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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My son refuses to see my ex husband

39 replies

beccaholly · 10/04/2015 14:52

My 12 year old son won't see his father since he had an affair 18 months ago. We are now divorced and he has seen him a couple of times but has been very upset afterwards. I am now conscious that he is becoming a teenager, will I be able to give him everything he needs to be happy and grow into a great man or do I force him to spend time with his father?
My son is just very angry with him for breaking up the simple family life he enjoyed before. He had no idea that anything was wrong between us and so it came as a huge shock to both of us to discover that my ex had been seeing someone else. I have tried to make everything seem as positive as possible and come up with ideas of things he could do with his father but he just shuts down. It was all made worse by the fact that 2 weeks ago my ex emailed to say that he had recently remarried and would I let our son know. He feels rejected by him as he only found out after the event. At the moment he needs time to heal but I'm not sure how to give that a positive outcome.

OP posts:
Trooperslane · 13/04/2015 15:18

It astounds me that people act like total pieces of shit to their kids and expect the resident parent to step up and do their dirty work.

This thread - the deceased dgf thread earlier - your ds is smart and knows he's better off op.

You sound like you are doing a good job and the only person - the ONLY person - who's missing out here is his father.

Thanks For you and your ds and good riddance x

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/04/2015 15:26

do not attempt to cover his sorry arse.
sent you an email telling YOU to let the son know that he had remarried?
Just wtf!
I am with your son on this one.

ArseForElbow · 13/04/2015 15:31

My DS is 14 and also refuses to see his Dad, it's his choice. My xh is taking us to court.

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/04/2015 15:34

he is taking you to court for 'access' is he arseforelbow?

ArseForElbow · 13/04/2015 15:42

Apparently for access yes. Hmm

SunnyBaudelaire · 13/04/2015 15:43

oh well I wish him good luck with that.
And all best wishes to your son....

lunar1 · 13/04/2015 15:44

My dad remarried without telling me. We are still no contact 22 years later.

Age appropriate truth every time. There is no justification for basing a child's reality on lies.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 15:45

i would respect it too. tell your ex that your son doesn't feel he is ready to see him yet

ArseForElbow · 13/04/2015 15:50

Thank you Sunny Smile

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 13/04/2015 15:50

My parents split because of my dads infidelity and I hated him, was furious and felt betrayed. I became very protective of my mother and took pleasure in rejecting my dad to try to hurt him back on her behalf. I don't blame my mum for this but she didn't hold back about what happened and how it made her feel. I absorbed and internalised her anger and pain. Secretly I felt I needed her permission to forgive my dad and to love him again.
I'm not detracting from your experience and it does sound like your ex is very selfish but now as a parent if my DP cheated or left I would try very hard to fake a friendship/ keep a united front going and I would make it clear to my kids that it is better for them to forgive their father if they can.if only because that kind of anger is draining .

BarbarianMum · 13/04/2015 15:56

It would be better for your ds if he could (eventually) make peace with his father and have some sort of relationship with him. Is it your job to make that happen? No. But be wary of letting him feel that his loyalty to you means he can't see his dad.

Lweji · 13/04/2015 16:01

I agree with theyoniwayisnorthwards in that whereas it's not your job to maintain a relationship between them, it is in your son's interests that you give him "permission" to love his dad. His betrayal was of you, and everyone has a right to leave a marriage that doesn't work for them. Apart from that, it's entirely up to your ex.

Meerka · 13/04/2015 19:04

Yoni from the sound of it your mother took a highly emotional approach to speaking about the reasons for the divorce, which is what caused the (unfair) difficult pressure on you. I think that an emotionally-neutral approach supporting beccy's son will allow him to take the right approach for -him-. Though god, that is hard for beccy :(

CheeseandGherkins · 13/04/2015 19:11

"It's better to tell them and destroy their relationship with that parent"

Pretty sure the "father" did that himself. Telling the truth to a 10 year old isn't doing anything of the sort. Why should she lie?

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