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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does this message mean from him? I dont know

71 replies

Deinaje · 10/04/2015 09:13

Hi, I have an American friend, we met in abroad and because we liked each other I have visited him in USA. The last day of this journey, we argued and it was hurtfull. We met his friend when we had a date, he told them something akward about me and since then had been mad. He was probably joking but in that moment it was a bad joke.
I felt like I lost him in one moment, he was paying attention his friends more than me..Since then we havent been talking a lot, because I am back home. I wrote him a message few day ago about how I felt. His respond is: Sometimes I want to rewrite what was said before you came out here. I want to be more clear about what the visit was. You are a wonderful human being and I am blessed to know you! I am sorry it didn t end up as you had hoped, but I am too... You are still a big part of my life. We met as travelers and to me, as an American, it is a big deal I will always have a place for you in my heart but that place is also filled with other amazing people. You are not lost with me. You are another person on this earth that has encouraged me and been someone I needed to meet.

I am not native in English, please help me and write me your opinion for this message. Am I still important for him in future on does he want to quit it?

OP posts:

Chipsahoythere · 10/04/2015 09:18

I think he's not being overly clear and a bit waffly, but I think his point is that he wants to let go of the relationship. I think he's saying it was important for a time but just for then.

He sounds annoying."

cozietoesie · 10/04/2015 09:19

I'd read that simply as he likes you as a friend but not as anyone deeply 'special' to him.

UpSheFlew · 10/04/2015 09:20

He's just not that into you. Sorry.

fuctifino · 10/04/2015 09:21

I would say he doesn't want to be romantically involved with you but values you as a friend.

Quitelikely · 10/04/2015 09:23

Did you visit him thinking you were in a relationship?

His message implies that you are a special friend. He is saying he values all of his friends equally

Original poster

Deinaje · 10/04/2015 09:31

It was unfair for me, because he wanted from me to be with him all the time. I finished one of my relationships because he was stalking me with his messages. He said me I love you, I need you I miss and all those things before I came out here. He wanted to come to my country first, but he was without money after that journey so I suprised him and he was so happy but then this happened...I dont understand. I feel like he was playing with me an awful game

OP posts:

tribpot · 10/04/2015 09:34

It sounds like you thought the visit to the US was the start of a romantic relationship with him, and he didn't. He wishes he had been clearer before you visited that you are friends and nothing more was being offered.

I did wonder what "to me, as an American, it is a big deal" meant - the phrase 'as an American' does get rather over-used, but I think he meant he was glad to be able to welcome you to his home country and show you some of it.

It sounds like he wants still to be friends but I would proceed carefully. He might just be saying that to let you down more easily. I would back off for a bit and be quite casual in your future conversations with him - maybe make plans to travel with someone else and then invite him to join you at some point on the route, rather than plan a trip specifically to see him or with him.

glittertits · 10/04/2015 09:37

He's a friend, not a boyfriend. Sorry.

Original poster

Deinaje · 10/04/2015 09:41

tripbot - thank you...I sent him my respond:
Its well said. You are right. And I still have that feeling that you should do everything to make your dreams come true. Sometimes we are making hard decisions. Only time will show which decision was good, which was not so good. I wanted you know I dont regret anything. You are still that amazing person I have met in New Zealand. Maybe we were expecting too much..I think it should be better without these expectations. Not too much pressure be perfect, be detail...Slow down, be friends and time will show...We both were hurt before..so to have enough space was needed...You are also a big part of my life and you will be.

OP posts:

tribpot · 10/04/2015 09:54

Hmm, it sounds like you are still hoping eventually friendship will turn into love, and he is telling you that it won't. But it's hard to say without knowing what happened when you were in NZ, were you just friends? Did you have a fling?

If he only wants to be friends, I would expect him to read your reply with some concern. If you do have romantic feelings for him, it might be better for both of you not to have too much contact for a while.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/04/2015 10:01

Sounds to me like he did want a romantic relationship with you but is back tracking now since your visit and making it look as though you were reading too much into it all. 'Sometimes I want to rewrite what what said before you came out here'

He is saying he has changing his mind but not wanting to take the blame for doing so. Only you can decide if this is a genuine misunderstanding/growing apart. Or if he really did lead you on.

Original poster

Deinaje · 10/04/2015 10:02

In Zealand, there was a affair between us, but after I left home, he was quiet, then he started, when he realized that I have someone and he was loosing me..He was like insane.I had messages everywhere...FB, Hangouts...So yes, there were many signs that he wanted something more. He told me this...
But it changed when I came out here. He was cold. And I didnt know why. He has ADHD.

OP posts:

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/04/2015 10:03

Either that or it was easy for him to declare he loved you whilst there was little chance of you actually being able to get togethers rom your countries.

Your surprise visit made it more real than he actually wanted?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/04/2015 10:03

From not rom!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/04/2015 10:04

Ooh, cross posting!

tribpot · 10/04/2015 10:06

In that case he hasn't been very kind. He isn't interested in having a proper relationship with you but likes it when you want to be with him.

You definitely need to back away from him.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/04/2015 10:06

I don't think the ADHD has much to do with it, I just think he sounds like an immature jerk

cozietoesie · 10/04/2015 10:07

...Sometimes I want to rewrite what was said before you came out here.....

Read the first part of his message rather than the latter.

I'm afraid he now doesn't want you as anything more than a friend. (He's just wrapped it up a bit.) I'd try to move on if I were you.

SwedishEdith · 10/04/2015 10:11

I'd just leave this. I don't like the sound of him at all bombarding you with messages when he knew you were with someone else.

Ouchbloodyouch · 10/04/2015 10:31

I have ADHD and am not a jerk

Original poster

Deinaje · 10/04/2015 10:33

For example, he told me many times how he will take care of me when I will be there. I came and he asked me if I would like to go to supermarket to buy something for me for me...I thought he might be talking about some girly stuff..But when I came to his app, there was not anything to eat. I have had a long lasting flight. 14 hours...and yes I expected he should prepare something for me..But nothing..He disappointed me the first day...

OP posts:

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/04/2015 10:42

Exactly, ouch!

Original poster

Deinaje · 10/04/2015 10:45

I dont mean that ADHD people are jerks:D I have just mention this.

And yes, he might be scared when I finally came. But this is not apologize. He wanted this..SO he should tell me slow down or something...I am scared..But nothing.

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ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/04/2015 10:45

Op, the scales fell from your eyes when you saw him in his home setting.

Much of the romance you felt would have been down to the holiday pace of life and beautiful NZ.

Move on and distance yourself from him. Find someone who would get food in and look after you after a long flight.

Original poster

Deinaje · 10/04/2015 10:46

*apology

OP posts:

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