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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please talk some sense into me!

47 replies

mollyfinger · 08/04/2015 15:04

I know I am going to be flamed so have name changed.

For over a year I have been having an affair, we are both married to other people and have been for 15 plus years.

I have school age children and I know what I am doing is totally wrong but I cant stop. It started off as a bit of fun as my sex life with my DH is not very often and bless him is not the best but I know that is not an excuse.

OM makes me feel so special and we are in love with each other. He does love his DW and I love DH but are in love with each other but despite telling myself I should end it and have tried on several occasions the thought of not having OM in my life is impossible. We talk at least once a day in the week and meet up once or twice a week for a drink etc and could talk for hours. It is def not just sex but that is very good.

However I KNOW I have to end it and what I really want is to stay friends with the OM as we get on so well but stop the affair. I just don't know how to walk away as he makes me feel so special.

I have never done anything like this before and now I have experienced these feelings I realise that I have never been really in love before or experienced a sex like I have with OM and I wish I had not got involved as it just makes me realise what true love feels like and I can never have this feeling In my real life. My DH is a good man and father there is just no chemistry.

So please advise me how to end this affair.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 15:10

what I really want is to stay friends with the OM as we get on so well but stop the affair.

That's just not practical or possible. You know full well you'd be back in bed within weeks.

If you are so well-matched and great friends as well as lovers, then you'd both have left your spouses already.

Tell him it's over
Delete him from Facebook/Twitter/your phone and actually block his number on your phone
Set up a filter to route any emails from him straight to delete
If you socialise in any similar places, change your routines.

That's how you end it.

TheNewSchmoo · 08/04/2015 15:11

Why do you want to stay in your marriage?

Fairenuff · 08/04/2015 15:13

I don't think there is any way to end it OP. You love each other so much I don't think it's possible. Like you say, you have tried so hard and it's just impossible. I think you had better carry on as you are, having amazing sex and feeling so very special.

Original poster
mollyfinger · 08/04/2015 15:15

TheNewSchmoo - because we have children together and because I love my DH I am just not in love with him.

I know I have been a selfish cow I have been with DH since I was 17 and I think I was just interested to see what I was missing and now I know I wish I had never found out.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 08/04/2015 15:55

The grass is greener where you water it.

siblingrevelryagain · 08/04/2015 15:59

You have young children. What sort of mother jeopardises their future happiness and security by cheating on their father?

You don't need sense talking into you, you need to walk away from your poor husband and let him find someone who will live him better than you do.

duckandcover · 08/04/2015 16:07

You just end it. And then you prepare to be hit by the worst pain you can ever imagine, that you can't even tell anyone about. You'll end up crying whilst your DH holds you knowing all the time if he could see inside your head and know you were grieving being in bed with OM then your family life as it is would be over. I am not judging. I just want you to be ready for how bad it will inevitably be. Because an affair must end just as it has a beginning. And you either live with silent fucking agony or blow your life apart, but you cannot stay on the fence.

Jan45 · 08/04/2015 16:10

He makes you feel special when you are getting sloppy seconds, okay then, it sounds like you are so bored with your husband that you actually think you have something good, you don't, it's incredibly seedy and horrible for both families, I think you are kidding yourself.

If your marriage is that bad then just end it, do the decent thing, don't scurry about like a rat trying not to get caught out, it's really not cool.

GoadyFuckAaargh · 08/04/2015 16:13

do neither of your other spouses even suspect at all? how do you go about covering your tracks?

I find it hard to believe that you are 'in love' with each other. because you share your life with someone you are in love with, not the idea of a life together.

sleeping, living, sharing household tasks, diy, holidays, children, school runs, depending on someone to chip in wherever. ...you cannot love someone without knowing how they are in all these scenarios and more...

what you have is selfish lust I'm afraid.

talk is cheap. if you love each other then set your poor suffering spouses free

VanitasVanitatum · 08/04/2015 16:14

'You'll end up crying whilst your DH holds you'

Cannot even express how sickening that sentence is. How can someone even contemplate the kind of betrayal that encompasses. How could you accept love and compassion from someone you have hurt so deeply, did they but know it.

You need to leave your husband, you both need to move on.

FredaMayor · 08/04/2015 16:15

So please advise me how to end this affair.

You did this so just say Goodbye to OM. It sounds like you are hooked on the buzz of the affair so ending it will hurt but do you want the alternative - your DH finds out (as he will eventually), you either try to stay together with trust issues on his side and loads of guilt on yours, or you split up - lucky DCs.

That 'love' or 'in love' idea is nonsense - unless you are beating a dead horse don't be thinking with your loins but work on your marriage instead and water DHs grass, as Quitelikely suggests.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 16:18

And then you prepare to be hit by the worst pain you can ever imagine, that you can't even tell anyone about.

You must have a pretty piss-poor imagination Hmm

That all sounds very dramatic and to my thinking, just encourages the whole "star crossed lovers" bullshit.

OP has been banging this guy because he makes her hot in the pants dept and her DH doesn't. End of. That's what it boils down to.

shovetheholly · 08/04/2015 16:18

You said: "it just makes me realise what true love feels like and I can never have this feeling In my real life".

This is at the very core of why many people have an affair. It's an unattainable relationship, and they are addicted not to the person but to the ideal that it represents. Unfortunately, instead of realising that ideal, the affair acts as a distraction, making it appear that you have something that you do not actually possess.

I think you need to stop and have a good think about why you don't feel that you deserve a happy and legitimate relationship in either your marriage or your affair. And then you will probably want and need to leave BOTH men for a fresh start.

GoadyFuckAaargh · 08/04/2015 16:19

are you both still sleeping with your spouses?

Jan45 · 08/04/2015 16:22

Pocket has it in a nutshell.

Oh the pain, lol...........aye right.

duckandcover · 08/04/2015 17:31

I don't think I made it sound romantic. I described it exactly as how grotesque, sickening, disgusting and fucked-up as it is to trash your own life and the lives of the people you really love with some deluded fantasy of your own making.

1moreRep · 08/04/2015 17:42

I am not judging you, however, it is not a real relationship you are having with your lover as it is based on running around and hiding etc. Therefore it will feel more extreme, more intense and you will grieve this and your relationship with him. You will then have to deal with this on your own- and to be honest I think duckandcover described it perfectly.

then you will eventually get over it and feel bored again and end up meeting someone- the only way to fix the problem is ending your relationship with both men and building your own life.

Infidelity is like dye in water- you can dilute it with time and more water but it will never be the same again imho

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/04/2015 18:23

I also agree with duckandcover's post. It doesn't sound romantic, it sounds desperately sad and that's what it is. I think that if people could feel the pain for just a moment, before the affair ever started, it wouldn't.

OP is asking how to end the affair. How about taking that at face value rather than making her feel worse about this horrid situation she's in? If OM's wife posts then you can tell her how awful people like OP are, if that's what validates you and makes you feel better.

MiniTheMinx · 08/04/2015 18:36

Duck has described it perfectly.

OP, you were 17, so young and yes it is possible that you have never been in love with your DH, and it is also possible to have outgrown him.

Unlike the others, I think you need to think very carefully whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you are not in love with. Your husband deserves more, but so do you.

As for the comments alluding to your responsibility as a mother, your responsibility is to parent your children whether that be with your DH, single or with someone else. The advice is often LTB and few people stay put for the sake of their children. If ending this affair and resigning yourself to a life halved lived leads to you being miserable, then you are going to effect your children's lives.

I have stayed in a relationship for nine years past the point I really wanted to for the sake of my children. I was committed to doing the right thing. I have lost count of the times people have said that I should have left, for the sake of my children. I have not been miserable. However I have not given up the person I am in love with to do so.

My point is this, you live once and if this OM really is the one for you, and he feels the same, you might as well be happy. Plenty of people split up, meet new partners and play mix and match families. Ok, so you two have gone about it in the wrong way.

Lastly, although the aggrieved partners feel betrayed, this is illogical because no one would choose to love someone who didn't feel the same way about them. Why should they settle for being second best or just a compromise, who wants to be with someone who doesn't love them anyway. Your DH and his wife deserve better too.

Original poster
mollyfinger · 08/04/2015 19:42

Firstly thank you for all your responses, some very intelligent and helpful responses. I know the pain ahead will be bad but I really don't want to hurt my dh and I know it will break his heart if he found out. Om will not leave his dw due to their kids but I know it is more than that between them. Feel like an idiot but I know what I need to do, I keep saying each morning I will end it with him but then he is do sweet and tells me how much he loves me and makes me melt and somehow my resolve goes!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 08/04/2015 19:47

I told you OP, there is no point trying.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 08/04/2015 19:50

Try imaging how your kids will feel when they find out.

Having been that child finding out that my parent was having an affair, it is not good. I locked it up inside and didn't tell anyone. It ate away at me for years. It really messed up my early sexual relationships, and to be honest still has an effect.

Although I've tried to resists it I know deep down it still affects how I see my father. 30 years later. I think less of him, and trust him less in general Sad

Btw my father thought he was being really careful, and no one would ever know. Just in case you think that angle is covered.

Either leave your husband or leave the other man you are fucking.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 08/04/2015 19:53

Btw if the om loves you so much why won't he respect your choice to end it?

Original poster
mollyfinger · 08/04/2015 20:04

Hanging I dont think I am persitsnt enough
When I try to end it!!!!

Also even more sadly I have also been that
Child and my father left my dm to be with his Om. I think that is why I chose dh who was safe and kind !!!!

OP posts:
HangingInAGruffaloStance · 08/04/2015 20:10

Try to strengthen your resolve then.

You don't have to stay with your husband, but you do need to make a decision.

Keep in mind your kids could find out in any number of ways, not just by being sat down and told about a split in a controlled manner. It's really shit having your childhood overshadowed by crappy behaviour of your parents. Don't be that parent!

Keep in mind Yoda's wisdom "do or do not. There is no try".

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