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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle this situation?

47 replies

pinningwobble · 10/04/2015 14:39

Sorry for long post but don't want to drip feed.

B and SIL had their first baby (boy) at the beginning of March. Right from 6 months into her pregnancy SIL said they didn't want any visitors at all (including both sets of grandparents) for 2 weeks after the birth. Fair enough, I thought privately that was a little bizarre but I come from an enormous family so I figured it was just my upbringing speaking. And obviously they wanted to get settled in, etc etc. Fine, no problem. Fast forward to now and they still have not allowed any visitors. DP got annoyed with this as he likes to plan our weekends and they still hadn't let us know what weekend they wanted us to come. So he calls his brother and his brother suggested a weekend mid-May. We'd wanted to come at the same time as MIL (FIL passed away a few years ago) so we could all see him together and see her at the same time, but SIL and BIL say they want people to have 'one on one time' with baby. MIL is upset with this as she wanted to see us all together. DP is furious with his brother.

I am sort of piggy in the middle here as it's totally their prerogative to allow visitors as and when they want but at the same time it is a bit like...well...you can't expect people to suddenly drop plans when convenient for you. I know when everyone turns up after the birth it's overwhelming for some women and it gets a bit pass the parcel with the baby, so of course they don't want everyone turning up at once. But I don't think MIL, me and DP are much of a crowd (all v quiet, non demanding people). DP wants to say something to his brother. I'm not sure if he should or not. What do others think?

To add: we all live near enough so that we could easily just drop in for 45 mins/an hour - this would not be an overnight house guest situation. I doubt we would even need feeding.

To clarify: I am not trying to have a debate about whether or not they should have allowed visitors sooner, my question is whether it is reasonable for us to ask to go at the same time as MIL.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/04/2015 14:45

They don't have to invite anyone they don't want to do they? That's not to say they aren't being weird and precious but what choice do you have?

SolidGoldBrass · 10/04/2015 14:47

Are you close to them generally? Do you like them, and do they like you, and are they in the habit of confiding in you?

It occurs to me that there might be something wrong - either the baby is unwell or the SIL had a traumatic birth and is still not feeling very good. If they are private, reticent people they may not want to spread this news round the family.

Also, I think your DP should get over himself. Being 'furious' is not going to help and, if BIL and SIL are already struggling a bit, it's only going to add to their distress. THe sensible, kind thing to do would be for you, DP and MIL to travel to the area and take turns: there must be a reasonable cafe or pub nearby where the three of you could have lunch together so you all get some shared time, without pressurising the new parents.

Because it is rude and bullying to insist that you visit someone when it suits you despite them having expressed a wish for a different arrangment. It's their home and their baby, so they get to set the rules.

mommyof23kids · 10/04/2015 14:47

How odd. Aren't they dying to show off their baby? Or even just get the chance to talk to people about their baby? I'd lower my expectations for this couple. They seem thoroughly strange.

Original poster
pinningwobble · 10/04/2015 14:54

solidgold I'm not suggesting we should impose on them, but arrangements do work both ways - it has to be convenient for both parties, baby or no baby! That's how arrangements work right? 'Can you do this day?' 'No, unfortunately not, but how about this?' 'Oh yes, that works too.'. Is that not normal?!

TBH I can see my DP's POV as honestly I would be livid if it was one of my siblings denying my mum the chance to come and see her grandchild (but my siblings and I and my mum are all really really close). MIL has a good, fairly close relationship with both sons - she's a nice woman and she's a great grandma.

Birth was fine (well, as fine as birth ever is) and nothing wrong with baby. Pics all over facebook, so they aren't hiding him away!

Yes, generally we get on very well, no issues there that I was aware of.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinningwobble · 10/04/2015 14:56

mommy well yes, that was my first instinct too but I sort of sat on it as it wasn't my business.

I have had babies around since I was tiny (eldest of 6) and I was used to this lovely, buzzy atmosphere when a new one came along. Still I recognise that that was just my experience and others are different!

OP posts:
lemonyone · 10/04/2015 14:58

Oh blimey, that is really precious of them! Poor MIL.

I would just stay out of it entirely. It's for your DH, MIL and his SIL and DB (wow, acronym city!) to figure out.

Original poster
pinningwobble · 10/04/2015 15:05

thank you lemony, I think that's what I'll have to do!

mind you having said that, I spoke to my grandmother (brazilian farmer) recently and told her about this in passing and she said 'What? I was outside milking cows the day after your father was born. I gave him to one of my sisters to look after!'

It is partly a cultural thing I think, we are not so family orientated in the UK as other places which I am getting used to. In Brazil babies are born into big families and raised by them. BIL and SIL are a slightly extreme example though.

OP posts:
lemonyone · 10/04/2015 15:12

Definitely your MIL and SIL are at an extreme end! I've never heard of anyone doing that IRL. I can kind of understand limiting visitors, but to act as though the baby was the crown jewels and you are all desperately queueing up to get your turn to come and worship seems a little daft.

FWIW - I liked having a tumble of people coming in an baby-admiring. I'm from a big family too though. But…being from a big family and all the strange foibles of all of us, i am starting to realise I should just butt out from problems on my Dhs side of the family. My two-cents never seems to actually help matters as its often slightly out of step with what their family dynamic actually is (and vice versa)
Listen to your DH, but he needs to come up with a solution and not drag you down into the pit of family feuds!

mommyof23kids · 10/04/2015 15:13

There is so much joy to be had in watching people delight in your child. I feel a bit sorry for them as this whole bonding alone with the baby trend has the potential to steal other experiences from parents.

Quitelikely · 10/04/2015 15:18

Tbh they are being very precious and ridiculous.

I would text and say 'hope you're all ok. Give us a shout when you want us to visit the baby'

Then I would well and truly forget about them.

Re your mil, I'm sorry but if you want to see her that much why not visit her in her own home or invite her to yours?

Other than that tell your dh to let it all go. It's a waste of emotional energy. Honest.

Smile
SolidGoldBrass · 10/04/2015 21:39

It's still their baby, their marriage, their home and their rules. If you and your H want to see your MIL, arrange to see her. WRT BIL and SIL, wait for an invite rather than inviting yourselves.

GatoradeMeBitch · 10/04/2015 22:04

I agree with Quitelikely.

mynewpassion · 10/04/2015 22:22

She doesn't want to see many people at the same time. MiL can see the baby herself. You and your DH another day. Then you can see MIL separately.

Is this really hard?

Ratfinkandbobo · 10/04/2015 22:33

Yes Quite likely! Loved people visiting and admiring my babies!
I find it odd, but each to their own.
Does sil not like mil or find her a busy body? Is she not keen on your dp?

tribpot · 10/04/2015 22:33

Why on earth can't your DH just respect his brother's slightly odd wish? Is it really the end of the world if your MIL goes to see the baby and then meets up with you afterwards on the same day? And then you go and see the baby another day?

It may be rather inconvenient for you but that's what they've asked for.

Flywheel · 10/04/2015 22:35

They are being ridiculously precious, but I think you have to just roll your eyes and leave them to it. If this is what they are like, I imagine there will be plenty more antics over the years. But it is their choice. Leave them to it.

Original poster
pinningwobble · 10/04/2015 23:21

Trib my DH is furious because he feels they are not treating his mum well. She lost my FIL in very traumatic circumstances and family is very important to her. As it is she is having to wait over 2 months to meet her grandchild when others have been allowed to see him before. Of course DP and I will go and see her separately, my issue is that I think it's inflexible of them to not allow us to come on the same day so she can have all her family together. I'm not saying we will do anything about it as at the end of the day it's up to them, but I don't think DP is unreasonable in feeling upset on her behalf.

OP posts:
Graceymac · 10/04/2015 23:36

They do sound very odd but you just need to accept it. It's a shame as it should be a happy time that brings family together. Are they overwhelmed by parenthood? Is there any chance your SIL might have PND? Have your SIL's family visited yet? I wouldn't be too pushed to go out of my way to visit given their response. Go when it suits your schedule.

springydaffs · 10/04/2015 23:58

First baby?

Well, it wwould be funny as it's truly absurd but making MIL wait 2 months is just cruel and petty. What a royal pita they are.

If they don't want you visiting together OK then even though it's mad but making MIL wait months when she's so recently bereaved is not only insufferable but truly horrible.

Pfft

springydaffs · 11/04/2015 00:01

Unless SIL has PND. Now that would change everything...

AnyFucker · 11/04/2015 00:02

Is everything okay with the baby ?

springydaffs · 11/04/2015 00:16

Op has already said the baby is fine, AF. Lots of pics on FB.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2015 00:34

of

everything ok with mum ? (and I wouldn't take FB's word on that)

AnyFucker · 11/04/2015 00:34

ok *

SolidGoldBrass · 11/04/2015 01:28

Well maybe the MIL is either a whining martyr or one of those incredibly overbearing 'nice' types and the SIL just can't cope with her at the moment. Maybe MIL is nice to the OP but full of subtle digs to the SIL. Whatever their reasons, OP and DP still need to suck it up. THis situation is not about them.

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