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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants half my weekly benefits for looking after dd2.

40 replies

CuteWithoutTheE · 10/04/2015 09:58

Long story short - ex is a fucking monster, very EA and financially abusive too over the course of 5 years. All came to a head last week, I posted on here, he took dd2 (dd1 is not his), I called the police who turned up as he brought her back and found him strangling me in the living room in front of dds.

He was charged and released and left me alone for a few days.

I blocked his number so he bought a new phone and has been giving me a fair bit of grief last night regarding money as usual.

He has always taken money from me, he pushes and pushes for it until I give in. I'm not giving in this time.

He has now decided that he is taking dd2 for 3/4 nights every week and because of that he should be able to claim benefits for her.

I do not want him to have her that length of time he spends too much time in the pub and his mum and dad will end up looking after her and they are elderly. Dd2 is 22mo.

I have just claimed as a single for child tax credits, child benefit and income support and he thinks that the should be split half and half. I haven't even replied because surely this is utterly ridiculous?

If he goes to court which he says he will, are they going to agree with him? I don't support. It comes to about

OP posts:

wannaBe · 10/04/2015 10:43

op you need to see a solicitor asap but not about the money, about the access issue. It's too much of a dangerous road to go down to say that he should take you to court for access, he is dangerous and you need to pre-empt him on this one.

Go and see a solicitor wrt:

getting a residency order and to gain supervised access only for him.

Taking out a restraining order (or whatever it's called these days) to prohibit him from contacting you.

You should be able to use the police reports to back up the argument that he is a danger to your dd, based on the fact that she was witness to his assalt on you.

Don't listen to his bullshit about money. If he wants to go to court about that then let him, meanwhile ignore anything he says about money. What is important is your safety and that of your dd.

Oh and get a new number which he doesn't have access to.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/04/2015 10:46

if I were you I would consider taking out an injunction against him, there are solicitors that specialise in this.

gillybean2 · 10/04/2015 10:47

Ignore him, he's spouting rubbish.
Your benefits are calculated on your circumstances. He doesn't live with you, and wasn't taken into account in the calculation. The money is yours, not your dc to be shared with him, and definitely not his.
If he wants to put in a claim of his own he should do so. He'll have to prove he is the resident parent though. As you get the Child benefit, the dc live with you, and there is no court order in place, he'd have a tough time proving anything.

You should get legal aid as there is domestic violence within the last two years.

Don't allow your dc or yourself to be put at risk again. Block his new number and tell him to only contact you through his solicitor.

Don't allow him to take dd again. He is dangerous and violent and may not return her again.
Your dd is entitled to a relationship with her dad, not the other way around. And only if it is in her best interests and it is safe to do so.
So in the circumstances I would offer him supervised contact at a contact centre only. If he wants a relationship with dd he will agree to it.
You can search on line for a contact centre near you.
Let him take you to court if he disagrees.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 10:48

OP, do you rely on him for childcare (while you work, for example) ?

butterflyballs · 10/04/2015 10:55

Contact the police and/or courts to find out about his bail conditions. He should not be contacting you. If he's breaking them he will be arrested for breaking them.

Never mind the money, start protecting yourself. Non molestation order, solicitor, women's aid. Start acting.

magoria · 10/04/2015 10:56

go back to the police and show them that the man who they caught attacking you is now contacting you.

that has to be against his terms

AlternativeTentacles · 10/04/2015 10:59

MyCatIsAGit - my op was regarding the money situation, I am concerned about the violence and have pressed charges. That is being dealt with, I needed advice on how to deal with this now.

Yeah - you need to use the violence to restrict access thus cutting off his flow of money.

maccie · 10/04/2015 11:08

OP you seem vey ground down by this man. He has clearly got you so used to bowing down to his demands that you cannot see how ludicrous his demands for half of your benefits are.

You and your DD's are the only people entitled to that money.

OP you really need to be proactive now and make sure you make use of the services available to you because of his assault on you.

Contact the police domestic violence unit and ask if he was placed under any restrictions as part of his bail as he is now harassing you.

If there were not restrictions added then request them now independently as he is not allowed to put this kind of pressure on you.

Phone women's aid. They are a fantastic resource that can help guide you through this process.

Do not allow any contact for your DD's with him. If you have allowed this already then stop it now. You can cite how he has used this access to continue to abuse you.

Change your phone number. Either contact your service provider or buy a new sim for £1.

Let him try to force access through the courts. Do not allow this to be worked out by the two of you. You are not strong enough right now to see how completely unreasonable he is.

The police dc unit will be a great support for you and should be keeping you informed about the court case. You could need to be a witness. You should know about restrictions placed on him. You should know what he has been charged with. You are left in the dark if you are not in contact with them. They should be offering a joined up approach to keep you and your girls safe from him.

happy2bhomely · 10/04/2015 11:17

Get a restraining order. My sister in law approached a solicitor on a Monday and by the following Monday had attended court and been granted a restraining order and prohibited steps order. It didn't cost her anything, she was entitled to legal aid. Her partner never touched her, but did dislocate her dd's arm.

I would not hand my child over to a man who had tried to strangle me. In fact, I think you would be completely unreasonable to even consider it. I know abuse twists your idea of normal and acceptable behaviour, but your child needs you to protect her. Do not give her to a dangerous man!

Do not give him any money. He should be paying you money, even if he is not having access.

Every time he contacts you, call the police.

maccie · 10/04/2015 11:31

Okay to be very blunt OP.

To reduce his access to your money you have to reduce his contact to his DD. You have very justifiable reasons to do this right now as he tried to strangle you in front of your dd. If you do not throw the full force of the law at him with harassment and non molestation orders NOW whilst you have the chance then in the future he probably will apply for shared residence to reduce his maintenance payments.

You have pressed charges against him and that is fantastic and brave, but there are other measures you can take to further reduce his influence on you and your DD's. The police domestic violence team can talk you through them.

The more of this that is on record the better. This will also help gain legal aid to fight in court if he does persue access or residence.

Cherryapple1 · 10/04/2015 11:54

whether he sees her or not you don't pay him your benefits ever!

But light of the violence I would stop all contact, block his new number, and see a solicitor. Is it a non molestation order you need? And call WA today too.

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/04/2015 12:01

OP, since the police found you under serious attack in front of the children they should also be mobilising social services to give you support and to help you ensure the children are safe from this man. They will be able to advise you about contact and whether or not it should be considered at all at this stage.

There are a lot of agencies out there to help you. Please don't try and work things out with this man by yourself, or make private arrangements with him. What he is wanting is not reasonable, rational or legal and you don't have to do any of it.

cleanmyhouse · 10/04/2015 13:28

I looked into whether benefits could be split between 2 parents with shared care and they can't. Only 1 person can get benefits for a child and thats always going to be the resident parent.

fedup2015 · 10/04/2015 14:07

Sounds very much like my ex. Pays no maintenance and asks for my tax credits! There is no way Amy court in a million years would award him custody. Stand up for yourself.

Tell him not a chance in a million years would he get custody, but if he fancies his chances to go for it. Tell him you won't be bullied and if you can get an order in place so he no longer can contact you, if contact needs to be made them his parents can do so. This man thinks he can intimidate and control you, but you actually have control here and he's trying to whittle you down

BrowersBlues · 10/04/2015 14:18

OP I have been in precisely the same situation. Ring Child Benefit and tell them that he is going to attempt to take the child benefit from you. They will tell you that only you can surrender the child benefit to him. He can make a claim anyway. This happened to me because after he contacted CB they (apparently) sent me a letter seeking my approval to give him the child benefit. I never got this letter and all they could tell me that their records show that the letter was either not received by me or that I had ignored the letter. He got the CB and I now have to embark on getting it back.

He claimed tax credits for both my children without me knowing and I found this out yesterday! My teenage DC live with me but stomp off to his for a few days when I rein them in over their (sometimes appalling) behaviour. He claimed they lived with him. I am now in deep shit with tax credits.

Please write down EVERY MINUTE she spends with her father, write down and keep receipts for EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SPEND on her including everything rent, heating, school lunches, everything.

If you haven't already done so get a residence order on your DD.

Please also get a non-molestation order against him for your safety and your children.

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