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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please advise me! In Laws booked holiday for us all and my DH didn't consult me.

38 replies

diamond17 · 08/04/2015 00:03

Hi all. Please advise me xxxx
My partner and I cannot afford a holiday. We have a 3yr old. My in laws offered to take us all away, paying for flights and villa. We told MIL we could not save enough for spending (going by what they deem the right amount of cash required) as we are moving house this year and all money is going into the move. MIL then said she would pay for all of it. Eventually, we gratefully received the offer...feeling overwhelmed! We are not selfish people.
However, I had arranged 2wks with my nieces as their parents are working and it's summer holidays, so I would be the childcare and cousins can play together.
Only tonight does my DH inform me that a holiday was booked, at least 6wks ago for 1wk. It is the 1st wk I am babysitting and visiting my family. Nobody consulted me about dates and my DH didn't tell me as he assumed I would not react well. It's so hard to explain, as his parents did not bother with us until we had a child, which does irk me and when we do see them, every fortnight, we do not have adult conversation. Everything is on the surface and we do not talk about difficulties with the move and so receive no support.
Of course, nothing is black and white and I could go into more detail, but basically we are not in a good place and now DH is suggesting he takes our child on his own and I keep to my babysitting plans. He tells me I didn't inform him, however I know I did and am keeping tradition with the last 2yrs, so this is not a brand new situation.
Had I been consulted, I would have given free dates! We have seen my IL so many times and the holiday has never been mentioned to me. Not even chat about how exciting it will be etc...nothing.
I cannot entertain the fact my DH and child will be alone with them in a different country with IL.
Please help me out. I don't know what is right or wrong.
Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

rookiemere · 08/04/2015 21:30

Can you speak to your Dsis re the dates you are looking after your nieces. That seems like the most obvious place to start.
Do you normally get on ok with your DH? Could this be a genuine error on his part? Either way I'd not be comfortable with him going away with your DC without you.if you don't already have one then time for
a family calendar.

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2015 23:28

Have they actually booked your ticket?

Yournotfeckingserious · 09/04/2015 07:20

Yeah I would be a bit peeved with my DH if he did this but I think it's a bit over the top to deny the dc a holiday.
I would say to my DH that he owes me big time so when the money is settled and you can afford a break away he's got to take you away somewhere really nice.
Not everybody is perfect and we all make mistakes, your DH just didn't use his noggin for this one I'm afraid. It's not the end of the world.

Ragwort · 09/04/2015 07:30

I cannot entertain the fact my DH and child will be alone with them in a different country with IL.

Why? Your DS is your DH's DS as well as your DS - and surely your child's father is more than capable of taking him on holiday with his own parents.

You need to really examine your motives for that statement, if a man said anything like that he would be accused of being controlling.

Hathall · 09/04/2015 07:32

This sounds very odd.
It sounds like they chose those dates intentionally so you wouldn't free and didn't tell you, making it more and more difficult for you to get out of your commitments.

Branleuse · 09/04/2015 07:35

id ask your family if you can change the childcare plans to a different week. Youve done it for 2 years, and this time youve got the opportunity of a free holiday in one of those weeks. I would be annoyed about the timing, but not enough to stop me going. I cant imagine to stay home from a holiday to be a free babysitter for people. There is still enough time for them to sort other childcare

bakingaddict · 09/04/2015 07:44

Is there even a holiday for you. Sounds like it's been deliberately booked this way so you can't actually go. I'd be very suspicious of any DH who pulled a stunt like this it signifies bigger issues. call their bluff and say you have rearranged your nieces childcare

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/04/2015 08:13

Why don't you want them to go without you? Is it because you don't want to miss out ( fair) or because you don't want them to be away from you? (Not fair)

Only1scoop · 09/04/2015 08:22

Very odd that your Dh didn't inform you of dates. Extremely generous of pil....I personally couldn't go on holiday if I couldn't even afford spending money. Maybe he doesn't want you to go.

Sounds like huge lack of Comms between you and Dh.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 09/04/2015 08:38

It's all very well telling OP how lucky she is, but surely a free holiday is only 'lucky' if it doesn't involve causing lots of angst and rearranging of existing plans?
For no one to mention this for 6 weeks is very odd, and suggests your DH knew about your existing commitments and deliberately tried to leave it until it was too late for the holiday plans to be changed so that you would have to be the one to change your plans. I don't really know what to suggest OP but it is a crappy situation.

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 10:06

I think that the idea was that the cousins could play together. If OP's ds goes on holiday with her father, she will be left alone looking after two children who are not her own.

It does sound like DH and ILS concocted this plan together. If it were me I would have absolutely no problem telling dh that he could go if he wanted but ds and I had already committed to something else so we wouldn't be going.

Why is this a problem for you OP, what will happen if you tell him that?

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 10:07

*his father

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/04/2015 10:26

DH is suggesting he takes our child on his own and I keep to my babysitting plans. He tells me I didn't inform him, however I know I did and am keeping tradition with the last 2yrs, so this is not a brand new situation.
Had I been consulted, I would have given free dates! We have seen my IL so many times and the holiday has never been mentioned to me. Not even chat about how exciting it will be etc...nothing.

Do you normally get on well with your in-laws? Can't help but think you've been sidelined. Only you know whether DH is normally scatty like this or not. Either accept you are going to miss out and stay in the UK or run this by your DB or DSis and say this is your only chance of a holiday away you are sorry you won't be able to make the first week. You're giving them ample notice. It is after all you that's the one doing them a favour.

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