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Relationships

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Original poster

How to get out of the friendzone

51 replies

ella152 · 07/04/2015 11:41

I've got a male friend that I've known for several years, we share a hobby and so socialise quite a bit, usually trips to the pub with others.

Friend in question has recently become single, after quite a long-term relationship ended. I'm single, have always had a bit of a crush on friend and think it'd be worth us trying out dating. but it is clear from conversations that he sees me as one of the lads. I would like him to start noticing that I'm a single female and therefore in the potential pool of women he could date, thus laying the groundwork for me to possibly make a move in the future (i'm pretty sure any move now would be too soon and also rejected because he doesn't see me that way). I don't want to drastically change my behaviour but any suggestions on how i can get him to notice I'm female rather than just a drinking buddy.

OP posts:

Maliceaforethought · 07/04/2015 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackiebrambles · 07/04/2015 11:48

Hmm, tricky!

What sort of things has he said/done that make you think he sees you as 'one of the lads'?

MadeMan · 07/04/2015 12:10

There's always a chance he sees you as more than just one of the lads, but he's not suddenly going to try it on with you just because he's single now if he has respect for you as a friend. You're half way there because at least you know each other.

Original poster

ella152 · 07/04/2015 12:46

Jackie: it's partly just his manner with me, we have comfortable conversations about work, sport etc in which he doesn't put in any effort at all to moderate his behaviour or show his 'good' side. With other women he is quite flirty, asks about their lovelife and dating habits and makes small compliments about their appearance.

Also, a woman he clearly found attractive recently moved away and he bluntly pointed out to me that there was now no one left to fancy.

We're both similar ages and I'd say we're evenly matched on appearance (we're both pretty average). We have similar personalities and similar interests. Maybe it's a male / female thing but I've developed my crush on him over the years as I've got to know him as a person, whereas I think blokes might go more on the initial 'wow' factor, which I no longer have as he is so used to me being around.

OP posts:

sebsmummy1 · 07/04/2015 12:51

Ella I know this is a bit of a cliche but is there anything you can go to get him to view you differently. In films they whip off the glasses, change the jeans for a dress, flats for heels, you get the picture. Do you dress and act like one of the lads? Maybe he needs to see you as more of a girly girl.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 07/04/2015 12:51

Are you prepared to lose the friendship if he doesn't feel the same way?

I was in this situation, but the other way around. Once I found out about his feelings, the friendship couldn't be maintained as it was clear he was only friends with me because of what he thought might happen.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 07/04/2015 12:52

but clearly, you should be changing your entire appearance in order to snag a man

AuntieDee · 07/04/2015 12:56

There is very little you can do to get out of the 'friend zone'. If he doesn't fancy you, he doesn't fancy you :( By staying friends with him and hoping more will eventually come of it, you are going to prevent yourself finding real love. I'm speaking from experience here - I wasted 12 years of my life waiting for my 'friend' to notice me :( We even slept together twice but eventually I had to accept that he just wasn't into me...

Greysanderson · 07/04/2015 12:58

I think he only sees you as a friend, it's unlikely he will see you any other way. You could try the appearance change but then that really isn't you.

DCITennison · 07/04/2015 13:01

He knows you're a woman.
He knows you're single.
If he's not interested it's not through a lack of realising either of those things.
Don't change yourself , that would be creepy and ultimately self-defeating.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/04/2015 13:02

I think if romantic feelings really haven't crossed his mind at all, you are onto a loser here. If they have possibly crossed his mind, for example, you have felt a spark at times but not acted on it, or he seems interested in you beyond your hobby and so on, there might be something to work with. I do think though, that if you have felt no vibes at all ever, I'm not sure you can morph into his next girlfriend, even worse, he might take up with you as a stop-gap before he moves on. Be realistic- I have seen too many women waste time (and fertile years if you want children) with men who aren't into them because they are just friends, or they can't be bothered to step out of the way when a move is made. These never ever turn into long-term relationships.

If you have had some vibes, a bit of a spark, interest but at the wrong time, go for it.

I don't think changing your appearance will help enormously but it might help you if you wear something you feel attractive in.

DCITennison · 07/04/2015 13:05

And the "friend zone" doesn't exist.
Not in the context its usually used anyway (generally by men who feel entitled to a sexual relationship with someone who has the audacity to be a female and fails to reciprocate the sexual attraction)

If you're interested in him then just be up front about it.

AuntieDee · 07/04/2015 13:08

'Not in the context its usually used anyway (generally by men who feel entitled to a sexual relationship with someone who has the audacity to be a female and fails to reciprocate the sexual attraction)'

But how is this any different - OP is wondering why he isn't showing interest now he is single.

The way I now see it having been through it if the friend did have genuine feelings he would have left his girlfriend. The fact that he didn't means that the OP would always be second best.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2015 13:17

He doesn't fancy you

BertieBotts · 07/04/2015 13:20

Well a bloke commented on that "What have you always wanted to ask the opposite sex" thread that he wouldn't make a move on a female friend out of respect. So I think you need to make it clear that you wouldn't be offended and would in fact be delighted if he does in fact find you relationship material.

How you do that without risking grave embarrassment of course is another matter.

Get drunk and snog him? :o

DCITennison · 07/04/2015 13:20

AuntieDee - it's no different at all.

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 13:21

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like he fancies you from what he says.

However, it is true that that you can change how a guy sees you with judicious use of make up and heels. I've done it myself in the past. I'm not suggesting you change yourself in any way, you only need to do it a few times max. You just need to jolt him out of seeing you as comfy slippers and notice you as a woman.

However, to be fair, you may try it and he still doesn't fancy you. But at least you will have done all you can.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 13:21

I've found from experience, having had male friends my whole life, that generally a man decides pretty much straight away whether or not he finds a woman attractive. And there isn't any changing that, as a rule.

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 13:22

Ha! Cross-posts with Twinkle

Greysanderson · 07/04/2015 13:27

I agree with CMOT generally men have pretty much decided whether they find someone attractive the first time they meet rarely does that change.

If this guy was the shy type I would say try your luck but since he has no problem flirting with women and talks to you about other women he likes then he really only sees you as a friend.

rb32 · 07/04/2015 13:27

It's pretty simple really, tell him there might be a chance of something more. Us men are not mind reader and if you've been friends with him for a long while and nothing has ever been said then he's not going to suddenly go looking for them.

Even if he's constantly wanted you since you've known him, he might just like you alot and not want to risk losing your company by saying anything!

TheChandler · 07/04/2015 13:31

I second the get drunk and snog him suggestion. He sounds like he doesn't fancy you/see you in that way, he may be one of those men who thinks its only correct to fancy strangers rather than people he knows, but you can do stuff to try and change that. Physical contact might work, if not, just say you were drunk and laugh it off, which if he really does just see you as one of the lads, he should be able to!

I honestly don't know what some men want in a woman. I see so many of them making odd choices, and ignoring women they have plenty in common with who are right there in front of them, in favour of a Thai bride who speaks no English, someone they have met over the internet, met once for a week's holiday who lives in a different country and whom they are now engaged to, and men who repeatedly pick women who don't work and don't share their hobbies, because they want to have some separate life and just want a nice little housewife at home, then break up with them because they don't contribute financially and don't have anything in common!

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 13:35

CMOT

I think women are put in the yes or no box on first meeting (I do that too), but many female friends go in the yes box despite the friendship being platonic.

I've always had male friends too. I went out with two of my friends, and I snogged various others when we were younger, so I don't think anything is clear cut.

One of my best friends married her best male friend. She told him she had feelings for him. He said he didn't see her like that so he'd have to think about it. After quite a while he decided he did like her and now they have 3 kids.

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 13:38

Personally I wouldn't get drunk and try and snog him or tell him you like him upfront until you've tried to see if you can establish a more flirty relationship, & he's seen you in something short and tight (depending on your age). If that doesn't work, the chances of ending up with egg on your face are fairly high...

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 07/04/2015 13:44

I was totally generalising back there, I know!

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