Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

The practicalities of relationships

33 replies

whitecandles · 07/04/2015 08:10

I'm in a fairly new relationship but one that feels like it is getting serious. I feel like he really loves and respects me, and I feel the same. We have fun, he listens to me, even if we don't always agree. I live in Korea and met this guy a few months ago.

But there are so many practical things to consider and I don't really know if it can work. But it seems so sad to give up on something because it will be difficult. Do people give up relationships because it's just too hard to get over some practical things?

For example: I am a teacher, and I am really keen to get further qualifications, a Masters and maybe even a phd. I'd love to work in research. He, on the other hand, has no qualifications. He completed a year of his degree, went to do his military service (he is Korean, and it is mandatory here), and realised he didn't want to go back to university. That's fine, I know not everyone has to go to university, but I worry about how it would affect our future. After all, how easy is it to get a job with no qualifications these days? What about if I wanted to go back to university? How could he support us? And what if we had babies? How would that work? I'm not sure if I could handle going back to work and leaving a newborn.

Like I said, he's Korean. I'm from the UK. As well as all the cultural differences (and there are a lot), it's another practical issue. Koreans tend to be very connected to their families and ancestors, and I just can't imagine him wanting to live away from here forever. And I can't imagine living here for the rest of my life. I like it, but it is a really difficult culture to live in at times, especially workwise.

And there is a big age gap. He's 22, I'm 32. It is not unusual for guys to get married at that age here, after military service, they are basically considered 'men'. And I'm a pretty young 32. But of course, there are problems occasionally with the age gap. He isn't that up for clubbing and stuff, but sometimes I do realise how young he is.

I have never in my life been inclined to follow my head. But I am a naturally nervous person who thinks way too much and right now, I am just seeing a ton of problems. It makes me sad, cos I really would love things to work out with him. He treats me so well, we talk about issues, he helps me with things...but I can't help turning things over in my head all the time.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

FloristryCommission · 07/04/2015 08:14

I think sometimes relationships aren't sustainable, for whatever reason and this may be one of those times.
I wouldn't pursue a relationship in these circa, but everyone is different.

Quitelikely · 07/04/2015 08:17

I think you should listen to your instinct.

Love does not pay the bills.

BertieBotts · 07/04/2015 08:18

Have you talked to him about these things to see how he feels?

Yes it is worth dropping a relationship over practical things, it is sad when it happens but the alternative is one or both of you never really being happy long term, so it doesn't make sense if the barriers are too great. Part on good terms and be on your way.

Having said that, how long have you been together? You say you only met him a few months ago? I reckon 6 months is long enough to hash out practicalities. If you really can't see a convergent path then better to end it at that point rather than trying to change his or your mind, it would be kinder.

Peacocklady · 07/04/2015 08:20

I think your concerns are valid but I would just enjoy the relationship for what it is now until the time comes to make more long term decisions eg moving in together. Unless you are looking to settle down now, that is, in which case I think perhaps your brain is telling you something. If you see yourself living in the uk long term (if that's your home country) you'd be better with someone who definitely wants to be there too.

Vivacia · 07/04/2015 08:26

But I am a naturally nervous person who thinks way too much and right now, I am just seeing a ton of problems.

Don't judge yourself harshly. It was probably the way you learned to behave as a child. It probably made sense back then too. But if it's making you sad, as you now say it is, then perhaps it's time to try something different? How about enjoying this relationship for what it is right now? Focus on today and worry less about tomorrow?

Original poster

whitecandles · 07/04/2015 09:22

The thing is, I do try to focus on now. I can do it with almost everything else, but not with relationships. I know it will hurt so much if it ends (I am not good at endings) and probably the longer it goes on, the more it will hurt if it does.

We have spoken about all of these issues. I just think he doesn't really understand the practicalities of a serious relationship. He's never lived with anyone...

Ugh, I don't know.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 07/04/2015 09:32

In your 30s if you want children I think you're right to be looking ahead. Push past that "Oh god it's going to hurt" because that's a given, even when I left my abusive ex it hurt, it always hurts. You do need to get straight to the point as to whether you have a future by 6 months or so.

He sounds really young! Not really understanding is a bit too wishy washy to base a life on. Fine if you were also 22 and had buckets of time.

If you don't want children or are a bit "If it happens it happens" then you do have time to meander and see how it goes but if you definitely want them, then I reckon you should cut your losses now.

cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 09:34

Has he spoken to his family about you? And do you interact with them?

Vivacia · 07/04/2015 09:39

99% of all relationships (of any kind) hurt if they end, but humans keep on creating them.

Perhaps this is a case of two good people, but just isn't the right time and right place?

Original poster

whitecandles · 07/04/2015 10:02

Bertie, i dunno about kids. Bit 'if it happens it happens'.

cozietoesie, he talks to his parents about me. I am meant to be meeting them this weekend, maybe that's what brought it to a head.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 12:39

That might be interesting and informative given that Koreans are traditionally very family oriented. (Although giving up his university continuance might just imply a rebellious streak on his part.) Does he have any idea what he intends to do in its stead or is he thinking of relying on your earning potential?

I have to admit that overall, I think you would have a great many difficulties on your plate here.

TokenGinger · 07/04/2015 20:17

In terms of university - my brother didn't go to university and is currently earning £35k which is pretty healthy for somebody who's not yet 30. He obtained a degree in mortgage consultancy whilst working on the job. He's a manager in a multimillion, if not billion, company now and things look very good for his future. University is not everything; the desire to succeed is.

crazyhead · 07/04/2015 20:32

I am a worrier too and had this level of running issues over in my head with my exes and felt bad about it. Never did with my husband though cos he was clearly right for me. Respect your instinct - just because someone is lovely doesn't make them right for you.

Original poster

whitecandles · 08/04/2015 02:45

cozietoesie - he wants to do something with languages, I think he would like to study again, just not in Korea. He is really good at languages, his English is great even though he hasn't studied that much. He is definitely not lazy, he works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week at the moment, and saves almost everything, as well as giving money to his parents (which is a bit of a reversal for Korea, most Koreans support their kids well into adulthood.) He would not be happy living off me at all. Even though he earns a lot less than me, he always wants to pay, buys me stuff...he's definitely not looking for a free ride. I have a lot of respect for him for how hard he works without a word of complaint. It's in total contrast to my last boyfriend here who worked in a really good job, earned 3 times what I do, and yes, worked long hours, but omg, the constant moaning about it.

TokenGinger, it's great your brother can do that, but it's not realistic for everyone at the end of the day. Of course some will make it, but just by the law of averages, not everyone will.

crazyhead - well, I respect my instinct to an extent. I avoid anyone who is obviously a fuck up. But I do also believe that love is a choice to an extent. I really doubt I'll ever meet someone and just think 'yes, you are right for me,' because I'm just not that sort of person. I can't even commit to thinking a cheese and pickle sandwich is the right sandwich for me this lunchtime.

Thanks for all these thoughts...I am feeling a lot calmer about this today, but any more comments welcome.

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 08/04/2015 06:07

I think you are moving to fast. Don't worry about what the future holds. Don't worry about commitments and children right now. Just focus on the relationship right now.

blueberrypie0112 · 08/04/2015 06:12

oh btw, my sister was able to get far more jobs when she had a bachelor degree, but when she got her Masters, She had less jobs and less interviews (she is still looking for jobs and it have been nearly a year... but I do think her problem that she is a over-thinker like you which made it difficult for her to even find jobs as she turned down jobs.

She think they just don't want to pay big money because of her degree. So this guy will be alright as far as jobs.

Original poster

whitecandles · 08/04/2015 06:17

blueberry, thanks for your message. Like I said upthread though, I think saying 'focus on now' is easily said, less easily done and tbh, I just try to accept these days that that is not how my brain works in terms of relationships. I've had therapy to try to deal with my anxiety, but I simply cannot help but think about the future.

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 08/04/2015 06:19

Does he know you are looking for a serious relationship?

blueberrypie0112 · 08/04/2015 06:29

"We have spoken about all of these issues. I just think he doesn't really understand the practicalities of a serious relationship. He's never lived with anyone..."

Then it sounds like he is too young at the moment. He probably just want to explore and not think about commitments and the future.

LIKEMARMITEYOULIKEMEORHATEME · 08/04/2015 09:14

So here it goes.
Dh. Degree in engineering
me no Gsce's no degree and am not academic at all.
it can work if you respect each others differences but i think its about in the end if you click and if you have that connection
With him thats all he is going to need to make you happy.

Original poster

whitecandles · 08/04/2015 09:34

blueberry - he is probably more serious about it than me. Korean 22 is not the same as British 22. He's been through the military, once they're done with that, most start thinking seriously about marriage/kids.

And also very normal not to have lived with anyone, cos most people here don't cohabit before marriage. They live with their parents. But I have lived with boyfriends (2) so I am more aware of the practicalities and problems that arise. When we speak about living together, he thinks it will be all sunshine and roses, when obviously I know there will be issues.

marmite - I definitely respect him, I don't care about academic qualifications at all, and he respects the fact that I'm more into books and less out-going. I don't think that's an issue (not for me, at least.) It's more just the practical side of that, whether he can realistically support us if, for example, I got sick or pregnant or whatever.

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 08/04/2015 13:16

I still think he is just young (maturity wise, that is...not his age)

blueberrypie0112 · 08/04/2015 13:19

Of course I am from the u.s. where anyone under 21 is not allowed alcohol.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/04/2015 13:24

Honestly?

The cultural differences are huge.
The educational difference is large.
The age gap is large.

These don't matter now in the first flush of love- they will one day though. Enjoy it for what it is, but I would caution against getting serious. It will be very very hard and life is hard enough anyway...

Original poster

whitecandles · 08/04/2015 14:26

The educational difference doesn't
matter though. It's not about that. It's about whether it could, on a purely practical level, work. I love reading, literature, art. I have, however, no interest in discussing them. Not with my friends who also read etc. I find it bloody boring.

I just worry he can't get a good job.

Yeah the age gap is big but no one blinks an eye when it's the other way round.

And yes, there are cultural differences, of course.

But I'm not asking about those things really. Just about whether it is possible to PRACTICALLY make it work.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2