Anyone else with a workaholic partner? I'm struggling

[accessorizequeen]

Been with my dp for 15 years. He set up his first business in the first year of us meeting, and it feels like his businesses dominate our lives.

Background: We have 4 dc - 11, 8, 6, 6 so there were several years when we had very small dc & struggled to cope with it. 11yo ds has Aspergers, 8yo ds has anxiety & behaviour is very bad at times, 6yo ds diagnosed with hearing issues & still suspect Aspergers for him too. It gets very chaotic. I work about 20 hours a week in a job that's fairly stressful because it needs to be full-time & redundancy has been threatened in recent months. I'm on ADs to manage anxiety for the last 5 years.

For the last year, Dp has been building up a new company, he's working from home a lot & has 2 other businesses he manages too. He works about an 80hr week, and has done that for 4 months maybe. He is clearly struggling working that much, but I'm finding it impossible to just not resent the hell out of him. All of the kids-related stuff falls to me, I do school pick ups & drop offs 4 days a week, all the cleaning, washing, admin, most of the cooking & the rest of it. I would expect to be doing more/most as I have a day off a week. What I resent is that everything seems to revolve around his business. He talks endlessly all day and all night about it. He will come to me at 11pm and expect my attention for some detail that I don't understand anyway. I come in late on a Tuesday when he picks them up, he didn't make me any dinner, then wants to talk about business even though the kids haven't seen me, I haven't eaten, worked all day myself. I'm developing myself at work, and trying to create a new career but anytime I try to talk about it, I get talked over. 15 years of it all being about the new company, 24/7. I just feel so angry.

Yes, for you.
We are only 2ish years in and no kids, he has had 4 days off in that time (Christmas day x 2 and Easter day x 2)- out by 7am and in around 8pm in the winter and 9pm summer, when home its eating and then business bills/money etc and bed- rinse and repeat.
The above also include 1 hour travelling each way and is a physical job, he is knackered.
I don't resent him as I know what the plan is and am on board, however I do feel down sometimes and un motivated myself, again most housework etc falls on me, and life is feeling a bit samey- we did discuss this prior and it was totally a joint decision and was discussed extensively prior. I had a little wobble a few months ago and straight away he said he would sell up. We decided not to.
Actually your post has made me see I am quite lucky in comparison to others.
Have you tried to talk to him?

Thanks Ya. My dp at least gets home at a decent hour as he works here all day half the time. But he's not 'present' at all. On his phone when not in his study. Avoids the kids as they stress him out. This morning he is meant to have them so I can pop out if need be or have time off (I usually do housework). He locked himself in the sitting room and ignored them, yelled at them for nothing & my 8yo was upset so I took him out with me for an hour. He will do some jobs round the house, he puts 2 kids to bed but will be on phone not spending time talking to them, will give them a device rather than read a story. I yell too, don't get me wrong! 4 of them and the boys are all a handful. I didn't sign up to this. After 5 years it was meant to be my turn, to change career, get a degree. We already had ds1, I got PND, his business partner shafted him etc etc. it's never going to be my turn because I have to be there for the kids. I don't want to sleep with him anymore, much less talk to him. He just says what can I do, I have to work these hours to pay the mortgage etc. I've felt for years that we are not a couple I'm even considering taking the kids on holiday on my own this year. I sleep in the spare room most of the time, he stays up until midnight or later.

Can you afford any help? Looks like you have a lot on your plate.

I would be looking for a part time mothers help and domestic on the basis that I was acting like a single parent most days........

Looks like your do is taking you for granted. You need to have a serious chat with him.

Does he know how you feel?

No, can't afford help. His other businesses aren't making money right now. My salary is keeping us going while the new business starts to build up. It's only going to get worse as the business will mean more early mornings and nights away. I'm slowly checking out of the relationship. I was really excited about something at work I'm doing, he just ignored me so he could talk about the business. He's been very supportive in the past of my anxiety and loves the kids but I'm just so fed up. I told him I didn't love him anymore on Valentine's. Pretty awful of me. He's a good guy, but his work always seems to be no.1. I cried myself to sleep last night in the spare room just feeling so ignored.

I talked to him at Easter about how he could maybe take the kids to school another day a week as it's horribly stressful with two of the boys. I'm often in tears by the time I get to work, or at the other end. He said he was already working 80 hours a week. What could I say to that?

Does he need to work all those hours and run 3 businesses to pay the mortgage and bills?
If he does is that because you have exceptional high outgoings or are the businesses struggling?
Do you think a discussion about where things are now, what is working and what is not and what needs to change to get to where everyone is happy would help?

Sorry I x posted with you.
If you don't love him why are you with him?

I should not have posted what I did first as you are in a different situation completely- sorry.

We do have a big mortgage. 4 kids, yes the outgoings are high. It's a new field to his other businesses but one he's more passionate about. I go up to the study several nights a week to suggest he's goes to bed, or could something wait. He does what he wants. This is business number 8 I think, every time it's like this. I'm not consulted, he didn't even tell me his business partner is ill and could need months off to have a transplant. Now he says he will have to work early in the morning several times a week so I will have to get kids ready without help. It should be ok except two of the boys are very difficult to handle at times. He hasn't changed his approach in 15 years - he wants to do this and nothing will get in the way, he just works more to achieve it. I admire his determination but I don't actually want to live with him anymore.

What did he say when you told him you didn't love him?

We can't afford to split snd he's persuaded me to try, he says we are just having problems. Says my anxiety and panic means I'm not thinking that clearly and we should wait as things will change.

He was very upset and still is, but won't discuss it. He still tries to hold my hand and cuddle and calls me darling.

Would you want to be with him if things changed?

But if you don't want to be with him, can I ask what your plans are- if too personal sorry.

So hang on, your work is what is bringing home the bacon but you are constrained to only 20 hours a week to support three underproductive businesses of his? That doesn't make any economic sense.

I think you need to put it to him that bluntly and say you want him to wind up one of the businesses to enable you to increase your hours.

The thing is if there are problems, both need to want to and be committed to working through them.
Do you want to do this?
Does he?
If yes to all then have you talked through what needs to change and how it will?

I think I am a prize bitch really. He's worked his ass off for me and the kids to have s nice house etc, been supportive, tried to be a good father but he denies that he's a workaholic and that in fact it comes first and always has. Says me and the kids are more important but in all these years he's always glued to his phone. I have sacrificed so much to be there for the kids, I suspected ds1 had Aspergers years ago. I'm the one they turn to when they're upset of course. Perhaps I should seek counselling about my relationship? I feel very confused.

were you the poster who posted before about a dh who's business had never made a profit but he was too obsessed/dedicated to give up on it?

He hasn't tried to be a good father. Even just using today as an example, he was meant to watch the kids whilst you got on with housework and instead he locked himself in the sitting room and ignored them, yelled at them for nothing & my 8yo was upset so I took him out with me for an hour.

So worse than useless, in reality. Yelled at a kid with diagnosed anxiety?

You're mortgaged to the hilt so his businesses are not, in fact, paying for you to have a nice house, just creating the illusion of affluence.

Do you really want to carry on living like this, for years? A non-existence until you are too old and knackered to do anything, and then look back at it all with regret?

X posted, sorry. And sorry if I am drip feeding. I posted about what I've been really upset about, it's hard to see the big picture sometimes.

He's always going to be an entrepreneur and he's been very successful overall. Just problems started six months ago with 2 of the businesses and new one is going well but needs more time. I could work more hours, but they won't let me at present due to restructure and threatened redundancies. I'm trying to develop my skills to do some freelance writing but I'm usually exhausted after kids have gone to bed and I've done the chores. His total lack of interest/support doesn't help but he's exhausted too. I do see that, he's struggling too. He wants us to stay together, he really does. I don't even want to hold his hand but normal for women to feel like that if emotionally not there. Does that make sense? The more work he does, the more I need to step up. The kids need a lot of time, I can't leave them alone much or 11yo causes trouble.

No, uncertain, I don't. However, I fail to see that I would find anyone else to love me. I'm 45, 4 kids, anxious and panicky, frumpy and very overweight. Not much of a package. I don't know how I could afford to be a single parent. Or cope with it.

Tell him something has to give.

Can you afford the home without him?

You probably wouldn't notice the difference if he wasn't there.

It would be interesting to see how he managed contact with your children though.

He is not living life. He is living to work. Where does it end? It doesn't imo.

You have let him have his way for far too long and now you are all going to pay the price for his utterly selfish behaviour. Well that's if you ask him to leave.

If he left would he not be happier, working all day, every day. Would he even notice you were all gone?

Tribpot, he's s good businessman. I trust in his abilities. We are having s financial dip right now though. Not for lack of trying in his part. He can't seem to cope with their emotions. He's having panic attacks himself but won't even see the gp. He hasn't got a clue how to calm himself much less 8yo! He is not doing s great job as dad now, but I was a pretty crap mother when my panic attacks started 5 years ago. I did seek help though.

I tend to maintain that anyone who gets to their mid forties without any kind of MH problem hasn't been paying attention to life!
Seriously, my 50 year old female friend thought like you until she recently started dating; she thought nobody would want her, that she was fat, frumpy, unattractive. She's having loads of dates now. She's only just come out of a crappy relationship. Don't waste your life on someone who is self obsessed and doesn't appreciate you.

I really expected for someone to say 'just suck it up, he's doing his best & working 80 hours a week'!