why do i keep getting wobbles - please advise me

[hidethemirrortoday]

9 weeks now since we separated after 30+ years. I have lots of lovely friends and a good social life but I keep looking forward to the times when I see him out and about.
He has promised me he has seen the light and realised what a pig he was to me. I have had bouquets from him and offers of help with garden etc. and he is now being caring when he needs to text for practical things. At the moment he would do anything for me at the drop of hat. But...he was awful for a few years before we split.
I am now wondering if bad circumstances we went through near the end changed him and now this has jolted him back to the nice guy he was. I dont want to give him a chance and then have to go through a split again but I do miss him.
When he was bad he was vile but he is just being so lovely now.
Can anyone offer me some advice please

He is now hoovering you back in. to make himself feel better.

Do NOT take him back, he is showing you that he COULD have been nice any time he liked, but chose not to be.

You won't trust him again.

IF he's serious, he can go on perpetrator courses, do therapy and spend a good few years on his own.

The wobbing YOU are feeling is the dips in adrenaline. Remember what he was really like and remind yourself of why you split. Never allow yourself to forget what he did.

You need to do the Freedom Programme (it's free) do it in person (12 weeks) as it's more effective. If you can do therapy etc please do. It will fast track your recovery. Read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That too.

and keep posting! have you found the thread here about emotional abuse?

FWIW, MY abusive ex 'saw the light' cried and I almost believed him. A few months later, when that didn't work, he's spouting the same old poison he spouted before.

They don't change.

He is now hoovering you back in

Exactly this ^^^^

He's been abusive to you for years and years.
His little play thing has now gone and he needs it back.
Tough shit.
Do NOT give in to his few niceties that he is using to reel you in.
Write down everything he did to you on a big piece of paper.
Every little thing you can think of.
Then read and re-read it.
You are now free of a nasty abusive man. Don't be taken in by his manipulation now.
No doubt he's running out of clean undies and needs his little slave back to sort it all out.
Don't be fooled.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to answer me
I know you are all right in what you say but I still find it melts my heart when he is nice! I got chatted up last week and I felt so disloyal and guilty, like I had cheated. I don't know how I can emotionally move on

Good tip to write things down will do that as I dont feel I can do counselling though but will look at the book

These are SUCH early days darling, be kind to yourself?

I couldn't even call to book myself into the freedom programme! I had to call woman's aid and blub to them for 45 minutes before I could call the course...

Keep posting, you are in excellent company... Loads of us have been where you are now, and are a gazillion times happier now.

Yes there is a lot of hard work ahead of you, but it's worth it, as YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Thanks Hissy means a lot to have some support. I am so fed up with people coming up to me and saying is HE ok? People think I am really strong but I am just having to be

You have to start telling the truth about who he is. Gently and with class, but debunk his perfect illusion.

They all do this btw..

Read the Lundy book... You'll see

I signed up for the online Freedom Programme last night will have a look at that
Thanks Hissy

Are you ok now Hissy it sounds like you have been through a terrible time

I think that just shows you what a Jekyll and Hyde he is, not good traits.

it is early days, stay strong, he is probably trying to do exactly what has been said, don't be fooled again.

He has just rang and invited me out to dinner, told him no thanks but was tempted!

I am 5 months down the line and am having a bit of a crisis myself atm... You are very much just starting on your journey to freedom, but recognise that even if you are 100% certain you've made the right decision (I am) the transition is still hard.

Over the easter weekend I was sick & tired of people asking me how HE was ... Like cos the split was my decision is somehow my responsibly to ensure he's OK..... he was an EA twat for 20+yrs ffs!!

Yougot Its ridiculous isnt it how we get the blame cos we decided we have had enough!
Also all the men I know are the ones who say...give it another try, he will be different, he deserves a chance blah blah
What crisis are you going through, wobbles?

Not wobbles about my decision, I think I have had to suppress my emotions to be able to do what I needed to do and 5 months later (for whatever reason) they have jumped up an smacked me firmly in the face....

I've been crying / on the verge of crying all day, thankfully I've managed to get an appt with a counsellor tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to start to process how I'm feeling.

Please come and talk if you need to. I am here for you

Thank you, I'll be ok. My natural instinct is to compartmentalise and just get on with things and right now I have a couple of friends who are going thru a REALLY bad time so it's hard not to compare and minimise my own situation.

Glad you are ok yougota

It is SO important that we acknowledge what WE ourselves went through and NOT minimise the experience. we deserve the sympathy and love that was denied us.

hide I know what you are doing in offering to help yougota and yougota you are helping your friends.... but you have to learn to help yourselves too my dears!

Yes I know it feels awkward, strange and uncomfortable. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to accept compliments yet, I KNOW how alien a concept THAT is...

Adrenalin keeps us going to begin with, but around the 6m mark it wears off and reality hits. You have been victims of terrible wrongs from people that should have been there for you and should have wanted the best for you.

No person has the right to abuse another, under any circumstances. EVER

I think the Online Freedom Programme is better than nothing, but the weekly sessions are better - even so, they fall VERY far short of the golden bullet you think/hope they are. (personally speaking)

I did the FP, AND a free DV support group AND private counselling - it was gruelling and expensive and ALMOST enough to brainwash me BACK out into normal life.

5 years on, I'm OK. I've had longish term relationships, (single at the moment, and actively looking for the love of my life) my son is awesome and i don't have to put up with any shit in my life any more. The ex knows not to push me or he'll get it both barrels (he's abroad, it's easier therefore)

That said, he reckons he is coming to the UK for a while this year, this bothers me A LOT. I don't know how I will feel having him near me again.

hissy you talk such sense and say exactly what I would day to a friend.... Why is it so difficult to accept this advice from myself? The trigger to all this is that someone was nice to me..... There was no caveat to them being nice, they didn't want anything in return, the compliment was not backhanded in anyway, they were just genuinely being nice and I couldn't handle it.

How f*cking ridiculous!!!

You're right about running on adrenalin... I've been so focused on being ok, I haven't stopped for long enough to decide whether or not I am OK. As it was my decision to split I kinda thought I've just got to suck it up if I feel shit....

To admit how toxic my marriage was is scary tho .... I stayed with him for 23yrs!!

You just dig deep love, remind yourself of the bad bits and show yourself how far you have come, but by bit.

Now every day is upward looking, before it was only ever spiralling downwards

It's unsettling to have hope in your life where before there was only loss, despair and loneliness.

But gradually you'll get used to it!

Our abusers teach us that we are the bottom of the heap. So that's what we believe.

Having someone else to put love and effort into is what we've been conditioned to do. Especially at our own expense.

Being selfish is alien to us.

Saying NO is the first word we learn in our recovery, and it's so empowering.

We have to get used to that, and then learn to say yes to ourselves again. It's a gradual process

You can (all/both) do it!

Hissy is absolutely right about the hoovering, op. He is still the same person underneath the current facade. Don't be fooled.

You are all so right I know. I MUST stay strong but I keep thinking should I give him one last chance. I wish I could get back the strong feelings I had 3 weeks ago where I felt totally free from him emotionally

No, you shouldn't give him one last chance. Trust someone who has made that mistake before and been burned!!

He had lots of chances to be nicer when you were together, but you weren't important enough for him to bother... then. He may realise now, but the tendency for people to fall back into their bad old habits is very very strong. The first time he acts like a twat in your new hypothetical life together, you'll pick him up on it. He may apologise. Then the next time he does it, you'll pick him up on it again and he may apologise again (more grudgingly this time). The next time he does it, you'll pick him up on it and he'll get angry at you for being a nagging shrew because he SAID he was sorry, didn't he?

^^and there you are, right back where you were before.

No more chances.