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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Men that give the silent treatment

36 replies

SilentTreatment · 12/04/2015 11:10

I wonder what you guys think of those Mr Unavailables that blow hot and cold. Romance the hell out of you one moment, then follow this with a disappearing act, only to contact you a few days later as if nothing happened.

Obviously they're asshats and not worthy of our time. I'm just curious about the whole phenomenon - do they actually find this way of interacting with women fulfilling?

Have you met men like this? What was your experience? Share! So we can wise up about this strange breed.

OP posts:

CtrlAltDelicious · 12/04/2015 11:12

Life. Is. Too. Short. For. This. Fucking. Nonsense.
This kind of twattery is boring, self-obsessed and a waste of energy.
Honestly, that's my only opinion on people like this.

Original poster

SilentTreatment · 12/04/2015 11:22

Life is indeed, too short. Which begs the question - why do it?

OP posts:

MadeMan · 12/04/2015 11:27

Women sometimes do a similar thing too. One day they'll be all happy to see you and chatty, then the next time they see you they'll run straight past without even a glance or acknowledgement in your direction.

Confuses the hell out of me.

cailindana · 12/04/2015 11:28

It's insecurity and a need to control. They don't want to admit they need you, so they get you all excited and interested, then disappear so you can wonder and worry, then if it works the next time you're delighted they're back and you're kept hanging on. I feel sorry for people like this - they have very low self esteem and can't believe someone will actually like them if they turn up and get involved.

niceupthedance · 12/04/2015 11:33

It's a sign they don't see you as anything serious. In a nutshell.

cailindana · 12/04/2015 11:38

Someone who's genuinely not bothered won't make any effort niceup - people like this do put effort in but only to make the other person dance around wanting their attention. It's childish, nasty behaviour.

championnibbler · 12/04/2015 11:42

In regard to these kind of men - the only thing that works is to ignore them.
don't give an asshole air, then it can't shit on you.

Original poster

SilentTreatment · 12/04/2015 11:53

cailindana so it's just an ego-massage mechanism? Quite narcissistic. Are they incapable of forming relationships?

OP posts:

cailindana · 12/04/2015 11:55

I think they're probably incapable of forming healthy relationships until they have a serious attitude change Silent.

cailindana · 12/04/2015 11:56

I think for some it is an ego massage but for others it's a defensive thing - as in, I can't show I like this person in case they reject me so I'll act cool and pretend I don't care. It's insecurity as I say.

Original poster

SilentTreatment · 12/04/2015 12:02

Makes sense. I guess when I was younger I might have pursued such men, on a mission to 'fix' them. Oh the naivety of youth!

Now I'm in my 30s, I explain out front that the behaviour is unacceptable, and then if it continues - bin.

I've just binned one such asshat. Fortunately, they seem to be a minority of men.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 12/04/2015 12:12

Cailindana I think you've hit the nail on the head in your posts. From my experience and with the benefit of hindsight, I would say there is a lot of low self esteem mixed with narcissism and a fear of being in a real grown up loving relationship.

I now look back and actually feel sorry for him, because has missed out and will continue to miss out on real fulfilled relationships. I can also see now, despite outward appearance, he has a low self esteem and cares too much on what he believes people think of him.

Original poster

SilentTreatment · 12/04/2015 12:21

With the dude I just binned, his father is a financially and emotionally abusive prick, who regularly dishes out the silent treatment to his poor long-suffering wife, who suffers from chronic anxiety as a result.

What a car crash.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 12/04/2015 12:38

I have my own theories too OP, which I won't go into here but I believe they extend from a decision he made decades ago and his mother. Its very sad to see because his aspirations are to be like his pensioner mother and I believe it is to prove to her he stands by a decision he made many years ago.

Over the years while with him, I have swung from being hurt, upset, angry to indifference to now with the benefit of hindsight feeling very sorry and pity for him. He desperately wants to be happy but can't

Original poster

SilentTreatment · 12/04/2015 13:03

forum Why do these guys get emotionally involved with women they have no intention of having a 'proper' relationship with? If it were just about sex, why don't they just stick to Fuck Buddies?

I think they get off on the mind fuckery. I think it makes them feel powerful. Sadly, there's a large supply of willing women they can fuck over - the 'I can fix him' types.

OP posts:

confusedoflondon · 12/04/2015 18:04

I'm confused about what constitutes silent treatment. Do you mean you have had words and then they have disappeared or simply they are full on then dont hear from them for a few days? Is the latter not just them attending to other areas of their life before the next time they see you? Is that not normal ?

confusedoflondon · 12/04/2015 18:05

Genuine question and not being adversarial. If he is lovely when with you and then lovely the next time not sure what the issue is in between IYSWIM

confusedoflondon · 12/04/2015 18:14

www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/5-girl-men/ this website has amazing advice and a male perspective. So useful.

pinkfrocks · 12/04/2015 18:24

I think perhaps the OP means they go silent and then SHE makes the next move- they are then all gushy and say the right things but then she doesn't hear from them again, unless she makes contact.
No?

pinkfrocks · 12/04/2015 18:27

confused Had a quick read of that website and I think a lot of it is pure bollocks. Far too stereotypical and very outdated.

confusedoflondon · 12/04/2015 18:39

I think we can safely say we agree to disagree then I've found it genuinely insightful and helpful. I feel its given me a an insight that at 43 after a few long term relationships and a marriage I'd never considered before. Horses for courses

confusedoflondon · 12/04/2015 18:40

I'm not sure. I just assumed she meant they were lovely when they are together but then 'quiet' in between which I take to be just normal everyday life taking place but I may have misunderstood the OP.

PeppermintCrayon · 12/04/2015 18:47

DH says men don't play games when they're genuinely interested.

confusedoflondon · 12/04/2015 18:49

Was Op talking about a specific man though? And how long with him etc and her expectations and his? We need facts!!!

MiniTheMinx · 12/04/2015 19:14

Yep dealt with one of these. Cailindana hit the nail on the head. Mine had dreadfully low self-esteem, masquerades as indifference one moment, control the next, occasionally bold displays of affection and romantic gestures and finally feelings and expressions of inferiority. Oh, and lots of sob stories. Huge issues stemming from childhood. Father abusive, ex wife a fruitcake, and lots of stalking ex girlfriends. I wonder what sent these women mad!

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