MIL asking for DD to move in!!

[yellowxo]

I'm just shell shocked, I'm off to uni in september to start my nursing degree dd will be at nursery for 4-5 days per week and will be 2 and half, I was discussing this with MIL when she says to DD "Wouldn't it be nice if you came to live with grandma and granddad while mummy is at university?" She's mentioned this before but I thought she was joking, she can't be if she brings it up a lot, I said what do you mean and she said me and dh will never see her if I'm at university so she should go live with them and be cared for by family instead of nursery. MIL lives 3 hours away so I'd never see my daughter it just hurts to even think about it why would she say it?

she started going on about taking her on holiday on her own without fil buying her an ipad (when she isn't even 2 yet!!) I'm not sure what to do she's always been gaga over dd but asking for her to live with them? I'm really upset and close to banning them from my house. Why would she ask dd that in front of me? I'm not sure what to do!!

Bloody hell - I hope you told her to feck off to the far side. How dare she say that you won't see her while you are at uni!

Did you tell your DH and more importantly what did he say/do? You need his back up here. What did you say to her?

Do you have any other problems with your relationship with your MIL?

If not, I'd just let it go, and if she mentions it again just laugh and reiterate that of course your dd will be living with you.

When ds was born my mother suggested to me that he lives with her so that I could work full-time. It sounds mad, looking back, but I think she was just so excited and overwhelmed that she wasn't properly filtering her words!

Even if she means it, I would be tempted to not get drawn into any kind of discussion of this kind of thing. She can't take your dd, so it doesn't really matter how many times she says it.

I'm sure when she's brought it up before, you've just said "no".

I agree her saying it in front of DD is wrong, albeit she is very young.

I suggest if she does this, you say to DD, "Silly Granny! Little girls live with their Mummies and visit their Grannies!".

And if she says it to you and DH again, "We've already told you our position on this - DD is not going to live with you." If she keeps on going, "This is our decision, and we've already made it. We don't need to justify ourselves to you."

If she is persistent, then maybe NC is the only answer. But hopefully it won't come to that.

Since she has been born she's brought it up a dozen times we lived with them until dd was 5 months old (sorting out house move) moved last year 120 miles away, i know the bond she has with dd is special but I'm the mum I stayed home with her raised her, mil was working, she's besotted with her but this obsessiveness is making me want to pull dd away from her, when she's said it before I just ignored her or said no she won't be, she always asks dd though never me like in a passive aggressive way "would you like to live with grandma?" "would you like to stay with grandma?" 'you would have so much fun living with grandma" I have no idea what to say as she isn't directly asking me, DD doesn't understand yet but will be able to soon I don't know what to do!! DH wasn't there when she asked me he was in the garden I'm going to talk to him when he comes in,

Agree with SanityClause's suggestion about "Silly Granny" comment.

I wouldn't worry too much - your dd will most definitely be much more influenced by you and your dh than she will be by her Granny. And it'll be better for all of you if you respond in a relaxed and lighthearted, but confident, way - would obviously help massively if your dh agrees with you!

once you have spoke to DH, you both should go & see MIL at some convenient time, or even write her a letter. & tell her straight, that the child is yours, & she will not be going to live with Granny, so would she kindly stop trying to manipulate both child & you. It is NO, & never mind her reasonings... she may get the hump, but so bit it.
Knock it on the head firmly.

Both of you together sit her down, and it goes something like this:

'MIL, you are making both of us very unhappy with the way you constantly refer to DD living with you, and keep saying it to her. It's not going to happen, any more than you would have given DH to FIL's mum to raise! However, we've told you this, we've told you it's inappropriate, insulting and weird and you aren't listening. This is to warn you that if you don't stop with this, we are going to have to really limit any time with DD. She's tiny now but there's no way we're having her made to feel insecure with any thought that she might not live with her mummy and daddy. Also, you saying things like that TO HER isn't what a loving Granny should do - you should be pleased to be her GRANNY, and not seem to want to undermine DD's family unit. The way you're being simply isn't in her best interests so unless you cut it out AND start to act as if you respect our family and the fact that we are DD's parents - you'll be seeing a lot less of us and DD. How would YOU feel if someone suggested to you that they may as well raise your child for you? It's not a small thing, it's an awful way for you to think and we don't want that influence around our family.'

I wouldn't threaten her with withdrawing contact. Just completely ignore her when she says stupid things like that. If the subject of a holiday or an ipad comes up just look her straight in the eye and say that is not happening.

So long as you and your DH say united on the approach you do not need to go into meltdown over her behaviour. It will just weaken you. She is your daughter and believe me you will have lots of reasons to stick up for yourself over the coming years.

Put your head up high and just say no. Don't lower yourself to provide any reasons why, just say no. As MNs say - 'no is a complete sentence'.

I think mix is right. You need to speak openly to her because this is beyond a joke and she's not backing off. It can be done without anger but firmly making it clear that it's not ok to keep on about this.

I think that problem with confronting people about things like this is that it's unlikely to change their behaviour. It's not given them any new knowledge, which will change their viewpoint - she already knows that you want dd living with you!

Also, it turns it into something that suddenly becomes something worth arguing about, or that you have to defend yourself.

Your MIL knows that you want dd living with you. Of course you don't have to justify it or defend yourself.

And by turning it into some kind of battle, it's sort of like you're giving ground, and admitting that it's something that's up for discussion. Which of course it isn't.

I just told dh about what she said and he laughed it off and said she was joking, why would she "joke" about it every time I see her ? & whisper to her, then proceed to make up some lame excuse why dd should live with her. She just asked me what "WE" were doing for dd's birthday she completely took over her first birthday had a party for her, made the cake and invited all her friends I'm still a bit hurt over that incident. I guess we need to put boundaries but dh is reclutant to put any he said he had a dream about his mum dying so he doesnt want to upset her (dafuq)? They stay over frequently, then if i ask dh to say anything he says i should be the one to speak to them as he doesn't want to upset them. I never have this problem with my parents they have their own lives!!!

I think your DH needs to grow a backbone. It is not your job to stand up to his mother. And her organising a party herself - bloody hell. You need boundaries in place and quick.

You need to have a word with your DH and you need to grow a pair of balls very quickly. The cheek of her taking over your DD's first birthday party, I am outraged on your behalf.

Tell your DH that his approach is not good enough. Start making decisions yourself and do not consult with your MIL. If she sticks her oar in politely say I am have arranged the party/childcare/etc.

Your parents are the ideal grandparents who show respect for you. His mother clearly does not respect you and the only way to deal with someone like her is to show zero tolerance.

I have two DC who I reared alone. My parents were like yours. I wasn't the most confident parent to start with and struggled with decisions at times. By the time my eldest was two I had had enough of other people's opinions and became more confident. I got great pleasure from looking people in the eye and telling them that I would be making the decisions surrounding my DC. It is a very liberating feeling and I recommend that you adopt this approach with your MIL. If you don't your confidence will suffer and you will end up an indecisive wreck.

You will face numerous situations over the years with other parents, schools, health visitors etc and you need to become a confident mother. You know what is best for your child and you have to get assertive with your MIL and your DH. Its only a matter of time before your MIL takes your DD for a haircut!

Honestly, if there are any assertiveness courses that you can do online I really recommend that you do such a course.

As others have alluded to, it's incredibly important to nip this lack of boundaries now rather than later.

It's a dig I think about not staying at home full time. Very unpleasant imo.

Even at not yet 2, dd will be absorbing everything like a little sponge. No, really not ok and needs firmly putting down now, this kind of thing is not ok to say even if it's jokingly.

My DGM had this as a child - when she was small and her mother was ill once, her grandmother took her 'to stay just until mummy is better' and it took a full family fight over several months to get her back as there were always reasons why she was better off with Granny for a little longer. Her father had to go to the house and physically take her in the end. Apparently DGM's mum was distressed about it long after DGM was an adult, it always affected their bond afterwards and it was still bothering DGM in her 80s when she was telling me about it.

Two of my friends had this problem when their DC were very young. Unfortunately their marriages broke down as both their DH turned out to be extremely mainipulative bullies. The children from the 2 marraiges, not related, saw their grandmothers on their fathers' side on a very regular basis and in both cases the granny spoiled them rotten.

When they became teenagers the spoiling took on a sinister turn. If their mothers said they couldn't have something the granny bought it for them anyway. Both of my friends rue the day that they did not stick up to her in the early days.

I am not trying to scare you. If their marriages hadn't broken down the granny probably wouldn't have had so much power. The fathers both had a role in isolating the mothers because it made them look the good guys. When the teenage behaviour was at it's worst and my friends were going through a very tough time both grandmothers told the teenagers that they could live with her and in both cases that is what happened.

My friends lost control of their children who moved in with their grandmothers. They were both utterly devastated. Their children didn't speak to them for years and it is only now that all 4 children involved are in their early 20's that they have made contact with their mothers.

I would give that MIL of yours very short shrift!

You need to nip this in the bud make it clear that she can no longer say this to your DD, it's confusing and undermining, it will no longer be tolerated.
She needs to be put in her place.

You do need to tell her to stop it.

Tell her that it is very upsetting to suggest to a young child that they are not going to live with their parents and she needs to never say it again because you know she does not want to upset her grandaughter.

I thiink you need to speak to her and also put her in her place if she does this again in front of DD.. 'oo isn't granny silly asking you to live with her! DD's live with their mummies as grannies are too old!' , 'oo DD hasnt granny already asked you that? Maybe granny has forgotten that she is only a granny and not your mummy'.

If she does live 150 miles away then I would keep my anwsers evasive in regards to her birthday, so that you don't get her being over bearing again.

What Sylvanian said. I think the suggestion of not living with mummy and daddy would be very unsettling and confusing for a 2 year old and you should put a stop to it asap

Heed the warnings and follow some of the advice above. You could write it in a good, old fashioned letter - you can't argue with a piece of paper, and make sure DH reads it first.

BUT...FFS DO NOT LET HER BUY AN IPAD. DS got started gaming as a toddler and now he's utterly addicted. This is no joke. He's addicted to tech in the same way a gambler is addicted to gambling and its hell. Please, get MIL to provide books and Lego and colouring in things - it's what a child needs.

I would just keep contact to a minimum, if she says anything like this again, stand up for yourself.
definitely tell your dh to get a backbone, he sounds so wimpish.

What's your FIL like? If you wrote her the type of letter suggested above, what would be his reaction to it be?

My MIL said when she first saw my daughter (her first grandchild), "Oh most children prefer their grandmother to their mother." I said, "Yes, DH was saying that the other day." It took a minute or two to sink in, but she never said it again.

I think you're right she tends to disregard what I say when it comes to disciplining dd, mil was telling dd to bite her on the arm, I told mil off as DD has bitten me before, and broke the skin so we have told her NO BITING whatsoever or hitting, mil said to dd "oh poor girl your mummy shouting at you" I did not shout at her if I tell her no MIL says dd gets "distressed" which is bollocks, even dh's brothers have a view that, mil utterly spoils her lets dd hit her bite her, get as much chocolate as she wants, buying her an ipad, everythings fun and games to her. I feel like dh doesn't think it's serious but she says some weird stuff like "dd never calls for her mummy just for her daddy, she looks so much like her daddy" like shes trying to delete me out of the picture. FIL is on the Autistic spectrum so he doesn't understand her behaviour is odd. She says we need her help parenting (df is in his late 20's works in a high powered job own our own home) she doesn't actually help in parenting just how to make dd a spoilt brat!!!