MIL asking for DD to move in!!

[yellowxo]

I'm just shell shocked, I'm off to uni in september to start my nursing degree dd will be at nursery for 4-5 days per week and will be 2 and half, I was discussing this with MIL when she says to DD "Wouldn't it be nice if you came to live with grandma and granddad while mummy is at university?" She's mentioned this before but I thought she was joking, she can't be if she brings it up a lot, I said what do you mean and she said me and dh will never see her if I'm at university so she should go live with them and be cared for by family instead of nursery. MIL lives 3 hours away so I'd never see my daughter it just hurts to even think about it why would she say it?

she started going on about taking her on holiday on her own without fil buying her an ipad (when she isn't even 2 yet!!) I'm not sure what to do she's always been gaga over dd but asking for her to live with them? I'm really upset and close to banning them from my house. Why would she ask dd that in front of me? I'm not sure what to do!!

"I will be making the decisions surrounding my child", is perfect;
enough said. re next birthday, you say the same, "I will be making the decisions surrounding my DC" re cake, re presents. all & everything. tell her child will not be having an iPad, & if she defies your wishes the article will be returned to the shop.
Just say it firmly, she can decide to make a scene, but it won't change anything.
Please just do it if DH hasn't got the balls. if she starts whinging to him behind you back, then you can decide to challenge them both on that.

"She says we need her help parenting" - and is now suggesting dd lives with her.

The narrative she's setting up is really not a good one.

What IS it this bank holiday weekend with overbearing MILs and spineless husbands? You have to get your DH on the same wavelength or situations like this will keep happening. WHY should you have to talk to them when they're his parents???!!!

I'm not sure what do you guys really think? Do you think she could want custody ? DH says it's a joke and she's just being silly having fantasies but why has she said all this? I'm worrying what she might say to dd when she's older. I just feel utterly stressed he's on his mum's side says he doesn't know how long she will live for (she's 57) and if I have a problem I should bring it up with her. He zones out when I complain

Look, she can't get custody! If every MIL had custody whenever they wanted it, no parents would ever get to see their own children!

You need to shout at her the next time she says it. Say, "Why on earth do you keep going on about DD living with you? Of course she's not going to live with you! This is her home and we are her parents. If you keep going on about it, you won't be seeing her at all. AND I'll be speaking to your doctor about you."

Jesus, keep away from her if she keeps talking like that.

It doesn't matter. Your response should be the same. 'Silly grandma - little girls live with their mummies and daddies!' And laugh.

And maybe try a few more boundaries - 'oh, no, sorry mil, we're having a family weekend so it's not convenient for you to stay'. If she lives 120 miles away, I'm slightly baffled by exactly how much she CAN be interfering though, tbh. It's not like she is there every night when you get home. More like it's supremely irritating when they come over on high days and holidays?

In which case, sure, it's annoying, but don't over-react.

By taking her ridiculous suggestion seriously, with po faced letter writing and all the paraphernalia discussed above, is giving it far more weight than it deserves.

Laugh at her ridiculousness, and live your own lives.

Any suspicion that you are taking this seriously runs the risk of, you know, you taking it seriously. Which is bonkers. So don't. There is no chance DS will live with mil. So don't waste your time by investing any more of your life fussing about it. Laugh at her, to her face if necessary, and move on.

Your dh is in some way right - he isn't taking his mother seriously - therefore there is no reason to fuss, bother, and cause angst. Dd isn't going to live with grandma. Ha ha ha. Silly grandma.

And sort your own birthday parties out. She can only plan it if you let her. It's easy enough to say 'oh, we've already organised it!'

im nc with my mom and having marriage troubles bother her and my sister want my 14 year old daughter to live with them and want nothing to do with my sons (my sons penis is the reason why she hates him she wanted another granddaughter so i cut contact she has never seen my other son at all)

my sons nan (oh mother) tries it on with my son wanting to be best at everything took over on his first birthday buying his first cake etc now he is six he tells her mommy does that better why cant you do that like my mom my mom cooks so much nice food and all you cook is chicken nuggets and chips i HATE chicken nuggets nanny! the thing is she has ocd and it involves food so she continually reheats the food because its not cooked enough! my ex stops her but she managed it the other week and ds2 got food poisoning he nearly ended up hospitalized and didnt go and see his dad that week as he was too ill she offered ds1 food when he went there and he turned on her went apocalyptic and told her she hurt his brother and he was never eating her food again and she wasnt to feed his brother either it sounds hard but without my ex intervening my son is the only one who can tell her off for trying to act like a mom instead of a nan

and yes im more than aware my son has a problem with his mouth unless im there no one tells him what he says is inappropriate because he is indulged like that over there i think caveat emperor (buyer beware)

some parents need to learn the line and stay on there side of it nan and granddad are not mom and dad they should cherish there grandchildren and not alienate the parents

Mil once came with us on holiday and I found out she was telling random strangers she was dd's mummy. Dd was 3 and very good at talking so told us and then we heard it for ourselves. In that occasion I ignored it but probably did keep dd a bit closer than normal. I didn't say anything as I was heavily pg with twins and didn't trust my hormones not to go nuts at her. I still regularly have "she loves her granddaughter" going round in my head to help me remember why I put up with her various bonkers behaviour. Luckily dh notices it all and it bothers him more than me. He still rarely says anything as mil just ends up sobbing when he does but just knowing he gets it and is on my side makes it easier to deal with. Tbh she's eased off since the twins - I think she realises all 3dds come in a package and are inseparable but the twins scare her as they're far more full on than dd1 on her own.
Basically it seems my advice is to get pg with twins - sorry, that's not very helpful!

Yep it's my own fault, phones on ignore, no impromptu trips for them to my house. (Knowing MIL she would just turn up) they have keys to my house i found out at the weekend, maybe need to change the locks! When she says something crazy I'm just going to look at her and say silly grandma. Will update, I just have to stop DH answering the facetime (she calls everyday) to speak to dd.

My mum and step-dad do this kind of "talk to the child" thing about holidays....constantly asking him if he'd like to go camping with them as a passive aggressive way to push their agenda. I finally just told them directly that they'd have to ask me and since I wasn't going to say yes that they'd best drop it.

No need to be particularly rude or to pussy-foot around either IMO - just be straight-forward and nip it in the bud..... "that really won't happen MIL so please drop it" should suffice.

You found out this weekend they had keys to your house? You didn't know? Given the situation you describe, definitely change the locks.

I would say the plus point is that you're 120miles away now. That should make it easier to reduce contact a touch to give you and your DD some space.

Why not have two birthday parties this year on separate days. The first for DD's friends/your friends and the second with family. That way you get to decide on cake/party/decorations etc and will be able to tolerate MILs demands on the second. I would not mention the first party at all to MIL btw until it's too late for her to have a strop and try to interfere.

Snort, Just had to drop in here that when he is errrr, from 7 to 17, you might beg her to have the bday parties. They were always one of my biggest dreads kids parties. equals: dozens of boys tearing around, romping & fighting, noise, & house in bits afterwards.

I wouldn't advise writing a letter. It will be shown to all and sundry and produced as "evidence" of your unreasonableness and MIL will be the crying, wounded victim who took you in when you had nowhere to live etc.. This woman is toxic and seeking to undermine your position.

It is great you are 120 miles now - just try to restrict the extended visits. My MIL used to do this and I wish I'd been really strong and stood up to her early on. I really only got things under control when me moved to a different city after years of upset. It undermined my relationship with my DP as he would always give in to her. Your MIL is only 57- don't let her use the "not long to live" excuse- my MIL did this and was still using it 20 years on to rule over every Xmas, Easter and Mother's day.

It will continue - my MIL wanted my DD to live with her during the week as we both worked (no way) and as DD got olderMIL always harped on about sleepovers and week long holiday visits - didn't ask me, but spoke to my DD in front of me - so passive aggressive. It was a constant battle with me telling MIL not to do it or else... and then DP talking the warring sides round - with MIL sobbing all the while. Set your marker in the sand early.

Good luck!

Change the locks
Respond to any suggestion that they have her as "how absurd"
And avoid as much as possible
The whole thing is completely bizarre and you gave to stop this before it takes hold

I wouldn't stand for her saying that, my response the next time she did would be 'dear mil, I found it rude & upsetting the first time you said it-it hasn't gotten any better the more you say it. I don't want to fall out with you so please refrain from making comments that undermine mine and your sons relationship with our own child as its really quite rude.' Said with a smile and a nice tone to take the edge off of it.

change your locks and tell dp that under no circumstances does his parents or anybody else get a copy of the new key without your prior agreement.

And the next time she tries to teach your dd to bite/hit etc just get up and move your dd away from her whilst saying 'oh dd I think granny has forgotten how to play nicely come and play with me until she remembers' and if she says anything to you address it to her 'ive asked you not to play like that with her mil, your teaching her things which will get her into a lot of trouble if she does it to another child at nursery or school as she gets older. I don't agree that you having her do these things is cute and I have asked you several times not to do them....like always I don't want to fall out with you but find it very disrespectful and undermining when you ignore our wishes regarding our child'

Oh and as for your dp next time he tells you that you should be the one to talk to them tell him 'his parents, his problem and that if he doesn't deal with it you will ensure that you and your dd just leave everytime they do something that he doesn't deal with and he can explain why to them'

Oh dear, that is a bit much...!
But hopefully the 'terrible twos' will hit any day now and MIL will back off a bit.