Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

[AlessandraLuna]

DH has always been quite lazy in the house, and with the children, preferring to do the laziest quickest option for everything and to do as little as possible so he can just please himself. He is, however, quick to moan at me about any mess or housework that isn't done. I have pulled him up so many times on his lack of doing anything in the house/interaction with the children but he basically stonewalls me.

We both work outside of the home.

At the end of last week I became ill with a virus, and have been very poorly and in bed for 5 days. Luckily I have annual leave this week and DH had the easter weekend off work.

Basically, whilst I was ill, he did nothing. I think today getting up and seeing the actual mess of the house properly has just filled me with rage. The kids were left to their own devices. 5 year old DS hasn't been bathed or showered since Sunday. No laundry has been done; DH refused when I was ill to wash any of my pyjamas or underwear and as a result I have had no nightwear for the past couple of days even though I had a very high temperature and was sweating a lot. I have no clean underwear today and have currently got a load whizzing round in the tumble drier.

The house is just such a minging, filthy state; toilets horrendous, carpets dirty (we have dogs), stuff everywhere, rubbish everywhere. No basics done at all. I think DH went to the local shop twice when I was ill but that was only to get crap like crisps and sweets. He didn't do any proper food shopping.

I am so cross and upset; when DH is ill I basically carry on as normal, doing cleaning/cooking/looking after the kids etc, and look after him too. I would never dream of leaving him with no clean underwear when he is physically incapable of doing any washing himself.

He has done this before when I've had illnesses in the past. To be fair I am not ill often but if it is ever bad enough that I simply can't carry on and have to go to bed, DH just downs tools too and sits around.

I tried to speak to him a bit about it this morning and he said he didn't know what I was on about as he's "let me have a few days in bed" and basically said what more do I want?

What I actually want is to be married to an adult who takes responsibility for his house and is actually happy to co-parent his children. Not someone who just doesn't give a fuck.

This is feeling like a dealbreaker for me, it really is. I am still feeling not well, but I'm better than I was, I guess it's post viral fatigue, and I feel resentful that instead I have got so much to do in the house that he could have just done as he went along over the weekend and saved me the hassle.

Absolute deal breaker.

Read "wife work" and be enlightened, oh yes you don't have time because in practical terms you're a single parent with an adult sized child...

Being "exceptionally selfish and unhelpful" after the birth of DC1 would have been deal-breaker time for me. You set your bar far too low Alessandra. It sounds like the only positive he contributes to the relationship is financial - let's face it, he's a shit husband and a shit parent - and that's only on the assumption he shares bill paying. Oh, and he made a useful sperm donor too I suppose. Apart from that he serves no useful purpose whatsoever.

AlessandraLuna

Is your husband not helping with children and household chores a new thing? If not then it seems the fact that you both work and you solely are expected to do the 'wife work' is what is upsetting you. Were you once a stay at home mum?

You are going to have a sit down discussion with your husband about this. My I suggest you read 'love & respect'. Also 'The language of love & respect' both by dr.emerson eggerichs first.

Woops, pressed enter too soon.

Get him to read both book also. If he is initaly unwilling, give him excerpts.

Your situation can be turned around!

I sympathise. And of course he should have done more but he didn't. There is a lot of work involved in running a house as most of us know. But if you usually do everything he doesn't see it as his job. I hope you can save the relationship but from now on he does a share of the chores. But if he is generally lazy and a total pain then you should think about whether you want to continue the relationship.

My exh was similar to this and I found out just how neglectful he was towards our DC during a bad bout of flu many years ago. I've never regretted getting divorced because I am now married to a much kinder man who would not dream of behaving this way.

This man will not change and you deserve so much better.

100% deal breaker.

It's not just lack of domestic skills, though, is it? My DH would struggle, and he'd be up and down the stairs for advice and info on all aspects of our domestic arrangements, with some "poor me" thrown in. But he'd do it. He wouldn't refuse, or suggest I do it myself because I seemed strong enough to think I'd like some clean knickers.