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Original poster

At 35 history of bad and toxic relationships

38 replies

mysparkleismissing · 08/04/2015 14:11

I don't think in 20 years of dating I've had more than one decent relationship.

is it me or them or am I turning the men I date into not nice men

I have made some bad decisions yes and I do take a while to end a relationship that I (when i eventually admit it to myself) has no future.

several key relationships have been
6 months then he went off with my mate

a few months then I walked away as he fancied me friend and couldn't decide between us

2 years with a depressed alcoholic

9 months long distamce with a guy who tried to sleep with my best friend

1 year with an insecure control freak

4 years with a man who would never accept any blame for anything that was going wrong. Our relationship ended up being really unhealthy almost on the verge of emotionally abusive. have a 3yo from this relationship we eventually split for good when our son was 1 he was planned and wanted but we just stopped making each other happy did one counselling session and my ex refused to go back. ended 2 years ago

the last (short term) few have been one that was too nice and 2 who just disappeared into thin air.

I'm not a monster. I work ft. own my own home. yes I'm. suffering with depression at the moment and have on and off over the years.

my self esteem is shit. I've not recently got into a relationship when I've been suffering from depression but I'm aware it's lurking in the back ground

I was bullied at school. my parents have a non existent relationship they just exist they should have got divorced many years ago. And my dad is very critical and being the youngest sibling mum and I have always got the brunt of it.

what's wrong with me.....

I don't want to be alone forever but I don't trust my judgement. I dunno how to turn this pattern around and how to undo the damage these relationships have caused.

Thanks for reading...

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 14:29

And my dad is very critical and being the youngest sibling mum and I have always got the brunt of it.

I think this is where the problem is probably stemming back from. A) Your dad made you feel shit growing up so you don't really believe in yourself as a worthwhile human who deserves respect, and your mum failed to protect you from that abuse. B) Your parents' relationship is broken and so you have no real "model" or "picture" of what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like.

Therefore you're getting into relationships and when they go wrong, where a person with a "normal" upbringing might say "Errr, not having this, I'm off" - you're carrying on.

Obviously this is a really simplistic view, but I think you will find it's at the root of your problems.

Good news - it's possible to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and how to set your boundaries.

It seems like you are pretty settled money-wise - can you afford to see a private counsellor to start sorting through these issues? I would look for someone who specialises in self-esteem work. You can search by area and specialism on the BACP website.

You also might want to check out the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 08/04/2015 15:25

Thanks for your reply pocket.

i start a course of counselling on Thursday. I'm hoping to focus on my self esteem and I'm sure it'll all come to light.

I was hoping for cbt/NLP maybe she can recommend someone as I don't think she does this kind of approach.

I just feel unlovable and like I'm never good enough Sad Sad

OP posts:
Minnie11 · 08/04/2015 20:16

I share a good few similarities with you Mysparkleismissing, I've gone for so many wrong guys and like you've I've had a very critical father so never thought I was worth anymore than how I was treated. I too am independent, run my life so well in other ways but just always gone for Mr Wrong.

Allofaflumble · 08/04/2015 21:56

Me too. I have given up. I now think I was born to be alone. You are a lot younger so there is hope! I never managed to get a self esteem either.

PandorasToyBox · 08/04/2015 22:03

Oh op my heart goes out to you, have you concidered a deeper type of therapy such as psychodynamic counselling or psychotherapy? I feel that you would find it worth your while to go back in your life as far as you can (in a safe environment) and work through all of your life that has influenced where you are today. The BACP website should point you into the direction of therapists that practice at this level.

You can and will mend your self with the right help and tools.

You are worthy of a good life with someone who compliments, respects and loves you.

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 08/04/2015 22:04

I did wonder if I should just give up and try and accept my own company

OP posts:
Minnie11 · 08/04/2015 22:09

I have sometimes wondered whether to give up but I don't want to be alone. I've had quite a few counselling sessions about other issues, I'd love to go back to it if I had enough time and money.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 22:12

OP you may find after counselling that you're happier on your own (or happier than you are now) but it doesn't sound like that's what you're aiming for. Speak to this counsellor and see how you get on - s/he might be a good match, might not - a poster on this board once told me "a counsellor is like a pair of shoes - you have to find a good fit".

CBT is really good short term therapy for treating negative thought patterns, phobias and other behaviours, but when you've had wounds in childhood you do need something deeper and broader.

NLP unfortunately has a lot of charlatans working in it IME :(

flumble this goes for you too. It's never too late. Even if you don't end up with a partner, you deserve to be happy with yourself.

My late H facilitated a self-help group for male survivors of child abuse. The oldest person to ever come to a meeting was in his late seventies. He found healing. Everyone can, and everyone deserves it.

msbrightside · 08/04/2015 22:34

hi OP - your post resonated with me - I too am baffled by my choice of partners over the years and I too didnt have a great father/daughter relationship.
I really feel this is key - good dads are meant to protect and respect their daughters - fill them with such good belief in themselves and their worth - so thats what'll they'll then command from a future partner.
without this simple framework or early years love we are left slightly adrift as to what constitutes a decent respectful relationship with a bloke..

Charley50 · 08/04/2015 22:43

Hi OP your post also resonated with me. My dad was aggressive, critical and also didn't see his children as individual beings. I spent my entire childhood fighting his emotional abuse and was determined not to let him 'squash' me.

I avoided men like him all throughout my twenties and dumped some lovely guys along the way. But since my 30's began I've had two long term relationships and both have been awful in some ways. (One produced my lovely DS so silver lining) I feel quite empty and a bit of a shell and that I will never experience a settled home life or give my DS the best life I could give him, which makes me so sad as I didn't have it either. I think I need counseling too. Sorry to go on...!

Allofaflumble · 08/04/2015 23:42

My dad had problems with alcohol. My mum was very remote. I walked on eggshells as a kid. Always on red alert for violence. Also they might not speak for weeks on end, so the atmosphere was crippling. Women had nowhere to go in those days.

Thank you pocketsaviour. I really don't think I could handle any kind of intimacy so i had best learn to like my own company!

Ouchbloodyouch · 09/04/2015 06:43

Hi OP. I've had some terrible relationships. Its taken many years to realise that the problem is/was me! My boundaries. Or lack of them. Its a long story but I have accepted so much shoddy behaviour and have essentially been a doormat and I allowed them to walk all over me.
What really helped and in no particular order was reading a website called baggage reclaim. This is excellent. There are articles on there to cover every scenario of poor relationships. I will pick a random one and link for you to have a taste.
Tony Gaskin - the man talks sense. You get the odd God reference but don't (if you are not a Christian) let that put you off.
Mumsnet relationship boards. The straight talking on here is a real eye opener.
I have also read Why Men love Bitches and "get the Guy' which despite their dodgy titles are also very good.
Take a bit of time to develop healthy boundaries. When I look back I am almost embarassed about MY behaviour. Actually I am embarrassed not almost. I will give you two teeny examples.

  1. cooked ex a meal. Said he was on his way. He didn't turn up citing he had fallen asleep. Of course I called him out on it and told him it was unacceptable but it showed him that evidently that it was acceptable because he did it more than once.
  2. the times he came round were getting later and later. After his hobbies. I'd cook his dinner which would be waiting and he would get a shag. I was just grateful he turned up. Blush these are two snapshot examples. Can you see that I was simply not a priority? I am dating now again. Someone who seems kind and decent and I am falling for but I honestly would without a shadow of doubt finish it for standing me up in the way I allowed my ex to or any other minor misdemeanour no matter how much I liked him. I like the new me. The new me puts value on herself. I don't think its coincidence that my fledgling relationship isn't bringing me angst.
Ouchbloodyouch · 09/04/2015 07:06

I can't link but please read those sites...

Original poster
mysparkleismissing · 09/04/2015 10:22

Thanks everyone for you kind words hope and sharing.
its nice not to feel so alone.

I just struggle I think. I fall very hard and fast and dream of my happily ever after.

I have to learn to like myself which at the moment I dont. just feel like a big fat failure.

can't keep a man.
made my son a child of single parents before he was walking
dont have a great circle of friends

my sister was calling me everyday for 3 weeks during this latest blip in depression. she's called twice in 2 and a half weeks.

OP posts:
adiposegirl2 · 09/04/2015 11:24

You can turn yourself around.

If you dont have the money for therapy, there are self help books you can read in regards to your issues.

Introspection and self reflection are very powerful tools for those how are honest enough to admit that thay are the problem.

You can do this!

Ouchbloodyouch · 09/04/2015 11:29

Its hard to feel positive sometimes. You really need to start trying though. Change something small at first.
At Christmas my extremely dim view of myself was
Single parent
Skint
My car is crap and i would be judged. Basically I felt I had nothing to bring to the table if I met someone. I guess it kept me settling for crap. I couldn't see that actually I'm funny (in the right company) very kind. I work my socks off even though being a lone parent means I am still skint!
It took a while for my thinking to be less skewed. . You have to believe you are good enough to DESERVE a good relationship because we all are.
I can't find an old thread of mine which asked posters how old they were when they finally met someone decent
That may help you. Is there a poster who is using a desktop that could kindly post a link?

hereandtherex · 09/04/2015 12:29

Hmm;, I've some experience of men + women who go from one bad relationship to another.

As a rule of thumb, 2 to 3 relationships s just bad luck. People lie, people believe.

However, in the situation when the person is going from one bad relationship to another, its always that persons fault.

Im afraid the problem is you.

Ouchbloodyouch · 09/04/2015 13:53

I agree here it was definitely me in my case. Unpleasant as it may be to hear at the time.

Allofaflumble · 09/04/2015 13:59

Fault is such a loaded word though and when someone is already low, to hear it is all their fault then that does not really encourage them to be kind to themselves.

MadeMan · 09/04/2015 13:59

Ouch's thread

matroyshka · 09/04/2015 14:06

I agree with Allofaflumble, although it may be down to how a person has behaved or thought, it's not something they've done on purpose, so 'fault' is quite an unkind word really. OP, please don't think you've done something wrong, you aren't a failure, you are just making your way through life as best you can. I hope your first counselling session goes well today. x

GoatsDoRoam · 09/04/2015 14:12

I did wonder if I should just give up and try and accept my own company

Yes, I think that "accepting your own company" is key to growing a self-esteem.
It may help not to see it as "giving up", though, but rather as giving in to the love you were supposed to be focusing on the whole time.
The goal after all is not to obtain a partner, but to obtain a healthier self-image - such that we can be a good partner to ourselves, and by that token to others as well.

EvoraEvora · 09/04/2015 14:13

I agree that 'fault' is a terrible word to be bandying about..

In all these relationships, these men have been responsible for the shitty things they've done- it isn't reaction to you as a person, they are responsible for their behaviour, as you are responsible for yours and how you react. It definately isn't the case of it being your 'fault', there are always two people in a relationship. Also, depression can lead to making terrible decisions. It's hard to have healthy boundaries when your thought patterns are being negative and self sabotaging.

I wish I knew the answer to having a good self esteem OP, it's something i'm still figuring out myself.

GoatsDoRoam · 09/04/2015 14:18

I think that being really, really kind to yourself (eg. motivating yourself through encouragement rather than by kicking yourself about what a failure you are), and also doing things that you enjoy (where you can express yourself, or develop skills that you think are valuable) are good ways to build self-esteem.

I read this article on improving self-esteem a couple days ago and found it pretty sound.

hereandtherex · 09/04/2015 14:22

Ok, I withdraw 'fault'

You are wired wrong, whatever metric you are using to choose someone is wrong (ACAB tattoo on knuckles), where you are picking them up (outside a prison?) is wrong.

I don't know! The OP does not give a lot of detail. Im just sharing my experience. And its not just 'bad men', there are men who make a bad choice time + time again.

My advice to the OP is to have a good hard think.