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Relationships

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Original poster

How to get out of the friendzone

51 replies

ella152 · 07/04/2015 11:41

I've got a male friend that I've known for several years, we share a hobby and so socialise quite a bit, usually trips to the pub with others.

Friend in question has recently become single, after quite a long-term relationship ended. I'm single, have always had a bit of a crush on friend and think it'd be worth us trying out dating. but it is clear from conversations that he sees me as one of the lads. I would like him to start noticing that I'm a single female and therefore in the potential pool of women he could date, thus laying the groundwork for me to possibly make a move in the future (i'm pretty sure any move now would be too soon and also rejected because he doesn't see me that way). I don't want to drastically change my behaviour but any suggestions on how i can get him to notice I'm female rather than just a drinking buddy.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 07/04/2015 13:49

I'd be tempted to get my hair done buy new make-up and clothes and arrange to meet in a nice restaurant or similar and be a bit more flirty but not too obviously so. Certainly don't recommend some sort of drunken seduction which you are bound to regret.

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 13:50

Yeah me too.

beaglesaresweet · 07/04/2015 17:12

'sees you in something short and tight'?? God, really? IMO if a man fancies you, you do not have to tart yourself up so obviously, it's either there or not. He might also be in shock (not in a good way) seeing a long term friend suddenly showing lack of taste!

Subtle makeup change or heels are much better suggestion IMO, as someone suggested. But it's really in the flirty vibes more than anything, though Iknow some people aren't good at it.

If you can't do flirting, you could try just being upfront but do it in a light hearted tone, i.e. 'you are my type' or something.

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 17:45

Yeah me too this was in reply to CMOT

beagles ffs grow up, it was tongue in cheek.

Walkacrossthesand · 07/04/2015 18:38

Was it, twinkle? But surely, if he's a modern male and has been paying attention, he'll know that no matter how short and tight a woman's attire, he must not infer anything about her interest in him. Ergo, no point in wearing 'short & tight' to catch his eye - and not something to joke about. Now my tongue is slightly in my cheek - but we can't have it both ways.

Jackiebrambles · 07/04/2015 18:46

I don't think you should change your appearance (unless you want to!) or get drunk and do something wild like jump on him. But flirting a bit might be an idea when you next see him and see if he flirts back!

I do agree with some of the other posters though, there's a good chance he will have decided a while ago whether he fancies you or not!

beaglesaresweet · 07/04/2015 18:50

Walkacross, yes that s the other valid point! I wasnt seriously shocked obviously, Twinkle, its just a cringe (even as a joke).

Twinklestein · 07/04/2015 18:56

You've rather missed the point sand as the point of sexing yourself up is to jolt someone into seeing you differently, rather than trying to communicate interest. If you want to do that you just have to flirt.

HolgerDanske · 07/04/2015 18:59

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if I repeat things.

It's quite possible he could fancy you at some stage if he knew you were open to the idea - he could well have mentally put you out of bounds whilst he or you or both were attached. It's also quite possible he doesn't and won't ever fancy you. What you need to do is tell him that you'd be up for it. But you will have to be able to take it well if he doesn't reciprocate, otherwise it will ruin the friendship thing.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/04/2015 20:46

Perhaps something along the lines of "do you think there's an elephant in the room, and if so, whose is it?".

Subtle and slightly bizarre. Then of course you can go crimson and say "ummm..." a lot.

Maliceaforethought · 07/04/2015 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SelfLoathing · 08/04/2015 00:25

God, really? IMO if a man fancies you, you do not have to tart yourself up so obviously, it's either there or not.

That's a bit simplistic. Not the tarting up bit - but that a man fancies you or not irrespective of how you look.

(not saying this is OP btw but just to illustrate a point) a woman who always wears baggy dirty jeans and androgynous clothing, makes no effort and has hair scraped back may just not look attractive as everything is hidden and unapealling.

Same woman - fitted clothes, hair down, clean and swingy will look very different.

It's unrealistic to pretend how you dress isn't part of how attractive you can be.

Same is true for guys - greasy long hair, unshaven, nasty clothes may not be attractive to a lot of people. same guy - short back and sides, close shave and a nice suit = a different proposition.

OP - I'd also second the try to engineer a drunk situation for a drunk snog - but you need to leave it for a bit if he's newly single.

Original poster

ella152 · 08/04/2015 08:19

Thanks for all the comments and the interesting discussion. I don't think the drunken snog approach is a very good one, if he doesn't fancy me then this could go horribly wrong.

But I agree with those of you that said I could do things to increase the potential of him fancying me. Mixing up my wardrobe a bit might help and also a little flirting. I've never flirted with him in the past as 1) he was attached and 2) I'm only good at flirting with people who are 'safe' i.e. I don't fancy them or they have made it very clear that they like me. Any suggestions about how I can very subtly flirt?

OP posts:

ineedabodytransplant · 08/04/2015 10:16

I'm a bloke and recently seperated, well late last year. Anyway, I have two single female friends who I have always thought think are pretty fancible but I wouldn't want to 'rock the boat' by trying anything on. I have never, ever made my thoughts known that I find them attractive. Even now. If the feelings weren't reciprocated then I could potentially lose a friend. How good a friend is he OP? Someone who you could talk to quietly?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/04/2015 11:01

Do you know why his relationship ended, and how he feels about it? If he is heartbroken because his partner dumped him, you might get a 'comfort' shag out of him but probably not much more. If it was a mutual, amicable breakup then dropping a few hints won't do any harm.

laurierf · 08/04/2015 11:17

How about mixing your wardrobe up, freshening up your appearance etc. (if you feel like it would do you some good) and try a bit of online dating? a) will help you with a bit of flirting practice b) will remind friend you are female and single c) you might have some fun and meet someone you fancy and who fancies the pants off you too? Less risk to your friendship if it looks like your friend doesn't fancy you as any flirty hints you put his way could be brushed off as light-hearted if they don't go down well, you're not pining after the love of your life, you haven't got all your eggs in one basket etc.

Latara · 08/04/2015 11:19

I know a woman who married a friend of more than 12 years standing.. it can happen.

I just don't know about the appearance thing - I mean I know that men do react well if you 'do yourself up' but I've met men (who've really tried it on too) when I've been looking plain, in trousers with trainers & minimal make up, hair tied back etc etc. Yet at times when I've gone out & dressed up I've had no-one try it on including male friends who I've been socialising with.

heylilbunny · 08/04/2015 11:20

My best friend moved himself out of the Friendzone and we have been happily married for 19 years in June. He basically put his cards on the table. First I was very shocked as I always knew he fancied me but I thought he was just interested in a fling which I wasn't. When he told me how he felt I actually started to cry to think someone so lovely really cared that much about me. It took a few days of thinking about but we started dating a week later and were married within the year.

So I guess all I am saying is honesty can be the best policy. Being great friends is a fantastic base for a happy marriage.

My DH just got me alone while on a road trip with friends by taking his dog for a walk (!). I think have some intimate time together like ask him round for dinner and share a bottle of wine. Change the setting from normal, tell him you really like him and ask him to think about it. Just jolting him out of the normal routine and to take another look could do the trick.

Maybe he is not interested but you would regret not saying anything if he meets someone else this weekend.

Stormtreader · 08/04/2015 11:26

The "mixing up your appearance" suggestion is a good one, youre really just trying to get him to actually SEE you again instead of just seeing his "mate".

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2015 11:26

I would do exactly as the poster above outlined.

Getting dressed up, trying subtle flirting techniques and hoping he'll get the idea, arranging a drunken snog, it all smacks a little too much of playing games to me. If he's such a good friend the two of you presumably communicate well and are on a similar wavelength. I would just tell him.

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2015 11:27

(Referring to heylilbunny's post)

RabidFairy · 08/04/2015 11:45

I know it's really boring and not the done thing as per the movies but I suggest talking to the guy. He's your friend, right? So get him alone and explain how you feel.

laurierf · 08/04/2015 11:51

i'm pretty sure any move now would be too soon and also rejected because he doesn't see me that way

You could of course try talking to him…. or you could widen your horizons and then speak to him if/when the timing feels right.

heylilbunny · 08/04/2015 12:09

Also IME the idea of "giving him time" from his last relationship can be a bad one. I find most men (most people) don't like to be alone long especially if they have been in a LTR and the good ones get snapped up quickly.

I remember one of my best friends "taking a break" from her relationship in our 20s because she was dealing with some emotional issues. Another woman in their group of friends moved straight in on her EX and they were quickly married. He was a keeper but she didn't recognize it until it was too late.

If you know what you want go for it.

CheersMedea · 08/04/2015 12:55

Re: mixing up how you dress I'd recommend this book for ideas.

www.randomhouse.com/book/160601/the-manual-by-steve-santagati

The whole premise of it is supposedly a guide about how to date "bad boys" and come out on top. Ignore all that stuff - as there is some crap in it.

However, it has loads of great information and advice about how men think generally. And is unusual in that most dating books giving advice about how to date men are written by women. If you can sift the wheat from the chaff, there is a lot in this book that makes a lot of sense and is good advice.

It includes a bit about dressing in attractive way but differently. Eg. if you are normally jeans/t-shirt try a full on fox dress and heels look occasionally; if you are normally ultra professional suit, try a more relaxed look; etc.

Worth reading for advice about men as I said. But definitely not endorsing the entirety of what he says.

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