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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants half my weekly benefits for looking after dd2.

40 replies

CuteWithoutTheE · 10/04/2015 09:58

Long story short - ex is a fucking monster, very EA and financially abusive too over the course of 5 years. All came to a head last week, I posted on here, he took dd2 (dd1 is not his), I called the police who turned up as he brought her back and found him strangling me in the living room in front of dds.

He was charged and released and left me alone for a few days.

I blocked his number so he bought a new phone and has been giving me a fair bit of grief last night regarding money as usual.

He has always taken money from me, he pushes and pushes for it until I give in. I'm not giving in this time.

He has now decided that he is taking dd2 for 3/4 nights every week and because of that he should be able to claim benefits for her.

I do not want him to have her that length of time he spends too much time in the pub and his mum and dad will end up looking after her and they are elderly. Dd2 is 22mo.

I have just claimed as a single for child tax credits, child benefit and income support and he thinks that the should be split half and half. I haven't even replied because surely this is utterly ridiculous?

If he goes to court which he says he will, are they going to agree with him? I don't support. It comes to about

OP posts:

Original poster

CuteWithoutTheE · 10/04/2015 09:59

Sorry for the jumbled mess I'm on the iPhone app and it's not the best

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 10:01

Ignore him

I wouldn't be handing my child over to his care at all

Let him take you to court. The best he could hope for there is supervised access. He played a blinder there strangling you and getting caught in the act.

What a ridiculous man. Stop talking to him, stop listening to his bollocks.

if he continues to harass you, report him again.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/04/2015 10:01

Don't speak to him at all and call the police if he turns up. Let him take you to court for contact - this will take months. There will be cafcass reports. Obviously proceed with the court case for him assaulting you.

And never give him money ever

badtime · 10/04/2015 10:04

The police walked in and found him strangling you!

No court is going to support his nonsense.

Original poster

CuteWithoutTheE · 10/04/2015 10:05

He really is ridiculous.

He had been all nice before I blocked his number, he was all sorry and I think the lack of replies from me has made him kick off again because he isn't getting his own way.

He was working (self employed) but I don't think he has had much work recently so this is why he is asking for cash. He bleeds his parents dry and I am guessing they have had enough of being treated like a cashline so he's trying me again.

He has always been like this, he thinks the world owes him a living and when he hasn't got money he's nasty.

His whole fucking life revolves around money and it's one of the reasons I left him.

I am just fucking sick of it.

I am going to see if I can get an appointment with a solicitor however I will need legal aid do you think they will be OK with that?

OP posts:

gallicgirl · 10/04/2015 10:05

Is he named on birth certificate and does he have parental responsibility?

If you don't want him to have DD then tell him no. You might want to consider obtaining a residency order from the court to clarify his contact with DD.

Child maintenance is a separate issue from contact. I believe the csa award 15% of the non-resident parent's income as child maintenance but this can be adjusted if the child spends time with the NRP.

does your ex have his own income?

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 10:06

you may qualify for legal aid due to the domestic violence aspect

ring a few offices and see what they say

what is happening with an assault charge against him ?

26Point2Miles · 10/04/2015 10:07

No it's not right, but he should be paying YOU maintenence

Does he work?

Kvetch15 · 10/04/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petalsandstars · 10/04/2015 10:08

See if you can speak to women's aid - there is a record of domestic violence from him so you may be able to get legal aid and they will have local links to help you. and do not give him any money

TheClacksAreDown · 10/04/2015 10:08

Goodness, don't let him just take her - the man is clearly violent and dangerous. Has he been charged with assaulting you? I'd let him take you to court.

MyCatIsAGit · 10/04/2015 10:13

You seem very focussed on the money and really not so much on the violence. The man assaulted you. That's horrific. I can't imagine how he would get any custody at all. Call Women's Aid.

Original poster

CuteWithoutTheE · 10/04/2015 10:14

Yes I have pressed charges and he is to appear in court in June. I'm not sure when he was released the police told me nothing.

I am going to give women's aid a call.

And YY to the worst kind of arsehole being an ignorant arsehole.

He cannot and will not be told how ridiculous this is so I'm going to have to go through a court.

He is on the birth certificate but I have been the main carer since she was born.

He spends 3/4 nights a week in the pub and I swear I'm not exaggerating he really does.

He is nasty but that was the first time he had ever been violent towards me and it was the first time I had ever properly stood up for myself and he didn't like it. I think that's what the violent reaction was for because I wasn't doing what he wanted

OP posts:

Original poster

CuteWithoutTheE · 10/04/2015 10:16

MyCatIsAGit - my op was regarding the money situation, I am concerned about the violence and have pressed charges. That is being dealt with, I needed advice on how to deal with this now.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 10/04/2015 10:16

No no no no no.

He is a dangerous thug who sees your daughter as an income source. Don't let him take her.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/04/2015 10:20

Do not let him in your house. I agree with contacting womens aid.

You don't need a solictor or put out any money until he gets one - and if he's skint with a conviction for violence hanging over him it's not going to happen soon.

MyCatIsAGit · 10/04/2015 10:21

Oops, sorry, I was just really shocked. Don't give him any money.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 10:25

do not let him into the house under any circumstances and do not let him take your dd.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/04/2015 10:27

I think that's what the violent reaction was for because I wasn't doing what he wanted

What a chilling thought, a man like this having charge of a child under 2. Toddlers are not well known for doing what their parents want. They would try the patience of a saint sometimes. And you don't need to tell me your ex is not a saint.

Cabbagesaregreen · 10/04/2015 10:31

Of course the thread is about the violence and not the money. He shouldn't be anywhere near your dd so the money is irrelevant anyway.

fairgame · 10/04/2015 10:31

What a twat. Don't get into any contact with him at all. I think you should push for contact at a contact centre for your own safety if you decide to let him have any at all. Let him take you to court because i bet he doesn't it will probably be an empty threat. Is there a domestic violence caseworker in your area that could support you?
Do not give him any money.

Jackieharris · 10/04/2015 10:32

He's not going to get her 3/4 nights a week.

It's good you have another DC. The courts won't want to split up siblings.

He can run with his idea if he wants. Ignore him. Contact women's aid so you have some support.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/04/2015 10:33

The words police..... found him strangling me in the living room in front of dds just leap out, how terrifying! Don't give any credence to anything he says and don't give him money. Please do contact Women's Aid.

Pico2 · 10/04/2015 10:33

Perhaps you could get a restraining order against him.

He has no right to any of your benefits and no court would grant him any of your money.

kungfupannda · 10/04/2015 10:41

If he's been charged with assaulting you, it is highly likely that he has bail conditions prohibiting him from contacting you.

I'm a criminal lawyer and I've only once ever had a client bailed following a DV charge without such a condition, and that was an extremely unusual situation.

Call the police and ask if he's supposed to be in contact with you. If he's not, then they should arrest him and produce him in court the following day. June seems an extremely long time for a first appearance, mind you. Are you sure he hasn't just been bailed back to the police station?

See a solicitor and don't let him take your daughter until contact is formalised. If he is violent then supervised contact needs to be explored, and you certainly won't be paying him to look after her.

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