Anyone else with a workaholic partner? I'm struggling

[accessorizequeen]

Been with my dp for 15 years. He set up his first business in the first year of us meeting, and it feels like his businesses dominate our lives.

Background: We have 4 dc - 11, 8, 6, 6 so there were several years when we had very small dc & struggled to cope with it. 11yo ds has Aspergers, 8yo ds has anxiety & behaviour is very bad at times, 6yo ds diagnosed with hearing issues & still suspect Aspergers for him too. It gets very chaotic. I work about 20 hours a week in a job that's fairly stressful because it needs to be full-time & redundancy has been threatened in recent months. I'm on ADs to manage anxiety for the last 5 years.

For the last year, Dp has been building up a new company, he's working from home a lot & has 2 other businesses he manages too. He works about an 80hr week, and has done that for 4 months maybe. He is clearly struggling working that much, but I'm finding it impossible to just not resent the hell out of him. All of the kids-related stuff falls to me, I do school pick ups & drop offs 4 days a week, all the cleaning, washing, admin, most of the cooking & the rest of it. I would expect to be doing more/most as I have a day off a week. What I resent is that everything seems to revolve around his business. He talks endlessly all day and all night about it. He will come to me at 11pm and expect my attention for some detail that I don't understand anyway. I come in late on a Tuesday when he picks them up, he didn't make me any dinner, then wants to talk about business even though the kids haven't seen me, I haven't eaten, worked all day myself. I'm developing myself at work, and trying to create a new career but anytime I try to talk about it, I get talked over. 15 years of it all being about the new company, 24/7. I just feel so angry.

Uncertain, that's a great approach I can't imagine anyone else finding me attractive. I don't. Nor sure dp does but then I don't give much back. I have thought I was being the selfish one. I've been able to work part time all these years because he works so much. We live in a huge lovely house, nice area etc. I've felt awful because I'm denying him sex and affection, I've felt very confused for a few years about sexuality etc. he's very affectionate, had said he loved me all the time before I said I didn't. It's just that lots of other stuff doesn't ring true. I started feeling that I just couldn't love a man. Something wrong with me.

I'm feeling really emotional now and tbh questioning everything s out the last 15 years. Have never felt we were a great match, but met at a vulnerable time for me as my parents split up suddenly and I'd just quit my job. Have never felt that I lived to his expectations as a girlfriend. He doesn't like it when I question or challenge him, I don't seem to respond to things the way he thinks I should. I don't know anything now.
He would notice we were gone. He said he'd want 2 of the kids to live with him if we split. I would never want to split them up. But he doesn't see that.

You are not wrong or a prize bitch, relationships end all the time, if you are not happy your not.
You can equally tun it around and say you have been working hard to meet your children's needs and keep the home and your lives running.

Are you confused about your sexuality?
I think there used to be a thread in relationships for people confused around their sexuality. I will go and have a hunt.

Had a quick scoot about and cant see it.
You spoke about counselling up thread, is that an option?

Thank you Ya. I meant...erm..I have become very interested in bdsm. I joined Fetlife but when a guy messaged me I panicked. I don't want to cheat. Just not to feel like a freak.

I can't think who asked but I haven't posted before about dp & business.

Blimey, I didn't see that coming!

Sorry I went off on the wrong track

What do you think you will do next about things?

I don't seem to respond to things the way he thinks I should

In other words, the way that's easiest for him. That's due to you being a whole person in your own right with your own thoughts and way of responding.

I've been able to work part time all these years because he works so much.

How on earth would you have worked full-time when he is working every hour god sends but doesn't pull in enough to support a nanny or home help? Your working part-time was not a luxury but a necessity brought on by his choices, which he has made without consulting you.

Er, feel a bit now!
Trib, I really haven't seen it that way. My mum said something similar the other day about his idea of love, I guess I've put myself down for it over all this time. My self-esteem has been really rubbish for years but I had 4 dc in 5 years and 2 lots of PND, I've never thought about it being affected by what is essentially a complete mis-match in terms of approach to a lot of things.

I haven't wanted to work full time. Still don't, wanted to be around for the kids. But he's out pressure on me to earn more, and pushed me to do work for his businesses but I've resisted. Ds1 starts secondary in September & may need extra support then. Dp has earned a lot at times, we had a cleaner until we moved house & business went downhill the same year. I don't think it's necessarily his problem to earn enough so that I can have a nanny! The twins weren't planned. I had a part time nanny when they were babies but dad paid.

I would like to see a relationship counsellor, I've seen a personal one and a psychologist over the last couple of years.

So that he can have a nanny you mean. Since childcare is just as much his responsibility as it is yours.

Hope you don't feel embarrassed about the BDSM and me getting it wrong, no need to be at all.

Do you want to go to a relationship counsellor on your own or with your husband?

Thanks, Ya. I feel a bit embarrassed, it's really nothing to do with this. It's just another thing that's changed about me since we've been together. I don't want to do counselling with him, we've done it twice already. There is nothing to say that hasn't been said in 15 years! Yesterday I put Paddington on and watched it with the kids after dinner. It was lovely snuggled up with them. He'd never want to do that, but of course was working. He has today so far ironed school stuff, made breakfast for the kids & worked on the patio (I took all the dc to the park, another thing he actively avoids). He's not lazy by any means, I just feel really as though I may as well be on my own, it is all separate if that makes sense. My bf works for the CAB, I'm going to ask her for some advice re: money. I don't see how I could manage this huge house on my income. It's 6 bedrooms! I could get a lodger, but the bills are huge too. Selling it and upending the family would be the most disruptive thing. Esp for my 11yo aspie.

OP, is there a possibility your husband is also on the spectrum? I understand there is thought to be a genetic link, and these two statements struck me:
"He can't seem to cope with their emotions"
"I don't seem to respond to things the way he thinks I should"

If you don't love your H and you want to leave, don't for goodness sake be put off thinking "nobody else will want me". There's literally millions of single men out there and plenty of them are happy with ladies of any size. I'm a size 24 but still get plenty of contacts on dating sites :)

Yes you would almost certainly have to move and downsize, but you would get tax credits, child benefit and possibly housing benefit as a lone parent. If your eldest's Aspergers is severe you could also possibly claim carer's allowance? CAB would be able to help you further with what benefits you could claim.

I'm not jumping on any LTB bandwagon here but if you've been through counselling twice and nothing has changed, I think you've given it more than enough effort on your side. Your H isn't a bastard - he's just completely focussed on work, and that's not right when you've got a family to take care of.

Your life sounds like a complete nightmare OP, very, VERY stressful, it's no wonder you are struggling. I would also be very resentful of my DH. In the end, it's family that is important, and he certainly is a workaholic.he may be "doing it" for the kids, but he is also,very much doing it for himself. If I were you, I would seriously consider downsizing, streamlining, and going it alone. I think you may find its even easier going it alone. It really sounds like too much. I can't believe you're working 20 hrs a week aswell!

Pocket: thank you. Your comments have certainly given me food for thought. I have considered that I might be in the spectrum, not Dp. I think he's just not as attuned to the kids as I am. I have spent many years reading parenting and development books, I lie awake worrying about my boys whereas he worries about work! I'm hoping to have a drink with my bf really soon and get her expert CAB opinion. At present, we can't afford to run 2 houses so I just can't leave now. In the last few days I just feel so torn every time he does something nice for the dc, or there is a family moment. I'd be killing all of that. But I look in the future and even the idea of having a weekend away with him fills me with dread. He only talks about work.

Thanks as well, chocolate. I veer between thinking that I should just work harder, cope better etc. and thinking that it's just all too much. I haven't mentioned that my eldest son soils daily, and the other boys do periodically too. Clearly a genetic issues that no-one can explain, possibly stress plays a part for them. It's made ds1's life even harder of course. On Sunday morning, my 8yo got very distressed (he's been having the panic attacks) and said he wanted to kill himself. His reason was very very strange, and it was hard to get to the bottom of it. Dp took him out yesterday on his own for hours, and they both came home very cheery. But I think ds2 needs help. I can't imagine doing it all on my own, but I carry s lot of the weight of it now. Very concerned that change will really upset the boys, and permanently affect them. Whereas I can cope for a few more years until they're more stable.