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Original poster

Is this woman saying inappropriate things to my DP, or AIBU?

41 replies

letslistthis · 10/04/2015 10:13

I'm looking for some objective opinions on this sort of behaviour. Myself and DP have been together for almost 3 years.

My DP had a mate he lived near for about a year before meeting me. This mate had a long term DP who he lived with. My DP had therefore met his mate's DP, and, from what I know, they used to go for drinks in a big group of other friends etc. He never met up with his friends' DP alone, or anything like that. He literally knew her through the friendship with his mate.

I moved in with my DP a few months after meeting him. I therefore also lived near my DP's mate and his DP. We went for dinner occasionally. I wasn't exactly friends with this girl - she wasn't really my type of person and we had little in common, but we were always nice to one another and got on well for the sake of the 2 guys. Whenever anything was organised, the guys would do it, and I knew my DP never contacted his mate's DP directly over anything, though from time to time they would have the odd chat on Facebook - nothing inappropriate at all. It is worth noting that perhaps over a year, we went out as a group of 4, maybe 5 times, so not often. We were by no means best friends, and my DP has much closer friends than this mate I refer to.

Fast forward to a couple of years later, and this couple had moved a few hours away, and then they had broken up. Since the break up, this woman talked to my DP a lot about it. I get it, she was heartbroken, they had been together since late teens etc etc. I felt bad for her. However, I couldn;t help but find it strange that the contact had increased so significantly. When I am hurting over something, I wouldn't turn to someone I knew through my DP, nor lean on someone else's DP in this way. It all came to a head a few months ago when I ended up messaging her to say that her asking my DP to visit her was inappropriate, (especially messaging him at 11.45pm on a friday night when we are sitting watching tv together!). She played the victim card and made me out to be 'crazy.' I dislike confrontation with women, and therefore actively avoid it, but this had pissed me off to the extreme. I later apologised and told her I felt uncofrtable about the messages but I understood she was hurting. I didn;t get a response but weeks later she commented on a photo of me and DP on holiday and told us to have a good time. So I got over it and pushed it out of my mind.

A few months have passed and nothing incriminating seemed to occur. It is worth mentioning that I also told DP that I didliked him facilitating all the conversations and that it absolutely was not ok for him to let her ask him to visit her like she had...he said he understood and the contact seemed to stop for the most part, if not all.

Yesterday, however, my DP happened to speak with this woman (she said hello on social media), and he mentioned that he was working abroad for a bit. This woman then (apparently jokingly), said 'I will pack my bags for a visit!' I told my DP that I felt like the boundaries had been removed again and it made me very uncomfortable. He told me there is absolutely no feeling for her, and I believe him. But it feels so disrespectful to me for her to even say this. AIBU? Am I making more of this because of what happened in the past with her constant contact with my DP? I feel that I would never ever say that to one of my friends' partners, not even in a jokey way, and I certainly wouldn't to a man in a relationship with a woman I rarely speak to/am not 'friends' with in the true sense of the word. Everytime I try and rationalise it as a joke, I just think how weird I would feel if I said something like that to anyone who had a DP. AIBU?

OP posts:
scribblescrabble · 10/04/2015 10:20

My gut feeling is YANBU! I think if you are usually sensible and not overly jealous then follow your gut instinct an keep an eye out on the situation.

TheoriginalLEM · 10/04/2015 10:21

I think she has latched on to your DP because he is friends with her ex. I honestly don't think there is anymore to it than that, although i do agree that the last comment was inappropriate. In your shoes i would be asking my DP to gently break contact with this person, as it probably isn't doing her any good, she needs to move on. She is using your DP as a means to a connection with her ex and thats not good for anyone. I feel a bit sorry for her, but she isn't your, or your DP's problem.

x

badbaldingballerina123 · 10/04/2015 10:31

I wouldn't like it.

Why is your dp still talking to her ?

Original poster
letslistthis · 10/04/2015 10:36

He says he still talks to her because she is a friend and she needs someone to talk to.

I wouldn't want to actually tell him to stop talking to her - I don't want to be that sort of woman and have rules like that. Ideally, it would be nice if he put my feelings before hers - I couldn't care les if it means she has one less person to lean on...she should talk to her proper friends!!

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 10/04/2015 10:42

I get that you are uncomfortable but I can't see that there is a problem. She us probably holding onto the past through your dp. I think the "packing the bags" comment was just through away & I wouldn't read anything sinister.
I wouldn't obsess about it & trust your partner. He sounds like a kind man & as long as he is open with you.....you can't police boundaries for him.

Original poster
letslistthis · 10/04/2015 10:44

gosh yes I trust my DP, I just find her hugely disrespectful to me and to us. The bottom line is that it's her not my DP, so I need to remember that!!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/04/2015 10:48

So in total
You know you approached her before to no effect and can hardly demand DP blanks anyone you dislike.
She knows that you are not her number one fan so possibly takes a delight in winding you up.
He knows that you feel on edge when she says stuff.
You trust him don't you? All you can do is hope she gets bored or finds something or someone else to occupy her. Don't let her get under your skin.

MuddledMavis · 10/04/2015 10:51

I wouldn't like it, she's trying to be too familiar....I know my partner wouldn't pick up on it though (from experience-an 'ex' he 'wasn't' friends with but she used to contact him very regular-never bothered me until I spotted her asking him 'so have you cheated on Mavis yet?' Before going on to tell him how unhappy she was with her current Dp...he didn't pick up on the subtle undermining of our relationship and thought I was being gaga....wasn't until she started pushing him to meet up that he finally saw for himself that she was trying to be too overfamiliar with him by writing a big friendship in her own head that he did not have any party to-he was just being polite and inoffensive by responding to her 'hi how are you?' Texts).

I'm not sure how I would deal with it to be honest as it boils down to him facilitating her-if it was a male saying that to me the comment would have been shut down with 'Nah only visitor I would like while abroad is dp'.

badbaldingballerina123 · 10/04/2015 10:53

But they're not friends. He knew her from his friend didn't he. That's all.

I disagree that it's her not your dp. I wouldn't continue having conversations with some random person from years ago if it upset my partner.

What was his response to her suggestion of a visit ?

Original poster
letslistthis · 10/04/2015 10:54

I don't actually dislike her...I guess now I do as I feel she is inappropriate and not what my circle of friends would feel is ok. But I never really disliked her before that, we just weren't close friends and never properly bonded. I think I'm just surprised that women can behanve like that - I genuinely wouldnt dream of saying things like that to someone in a relationship, it's just not the right thing to do IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
letslistthis · 10/04/2015 10:57

badbald his response was apparently 'lol'. and then the conversation moved on.

I don't know what to think :( I do trust my DP but it upsets me that he allows her to say these things. I told him it upset me and he said "how can i stop her saying something like that? I didn't agree to her visiting."

When I said 'do you need to speak with her at all?' He will say 'she's a friend and she's upset.'

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/04/2015 11:01

I don't think that there's anything wrong with the "pack my bags" comment. Yes, it could mean "I'll come over to have sex with you" but I think it's more likely a "free holiday accommodation!" comment. It's the kind of thing I would have said when young and I knew that it wound up a mate's girlfriend. If social media had existed then.

I think it's reasonable for you to want your boyfriend to be a bit more distant with her, I know that my DP doesn't get in to situations like this (doesn't use social media for a start). But, this is how he is, he's not in the wrong, and he's the man you're choosing to be with.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/04/2015 11:03

I would not be comfortable with this.

I certainly think it's odd she wants to visit him when he is alone and you are not there......

Your DP needs to discourage her from leaning on him like this before it drifts into anything more....

Original poster
letslistthis · 10/04/2015 11:04

I would just appreciate it if my DP acknolwedged that those comments are disrespectful to me, and therefore made it clear when talking to her. Instead, I feel he just says 'lol' as an easy way out. To me, that isnt ok. What a poster above said, a good response would be that he doesnt want any visitors expect for me. The funny thing is, my DP would go mad if a guy was saying these things to me.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 10/04/2015 11:06

It sounds like your DP has reacted the right way by just saying LOL and nothing else.

I don't think the comment would be inappropriate if there wasn't already this history of her asking him to visit her late at night. She is very clearly itching to fall onto into your DP's knob arms.

I would not have apologised to her after the first conversation, BTW. I'd have told her to wind her fucking neck in and fuck off elsewhere.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 11:10

I would just appreciate it if my DP acknolwedged that those comments are disrespectful to me, and therefore made it clear when talking to her. Instead, I feel he just says 'lol' as an easy way out.

In a way it's not her comments that are disrespectful, it's his responses then?

MuddledMavis · 10/04/2015 11:10

My dp's reasoning for not taking the approach I would take was that his intentions were honourable-therefore he didn't need to acknowledge or say anything other than lol because it meant nothing to him-he could never understand why it meant so much to me that he (in my opinion) allowed her to disrespect our relationship as he wasn't encouraging her.

badbaldingballerina123 · 10/04/2015 11:12

Of course he can stop it. He just doesn't want to. He's enjoying the ego boost he's getting from the idea she's upset and needs his support. And he's doing it at your expense.

How often do they talk Op ?

Grantaire · 10/04/2015 11:20

I'd assume she was commenting on going abroad.

It's open to interpretation and you have decided you don't like her and she's after your partner so this "huge disrespect" is based on your interpretation, not fact. Imagine if a male friend who was going through a painful break up asked his mate to come over or found out his mate was working abroad and made a "wahey I'm on my way" type comment. You'd read it differently. In your situation, the only person's behaviour you can take issue with is your partner's and tbh, I can't see that he's done anything wrong either.

Maybe she does like your partner but I don't think you can say that with any degree of certainty. People suggesting you tell her to fuck off and wind her fucking neck in aren't allowing for the fact that this may just be a woman who needs a friend. Maybe you aren't ever going to allow your partner to be friends with a single woman but that's not her fault. All you can do is ask your partner not to be friends with her. It's up to him to decide if you're being unreasonable or not.

I'm NOT a cool wife btw, before the inevitable accusation gets levelled at me as it always does on these threads. I expect certain boundaries from DH in his interactions with others. I genuinely would not be remotely bothered if one of his female friends made those comments.

Original poster
letslistthis · 10/04/2015 11:50

They used to talk everyday, before it came ot a head and I told her she'd overstepped the mark by asking him to come over late at night. In fact, the message I saw was one where she'd put ":( :( areyou not coming to visit then?"

Since then, not a lot from what I can tell. Though I don't check up on him on this, I let it go. It's just thi snew comment about visiting him has made me feel a bit peed off again.

OP posts:
derxa · 10/04/2015 12:00

She sounds like a piece of work tbh. I would keep an eye on it . However I am very old and long time married. If my DH did this I would be furious.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/04/2015 12:01

badbaldingballerina123
"Of course he can stop it. He just doesn't want to. He's enjoying the ego boost he's getting from the idea she's upset and needs his support. And he's doing it at your expense."

I can't tell whether you are projecting or baiting.

badbaldingballerina123 · 10/04/2015 12:09

I wouldn't like it and I wouldn't put up with it. I also wonder if you know the full extent of their contact.

For all his excuses about friendship and being supportive , you know , and so does he , that if she was a sixty year old man he would not have been offering daily support.

At best she is an acquaintance.

badbaldingballerina123 · 10/04/2015 12:11

I wasn't doing either boney. I was stating my opinion like everyone else.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 12:15

I agree with you bad, the OP's problem lies with him, not the friend.