How do I handle this situation?

[pinningwobble]

Sorry for long post but don't want to drip feed.

B and SIL had their first baby (boy) at the beginning of March. Right from 6 months into her pregnancy SIL said they didn't want any visitors at all (including both sets of grandparents) for 2 weeks after the birth. Fair enough, I thought privately that was a little bizarre but I come from an enormous family so I figured it was just my upbringing speaking. And obviously they wanted to get settled in, etc etc. Fine, no problem. Fast forward to now and they still have not allowed any visitors. DP got annoyed with this as he likes to plan our weekends and they still hadn't let us know what weekend they wanted us to come. So he calls his brother and his brother suggested a weekend mid-May. We'd wanted to come at the same time as MIL (FIL passed away a few years ago) so we could all see him together and see her at the same time, but SIL and BIL say they want people to have 'one on one time' with baby. MIL is upset with this as she wanted to see us all together. DP is furious with his brother.

I am sort of piggy in the middle here as it's totally their prerogative to allow visitors as and when they want but at the same time it is a bit like...well...you can't expect people to suddenly drop plans when convenient for you. I know when everyone turns up after the birth it's overwhelming for some women and it gets a bit pass the parcel with the baby, so of course they don't want everyone turning up at once. But I don't think MIL, me and DP are much of a crowd (all v quiet, non demanding people). DP wants to say something to his brother. I'm not sure if he should or not. What do others think?

To add: we all live near enough so that we could easily just drop in for 45 mins/an hour - this would not be an overnight house guest situation. I doubt we would even need feeding.

To clarify: I am not trying to have a debate about whether or not they should have allowed visitors sooner, my question is whether it is reasonable for us to ask to go at the same time as MIL.

Obviously I couldn't say with 100 per cent certainty she doesn't have PND but I don't believe she does. I used to be a midwife so I can pick up on these things fairly well.

MIL is not a whiny martyr, that is a horrible thing to say and that has really upset me. It was very cruel and very unnecessary. MIL is a gentle, quiet woman who adores her sons and wants to meet her grandchild.

I hate to break it to you but just because someone has had a baby doesn't make it all about them either. Of course they are going through something massive but that doesn't give them the right to treat MIL badly (whether they are aware of it or not). Christ almighty, my mum had six of us and had terrible PND with me and my sister, it's not like I'm not sympathetic to that.

Oh, and I suffer from quite bad depression and often want to hide away from everything. So if that is the issue I sympathise. But I don't think it is.

She may have pnd or baby blues. Birth hormones can be a bitch - let it go

Xpost.

Genuine question - how would you know if she had and if you haven't seen her?

*pnd, not and

It sounds shockingly cruel to deny a grandmother access to her new grandchild for 2 months.
SIL & BIL are either convinced there pfb is so amazingly special he is the new messiah, or just not nice people.

But the plan not to see anyone was made before the baby was born...

Other people have already seen the baby ?

Oh, and I've had pnd myself. Never made me act like that.

They sound a bit bonkers but I would just go along with it.
People are at their controlling worst with a new baby. It will get better once the baby is a 'real person' with a mind of their own.

As it is she is having to wait over 2 months to meet her grandchild when others have been allowed to see him before.

I can't see anything in your earlier posts that points to an influx of visitors already - in fact your first post said Fast forward to now and they still have not allowed any visitors.

So what actually is it that your DP is upset about? That his mum is having to wait an excessive amount of time to meet her grandchild? The fact you can't all go and meet him/her on the same day? Or the fact mysterious 'others' (presumably SIL's own mother) will be granted an audience first?

I'm assuming you and your DP must have children since the MIL is already a great grandma (I don't mean a great-grandmother I mean she is great at being a grandma)?

Oh, and I've had pnd myself. Never made me act like that.

So it can't be PND, because it affected you differently?

And I didn't realise the OP said MiL was being denied for that long, just they were? When are they arranging for MiL to go?

I think staggering the visits is fine if you are feeling overwhelmed. It is all a little weird, but that is up to them. I'm afraid it is all about them and what they feel is appropriate at the moment, hopefully they will relax. It is a shame, because awww baby, but maybe being nice and easy people for them to arrange with will make them more likely to invite you again. If you kick up a fuss I know I would be reluctant to make too many plans with you.

It just does upset everybody when people do mad things.

Could it be she has had traumatic birth and still trying to bond and sort the breastfeeding out??

How cruel and bizarre that your MIL has still not been allowed to see her own grandchild after so many weeks.

Some people need to get over themselves and stop acting like theirs is the first baby born in the world ever.

You'll have to go along with it - what is the alternative? Not like you can all turn up together and expect it to go down well. Just let them dictate it for now, they'll relax later on when the reality of life takes over and they want MIL to babysit etc.

Has her family seen the baby yet?

They sound a bit strange and PFB to me.

they want people to have one-on-one time with the baby

I mean, do they genuinely think a baby is going to give a shit wether there are 3 people there or one person? Crikey. I couldn't be arsed to indulge them myself and would probably rock up to see them in about 6 months when they'll realise that people love newborns but older babies, not so much.

I'm also from a huge family and love showing off my babies. I detest my MIL but she's been here within 12 hours of the birth of all my children to meet them. I just can't imagine sitting on a throne for 2 months telling people they couldn't meet my baby. Do they leave the house at all? Surely all kinds of random neighbours and friends have already seen their baby in the supermarket etc.

I'm sorry - I think you are being unreasonable - I felt dreadful after birth - I had an awful c-section and bled phenomenally heavily, I was very, very sore, sat on many maternity pads plus towels on the sofa and flooding everytime I moved, whilst trying to breast feed and felt so, so miserable. I couldn't face anyone and refused MIL, my parents and any friends to come around, I couldn't face them seeing me in that state, greasy hair, not able to walk properly and blood covered clothes most of the time (I cannot describe how much blood there was - I ended up having to get taken back for transfusions etc) I needed time to heal and to shut down and deal with all the trauma and consequences of what had happened and the emotional trauma of accepting that it was very unlikely I could carry another child and have the large family we had planned on (I ended up having to have an emergency total hysterectomy in the end a few months later). I did not let DH tell anyone what was going on - I did not want to discuss my body, my reproductive organs and my emotional damage with anyone. I could only deal with DH and the midwife. He did send photos of DD to his family, that was fine, but he did not discuss with them what had happened to me. He just said we were not ready for visitors and that was it. I did NOT want MIL to know about my private issues - she was not my family, she gossips like no tomorrow and to be frank it was none of her damned business. At the end of the day I was DD's Mum and I needed to be left alone to heal and DH and the midwife got that and he pulled up the drawbridge and protected me and his Mum just had to deal with it. I think he was so scared of having nearly lost me that he would have agreed to anything, but nobody else was told what had happened because however illogical it was to other people, I did not want anyone to know. It took me about two months to be able to see people again and it had to be very gradual and with me having control of when and how long etc. I didn't have PND either, I was just very damaged both physically and emotionally and needed to shut down for a while. My point is - you don't know what is going on, you don't know what happened and you don't know how she feels. Stop assuming that because you haven't been told there is a problem that there isn't one. There may be one but it is not one they are choosing to share with you for whatever reason and you need to leave them be and respect their boundaries and their decisions. Can you imagine the effect if DH's brother would have decided to "have a go" at us and express his anger? I doubt we would have had any relationship with them from that point onwards....

Wanda, it sounds like you had a truly horrific time and I'm so sorry to hear it. Must have been AWFUL.

I admit I don't get you not wanting ppl to know but that was your choice at the time - you were battling to stay alive! I hope you're not offended if I ask: if/when dd has a baby would you be ok if she chose to block you for 2 months with no explanation?

As it is she is having to wait over 2 months to meet her grandchild when others have been allowed to see him before.

I would have been beyond hurt if my DC had treated me as the MiL has been treated in this situation.

Unless she is the MiL from Hell (which hasn't been stated) this is cruel.

Springydaffs - the difference if it had been my Mum - I could have dealt with seeing her - she has seen me when I was ill many times and I could have sobbed on her and sorry to do t.m.i. but when I had the blood running all down my legs and was trying to hobble to the loo leaving a trail of blood behind me (we had to throw away both the bedroom carpet and bathroom mats) she'd have just helped and not judged (I continued to lose big clots and tissue for several months and sometimes would have to just stay on the loo for an hour or so whilst trying to breastfeed DD with DH shuttling her in and out, because if I got off the loo I'd be covered again). I could just about deal with DH in there with me, I could have dealt with my Mum seeing me like that. I could not deal with a woman I had only recently known (two years, maybe once a month for a couple of hours) and who wasn't that keen on me (because I had married her son) seeing me in that state. Unfortunately my Mum wasn't alive then, so DH was on his own with me. His concern was me and not his Mum and DD needed me. MIL wasn't the MIL from hell as such, she was always just off with me, slightly disapproving etc. When I am ok I can mostly ignore it (we have a very "distant" and "polite" relationship now), but when I was very low and weak, the prospect of her saying anything about me being a mess, I just couldn't deal with. I don't think I would be in that situation with DD, it's different when it's your own child, surely? DD has wee-ed, poo-ed and vomited on me many times now - I still love her more than anything - and would have been there holding her on the loo. BUT if she said she wanted space, I would have to respect that but be upset more I think, because I would be worried/scared for her and just want her to be ok - not be thinking of my own feelings about being blocked from her baby.

and yes, thank you for what you said, it was absolutely awful and IF my DD had been let home and left in that state (this was 10 years ago), then I would have moved heaven and earth to help. However, it was what it was, we survived and I know now how lucky I was I was able to carry and keep her, my body hung onto her and sustained her (I bled throughout the pregnancy and was in and out of hospital for stays and pethadine injections when it was really bad - again I told no-one other than DH and midwife - didn't want to deal with what could have happened and also it was no-one else's business I didn't need their opinions) and she was fine so I am very grateful, I think my focus throughout was on DD and getting through it. MIL's feelings were not a priority. So I think that SIL may well have her reasons for what she is doing.

Sorry to de-rail! I will shup up now!

Argh! ..... ShuT up now!......

Sorry, just realised it was me who asked you the question and I very badly haven't replied

I had two MsIL - lucky! - and I would have felt the same as you about one of them. Complete cow.