Please advise me! In Laws booked holiday for us all and my DH didn't consult me.

[diamond17]

Hi all. Please advise me xxxx
My partner and I cannot afford a holiday. We have a 3yr old. My in laws offered to take us all away, paying for flights and villa. We told MIL we could not save enough for spending (going by what they deem the right amount of cash required) as we are moving house this year and all money is going into the move. MIL then said she would pay for all of it. Eventually, we gratefully received the offer...feeling overwhelmed! We are not selfish people.
However, I had arranged 2wks with my nieces as their parents are working and it's summer holidays, so I would be the childcare and cousins can play together.
Only tonight does my DH inform me that a holiday was booked, at least 6wks ago for 1wk. It is the 1st wk I am babysitting and visiting my family. Nobody consulted me about dates and my DH didn't tell me as he assumed I would not react well. It's so hard to explain, as his parents did not bother with us until we had a child, which does irk me and when we do see them, every fortnight, we do not have adult conversation. Everything is on the surface and we do not talk about difficulties with the move and so receive no support.
Of course, nothing is black and white and I could go into more detail, but basically we are not in a good place and now DH is suggesting he takes our child on his own and I keep to my babysitting plans. He tells me I didn't inform him, however I know I did and am keeping tradition with the last 2yrs, so this is not a brand new situation.
Had I been consulted, I would have given free dates! We have seen my IL so many times and the holiday has never been mentioned to me. Not even chat about how exciting it will be etc...nothing.
I cannot entertain the fact my DH and child will be alone with them in a different country with IL.
Please help me out. I don't know what is right or wrong.
Thank you everyone x

Dear PIL,

Thankyou for inviting us on holiday with you and organising and paying for said holiday. It's such a shame that you did not check whether or not either of us had prior commitments on the week of said holiday, which means that we will not be able to come with you, after all.

I bet you won't make that mistake again you patronising twats

Lots of love

diamond

Utterly outrageous of your husband to keep this secret for 6 weeks. He should not be keeping a secret like this from you and this suggests that he supports his parents more than you which is obviously not acceptable. Can you insist that your child stays with you as originally planned and clearly communicated and he can go with his parents if he chooses to?

Do you even have passports?

Only tonight does my DH inform me that a holiday was booked, at least 6wks ago for 1wk. It is the 1st wk I am babysitting and visiting my family. Nobody consulted me about dates and my DH didn't tell me as he assumed I would not react well.

He tells me I didn't inform him, however I know I did and am keeping tradition with the last 2yrs, so this is not a brand new situation.

He's contradicting himself, isn't he? If he 'didn't know' you were sitting, why would be assume you 'wouldn't react well' to the dates chosen. Could this be a plan by him and/or his parents to get him and DGC alone for a holiday?

I'd tell him to go ahead and go, but that DC stays home to visit and play with his/her cousins as previously arranged.

Er, hang on. But harsh Our

Sounds like OP's DH is the one who didn't check with OP about dates - surely he knew OP was helping with childcare for their nieces. Calling the in laws 'patronising twats' when they are trying to treat their grandkids and spend some family time is totally ott.

I'm not sure denying a 3 year old a trip away with their grandparents is the right approach either...

How many nieces are you looking after OP? Is there any way they can be incorporated in to the trip?

Sounds like you could do with a break and I can totally see why you're upset.

I mean bit harsh, obvs!

It's a bit surprising that this was booked without confirming dates with you, but I 'm guessing that they did check with your DH and he said it was OK.

Also surprising that no-one has mentioned it, either. I'm afraid bells are ringing here, DH clearly did know that you wouldn't be happy with the dates, that's why he didn't tell you, but a) how come ILs haven't mentioned it and b) why did he agree to the dates knowing that it would cause a problem?
Is there something else going on? Does he normally behave like this?

Given that you've ended up in this situation though, what can you do to make the best of it?

I reckon you could speak to MIL, and explain that you're so excited about the holiday, DH has only just told you, but the date is a problem , is there any way it could be changed? Explain you don't want to let her and DS down by cancelling ( thus wasting the money they have paid for your flight etc) but you equally don't want to let your own family down.

The other thing is, summer holidays are quite a long way off, there is plenty of time for your sibling to arrange alternative childcare for one week. I don't suppose that they would want you to miss out on your only chance of a holiday - I'd be mortified if my own brother missed an opportunity like that to deal with my childcare.

I don't think it would help anyone for your DH to go, with or without DS, but leaving you behind. It would also be very rude for you to back out if DH has agreed the date on your behalf ( even though he shouldn't have done). It's the sort of thing that creates long term family rifts.

Was there any discussion about dates when ILs first made the offer, or was it all just a general thing at that stage? Did you mention your long-standing arrangement to the ILs?

It does sound as if there is more to this.

But I think you have to look at how to deal with the situation you are in and how to move forward, I don't know that there's much to be gained from saying who is right or wrong, unless you are taking the view that DH has done this deliberately to upset you, in which case deciding whether to go on holiday is the least of your problems.

Postpone the holiday, you might be able to change dates for a small fee. It's your husband not PIL who is to blame.

Let him go by himself. No need for your child to go too!

But definitely contact your ILs and tell them about the cock up - it's entirely your DH's fault and problem, but since he hasn't the balls (or willingness) to fix it then I think you should take the bull by the horns and talk to them yourself.

I too think that your DH chose the clashing dates on purpose. I don't think this is your IL's fault.

Ask nieces parents if they can change the week of the baby sitting. This is probably easier to do than changing the dates of the holiday, but worth at least asking PILs if that is also an option.
Buy a calendar, or print one out from one of the many websites offering free ones, put it up in the kitchen and both of you enter all plans you make on it immediately you make them. Inform DH that neither of you will ever again be making holiday or 2-wk long baby sitting plans without first running it past each other and entering it on the calendar.
If you wish to discuss problems with house move with PILs, couldn't you bring it up?

Do your nieces' parents work full time? Or are they both working only for that two week period?
If it's just a case of you saving them 2 weeks on childcare then surely that 2 weeks can be flexible with in the 6 week holiday.
Your DH has messed up but I imagine you can adjust the weeks your nieces come. From the tone of your OP it sounds like you don't want to go, especially with your PILs. It sounds like you are quite relieved that you are double booked and trying to justify your son missing the holiday experience. From what you say it maybe a couple of years before your next holiday.
It's hard to say what is best to do about this situation.

Are they all UK based? Or is the holiday to a home country for his side of the family?

If you can't re-arrange the babysitting duties or the trip, then DH and son go on holiday with ILS and you continue on with babysitting. DH and son meet you at your relatives after the trip.

Assuming that your DH is working while you are visiting family and babysitting, DS would have been away from DH for at least two weeks. Why not let him spend one week with you and your side of the family and one week with his father and paternal grandparents?

Unless there's a lot more backstory than you've given, I think your dp probably forgot/hadn't taken in the dates of your stay with your family. Yes, he should have told you as soon as he realised there was a clash.

But you need to tread v carefully at this point. Your ds is his ds, too. I don't think you can refuse to let him take his son on holiday without a huge backlash which could well end your relationship altogether. It's infuriating to have been manoeuvred into this position - and it sounds as if you have a lot to sort out between you - but beware escalating things beyond a point of no return.

I'm thinking like Cinderella here. Do they have ties to the country they're going to?

Your H caused this issue, he didn't tell you for 6 weeks. You know you told him about the arrangement with your DN, and you have done it before.

I find it odd too that NOBODY mentioned it to you at all - in your fortnightly meetings? did they not even refer to it? If not, I find that wholly suspect too.

you can't go, your DC can't go, either they move the trip, or DH can go on his own.

Does your husband usually put his family's needs before yours?

If you think your DH and PIL have deliberately booked a holiday and chosen dates that they knew were inconvenient to spite you or exclude you, then you simply tell them you're sorry but those dates don't work for you and you and your DC's will be babysitting and visiting your family as already planned.

Or you could just simply tell your sibling you're very sorry but that first week of babysitting is now out - not unreasonable, they've got plenty of time to make other arrangements.

But I think the crux of this whole issue is that 1. you simply don't want to holiday with your in-laws at all and 2. you and your DH have far bigger problems than a mix up with summer holiday dates.

Does your husband usually put his family's needs before yours?

You could just as easily ask if the OP usually puts her family's needs before her DH's.

OP just tell your dh that you and your ds have already committed to something else so you can't go. Presumably he can go if he wants to?

I'd see if I could re-arrange the babysitting duties first. Then I'd see if the holiday could be re-arranged.

I understand you're annoyed that your DH didn't tell you six weeks ago but only you will know if that was deliberate or an oversight. Your OP said that he knew you'd be annoyed but it's not clear to me if he knew that as soon as the dates were booked or only realised later and then didn't want to tell you.

I'm a bit that you had all agreed to holiday together; that you see PIL every two weeks; and yet no-one (not even you) has mentioned the detail of the holiday. I'm not blaming you for the clash but I am confused as to why you weren't more proactive in any of this and make sure that your PIL didn't know there were dates you weren't available. Do you always take a back seat when dealing with PILs? If so, then trying to deal with this clash is the perfect opportunity for you to remove your DH from the middle and speak directly to your PILs.

DH's wider family often have confusion over events and dates. In our case, the expectation was that everything would be filtered through MIL, SIL, and then DH. It drove me mad but I also very quickly got into the habit of picking up the phone and speaking to whoever was making the arrangements so I was clear on what was happening. You might need to start doing the same.

You could just as easily ask if the OP usually puts her family's needs before her DH's.

Except that with the OP's babysitting arrangement a) she does it the same time every year and b) she told her DH about it. Her DH on the other hand deliberately didn't tell her when the holiday was booked for because he 'e assumed [she] would not react well'.

Blimey, how lucky are you. An all expenses paid holiday!
God I wished I was in your position!

As for communication, do you really want to look so deeply into it. It's a cock up, your DPs cock up. You can't fix what's happened, just make sure it does not happen again, someone mentioned a calendar, get one, no more excuses then.
Change your babysitting dates and go and enjoy your FREE holiday and don't get hung up on who told who what, where and when.
Your getting a free holiday!

I certainly would not be rude to pils, how kind of them to treat you to a holiday that you could otherwise not afford to go on. I would explain to sister and re arrange the babysitting or she makes other babysitting plans for that week. Yes husband should have checked with you, feel free to be angry with him but don't cut your nose off to spite your face and miss out in holiday!

Have a great time.