How long did it take and how did you get there?

[4TimesIntoTheSameWall]

I realise it's not an exact science but I'd be interested to know how you moved on and how long it took you? And how did you know you'd moved on iyswim?
I know everyone's experiences are different and to be honest I should have let it go by now but every now and then, more often than I'd like, my ex will pop into my head and I'll think of him and OW gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. I'm doing all the usual live your life things but surely you can't go through life like this. I certainly don't want him back (fwiw he was very callous and cruel, but never physically) but I want to get to the stage that if I think of him or talk about him at all it's with laughter and maybe a little nostalgia. Not as it is at the moment with bitterness.

About three years and I don't know how I did it. I mean, I tried everything, so it'd be difficult to narrow it down to the successful strategy.

I don't think there's any science to it at all, and I think there's a limit to how much control you have over it as well. Its something you have to go through. Living your life is absolutely the right thing to do and will help but it won't provide a silver bullet.

I'm in the middle of it now and H still technically lives here so can't claim to have moved on in the full sense but I have definitely checked out after years of disappointment.

The thing I have noticed is that it goes in steps -- the first time I was really seriously let down by H I was devastated, desperately tried to hold onto it in any way I could etc. Each subsequent time I have been slightly more hardened and cynical and less trusting.

I reached my tipping point about two months ago and after years of the "one last shot at it" mentality and rationalising things I knew instinctively were not right in a marriage, I suddenly saw with incredible clarity that I could no longer go on. Its painful on a day to day basis because of the concern about the impact on our daughter and because of the unpleasantness of living with someone when you no longer love one another but any romantic illusions are now dead and buried.

You will get past the bitterness stage, without question. It may take years. But you will wake up one morning and realise, to your surprise, that it is no longer tearing you apart the way it used to. Eventually you will think of him with indifference.

I've moved on yet I can't really say how I know because I can't pin it on one thing. I just know I'm not grieving any more and I feel like the great gaping whole he left is closed again. I'm happy. It's taken about 4 years. But we were together a very long time and he was the archetypal 'love of my life' so I guess it's to be expected

You'll get there too OP. Trust that you will.

My XP pops into my head often, but less frequently when I'm busy and more frequently if i meet up with people he knows and who offer new titbits about his new life with his new partner which I then dwell on for days weeks

Three years.
For the first nine months I just kept getting up each morning.
Then I joined an activity group, for the next nine months I just attended then got brave enough to go to the pub afterwards. I made some new friends that helped my confidence.
Making new friends helped me to see that I was a great person who didn't deserve what had happened to me.
Over the next 18 months I learned to love and value myself.
No new relationship yet, but can see a time when this will be possible.

About 6 months, from ending the marriage. He moved out last week. He has been seeing someone else for a while, probably from before we split - I don't know, I don't care and I don't want to ask. I suppose I must have been so far down the line with it already.

I met someone a couple of weeks ago and been on a couple of dates. It's been a wonderful distraction.

Oooh good thread. I'm 8 months on and still dying to be honest. My guestimate for myself is around 18-24 months to properly heal and move on.

Lonecat you sound like you're making fantastic progress :)

Ouch Paddingtons Aunty :( Cant they be a little more sensitive and not tell you things? I am terrified of that type of situation because i know it'll really knock me down again for a while.

Thanks for replying. I'm sure it all sounds rather pathetic but I just wanted to know at what point will I start to feel indifferent... Infact I was lurking on another thread and the term they used was 'meh'. I want that.

We're all averagely on the same level in terms of getting over which means that this is my year to let it fucking go. I don't think it's him that I'm bitter over, he can burn in hell as far as I'm concerned. It's just the shear cruelty, the abandonment, the lies, the EA, the OW, the pretence. That's what I struggle to deal with. I guess I want to forgive myself? That sounds mad I know but no-one deserves that.

He went forward with his life being mister perfect while I fell apart but I did manage to put myself back together. So now I just want to let that final piece go. Am I asking for the moon on a stick? Maybe. But I know that this too shall pass and I will be better for it. I've also read on here: I may never be the same again; so trusting, so naive, but that is no bad thing.

I just want to let it the fuck go. Yes you can do all the living life you want but ultimately when you come home and you're alone at night it just hits you. I don't want that. I just want to be so blasé over it. I want to think of it as if it were a jumper I accidentally put in the washing machine that has now shrunk and now I'm laughing at it! Not angry with myself or bitter over it, just laughing at it and then getting on with things.

Sorry for the essay.

I've been awake the whole night torturing myself so it feels like a release to even write this down. So yea... deal with it!!!

You sound like you are on the right path - every step is a step forward and a positive thing.

Realising XH was a narcissist helped me box him away - it wasn't ME it was HIM.

I decided I wasn't going to carry his hurt around with me. It was as straightforward as that. BUT I left him when I was strong. When he was a complete shit I was still here. It wasn't until 4.5 years later that I was strong enough to go. I didn't leave because of what he did, I stayed through it. I left when I felt strong enough, and when there was still a grain of 'me' left. I've built on that grain pretty quickly and am really happy - even though he has left just last week.

It's when you are strong enough. It will come.

Well I met soneone else pretty quickly (I actively seduced him) so only 2 months but unsurprisingly that relationship wasn't healthy at all, I was possessive and suspicious but cheated as well.
It lasted 2 yrs and was pretty destructive for us both so although it got me over my x the emotional damage was still there.
It's been 10 yrs now and I struggle to even remember beubg with him and feel slight revulsion towards him now.
I feel nothing but sorry for the ow as she is being treated how I used to be by the bastard.

It's been just over 2 years now and I feel finally free from him. I rarely think about him now, it's a distant memory rather than someone I'd obsess about constantly.

And weirdly just this week I've met a guy I really like. I've wanted to meet someone for ages but maybe I just wasn't ready.

A good book to read, with some helpful exercises is Paul McKenna's 'I can mend your broken heart'. He uses NLP to help you literally put your ex behind you.

Oh and don't worry about reading on here about never being the same again, of course you will they will become less and less important as time passes.
You have your whine life in front of you.
How exciting to not know what's around the corner!
Anything can happen.
I was 36 when he left me and I've had the most amazing life since.
My best memories are of the last ten years.

Whole life I meant

I've had more sex in the last month of being single than in the last 4.5 years of marriage. That's helped.

6 months- I stopped hoping to 'win' him back
9 months- the first time I remember feeling like I would be ok and would recover from this
1 year-2 years I was off travelling the world with reckless abandon, having the time of my life, men left right and centre, and felt like I was over it, but in retrospect was repeatedly rushing into more damaging situations and just desperate to replace what I'd had before, rather than understand what a healthy relationship truly could be and what I really wanted out of life
3 years- I started to realise this, but kept 'falling' for echoes- so I stopped, and really, truly took the time for myself- before I was just going through the motions of putting myself first, rather than really working on that.
4-5 years- I can't even recognise the old me and am a different person now- so much happier, stronger, self confident, settled and comfortable with who I am and want I want in this life.

I think I took a very long time, but then I thought I was over it before I really was, and also I wasn't the one who had ended the relationship- I think those that realise the relationship/XP is wrong and end it themselves may be at a bit of a head start compared to those who only see it in retrospect or were unaware of what was going on etc.
For me what did it was true intention and complete honesty with myself.
XP and I now see each other socially a few times a year - and now there is just nostalgia, and a comfortable friendship. If anything I feel slightly sorry for him sometimes, because he didn't move on with his life in the same way, and he's said before that sometimes he regrets how things went between us. If he'd said that 3 years ago I'd have tried to get back with him. Now- I just feel slightly sorry for him, and hope he can truly move on the way I now feel I have.

Took me about 3 years before I stopped giving a fuck.
I don't think I'll ever look back and just think of the good times or laugh, but when I do think of him now it's just 'meh'
I no longer actually are what he does or with who. We only talk about the children so contact us limited, and even when I do talk to him there's nothing there. No anger or bitterness now, which is a lovely place to be.

It took me about 10 years, which might not be what you want to hear but it's the truth. I had to accept that he did not love me, which was very difficult as he was so convincing when he pretended to. I think part of him did, but never enough to stand up for me or our relationship. And he made this very clear over and over again.

I have finally seen him for the wanker he is and no longer have any interest in the stuff he tells me, which is mostly very boring, repetitive and a lot of it is made up as well. We had a child together which complicated things for a long time - but now I finally feel free of wanting to have him in my life. It's very liberating.

At the time we had been together for several years and I felt like I died when he left - it was incredibly painful. I had never known pain like that and it went on for years after. So I know how you feel x

I still have some residual anger though, I have to admit. I think when someone has consistently lied to you and to others about you, it can take a while to get past that. For instance he went on holiday recently and I wanted to find out where, and why, and so on - purely because he would not want me to know, and was always lying about stuff like that.

Making sure no one knows the truth is his way of 'winning' and I don't want him to win.

There's still a Miss Marple inside me that wants to have resolution and to see him admit he is a liar, but I doubt it will ever happen. I just feel lucky I can avoid him in most part these days.

psip
I sorry you had such a dreadful time, your situation is unusual though, if it takes ten years to move on fromany life trauma Id suggest there were other underlying issues
I hope your life is now amazing to makeup for your pain.

Just so the op doesn't. Freak out.

4Times you sound like you're becoming impatient with yourself. Don't be. Be kind to yourself.

I think you'll know you've reached 'meh' when your relationship to what happened has changed. When you can reflect on him/it as if you were hearing the story about someone else, if that makes sense. 'Meh', to me, means acknowledging how important a relationship with someone once was but is no more. It's not denying how deeply you felt, or how much you were hurt, or even any regret you have about how it all turned out. How I knew I was over it was when I realised I was able to talk about him in emotional language but WITHOUT the accompanying emotions.

Let it be 4Times.

Ledkr, I wish I hadn't bothered to post now. I thought my experience might provide another sort of benchmark for the OP in case she feels as bad as I did, or less bad which makes it positive for her in that case - however now I feel as though you have decided I'm a weirdo and it was because there's something wrong with me, so my story is irrelevant.

I am hurt by that.

I am 8 months post split with ex husband of 15 years (2.5 months post divorce) and the fact that I had to sit and work out how long it is, speaks volumes to me.

Echoing Psipsina I had never felt pain like it and I (and the people around me) thought that I was never going to feel 'better'. It hurt, boy did it hurt. Rejection, shock and loss are powerful emotions to come to terms with..

I didn't talk much to anyone in RL in the first few days, I had recently started a new job which meant nobody knew me or my personal situation which helped me to remain professional and focused at work (and gave me something to get up for everyday)

I was a firm believer in 'fake it, til you make it' and everyday I got up wore more make up than I ever had before, wore new clothes and accepted every invitation to socialise on offer. It wouldn't suit everyone (or be practical) but for the first time in my adult life I had no responsibilities (grown up family etc).

My support network when I finally began to talk and process were amazing- listened to the same thoughts and letting me cry over and over again! Don't get me wrong I was devastated but I was never going to beg or plead for someone who had made it clear that they no longer wanted me; I got angry but never wasted time expressing it to him. I did write a lot of my thoughts down too in the early days which I then tore up.

Keeping busy helped me in the early days and by the time (3 months in) I finally slowed down enough to think, I was able to process my thoughts in a more rational way. Today I am pretty indifferent. I have moved on both emotionally and physically (new home, old and new circle of friends). I have even been out on a couple of dates but know that the last thing I want at this moment in time is to rush into a relationship so soon. I don't regret my marriage or the time spent with him but I have to confess to be relieved now it is over as I wouldn't want to stay with someone who was halfhearted about being with me. That is never to say I didn't love him, I did, completely and with all my heart.

There was no instant 'I am over him' moment. It was the slow realisation that there was a life out there for me. To be honest I am still not sure what it entails but I know there is one .

You will get there and noone can give you a time span but one day you will wake up and it won't hurt, you won't hate and you will realise that life is good again

Psipsina...nobodys story is irrelevant. Please don't feel hurt. I understand the depth of pain. We all deal with things differently and if it takes 2 months or ten years so be it. There is no magic fix...unfortunately.

My stbxh walked out for the OW last August and I'm still dealing with this crap everyday. I cannot see how I'm ever going to be free of his control.

I was with him 23 years.

Thank you. I didn't want to have come across as a bit of a freak and was worried I had. Yes there are underlying issues I suppose but perhaps no more than anyone else has? I don't know.

psip I am truly sorry I hurt you, I just didn't want the op to worry she would take thst length of time too.
What I meant was that to be still hurting so badly for ten years is A not the usual thing and B I assume there were other factors involved and your situation was more complicated than many.
For perspective when my xh left it was for a 15 yr old (obv childabuse) and I'm a sw. I had 4 dc one only a few months old and had recently had a double mastectomy for cancer.
I felt so bad that I hoped I'd die so not easy.
With hindsight I "coped" by shagging about and drinkibg too much so not ideal.
I just think that 10 yrs is an unusual and tragic time to still grieve for someone and eabtrd the op to have hope.
Again I'm truly sorry I've offended you.