Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be a dealbreaker for you?

83 replies

AlessandraLuna · 08/04/2015 14:15

DH has always been quite lazy in the house, and with the children, preferring to do the laziest quickest option for everything and to do as little as possible so he can just please himself. He is, however, quick to moan at me about any mess or housework that isn't done. I have pulled him up so many times on his lack of doing anything in the house/interaction with the children but he basically stonewalls me.

We both work outside of the home.

At the end of last week I became ill with a virus, and have been very poorly and in bed for 5 days. Luckily I have annual leave this week and DH had the easter weekend off work.

Basically, whilst I was ill, he did nothing. I think today getting up and seeing the actual mess of the house properly has just filled me with rage. The kids were left to their own devices. 5 year old DS hasn't been bathed or showered since Sunday. No laundry has been done; DH refused when I was ill to wash any of my pyjamas or underwear and as a result I have had no nightwear for the past couple of days even though I had a very high temperature and was sweating a lot. I have no clean underwear today and have currently got a load whizzing round in the tumble drier.

The house is just such a minging, filthy state; toilets horrendous, carpets dirty (we have dogs), stuff everywhere, rubbish everywhere. No basics done at all. I think DH went to the local shop twice when I was ill but that was only to get crap like crisps and sweets. He didn't do any proper food shopping.

I am so cross and upset; when DH is ill I basically carry on as normal, doing cleaning/cooking/looking after the kids etc, and look after him too. I would never dream of leaving him with no clean underwear when he is physically incapable of doing any washing himself.

He has done this before when I've had illnesses in the past. To be fair I am not ill often but if it is ever bad enough that I simply can't carry on and have to go to bed, DH just downs tools too and sits around.

I tried to speak to him a bit about it this morning and he said he didn't know what I was on about as he's "let me have a few days in bed" and basically said what more do I want?

What I actually want is to be married to an adult who takes responsibility for his house and is actually happy to co-parent his children. Not someone who just doesn't give a fuck.

This is feeling like a dealbreaker for me, it really is. I am still feeling not well, but I'm better than I was, I guess it's post viral fatigue, and I feel resentful that instead I have got so much to do in the house that he could have just done as he went along over the weekend and saved me the hassle.

OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 08/04/2015 14:45

Deal breaker - I don't see how he can love you. I just don't. While I wouldn't say make a hasty decision, don't forget how you feel now when you are better.

Original poster
AlessandraLuna · 08/04/2015 14:45

He also said that if I was well enough to think about washing then I was well enough to wash them myself....

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2015 14:48

Oh OP that's actually made me rather cross

I was poorly a few weeks back.

My BF (we don't live together) waited on myhand and foot, going out to get me food I fancied, changing the bed for me, washing my hair in the bath, generally being sypathetic and kind. He even brought me a ball upstairs soI could ring it to summon him. THAT is what you do for someone you love.

Your DH is a selfish lazy arsehole. Who wants to be with one of those?

paddlenorapaddle · 08/04/2015 14:49

deal breaker stop doing anything for him just feed you and DD don't do his washing or anything

Gather his mess up and dump it on his side of the bed in a heap

BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2015 14:49

No a ball. That would be odd. A bell!

TropicalHorse · 08/04/2015 14:49

Definite dealbreaker! Ltb!!

WicksEnd · 08/04/2015 14:54

Dealbreaker. What's the point of being with a tosser that you have to clean up after? Serve him his notice.

tallwivglasses · 08/04/2015 14:57

The washing. comment did it for me. He sees you as a servant and has no respect for you. Tosser Angry

base9 · 08/04/2015 14:59

OMG. That is truly awful. I cannot imagine that he refused to wash your PJs- of course you wanted fresh. And to fail to care for his own dc and home...

That is way beyond a dealbreaker, OP. Truly awful. I hope you are feeling better.

In the immediate, do you have any deeply understanding friends or family members who can help with the mess? Could you afford to call an agency and have the floors and bathrooms and kitchen blitzed clean?

Then kick that lazy, selfish, mean-spirited arse back where he came from.

ARoomWithoutAView · 08/04/2015 15:07

What I actually want is to be married to an adult who takes responsibility for his house and is actually happy to co-parent his children. Not someone who just doesn't give a fuck.

So why do we all even need to reply to your post. You know what you want, so go and get it. Smile

DorothyBastard · 08/04/2015 15:14

Total dealbreaker. He is horrible. I wouldn't treat someone I disliked the way he's treated you, let alone the person I am supposed to love above all others. He's a fucking dick.

OnlyLovers · 08/04/2015 15:34

I can't even really answer this because I just can't imagine an adult behaving like this. Shock

Seriously, kick him out.

I can't even summon the humour to make an 'LTB' joke.

McButtonwillow · 08/04/2015 16:27

Absolute deal breaker. You may as well have been a single parent and ill. He sounds completely selfish and uncaring as well as disrespectful of all that you do. He "let you" have a few days in bed? What an utter tool. Get rid op.

BreakWindandFire · 08/04/2015 16:41

Years ago when I first started going out with DP, I came down with a terrible virus. I had a temping job at the time and knew I would have to go to work the next day regardless of how ill I was otherwise I couldn't afford to eat or pay the rent. But I could hardly stand up.

Without being asked, DP traveled across London to my house in order to iron my work clothes for the next day and feed me. Because he's a decent and thoughtful man. I'm not telling you this to be smug, but to point out that your 'D'P is not showing even the most basic regard for you, when you are married, have kids and are in the same house.

shovetheholly · 08/04/2015 16:46

It would be a dealbreaker for me, for sure.

The thing about a relationship is that it's not just there for the sunny times. You will get ill - hopefully it'll be nothing more than flu, but (god forbid) it might be more serious. And what happens then? Don't you deserve someone who can take care of you?

Also, from what you have written, you must be hugely overburdened with domestic labour every single day. It sounds as though he never lifts a finger. That is not on. I don't care how hard he works, when he's home, he can help.

My ex was like your DP and dumping him was immensely freeing. I'm now married to a guy who knows where the hoover is - and can use it! I don't spend my entire time nagging and huffing and feeling like a skivvy! It is seriously brilliant.

GiveOverLuv · 08/04/2015 16:50

Yes, dealbreaker for me.

Its just shows complete piss-taking lack of respect for you, a lack of self- respect on his part and really crappy parenting for your kids, too.

DH and I are bth busy people with fairly low housework standard, but we do 50/50 housework and childcare, and if one of us is ill, the other takes on 100%. The housework might slip slightly, but there would be shopping in, food cooked, the washing would be done, the DC's lives would carry on as normal (proper food, clean clothes, baths etc) and DH would look after meif I were unwell - bring me cups of tea, check in on me, find out if I needed anything from the shop, run me a bath etc.

Your DH's attitude doesnt say 'love', does it?

feministwithtitsin · 08/04/2015 16:55

What a prick!

He wouldn't even wash your clothes when you were ill? He didnt bathe his 5 year old child? I bet he was washed in clean clothes tho.

Mans an arse. Deal breaker.

tribpot · 08/04/2015 16:58

Your period of illness has only magnified an existing problem. You both work outside the home yet all domestic work not only falls to you but he feels entitled to reprimand you when the work is not done to his satisfaction. Who the fuck does he think he is?

I hope that as of now all domestic labour for him with cease, with the rejoinder 'if you feel well enough to ask why the washing hasn't been done, you can do it yourself'. However, I simply would not tolerate living with someone who treated me with such a lack of respect. I don't think you want to any more, either.

loveareadingthanks · 08/04/2015 17:01

Yes, it would be a dealbreaker for me, these days. It wasn't in the past and I regret that very much.

'He's not a kind man.' That's it in a nutshell. The attitude goes much deeper than the events of a few days.

FenellaFellorick · 08/04/2015 17:07

oh yes. It would be.

what is the actual point of him?

He views you as a domestic appliance. He's installed you in the home and expects you to do everything so that he can do nothing. Fuck that. And on top of that - you also hold down a job! So he can't even make the (flawed but that's another topic!) argument that it's split that way.

If you love someone, then you want to make their life easier, not harder. If you love someone, then you want to take care of them particularly when they're ill. If you love someone, you want to work as a team with them.

If you choose not to do any of these things, and just have an easy life by stealing theirs, then I have to question if you love them at all.

ImperialBlether · 08/04/2015 17:13

It would be a dealbreaker for me. The way he's behaved (now and at the births of your children) would make me look at him in a new light. The new light shows him to be selfish, uncaring and unkind. Who wants to live like that?

You do know that your children will copy his behaviour? If you were a single mum your children would have rallied round - even small children can put things in the washing machine etc if you tell them clearly what to do. They have watched how he's treated you and that is now in their minds that that is what you do when your mum/wife is ill.

I wouldn't make a huge decision now when you're ill, but I'd certainly be getting my ducks in a row as soon as I was better.

AuntieDee · 08/04/2015 17:13

If he's well enough to think about washing his clothes he can do his own? I'd stop cooking and washing for him - let him sort himself out... As far as the housework goes - it depends on what you can cope with. I have, in the past, put a lock on the main bathroom and only allowed my ex access to the shower room/loo. I cleaned 'my' bathroom and he cleaned his. He didn't actually clean his but I didn't have to look at it and what's more, didn't have to clean the bath before and after bathing...

Cygnet44 · 08/04/2015 17:16

Yes absolutely would be a deal breaker for me. Is this actually an adult man we are talking about? Sounds like he's happy to be looked after and taken care of by you but is unable to step up to the mark when you need it. He's a boy not a man! Send him back to his mother!!

Handywoman · 08/04/2015 17:17

I had an ex like this.

Binning him was utterly liberating.

I now have a new fella - he pulls his weight, is considerate, and he adds so much to my life - imagine that, OP!

My children are happy and have a much better role model in their lives.

Please, for your sanity, self-respect and your children - LTB.

Zamboni · 08/04/2015 17:26

Yes, absolutely. There is no way DH would behave like this and no way would I tolerate it. He'd be told to shape up or ship out.

You poor thing - being ill is rubbish enough without all the stress of mess and dirt too. Thanks