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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still struggling with DH's EA 2 1/2 years later

30 replies

printmeanicephoto · 07/04/2015 14:43

DH's EA ended completely with him cutting all contact with OW two and a half years ago. It was an EA plus kissing. However he says he still thinks about her sometimes although less frequently than he used to. The worrying part is he says although he doesn't think about her as much, when he does his feelings for her are just as intense as when the EA happened. I don't really want to share his head space with another woman all this time later. We have 2 Dc and am trying to make things work - married nearly 20 years. Bought him an easter egg on Sun with his favourite chocs inside and he just stared at me blankly and said he didn't want it and I should not of bothered - he's a bit weird with gifts. This annoyed me and I have started dissecting our relationship in my head this week. We're going for more counselling next week after a long break from couples therapy. Told him that he needs to wear a wedding ring (he lost his years ago). I said wearing one was non-negotiable to send signal to other women that he was taken- he said he'd buy a 10 pound ring from Argos and would wear one if he had to but then listed 10 reasons why it would be a problem (doesn't like wearing rings, might lose it again etc). He's generally a good faithful guy, good dad etc and is shocked at himself that he had EA but past and recent behaviour is not giving me the reassurance I need!! Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 07/04/2015 14:51

Ps sorry for long post!! The trust issue is hard but the worst thing is how paranoid it all makes you feel. My self esteem has gone through floor even though in essence he chose me over her.

OP posts:
familyofthree2014 · 07/04/2015 15:00

Is 'generally a good faithful guy, good dad etc' enough for you? What does he add to your life? I would be asking myself whether the relationship was worth all the emotional torture you must have been through / are still going through. He should be doing everything under the sun to make you feel at ease, have confidence, trust him again and it doesn't seem like he is. Just because he didn't leave doesn't really make it ok does it?

Can you see your life without him OP? What is that like? Start thinking things through on your terms, even though it's daunting.

pocketsaviour · 07/04/2015 15:10

The worrying part is he says although he doesn't think about her as much, when he does his feelings for her are just as intense as when the EA happened.

That must have been very hard to hear and I don't blame you for feeling paranoid.

But does he mean his attraction to her specifically is still the same, or does he still feel a need to add something more to his life? The excitement factor I suppose (although I know that's a cliché)

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 07/04/2015 15:11

Yeah I don't know if it is enough. We had a rocky marriage before EA. He just isn't giving me the reassurance I need. He says he's just taking it one day at a time which I understand. But I would have liked a few grand gestures after EA to feel special.

OP posts:
mamaslatts · 07/04/2015 15:16

He sounds incredibly hard work. How long has the marriage been rocky if it was rocky before EA and still sounds so now? How long are you prepared to give it?

Apart from attend therapy, what has he actually done to repair your marriage or does he believe simply 'not leaving' was him doing his bit? You sound really quite unhappy.
Flowers

thecatsmother72 · 07/04/2015 15:24

I'm sorry you're going through this.

What we're the circumstances of the EA finishing? Did he end it himself, did he confess to you, did you find out while it was still going on?

Flowers to you

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 15:28

You can't be 'generally' faithful, you're either faithful or you're not.

I think you're trying to make a relationship work with someone who doesn't want to it to. You're making all the effort - forgiveness, Easter Eggs etc and he just sits around grouching, feeling sorry for himself.

After 2 years he says he's still into OW as much as when he was having an affair with her. Ok fine, so now it's time to tell him to bugger off.

Don't waste anymore of your life trying to play tennis with someone who can't be arsed to hit the balls back, who's focused on a woman playing on another court.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 15:30

He says he's just taking it one day at a time which I understand.

Big of him Hmm

PoppyField · 07/04/2015 15:50

Not so much 'struggling with an EA' as struggling with an obnoxious git.

Opening a gift and telling you shouldn't have bothered. He's really trying isn't he?

Like others have said, it sounds as if you are the only one in the relationship working hard to make a go of it. He acts as if you owe him something, when in fact it is totally the other way around.

I would use the counselling to issue him with an ultimatum. Sorry to sound harsh, but you sound deeply unhappy and I'm not surprised. He doesn't seem to care that you are unhappy. You are therefore right to question whether he really cares about you.

p.s. Not sure I think there is any point in 'telling' him he has to wear a wedding ring. What's the point in making him wear a sign that he's taken... the fact that you think he needs to wear a ring, instead of trusting him just to manage not to give other women the come-on. Surely that is the least you can expect? He shouldn't need a wedding to manage that!

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 16:30

2 years after an affair, he should be the one bending over backwards to convince you that it's you he wants to be with. Buying you presents, wearing his wedding ring, generally reassuring you etc.

You can't make his amends for him.

mammadiggingdeep · 07/04/2015 16:30

Putting the EA thing and his feelings for the ow to one side for a minute...I'm actually stick on him looking blankly at you when you'd bought him a thoughtful gift of his fabe chocs. Ungrateful and rude. Somebody else said up thread that he sounds hard work. He does! The whole situation sounds hard work.

Flowers you have my sympathy...the feeling of low self esteem caused by a cheating partners behaviour is horrendous.

mammadiggingdeep · 07/04/2015 16:31

stuck not stick fave not fabe

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 07/04/2015 17:02

Twinkle - yes maybe subconsciously I am doing unto him what I would like done to myself - buying gifts etc. Interesting ...

OP posts:
mistymeanour · 07/04/2015 17:28

"his behaviour is not giving me the reassurance I need" -I think that sums it up.
Over 2 years on he is not meeting your need for affirmation. Saying he still feels intensely about OW means that you are still on the backfoot and doing the "choose me dance" , working extra hard on the relationship when he is the one that needs to go above and beyond to rectify the imbalance inthe relationship.

"Taking it one day at a time" is a lame excuse and a good control mechanism - it blocks out future planning and agreements to work on things (e.g. date nights, exercises to rebuild intimacy) and means he stays in control.

Book that counselling asap and call your H out on his commitment to your ongoing relationship - he is making you unhappy (he knows he is) and is not trying to meet your needs.

beerbelly · 07/04/2015 17:29

It sounds like you are doing all the things he should. I am only 3 weeks after finding out about DH's affair - he has cut all contact and is very repentent. However, because I have read messages of love from him to her, see evidence of him - for want of a better word - wooing her, I have told him I need some of the same. He needs to show me the same effort he was clearly showing her.

I don't know how long this need will go on for but I wouldn't expect DH to ever tell me he still thinks of her or reject a gift from me. Unfaithful DHs need to do all the running for as long as it takes.

loveareadingthanks · 07/04/2015 17:49

'Don't waste anymore of your life trying to play tennis with someone who can't be arsed to hit the balls back, who's focused on a woman playing on another court.'

Honestly, this is the best way I've ever seen this expressed, and it's so very true. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound as though he has any real spark for you, or interest in you, but is just going through the motions (for the children's sake?).

Ex had an EA. For the last 2 years of our relationship I was frantically hitting balls in his direction and getting nothing back. When it all came out, I did the pick me dance. He picked her. 3 years down the line I'm so relieved he did, or I would still be frozen in that miserable bloody awful non-relationship. She is more than welcome to him and I'm happier than I had been in years.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 07/04/2015 17:50

My DH doesn't do any running. He thinks the fact he is still here is enough. He does talk and listen and did suggest date nights the other day so that's a start I suppose.

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 07/04/2015 17:54

Why only starting 2.5 years after it all happened? He thinks you should be grateful just for his presence and his 'sacrifice' in giving up the woman he loves? That's how it sounds to me.

Think hard about all this and what sort of life you can have together, and if it's ever going to be the sort of life you deserve.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 18:20

"that's a start I suppose"

a "start" after 2 years ?

Not. Good. Enough.

You sound very resigned, love. Sad to see.

cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 19:12

My initial reaction is that he's actually punishing you - exacting retribution/payment for something. (I say 'something' because I'm not entirely sure that he's making your life a misery just because of this EA that he relinquished - I suspect it's of longer/a different standing.)

What was happening in your relationship before the EA?

cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 19:15

PS - in fact, it sounds as if he's enjoying himself. Some of the things he's done have been really quite cruel.

Was he ever cruel to you in the past?

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/04/2015 19:23

My STBXH had an affair. I did the pick me dance. In the end he went running to the OW. During those 6 weeks of me trying everything to make him happy i spent the whole time crying, feeling insecure, checking his pockets etc. In hindsight I'm glad he chose her as I think I would have had a breakdown as a result of the stress. I did know that I would never be able to trust him again as he had broken my trust.

I look at him now and although I miss the family life and the old him I don't miss how he is now. The ow is welcome to him.

mammadiggingdeep · 07/04/2015 19:27

I think he sounds like he hasn't done enough at all in the 2 years since.

I actually think he sounds like he resents being there to be honest. Moaning about wearing a wedding ring? He's not treating you with the respect you're owed :(

kittensinmydinner · 07/04/2015 19:28

AS my dad always said ' he either worships the ground you walk on OR fuck him off ! Never a truer word.... He is lucky to have you. Get off the back foot and tell him what you need or hit the road . Enough placating him . Really ? ( and I am from the ' stay together if you can camp - so VERY rarely say LTB !

cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 19:36

....he says although he doesn't think about her as much, when he does his feelings for her are just as intense as when the EA happened....

If any man said that to me, he'd be out on the street so fast that his shirt tails would still be hanging out.

....He does talk and listen and did suggest date nights the other day so that's a start I suppose....

Gee that's big of him.

printme

It sounds as if he wants you to pay for his presence. Not monetarily but in terms of taking what (within reason) he dishes out.

You must be miserable.