Please talk some sense into me!

[mollyfinger]

I know I am going to be flamed so have name changed.

For over a year I have been having an affair, we are both married to other people and have been for 15 plus years.

I have school age children and I know what I am doing is totally wrong but I cant stop. It started off as a bit of fun as my sex life with my DH is not very often and bless him is not the best but I know that is not an excuse.

OM makes me feel so special and we are in love with each other. He does love his DW and I love DH but are in love with each other but despite telling myself I should end it and have tried on several occasions the thought of not having OM in my life is impossible. We talk at least once a day in the week and meet up once or twice a week for a drink etc and could talk for hours. It is def not just sex but that is very good.

However I KNOW I have to end it and what I really want is to stay friends with the OM as we get on so well but stop the affair. I just don't know how to walk away as he makes me feel so special.

I have never done anything like this before and now I have experienced these feelings I realise that I have never been really in love before or experienced a sex like I have with OM and I wish I had not got involved as it just makes me realise what true love feels like and I can never have this feeling In my real life. My DH is a good man and father there is just no chemistry.

So please advise me how to end this affair.

I agree with duckandcover's description. If it's just about being hot in the pants dept, this would not be so difficult to rationalise. I think if you want to stay with DH, you must end it asap with OM and try to give yourself a lot of space from him. If you can't imagine your life without him, you need to start thinking about whether you have a future with him and not your DH and how that may sour. I think to preserve maximum dignity and not to hurt others, end it. But if ending it will devastate you and the relationship with DH will fall apart anyway, I don't know actually if the right thing really is the right thing after all.
bit unhelpful sorry

So, now there is more to OM staying with his wife, it isn't just because of his children? is this right?

So, would it be fair to say, that although he says he loves you, you don't believe he loves you enough. Enough to leave his wife, or as much as you love him. But he won't let you go even though you try to end it? is this right?

Well, so could it be that if you were really sure of his feelings and sure he felt as much and would leave his wife that you would leave your DH? But then it might also be that he really doesn't love you and is just having his cake and eat it. He knows how you feel, he will let you risk your marriage, to play a game where all the odds are stacked against you. What a charmer.

If it really is that you want to put your children first, you want to protect them, you love your husband and you don't want to leave him, you have just one choice. End it with OM. In fact it now begs the question how the hell did you fall into this affair.

OP you obviously want to do the right thing and I'm not gonna slam you because I've had an affair. It's shit behaviour, I knew it and you know it. I ended it and you can too. (It definitely was nowhere near the worst pain I've ever had in my life, either, but then I've been through a lot of shit, so whatever.)

Follow my words in that first post I made way up thread. Practically speaking, it's that simple. That's how you cut contact. Then the real work starts, the work on yourself and your marriage. You can do this.

Thank you for the support and wise words, I don't deserve it but I will stand strong it is my H I want to be with and I need to tell Om it is over. Thank you

You need to do more than end things with the om. You need to tell your husband so he can go get himself tested for STI's.

Good luck mollifinger, and please be kind to yourself, and your DH too.

I think duckandcover has it and also quitelikey, the grass is indeed where you water it.

I think you shouldn't tell your DH, but see a counsellor to sort yourself out, and get tested for sexually transmissible diseases.

Not to worry about those who judge, they aren't in your shoes, and don't know all the particulars.

I know a lot of people who have had affairs, some with the knowledge of the DW and DH, and it's never a simple "but what about your vows" question as some people aren't christian and haven't made any vows.

It's always complicated, and sad when it ends.

After counselling you and your DH should go on hols together if you can to reconnect.

Let us know how life turns out for you all.

The grass is indeed greener where you water it, I mean!

After counselling you and your DH should go on hols together if you can to reconnect.

Is this the cheater's version of a 'spa day' solution?

But what about the crap sex with your dh? Is that all you have to look forward to for the rest of your life.

How can you post such self indulgent crap on a site where women post about their broken hearts because of people like you ?

No it's not the spa version, just a practical solution to reconnect with her DH if she chooses to live with him for the rest of her life.

Crap sex isn't much to look forward to, and having time to spend away from kids, somewhere else to break up routine might be the start of a beautiful thing, or it might not, but best to hope for the best and give it a shot.

Maras2 easy tiger, there are things here that we cannot judge because we are not in their shoes. Sorry if you've had an unfaithful spouse, and take "self indulgent crap" personally, but being angry at the op won't solve that now will it?
The op is a human being, with problems, and has a right to post where she will get support, as you do.

Do you think your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him exactly as he is? Its not fair for him to be plan b.

So, you are going to stand strong, so what is your plan? How are you going to do this? what are you going to do when he contacts you, will you crumble and how will you ensure this won't happen?

Plus, as others have said there is a moral issue around whether your DH has a right to know so that he can make his choices from a position of knowledge. Would you like to be kept in the dark to protect your own happiness, or would you prefer to know? Does he have a right to know? What do you think?

I am inclined to think that no one has a right, obligation or moral duty to shield others from the truth, we only have an obligation to tell the truth. What others do with that is up to them. No one has a right to direct the lives of others, to manipulate or coerce a situation, to bring about an outcome that effects another person by denying that person full autonomy. Someone can only be in control of their destiny and have autonomy if others respect their right to the truth. Otherwise we become puppets in the plays of other people.

I have been where you are now and I opted for the truth.

How do you end it?

You tell him you aren't seeing him any more then stick to it.

And all that guff about finishing things being "the worst pain imaginable" what a crock of shit!

I too have had affairs.
It changes you. You have to be secretive and lie and cover your tracks and never ever speak to anyone about something which is so intense and takes up a huge amount of your head-space. Secrecy leads to anxiety. You worry about STDs. Guilt makes it hard to communicate openly with your DP. They will know there is something not right even if you have been careful - not bought fancy underwear - "had to stay late at the office" - oh another leaving do that I must attend etc etc.
In my case my H does not know. I was extremely careful. He has been pretty unbearable for years, angry all the time, would blow up at the slightest thing, very very negative about everything, hiding away in the evenings watching films alone for hours - so things were bad anyway. NOT that I am trying to justify what I did.
I am only now realising the damage and betrayal both to H and myself.
Unfortunately I think it may be too late, our relationship may be past saving - because very sadly I cant admit to what I did. Admitting it to H would mean massive pain for him, which I would like to avoid (yes of course the other motive for not telling him is the accepting betrayal myself).

Over the last year I had an emotional affair - now ended - which did NOT progress to physical, but has had a profound effect. I realized how a relationship can be kind and supportive and curious and caring.

We ended the emotional affair by mutual agreement a couple of months ago. Little presents handed back. Number deleted from phone. Can't go entirely No Contact because of a couple of work things where we see each other. However all other contact is stopped. It was hard. For a few weeks I missed him intensely. You just have to be really persistent, like you say OP, keep reminding yourself why you need to do this. And support yourself in other ways, get some exercise, eat properly, see friends (but not to talk about your ex-lover), I dunno, buy a Rabbit.

By the way I find it strange that so few people on MN talk about having affairs themselves, it is kind of taboo. Well done for posting and opening up about it Mollyfinger.
I prepare to be flamed.

Oh yes, and "no sex ever again" was one of the things I have to face too.
Don't quite know how I will manage that yet.

Thank you for sharing Damnstatistics - I was not expecting the support I have had and have been surprised by the PM's I have had from people saying they have been or are in a similar situation - nothing to be proud of but does show it is ore common than I realised. I started today with the determination to end it and told OM this morning I would not be going on an overnight in a hotel we had booked for next week and that I did not want to be the "other women" anymore. He has just dropped some bits back to me and he looked gorgeous and a very nice hug turned to a kiss but that was all and he was here less than 10 minutes and now I realise that this will be difficult and I will need to break all contact with him (we have no work/friend connections). I love him so much but we can never be together and I don't want an affair. All my stupid fault for starting this!!!

You've done the right thing, OP, you just need to stay strong and follow through.

I would not tell your H unless you've not been using condoms, in which case go get yourself tested asap for STIs. From a personal point of view, if something is over and done with, I'd rather not know.

I'm sorry, you sound ridiculously immature. And it's not complicated, or special. It's simple. You are a cheat. And cheating on your husband is bad enough , but you are also cheating on your children.

You have to cut off all contact. It's the only way.

I'm not all that sympathetic, I'm been the victim of an affair, but fine, you've woken up to what you have been doing and want to end it. If you think you'll be heartbroken I promise you it is nothing compared to the heartbreak of knowing someone you love has been lying to you every single day, and jumping between sexual partners.

STI tests are really important. It's down to you whether to come clean to your husband or not, but at very least you must get tested urgently yourself. Even if you've used condoms, as they aren't 100% protection.

Well done mollyfinger. Hope you are OK. Things will get easier in a few weeks. Good that OM agreed (quite easily it seems?) and it seems to be over from his side as well.

Nothing about what you are doing is right, or OK or romantic. But let me tell you how I know.
I was like you. I had a DH I loved but there was no passion or spark. His friends and the football were more important than me at every turn. We didn't have children, and he didn't want them. Our sex life was shit, and virtually non existent but I carried on because after all, I'd married him. I must have been in love with him.
Then I met an OM. Older than me by 11 years, married with a grown up child. He made me realise I was just treading water and that my whole life was just a humdrum bowl of misery soup. We fell in love before we started an affair but then both, very quickly, left our spouses for each other. Two years on and we are still together and its a perfect relationship - we are deeply in love and I do think we are all those clichéd star-crossed things you hear of. Sounds idyllic, huh?
BUT... you you have no idea of the pain and hurt you will cause. My family don't really speak to me anymore, it damaged the relationship my now Fiancé has with his son, and it broke the hearts of our spouses (you might say that mine at least deserved it, but that's pretty cynical, I know). I lost friends because of it and I've had to start a new life and make new friends. Let me tell you, in your mid-30s that's not a easy fucking place to be. For me its been worth it because we are happy, but I know the way it happened was wrong and cruel.
If you don't want to be found out you have to end it. I couldn't go on with the affair- it only went on for about a month before I made a decision and left the DH as the stress was too much and I knew I had to be with the OM. If your DH finds out about it, he might leave you- then what? What result do you want out of this thing?
You have to look at it from a helicopter view and think about what the worst outcome could possibly be. Will you lose your family? Your home? All for a man who wont leave his wife? Come on, really, you need to get a grip. If he was going to leave and really loved you, you'd be together by now. I know this from experience because I'm living it right now.
If my fiancé hadn't left his DW for me, I'd still have left the DH because I was miserable. Are you miserable? Sounds to me like you are. And you might turn your world upside down in making yourself happy, but in truth that's all you need to be in life, so why wouldn't you?