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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son refuses to see my ex husband

39 replies

beccaholly · 10/04/2015 14:52

My 12 year old son won't see his father since he had an affair 18 months ago. We are now divorced and he has seen him a couple of times but has been very upset afterwards. I am now conscious that he is becoming a teenager, will I be able to give him everything he needs to be happy and grow into a great man or do I force him to spend time with his father?
My son is just very angry with him for breaking up the simple family life he enjoyed before. He had no idea that anything was wrong between us and so it came as a huge shock to both of us to discover that my ex had been seeing someone else. I have tried to make everything seem as positive as possible and come up with ideas of things he could do with his father but he just shuts down. It was all made worse by the fact that 2 weeks ago my ex emailed to say that he had recently remarried and would I let our son know. He feels rejected by him as he only found out after the event. At the moment he needs time to heal but I'm not sure how to give that a positive outcome.

OP posts:

Hissy · 10/04/2015 15:32

You talk to your DS and that is that, for him to express his feelings about everything and you tell him that ALL his feelings are valid and that you respect his wishes.

DON'T get involved in the telling him about the remarriage, that is between his dad and him.. Your son has a right to space and to talk when he wants to. He has a right to be angry.

Your ExH is responsible for the relationship with his son, YOU are responsible for YOUR relationship with your son.

overmydeadbody · 10/04/2015 15:37

I agree with ~Hissy.

Your DS is old enough to decide to see his dad or not. He oesn't need to spend time with his father to become a great man, it's not like your ex is a great role model is he?

Talk to your DS, let him talk to you, respect his feelings. It's up to his dad to build a relationship with him, not your responsibility.

FWIW my Ds is 12 and recently decided to stop contacting his dad and stop wondering when his dad will see him or if he will remember a birthday or christmas, after years of being let down by his dad. He says he doesnt' want to ever see him again. I resepct that decision and have told him that if he changes his mind when he is older he can.

fluffybunnies246 · 10/04/2015 15:56

As above. I would be devastated at that age if a parent got remarried without telling me, or inviting me. beccaholly it sounds like you are doing a great job in being positive about the situation/your ex and all you can do is continue with that if your son ever brings him up for discussion. All you can do is be there for him and respect his wishes.

mistymeanour · 10/04/2015 16:04

Your ex has behaved disgracefully towards your son - heartless and cruel, no wonder he does not want to see him. I agree with the others, all your son's feelings are valid. Most schools now have counsellors on site or who visit weekly if your son would like to discuss things with someone outside the family.

TheCowThatLaughs · 10/04/2015 16:11

It doesn't sound like your ex is the kind of man who would be able to influence his son to grow up into a great man anyway. I can't imagine my ex getting remarried without his son there and only telling him after the event. It just wouldn't happen.

pocketsaviour · 10/04/2015 16:14

You can give your son everything he needs, however if there is another positive male role model in his life, it will be beneficial for him too.

Do you have brothers? Does he have a good connection with your dad? You don't have to make a big obvious thing of saying "Hey why don't you go and have a manly bonding session with Uncle Dave" but just being around them and subconsciously observing the way they act and interact with others will help shape his ideas about what it means to be a man.

My husband died when my son was 13. It has been a real struggle tbh although there are a lot of other factors which have impacted him (primarily abuse from his birth mother) and really he has only had me as a guide for a long time. There have definitely been times when I've wished "Damn I wish he had a father figure to talk to about this stuff" - mainly when he's "fallen in love" with a girl and had his heart broken! So if there is a strong male figure in your son's life, it will be to the good - but don't feel that you're not enough if there isn't.

Original poster

beccaholly · 10/04/2015 17:04

Thank you all so much for your advice. It is so good to hear that other people reacted to the situation in the same way as I have. If you read books they all say that you should always keep the relationship going and that you should take your own emotions out of it but I feel that my ex has behaved in a way that I don't want my son to learn from.
This is the first time I have ever posted anything on here (I know there are still a few of us Mums Net virgins!) and I really can't thank everyone enough for your support. x

OP posts:

Hissy · 10/04/2015 20:15

Keeping a relationship going is not your responsibility.

Your exh was good enough at "relationships" to manage more than one at the same time, then he's well versed in schmoozing and being charming when he can get something out of it...

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 20:22

I would respect your son's wishes

sounds like he has his head screwed on to me...

Lweji · 10/04/2015 20:27

I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt (the affair was a betrayal in relation to you, not him) until I read that he married and emailed you for you to tell his own son about it.

I'd simply wash my hands off it and tell him to contact the boy himself and deal with it.
Then be there for your son.

What can be asked of you is not to damage the relationship between them and to let it happen, not to do the work to keep it.
Let your ex do the leg work.

Treemuskears · 12/04/2015 00:01

My son didn't want to see his mum after we split up. He was 9.

I never allowed him to stop seeing his mum, although he wanted to.

Tough crap, too young to make the choice.

loveareadingthanks · 12/04/2015 22:35

Who the fuck told a 10 year old that his parents marriage failed because his Dad had an affair?

Tobyjugg · 12/04/2015 22:47

What should they have told them?

AnyFucker · 12/04/2015 23:27

I would tell a 10yo the true reason for a marriage ending. Why not ?

Lweji · 12/04/2015 23:35

I told my 6 year old the reason I had to leave his dad.

Also, 10 year olds are not stupid and would put 2+2 together when dad showed up with the new woman.

lordStrange · 13/04/2015 00:08

Erm, I told my ten yr old the reason his dad left. It was the correct thing to do. (My 4 yr old had no clue, I made stuff up).

Hissy · 13/04/2015 06:58

Lie to a 10yo and watch what happens when he hits teens AND finds out that his dad betrayed him and then so did his mother by lying to him.

Age appropriate truth. Every single time.

loveareadingthanks · 13/04/2015 07:30

Wow. Just me then, I think it's really inappropriate. It doesn't mean you have to lie, you just don't go into detail. 'Mum and Dad aren't going to be together any more' isn't as lie. It's better to tell them and destroy their relationship with that parent, as in this case? What's happened between the parents shouldn't be dragged into the children's relationships with their parents, unless it's something that puts child in danger (violence etc).

Joysmum · 13/04/2015 07:46

*Lie to a 10yo and watch what happens when he hits teens AND finds out that his dad betrayed him and then so did his mother by lying to him.

Age appropriate truth. Every single time*

Extremely well said.

Hissy · 13/04/2015 07:55

mum and dad aren't going to be together anymore.

Leave it there? With a 10yo? Good luck with that

"Why?"

I had to explain to a just 5yo why his dad left. Well actually my 5yo explained it to me "is daddy leaving because he shouted at you a lot"

He didn't know the term abusive. Not then.

Let's focus on WHO destroys things here? The one who chose to cheat. The one that stays needs to be honest, age appropriate truthful and part of a team.

The decent thing to do here would be the father sit his son down and explain what he's done to the family, and how he'll work hard and relentlessly to show the son how much he lOves him and will always be there for him. as long as his "wife" lets him #bitter

Penfold007 · 13/04/2015 08:09

Hissy has given you some good advice, you were also right to tell your son the simple age appropriate truth. Your son's father needs to deal with his relationship with him. Your son might benefit from some counselling.

Twinklestein · 13/04/2015 08:25

So it's better to withhold the truth from a 10 year old and let them blame themselves for the end of the marriage?

Anyway you can't bullshit a bright 10 year old.

Twinklestein · 13/04/2015 08:30

OP, I would just give your son time and space to process everything.

An old friend's mum got remarried without telling her when she was a teen, and it still rankles even now. It's such a stupid, thoughtless thing to do.

It's up to your husband to try to make amends and rebuild the relationship with his son. There's nothing you can do about, even if you tried.

Isetan · 13/04/2015 09:36

Maintaining the relationship between your son and his waste of space dad isn't your responsibility. You or your son can't make his dad behave responsibly, that's his choice but your son is entitled to be unhappy with his dad's behaviour. He obviously needs time to work out if and how, he includes his dad in his life and you will of great support to him. If his struggles continue and/ or manifest in unhealthy ways, speak to his school or a child psychologist.

I've had to recently explain to to DD (8) that parenting (the job part of being a mum and dad) requires lots of different skills and that ordinarily for such an important job, it would require lots of training and the passing of exams. Unfortunately, dad is one of those people who in my opinion, isn't very good at the parenting part of being a dad.

I hope when she's older DD will assert herself by implementing boundaries to protect herself, not only from her dads selfishness but anyone whose behaviour undermines her self worth.

Your son is his own person and he's bloody fortunate to have such a caring role model as his mum.

Meerka · 13/04/2015 15:14

agreed with everyone else, your son's father is an arsehole of the first order.

he can take responsibility for his own bloody cruelty in getting married without telling his son. What do you think are the chances that he will be less and less involved in your son's life in the future, given that he remarried without telling him :/

I would respect your son's views. He is 12, he has very good reason to be angry and upset and I don't think you should force contact here. And definitely not cover your heartless ex's arse.

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