At 35 history of bad and toxic relationships

[mysparkleismissing]

I don't think in 20 years of dating I've had more than one decent relationship.

is it me or them or am I turning the men I date into not nice men

I have made some bad decisions yes and I do take a while to end a relationship that I (when i eventually admit it to myself) has no future.

several key relationships have been
6 months then he went off with my mate

a few months then I walked away as he fancied me friend and couldn't decide between us

2 years with a depressed alcoholic

9 months long distamce with a guy who tried to sleep with my best friend

1 year with an insecure control freak

4 years with a man who would never accept any blame for anything that was going wrong. Our relationship ended up being really unhealthy almost on the verge of emotionally abusive. have a 3yo from this relationship we eventually split for good when our son was 1 he was planned and wanted but we just stopped making each other happy did one counselling session and my ex refused to go back. ended 2 years ago

the last (short term) few have been one that was too nice and 2 who just disappeared into thin air.

I'm not a monster. I work ft. own my own home. yes I'm. suffering with depression at the moment and have on and off over the years.

my self esteem is shit. I've not recently got into a relationship when I've been suffering from depression but I'm aware it's lurking in the back ground

I was bullied at school. my parents have a non existent relationship they just exist they should have got divorced many years ago. And my dad is very critical and being the youngest sibling mum and I have always got the brunt of it.

what's wrong with me.....

I don't want to be alone forever but I don't trust my judgement. I dunno how to turn this pattern around and how to undo the damage these relationships have caused.

Thanks for reading...

NC
I could've written your OP, OP!
My Dad was very critical too; I was convinced I was ugly from a young age and that I was somehow repulsive to men. So I hd the kind of relationships someone who thought she was worth nothing would have-married men, abusive men, commitment phobes. Damaged men really. Maybe I was trying to rescue them and change the script. My mum is still trying to rescue my dad. He's alot better now but he was an unhappy man who projected everything onto me.
I had counselling. All I wanted was to be able to say "I'm as good as anyone else" and I honestly believe it now.
Why Men Prefer... is good. I liked The Single Trap too. But find a good counsellor and heal yourself.
Massive cliché but when I stopped fretting about men and started enjoying my life I met my wonderful OH. He is the nicest man but I would never have found a nice man attractive before. We now have a baby daughter. I'm 38 - don't give up.

I didn't even notice the word fault! thanks made for the link.

Yeah of course here I hang outside prisons to find a date.

Thanks for that!!

I'll add those books to my wish list - just need to find the motivation to read and process all these books.

I thought at one point I was trying to find a man to 've my project, to fix , I guess to feel better about myself but that definitely wasn't the case with my boys dad or more recent exes.

I took about ten years out from relationships. I loved being single but thought maybe it was time to have another try.

I met a "nice" man, one who was not abusive (hurrah) and I still managed to find a did. Yes he was nice and he led me to believe we had a future "one day" so I wasted a lot of time waiting for that!

Let's just say he turned out to be a live out cock lodger. Yes he was nice on the surface but really he was using me.

I really thought I was one of the people who could say "my ex was a waste of space, but I am now with a lovely man who respects me", but no, yet again after counselling, self help books blah blah....

This is why I could not face it again.

Incidentally I did meet a man during work today who told me he was single. He talked about himself a lot! I was asking a few questions but he never asked me a thing, just chuntered on about himself.

I ignored that red flag last time, so I'm learning!

Sparkle I understand how you feel.

dud

here that prison comment was fucking nasty.

The prison/ACAB comment is a joke/extreme example.

Sometime the reason you relationships fails or are problematic are so obvious that the person misses them totally.

I had a friend who was attracted to idiots who started fights in pubs, kebab houses etc. She always used to wail 'Why do I keep picking the wrong man.' The reasons was so fucking obvious.

Unfortunately sometimes things don't come across too well when written down. I was a bit shocked as I know you aren't a GF normally.
OP I hope you have started on your new you.

'GF normally' ????

Very interesting thread.

Very interesting thread.

My counselling started last night which was interesting.

just seems an odd pattern really

mysparkleismissing -- hereandtherex reveals some truth in their very blunt response. It is not "your fault" you choose the partners you do, but perhaps it is your responsibility. And it seems you're doing something about this by going to counselling. The unconscious is a powerful thing - far more powerful than our conscious decisions, even though many of us like to believe we're in full control of our lives and can make different decisions. We can, but not until we've addressed our unconscious choices, and those are generally formed with our first relationships: those we had with our families of origin.

Counselling/therapy with a good counsellor/therapist can be tremendously effective in bringing these patterns into light of day and then supporting you to change them.

Two important points:

CBT/NLP will do nothing for you, imo. I agree with a PP: unless and until you're able to excavate what went on deep in the past, you won't change a thing.

Counselling or therapy is hard work, and it is painful. Change doesn't just happen in the NHS-recommended 8 sessions. And in fact 8 sessions can be more damaging than none at all. It can take months, if not years. If you can commit to that, and if you keep turning up, then the shifts you experience in your life can be profound. But you need to keep turning up. It's simple, and not easy. Patterns can be broken; keep taking your own side and taking the steps you need to take to get where you want to be.

From someone who had a shit childhood and who is making different choices, I wish you all the very best.