DH struggling to cope with my pregnancy sickness

[LilacWine7]

I was diagnosed with severe form of pregnancy sickness 3 months ago and it hasn't improved much. I've tried medications and every alternative remedy out there but most days i still vomit several times and some days I vomit 10x or more. In between I feel nauseous though have started to have a few hours a day when the nausea lifts.

DH was very patient at first but now he is fed-up and frustrated. He complains we have no social life, no sex life and he feels neglected. I've explained I can't get in the mood for sex when I feel sick (we've only had sex 4x since I got pregnant) and I hate leaving the house unless essential as I hate being sick in public. Friends visit us at home but i find it tiring, and when we have overnight guests he ends up doing most of entertaining. Ive managed to go back to work part-time but often take days off sick when i'm vomiting a lot (its a very physical client-centred job). He thinks I should force myself to go in every day as its a new role and I need to make good impression.

Most of time he's very caring, does all the food shopping, helps with meal prep etc. Other days he gets angry and says I need to make more effort with our relationship, try harder to go to work and get out of house more. He thinks fresh air and eating something every hour will help, but sometimes nothing helps and he doesn't understand I can't eat regularly at work. He nags me to eat all the time as he's worried the baby might not get enough nutrients.

How can i improve our relationship and help him to be less impatient? I know its hard for him but I don't have much energy. I can't watch movies with him either (TV triggers sickness) and when I feel ill i just want to curl up by myself. How do i stop him feeling neglected and ignored? I know he's stressed and worried, but how do i reassure him? He says my mood-swings are horrendous.

I'm sure many have said this already, but you don't do anything.
It's his problem and he's acting like a spoilt baby.
This would be a red flag for what he will be like in the future.
How on earth will he cope with a baby?
Are you sure you want to parent with this man?

He 'helps' with food prep? Helps who? Who's eating it? Who's cooking it

Is he 12? Though there are many 12yo's who wouldn't be as self-absorbed as this.

Sounds like you've bought into the idea that little wifey is the maid who services her man's needs, op

Christ. You're carrying his child and debilitatingly ill because of it. He needs to grow up and get over it and you need to tell him that in no uncertain terms. Her should be helping and supporting an doing all the things any decent human being would do. Does he thinks it'll get any easier once the baby is born and there's sleepless nights and leaking boobs and poo and puke flying around? What a nobber; OP I'm furious for you

And no, she doesn't need him.

Dear God the level of unreality here.

OP I hope you've moved onto a forum where you will get helpful, practical suggestions how to manage and how to get through to your husband, which is what you need right now.

Will he expect you to do all the housework when you're caring for a newborn?

Will he expect you to have regular sex with him when you're up five times a night with that newborn?

Will he complain about not having a social life when neither of you have slept in weeks, all your clothes are spat-up upon and your hormones are running riot?

The problem is not just that he doesn't understand HCG, the problem is that he is all in favour of having a child except for when that inconveniences him.

Yes, hopefully you've found a forum that specialises in helping women to accept appalling treatment from horrible men.

There are loads of them, so you won't have had any trouble.

No, a forum in how to deal with HG would help.

These less-than-subtle hints that she should dump him when she's in the middle of HG are no less than dangerously stupid. If you don't know anything about the reality of HG go and look it up before you post since throwing a support line out (one who does at least do the shopping) when you have HG is a really good way of making yourself so ill your life falls completely apart. Being single and having HG is just not possible. Unless ofc you are suggesting she go for an abortion? Because people have had to do that - often. More often when single, but often enough when in a truly supportive relationship.

Fortunately no doubt the OP is a great deal more sensible than to cut her nose off to spite her face on the basis of ignorant and dangerously stupid advice here.

I'm not in favour of accepting appalling treatment but this man sounds oblivious and selfish and might be able to grow up. Way, way more important than what he is even, if she has HG she needs support not the stress of breaking up the relationship, maybe rehousing, working out benefits and still trying to .. you know ... eat. And even keep her job.

If - if - she wanted to split up then that's for the future when she is well. Not now. Having a newborn baby as long as he/she is healthy is no more difficult, and in fact I think myself notably easier, than having HG.

My god, some posters have one hell of an agenda and no common sense at all. Are you trying to advise destroying this poster's life? Because LTB right now is much more likely to achieve that, than considering a practical and do-able way forward.

Good luck OP, last bit of advice I can give here is take the message away that your husband is really not being reasonable when he complains about sex / housekeeping etc and needs to get a grip.

And yes, HG is a very lonely illness when so few people understand what it's actually like to try to get through it. As some people have patently shown here.

Are you saying,Meerka that the OP has no-one - no-one at all who cares about her except a husband who sulks if he does not get sex, demands entertainment and 'helps' with food!
What a horribly, dangerously isolated position to be in.
Does she have to 'negotiate' and be responsible for 'getting him to see' when she is unwell?
Would you be giving a daughter this advice?

We do not know if she has anyone else to rely on, arthritic. The OP seems to have left the thread.

But when you have HG you are very dependent. This seems to be something that's escaped most people. You are ILL. This is not flu, or if it is it's the real bad version that can put them out of action for months. You cannot do everything yourself. Again, this seems something that people simply aren't taking into account.

So if - IF- she was gonig to leave him she'd have to make very sure that she had enough practical support to simply get through the day. She's well enough that she can manage her job part time, which is great, but that almost certainly takes all her energy and reserves. I venture to guess fairly confidently that for her, it is -either- part time work -or- going shopping everythign else. It's a nasty choice. A lot of people do loose their jobs during HG becuase a lot of employers manage to work around the law.

So she'd need that practical support. Then she'd have to find the emotional strength to end the relationship, not exactly an easy thing even when you are in a position of strength. her partner will almost certainly be angry, upset, pleading, etc etc and maybe would get very awkward. all this takes energy you don't have when you are severely ill with HG.

If she chose to end the relationship she'd absolutely, 100% need intense support and help. There is no choice here. She'd very likely have to move in with her parents, if that's even an option.

Please, arthritic, go and look up what living with HG is like. I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean that to try and communicate what it is like living with it. The actual reality of it and isolation of it. I would -hate- for my daughter to have HG at all. But if she did and if she had an unsupportive partner, then I'd be asking her to move in with me. If for some reason that was impossible then I'd have to say for her own survival and that of the baby, to stay where she was until the baby was born. Some practical help when you have HG is better than no help. Leave after, if it comes to that.

I say again I am NOT in favour of her husband being a selfish idiot. Though he does help a bit and hopefully if something can get through to him, he will improve. But if he doesn't, her life is not going to be improved by jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Her life is very difficult, her husband's moaning is making it worse but if she is left without practical support it could be a great deal worse. As I said, many many women have had to abort when they have HG and no practical support. We don't know if it would be that bad for her. But ending the relationship is not a decision to be made lightly, and quite a bit of the advice here is missing the giant elephant in the room that she is pretty damn dependent atm.

I honestly wonder where a sense of proportion and a sense of understanding the reality of HG has gone on this thread.

.. and if my daughter moved in with me due to HG, I'd be putting my life on hold for the next months. (As my wonderful MIL did with me, though she came to us rather than me to her).

Again, the words are easy to say. But think about the reality of putting everything on hold - all work, commitments, friendships - for several months while you look after someone else. Also the strain on her own relationship, though my FIL is also great. But they were barely home for 6 months and were utterly exhausted when it was all over.

I know you mentioned at the start you've begun to experience a few hours a day when the sickness lifts OP so hope you are better this weekend.

Just to reiterate what Meerka is saying - leaving with HG would be very difficult. Pregnancy makes you vulnerable in itself but HG is incredibly debilitating physically and emotionally. The OP's husband is behaving inexcusably but it's not unusual for people to dismiss HG and think that sufferers can and should 'push through it' because 'pregnancy isn't an illness'.

I was utterly dependent on my husband when I had HG, completely and totally. There is no way I could have looked after myself and certainly not my son the second time around. Fortunately, he was unfalteringly supportive and sympathetic. Iworried about the impact on him because it is very hard to care for someone ill, work ft and run the household doing all chores. He did all that and never complained but I do appreciate how hard it must have been on him. The OP's husband probably thinks that other women function with morning sickness and is failing to comprehend howserious this is. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms. He needs to step up. But even some HCPs are dismissive and unsympathetic of hyperemesis, even family members who are usually caring can be staggeringly tactless and obtuse about it.

The OP needs proper support, but she's ill and vulnerable and needs survival strategies. Unless she has family who can care for her, in which case I'd recommend going to stay with them, the best outcome for her is to make her husband understand what she's going through and to look after her properly. For her sake, I hope he's capable of that.

And when it comes to life with a new born, he might be able to appreciate the challenges of that better as he'll be experiencing it too. He won't necessarily be a terrible father because he's having an empathy failure over this.

Good luck, OP.

Though re-reading the OP, he does sound incredibly selfish and abuse does sometimes start during pregnancy so OP, if he continues to get angry and to put pressure on you then there is help available. Can you talk to your midwife about all of this?

Oh OP, I feel for you. I haven't had HG but am still (at 23 weeks) in the midst of debilitating sickness/nausea. My DH has not complained about his increased workload (including DD(4)). He has spent much of that time having chemotherapy for his bowel cancer diagnosed last year. Your DH needs perspective.

Oh heavens resipa. Best of luck and health to your husband and best of luck to you and babyresipa

Thanks. At least chemo puts sex out of the question . It is true that - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. OP, hope your DH improves and, more importantly, that you stay well. Good luck.

I lost my first pregnancy due to HG.
Lilac you must rest and get medical advice.
Your DH is an idiot. Sorry.

Lilac, I hope you're feeling more able to talk to your DH about things, more confident in what you need to say?

Do you have other RL support?

Thanks for responses ladies. I haven't looked at thread for few days as I've been too ill, but having a better day today.

Meerka, thanks for your excellent advice and the links, they are really useful and DH has been reading them too. For all his faults, he really needs support too and has admitted he feels depressed and isolated.
We had a long chat and he apologised for his behaviour, and he's been trying out tips from the 'support for partners' page. This has made a big difference as the expert strategies he's now using actually help (instead of hindering), so I respond better to his efforts to help, and he in turn feels less ignored and more appreciated.

The last few days I had a bad relapse and was too ill to get out of bed (other than staggering to loo) DH was very supportive and caring. He's seems to find it easier when I'm so ill I need support with everyday things, he really steps up to mark every time this happens. It's when I'm well enough to function (but still feeling dreadful) that he seems to struggle and get demanding. This is when he starts nagging for sex and attention and trying to coax me into going outside with him. The links have really helped him understand why this is so detrimental to HG.

I have no intention of leaving him. I think he will make a great dad. At end of day he is human and HG is very stressful for him as well as for me. Meerka and JellyDinosaurs are right, when you have HG you do need as much support as possible. We recently moved to this area and have no family or friends locally, so we both need to help each other out. However much he annoys me, (or when he behaves in a selfish, childish, infuriating way) I remind myself this is tough for him too, and the better I can help him through it the better he can help me. The Dad's HG forum has been really helpful in showing me how men feel when their wife is suffering with this. That it's normal for dads to have days when they feel angry, lost, lonely, fed-up, exhausted, scared, overwhelmed etc. Since talking it all through with DH he's been a lot better at managing his feelings and talking about them instead of getting cross or nagging.

I'm glad you feel things are going better, OP, and thanks for updating.

Best of luck with the pregnancy.

Glad situation is improving OP.

Still can't believe he is 'nagging for sex' after all this.

Very glad your husband is understanding better how to help!

The last few days I had a bad relapse and was too ill to get out of bed (other than staggering to loo)

ahem, on a very practical note a small bucket/bowl with a bit of water in the bottom can help. the water makes it easier to clean (assuming you are going to the loo for the upchucking).

For the more usual purpose of the toilet, you can hire chairs with a hole and bowl undernearth, that can be way easier than struggling to the loo. It's neither dignified nor nice, but that's life with HG!! We had one for months.

poppy i think the OP meant by 'nagging for sex' and 'trying to coax her outside" that that's when he did up until reading the specialist HG forums, because she went on to say "The links have really helped him understand why this is so detrimental to HG." I think she means he's stopped doing this (at least I certainly hope so).

Would it be possible for him to go out and do social things without you? Couples are allowed to socialize separately.

Have you explained to him that, even when you're doing well enough to function, that you're not back to normal? Maybe he thinks you're feeling better than you are. (I'm being super charitable here)

Do men know just how attractive women find being nagged for sex? Nothing more likely to get me in the mood than nagging about sex like any other chore, I tell you what. Nagging about chores or going to work is super attractive, too- well, maybe if you have a weird Oedipus or Electra complex, it is.

Oh I think I get it Meerka. Let's hope so!