belt in toxicity and that takes years of practice.

There seems to be something off in your characterisation of everyone in this story. Your son has gone from 'opinionated' to blameless, your sister, from being manipulated and controlled by her now H, to never doing wrong.

I'm not saying your son is or has been manipulative in this situation but given your blind spot to 'famiiiiiily', I wouldn't label him 'blameless' quite yet.

Everyone has their role to play in toxic relationships, which is yours?

Isetan - unless the OP's DS did something that was police-reportable, then nothing excuses the sister's and her partner's behaviour. Nothing. However, I think you're right that there is a long history here - this hasn't come out of nowhere.

I'm so sorry OP - that all sounds really shit. I wonder if you might wander over to the Stately Homes thread and start to try and unpick it

Your mother has very obviously picked your sister and BIL over you and joined in the histrionics instead of telling everyone she won't take sides. She went beyond that to drop you in it over shared confidences and then dragging your DB into it querying your MH.

I don't think there's much hope of DSis ever relenting but your DM may soon appear to soften. The photos are like bait. If there's been a history of this sort of manipulation that resumption of contact will be dangerous. Your DS was the entree, you were the main course and pack instinct took over - once a successful attack has been made it's hard to let prey go. It seems the best policy to protect yourself is to disengage and detach.

I remember your original thread, I commented on it at the time & I think that you've done the right thing.
I remember you talking about your sister's previous disastrous relationships & how she would come with no notice & stay with you when a relationship had broken down.
I said that I thought that your Mum would want this relationship to be your sister's happy ever after. She's looking at it through rose tinted goggles because she has to believe that everything is rosy & nothing will be allowed to get in the way of it.
Your view of BIL might be a little too close for your Mum's comfort zone. I often think that if I find someone a bit off in a particular way, then others will too. She's attacking anything that gets in the way of the rosy reality that's being constructed.
I bet you're not the only one who feels uneasy about this man, you have had alternative views from other witnesses already.
I think that your Mum is that frightened of your sister being involved in another bad relationship that she can't accept it & you & your son are the collateral damage that she's willing to risk.
The thing is, when your Mum comes back to the UK, are you prepared to support her when she wouldn't support you? It might be time to pass the problems onto your sister, after all, she can organise things online from Oz and she'll be in Europe for 6 weeks in summer; perhaps your Mum could go & stay............?

unless the OP's DS did something that was police-reportable, then nothing excuses the sister's and her partner's behaviour. Nothing. Really, police-reportable behaviour, is that your threshold for ejecting someone from your home? Thankfully, my tolerance threshold is a lot lower that police-reportable.

I never said her son was to blame but the OP is very quick to assign roles to the characters in this story and her track record when it comes her direct family, is overly generous. Just like the OP is now the one being cast as the scapegoat for the plot line in this latest drama, she has done a similar job on the BIL.

The OPs mother has turned out to be a really manipulative and vindictive piece of work and the whole family dynamic sounds toxic, the OP' appears to have initially glossed over this, in an unsuccessful attempt to portray family togetherness.

The OP has every right to give her mum and sis a wide berth, I just think scapegoating BIL is pointless and unhelpful.

Interesting points of view on this thread, OP. Worth your evaluation against reality. But I do think your sister was very much in the wrong. One can usually put up with even a terrible houseguest for more time than she had your DS.

I remember the original thread, I was on the fence, thinking your DS must have done something, but this thread confirms you were right to support him. If your DS wouldn't meet you and flew off into "you are dead to me" mode she was obviously out of order. It seems she takes after her mother. What a stressful time for you. I would be inclined to send the photos back with a note saying that after the way your mother and sister have treated you and your son you are not remotely interested in their photos of them pretending to have a happy family day, and that this family has some serious problems that need addressing.

I remember your initial post and while I'm sorry your mother and sister are being abusive you did the right thing putting your son first.

I remember your thread too, and I think you did the right thing in an overwhelmingly difficult situation. Your son is your absolute priority, and he was treated appallingly.

Sounds awful for you though