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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he think he can get away with this?

34 replies

single4ever · 09/04/2015 20:49

I have been in a long term relationship (13yrs) we have a 10 year old son together, he is trying to force me out of my sons life and our home, my ex has not worked for years and I have always been the main bread winner and paid the bills, but the house (although bought jointly) is in his name. He has made up a pack of lies to the court and is trying to get me out. I am living in my bedroom to stay away from him, he is telling me I can not take my son out on my own, (although there is no legally reason why as to why I can't) but I do not want my son to be caught in the middle so for his sake I have backed down, but I feel so sad and frustrated.

Our son even asked his Dad if it was OK to have the Easter Egg that I had bought him... this is not the first time something like this has happened. I worry about my son and what he must be thinking.

on a separate note, today I have found out that he has cancelled the tax credit payments, and when I rang them they said that they had had a call saying that I needed to make a single claim - but until the courts decide I am staying put. I hope that my partner will be found out to be a liar and he will have to go (as I have proof that I have paid the mortgage/deposit and legal fees when we bought the property).

Sorry, for the novel, I have rather a lot to get off my chest, any help or advise would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MadameJulienBaptiste · 09/04/2015 20:55

How on earth did you end up buying a house jointly without being on the deeds?

NameChange30 · 09/04/2015 21:00

Get a solicitor NOW!

Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 21:09

HI Julien & Emma
Sorry, I'm new at all this so I hope I'm posting to the right place! I have got a solicitor, but when you are being charged massively, and paying all the bills, I have been trying to cut down on contacting her to much, now his stopped the tax credits it makes it even harder.

I had problems going back (I was declared bankrupt numerous years ago) so I we couldn't have the house put in both names, I have only just found out that a deed of trust should have been done at the time of purchase but as he was controlling it, I don't beleive it ever happened.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2015 21:14

Have you talked to women's aid? I think you should, what you describe is extremely coercive and bullying. Get some advice about whether you are subject to abuse, see if it is possible to get an occupation order and get him out. he is a threat, he is clearly a nasty piece of work.

If it isn't possible to get him out this way, I would suggest leaving with your son. Do you have relatives you could go to? I would do anything I had to including defaulting on the mortgage, just to keep this man away from any child of mine. If the mortgage and deeds are in both names and he can't pay the mortgage, tough he would end up homeless. Money, houses, mortgages, right and wrongs...as nothing compared to keeping your son with you and away from him.

Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 21:19

I would add, that I used to own a couple of shops, and during my pregnancy my pelvis displaced and I was unable to work (I was doing 12 hour shifts prior to being signed off by the Doctor) I left the shops in charge of my Ex and between him and the Manager a massive debt was built up at a cash & carry, which I had no way of paying.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2015 21:19

Hang on, your name is not on the deeds or the mortgage? isn't that a good thing? I would stop paying the mortgage, he will be liable for it. Save the money and use it for a deposit on a rental.

I shouldn't really say this, but I would be inclined to dig around and find something incriminating that would interest the courts. If DP told me I couldn't speak to, hug, spend time with or take my DC anywhere I would stop at nothing to ensure my children were as far from him as is possible.

Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 21:27

Hi Mini the minx.

I have spoken to a group called Splitz and they say I qualify for extra help, and I am waiting to hear back from them.

I am worried that if a do a runner with my son, this would have a terrible effect on my him, my so has aspergers and I don't think that he would understand why this was happening. If we left he would take further action, I have already had court papers served on me, this case was to have me removed from the home, but he has another case for custody they have now been lumped together.

He is saying horrible lies about me, and I worry about what he has already said to our son, as he is acting differently around me.

OP posts:
Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 21:31

I feel the house, is my son's security, he has lived here for 8 years of his life, it what he knows, to pull him away from this would really upset him.

And I know my ex will make sure he uses it against me in court.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 09/04/2015 21:45

Do nt do a runner with your son, I'm sure it's tempting but it could be used against you in court

MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2015 21:48

So he has told lies and he has had papers served to evict you and take custody of your son, yes? good grief, I hope you have got a good solicitor. Can I ask what the nature of these lies are? Have you got a way of proving them false? What has your solicitor said in relation to this?

The house might be security for your son but it will only remain his home if you continue to pay the mortgage on a house that isn't yours. How could you pay for this and find somewhere to live?

Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 21:51

That's what I thought, It's just so upsetting and wrong what my ex is doing, I beginning to feel more and more isolated, and I love my son to bits, it hurts so much. I've been Mum and Dad to him for years and now... I even commented to my partner that it was nice that he was spending some more time with his son just after Christmas, I didn't realise why and that he was obviously planning all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 22:02

He has accused me of being an alcoholic (for all the time we have been together), and being violent. Neither of which are true. The only person who has ever called the police because of violence is me, against him.

I did go though a bad spell last year because of major health concern and I did have a few glasses of wine on occasions, but that is it. I was scared, and had no support from him. Despite me supporting him with his depression for years.

I run my own business, which is very hard work, I started on my own and it has grown over he last 6 years, and I have about 10 people working for me, I am still very hands on. - something I couldn't do if I had a drink problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 22:05

I would add, that my solicitor has said that he is only accusing me of doing this as he knows I have a claim on the house, and it's the only was of getting me out!

OP posts:
Original poster
single4ever · 09/04/2015 22:53

Sorry, I really ought to read through my postings first for typo's it doesn't look good - I promise I haven't had anything to drink.

OP posts:
OhTheAngst · 09/04/2015 23:21

You can make a separate claim for tax credits as you are living separately under the same roof. But you will want to claim for your son, and maybe your ex will try to as well - will he sign on?

It does sound like you need specialist advice.

Original poster
single4ever · 10/04/2015 08:02

I believe he was getting ESA, but not sure now as since this has all happened I have removed myself as his power of attorney.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/04/2015 09:41

It sounds like he is abusive, I suggest you call Women's Aid as they will be able to advise you about any legal, financial and practical help you can get. Their helpline number is 0808 2000 247.
Good luck.

OhTheAngst · 10/04/2015 09:56

Who gets the Child Benefit atm?

sakura · 10/04/2015 09:58

Yes, no doubt that was why he was spending more time with your son. Because he was planning this. I went through something pretty similar, when my H's family and his mother tried to isolate me from my own children. My DD began to treat me with contempt. Luckily for me, I discovered H's affair so he could no longer play innocent and I left with the children and am now trying to build some bridges with DD but I don't know what they had been saying to her. I think it was along the lines of leading her to believe I was completely stupid and incompetent.

It is such a shock to realize that people can be so cruel and intentionally evil.

I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your son. It is cruel what is being done to him too because you are his mother, the centre of his world and he is being taught not to trust you or believe in you.

Original poster
single4ever · 10/04/2015 18:26

Thank you Sakura for your touching reply, I was beginning to think that it must be me, I must have done something wrong for someone to act like this towards me. Or maybe I was just gullible and stupid. I just prey that the courts can see through his lies.

As for the Child benefit Emma, I am currently receiving it, well I did in March, but then I received tax credits in March, they stopped in April. I guess I need to contact them too - this is such a mess.

OP posts:
OhTheAngst · 10/04/2015 19:00

Ring the Tax Credits people asap, as I said you should be able to claim, and as the CB is in your name you should be able to claim for your son.

Just realised my posts don't actually sound sympathetic! But I am! (I was unhappily married for decades, to a man who turned nasty when I served divorce papers)

Original poster
single4ever · 10/04/2015 20:56

Thanks ohTheAgust, I will try and ring the Tax Credits again, and see if I can get some help from them, rather than them telling me that I have to wait up to 2 weeks to get the forms (that's if I get the post - some things have been going missing), and then if he has already applied using my son, then I will be refused. I think i need to find someone at the tax credit office who will listen to me rather than just believe what my ex has told them.

I didn't expect everyone to be so kind and understanding, I know I am a gullible fool, and I have let him walk all over me, but I honestly didn't see this happening to me, I didn't expect the hurt and the lies, and the fact that he is trying to bring our son into this mess too. I know he will be upset, but there are ways of explaining things to him, and his father has not considered any ones feeling but his own.

OP posts:
fluffybunnies246 · 10/04/2015 21:10

single4ever I don't think anyone could expect that sort of thing happening, from anyone.

Does your son have a social worker?

Hoping that you get help asap- assuming that Splitz might refer you onto some support service.

FloristryCommission · 10/04/2015 21:27

Is he named on your son's birth cert?

Original poster
single4ever · 10/04/2015 21:56

No, our son doesn't have a social worker just a trained TA at school.

Also his father is on the birth certificate.

OP posts:
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