Is age just a number? Make or break time!

[Ellexx]

Please give me some advice :-). I am 24 and have recently began dating a very handsome guy for approximately 6 weeks. However there is one problem that is really concerning me and I feel like I'm not letting myself get too close because of this! The problem- his age.

He has recently just turned 20, it's not particularly the age gap that bothers me but more the knowledge that men take a lot longer to mature and my parents have always emphasised that dating a guy older than me would be for the best. Tbh I haven't yet determined whether he's mature or not- look wise he actually looks older than me! 6ft 3 and very built, but that's not really the issue.

I have been honest from the start to him and stated I wasn't sure whether I wanted things to progress due to this problem, he said he respected my feelings and he couldn't change that. However I feel since that we have both got more attached- him in particular and he's recently bought me some lovely birthday gifts. I also think he wants to still see where it goes, but he understands my thoughts atm.

I guess opinions and your experiences would be really useful right now! I really don't want to hurt him and I'm worried I'm leading him on- especially as we do act like we're a couple which is probably confusing for him!

Thank you In advance :-)

GO for it OP, it's only 4 yrs, if you are getting on as well as it sounds you are, enjoy it & see what happens, have fun with him !!!

Well, Boris Becker won Wimbledon when he was 17, and Richard Branson had started what would become Virgin Megastore when he was 21, so I'm not sure it's entirely accurate to say 'men take a lot longer to mature'. When I say 'not entirely accurate' I mean 'sexist generalisation'.

In fact of the two of you I would describe your behaviour as less mature. You are dating, but you don't want things to progress because of his age. He wants to see where things go but you think you're leading him on, especially as you act like a couple. Which given you're apparently dating is not unreasonable. All this poor guy seems to have done is respect your feelings and bought nice presents - I'm 43 and that sounds okay to me!

Add to which, you're twenty-bloody-four. How serious a relationship do you need to be having right now?! You realise it's not up to your parents to decide who you should be dating? Part of being an adult is forming your own opinions, and I note that you haven't actually found out how mature this guy is yet (despite spending time with him and acting like a couple).

So - to summarise. This guy sounds great from everything you describe. Make a decision - either you want to try and have a relationship with him (and why wouldn't you) or you don't. The age thing is utterly irrelevant. Do him the courtesy of being clear about your intentions and take it from there.

All this angst for 4 years difference

When you're a little mature yourself you'll see how amusing this question is

Thanks for your replies,

As mentioned it's not particularly the age gap but more so the maturity of a 20 year old.

Forgive me for questioning it, but due to past relationships ending painfully due to immature guys and several people's opinions on the subject including friends and family it's naturally going to cross my mind!

I've come here for advise, not to be insulted, im not perfect nor do I know if I'm been unreasonable or not which is why I am here! although I appreciate your help, please bare this in mind!

Everyone is different, you are going to have to wait nd see how he turns out.mdont jump in with both feet because then it will be tougher to backtrack. And yes, there is an emotional risk here..l.what if you spend time together and start liking him, what if you then see things that you don't like, how do you cope etc....this is the risk of relationship. Have your eyes open and listen to your instincts.

You're the one that is immature. And sounding quite shallow too.
How is it relevant at all that he is handsome or "built"? Or bought you nice presents?

And you're the one basing who you date on what mummy and daddy think of their age.

And are immature enough to come out with twaddle about "men" being immature

So yeah - let him go, and date again when you've grown up a bit yourself.

Crikey some of you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!

I find it quite sad that you can't express your opinions in a friendly manner, I'm not sure what I have to done to be insulted. I find the tone very belitering and patronising.

I am not shallow, I was expressing the fact he looked older and had more of a mans physique!

In regards to the 'mummy and daddy' comment, is it an offence to take note on what my parents are saying? Does this automatically make me a 'little girl'?

When me and dp got together, I was 25, he was 20 (just!) and I didn't feel it was a massive age difference maturity wise. 3 years down the line with a baby and getting married in July, there is absolutely no difference in maturity. If anything he is more mature than I am, certainly more sensible!

Ok I just added a year on us both! I was 24, he was 19!

You say the age gap doesn't bother you but that he maybe immature. Yet you say you haven't given it time to decide this. Plus you act like a couple and accept gifts but don't want to lead him on.

this all sounds like a pain to me. You won't know how mature he is unless you give it a try. either go out with him or don't but let him know which because he sounds like he is waiting on you and that's not fair in any relationship.

But it's immature of you to think that his physique is indication of how mature he is
And even if it did, you focused on him being "very handsome". Which yes, does sound immature to me.

And whilst it's fine to take advice from those we love, it's sounds OTT to me for your parents opinion of what is "for the best" to carry so much weight, when your dating someone when there really isn't an age gap anyway. 20/24? Nothing.

I'm not sure why people are being so snippy with you - it sounds fine, just see how it goes.

He sounds quite fit to me, I think you should go out with him!

Cabrinha- oh no I think you misinterpreted what I said/i expressed it wrongly- I was merely trying to highlight the fact he looked older than his age, of course physique does not indicate maturity! I would neve think that! And I said he's handsome because he is, I don't think there is anything wrong with stating that!

Hmm I think from all your reactions it's made me realise that it may stem from my first relationship. My first boyfriend ended the relationship after two years stating he realised he wasn't ready for a relationship as he felt like he was too Young and needed to live his life sleep around (he cheated on me on a lads holiday)

I know it's wrong for me to judge him due to my ex and that's not fair, I guess I'm probably just trying to protect myself! It is part of the reason I came here as its good to get advise from other people without the same mindset.

I wouldn't say I'm immature I think it would be more accurate to say 'wary' because of past hurt.

New leaflet- thankyou! I know I was a little confused too. I am still learning and of course I'm not perfect!

In your case I wouldn't worry about anything at all. You are both young, the relationship might fizzle out in time anyway, and if it does get serious and you settle down with him, well he is an adult not a child and he's only going to get older.

The only thing you might find is that you feel ready for a sense of permanence/commitment and having children a couple of years before he does. But so long as you respect that he wants to wait a while and you don't start obsessing/nagging him about 'settling down' and trying to 'shackle him down' if he's clearly demonstrating that he's not ready then I don't see that you have anything at all to worry about. I have three girlfriends whose husbands are between 4 and 10 years younger than them and everything is hunky dory.

my dh is younger than me (by more years) and it's worked out fine! He is considerably more mature in regards to providing for his family than me!!!!

Your ex is an arsehole for cheating on you, I'm sorry that happened.

But I think it shows maturity to end something because you feel it's too early in your life to settle down. Just that should be done before cheating.

I don't want to depress you, but spend 5 minutes on this board and you'll see age is no barrier to arseholian behaviour.

It's probably true that if your priority is to meet your life partner tomorrow, and have kids straight away, then you'll probably find that more readily in a 30yo man than a 20yo. It's fine to restrict yourself to an older age range - as long as within that group, you then choose for good reasons. Not only because they're "mature".

But if you think dating someone older is going to reduce the risk of them changing their mind, or cheating - well, it won't. But - you have to be in it to win it!

I'm sorry I was a bit snippy, but the sweeping generalisation about men was offensive, and I was irritated that you thought him being very handsome had any relevance at all.

Thank you, really good advice!

stupid Flanders- how old were you when you met?

II think I have learnt not to generalise so much, as there are always exceptions anyway!

The other day my boss said to his nephew who is 24, 'don't settle down young you will only regret it, have fun whilst you can' which made my ears bat up and probably didn't help my situation haha! He settled down when he was 40 after a wild few years, so probably not the best person to represent the male population!!!

Ahh I think my past demons are to blame here! Glad I've realised

Why isn't he a good person to represent the male population?
And female?
I think it's lovely if you meet someone wonderful in your 20s.
But I think it's good advice to just enjoy yourself in your 20s. Don't look to settle down, but be open to it and happy if it happens.

Charina- thank you for apologising :-)

I think you do have a valid point, dating an older man won't stop me from getting hurt! I think it does boil down to my past and me trying to protect myself. I would like to say I'm quite open and honest with my feelings and I agree I shouldn't have generalised as much!

I just meant most guys don't need to wait until they are 40 to settle down like my boss (male) he was encouraging his nephew to wait until he was older- but I don't think this represents the general opinion of males!

Apologies I got your name wrong my phone changed it! In regards to the handsome comment, it was just a passing comment/background info, not to be taken as substance to the problem!

I don't wart to out myself but he was a couple of years older than your man! He's the most devoted family man and a great provider etc. just roll with it!

I was 17 when I started going out with my boyfriend who was 24. He'll be 29 soon and still acts like he's a teenager.

I don't think it's the age that determines how old you are it's the experiences. Does he have a job? Go to uni? Does he slob about watching tv at his parent's house? Hang around on street corners with his mates drinking tins?

Stuff like that will give you a good indicator of how mature he is/will be I think.

I meant "age doesn't determine how mature you are" not how old!

Should have previewed