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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure what I think, Boyfriend as employer

53 replies

holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 05:19

I'm unsure if this should go in Relationships but don't know where else. I'd really appreciate some views on this though. Here's the situation. Boyfriend and I dont live together but see a lot of each other and spend time in each others homes. I'm houseproud, he isnt, his house is typical man, and tbh I find it difficult to be there sometimes when the bathroom is grubby or the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. We get on in lots of ways but I do like to be in a clean house. He has commented on how nice my house is, and recently told me he is thinking about getting a cleaner as he doesnt have time to clean. I didnt advise him one way or another, just said ok, lots of people do. Later he mentioned it again and we had a convo about using an agency, asking neighbours for recommendstions etc. Then earlier this week I was doing the kitchen sink there as we were going to cook, and he suddenly said "I could pay you to clean for me". (I have worked as a domestic clenaer and he knows this, though I dont at present). He was very honest and said his reasoning was that he trusts me, would rather pay me the going rate than an agency, doesnt really want strangers in his home. I could do wit the work, so I said I would think about it, which I am now doing.Anyone got any thoughts on this? Potential problems I havent thought of? Is it really weird that he asked? Would I be really weird to say yes?! I'm a bit in two minds atm but my gut says something like "oh ffs you're both adults, if it suits you both why not?". Its just that I would like an outsiders perspective and for lots of reasons theres no one I can ask IRL. I dont post much but lurk a fair bit and theres sense on here.

OP posts:

mummytime · 07/04/2015 05:31

I would not do this ever. Yes it is weird he even asked (although maybe he is just lacking in real thought about the emotional consequences). I have friends who have agonised over whether they could cope with aqua trances working for them as a cleaner.
From your point of view: what if he was unreasonable as an employer? Eg. Expected a better completed job than the number of hours he was prepared to pay for? Or what about if you had had a row? Or if he was in the house and wasted you cleaning time, with friendly stuff?

From his point of view: what if you don't do a good job? What if you break something - does he react differently if it's when you are there working or when you are there with him? Does he need to pay you if you say do the washing up as a girlfriend? If you comment on mess are you just angering for more hours work?

Have a look at some of the threads about the issues involved sometimes when grandparents do child care. I really think this is a minefield.

HoppityVoosh · 07/04/2015 05:35

I agree with the above. Also, what happens if the relationship progresses and you want to live together, I bet he'll expect you to keep doing your job but without the wage. Bad idea.

Original poster

holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 05:40

No, he has already said if we ever planned to live together (we don't now) we'd have to review. We are both older people if thats relevant. I appreciate what a pp says about GP childcare but this seems a lot less emotive to me?

OP posts:

Nolim · 07/04/2015 05:41

As other posters said it is a bad idea.

Weebirdie · 07/04/2015 05:45

Its a terrible idea because you will forever be in his mind as the person who did the cleaning should the relationship progress.

Also, I think you would really get the hump seeing just how much of a slob he is.

You'll end up feeling like a drudge.

venusandmars · 07/04/2015 05:54

Relationships is exactly the right place for your post.... A good relationship is about balance, respect, equality and communication. And what your boyfriend has suggested threatens to change that completely.

For a start it puts him in a place of authority and power where he had the money and pays you to do the tasks he describes. It might be different if he was paying you for a specific one - off task (such as a garden make - over or decorating a room) but I cannot see how it would work for a task / role which is generally so undefined and open ended and ongoing.

If he is so impressed with your house why don't you let him pay you as an expert consultant - so you could teach him how to manage his time and cleaning more efficiently? That way you would get to stand around and advise him and the best cleaning methods, help him to establish a routine where he undertook small and housekeeping cleaning tasks on a little and often basis, and developed skills and pride in his own work.

At least then if he ever did employ someone to clean for him he would understand the work he was asking them to do.

playftseforme · 07/04/2015 06:03

I worry about the control issue - what if, for example, he forgot to pay you one week - how do you broach that successfully. You say 'please can you pay me', he says, 'don't worry about it, I'll pay you next week' etc etc. It's not a conversation you really want to be having with your bf.

I also worry about you losing respect for him - what happens when you realise how he really lives.

AlternativeTentacles · 07/04/2015 06:14

It is not cleaning thouhg, is it? It will be tidying and all the rest of his shit.

I have to take you up on the typical man house though. Not all men are pigs in the house. Just so as you know. You would be better off finding a man that suits you rather than being paid by one to bring him up to your standards. It sets off a weird dynamic from the start, and what else might he want to pay you for?

Original poster

holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 06:20

Yes, I do know lots of men are not messy, but he doesnt have many faults and he is honest, kind and direct. I've never had problems before with domestic cleans, I've always asked for a list of jobs and been clear about how much time I'll need. Hes not the sort of person who's difficult to reason with and we are very open with each other.

Its interesting that youre all so anti though, hadn't expected that. :)

OP posts:

Aridane · 07/04/2015 06:23

Ugh - no

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/04/2015 06:28

No, it's a terrible idea. For all the reasons the other posters said.

If he wants a cleaner he should get one, just not you.

How long have you been seeing him and what are your expectations of the relationship? I have seen so many posts in Relationships about people driven mad by messy partners...

FishWithABicycle · 07/04/2015 06:31

I wouldn't advise working for your bf for any job, cleaning or otherwise. However, it would apply even more for cleaning - you would be spending your leisure time in your place of work - one of the benefits of a job like cleaning is that once you are done for the day you leave it behind and can relax properly, but this would never be true.

Help him find a decent, trustworthy cleaner - you can make sure he's getting good value for money. If you want to, you can spend the same amount of time cleaning for another customer, and be no worse off financially and a whole lot better off emotionally.

Lagoonablue · 07/04/2015 06:38

Bad idea but I doubt there is any weirdness to him asking. Just the easy option for him.

He can get a cleaner.

Eastpoint · 07/04/2015 06:42

No. Don't do it. It will change your relationship. If you want to go back to cleaning do so, but not for him.

tribpot · 07/04/2015 06:53

Absolutely not.

It's not actually clear from your post that you're looking for work at the moment, nor that the type of work you are doing or looking for is cleaning? Even if both of these things were true, no way should you clean for someone you're in a relationship with. This is his problem, he can hire a cleaner and sort it out.

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 06:54

Wouldn't do this, but I don't think it's that weird to ask!

CheekyWeeGandT · 07/04/2015 07:24

I'm surprised at how strongly people feel. I am going against the grain and think it is ok, if it suits you AND he is decent.
If he is likely to stop paying you or get all weird about it in terms of the relationship then don't do it. But, if not, I think it would be ok - you've done that type of work before, the money would be welcome and you're good at it.
A friend cleans for her sister and gets paid. It works for them.
You could always do it for a trial period and see how it goes.

AlternativeTentacles · 07/04/2015 07:35

A friend cleans for her sister and gets paid

That is completely different - she doesn't stand much hope of being in a romantic relationship with her sister, does she?

TheEggityOddity · 07/04/2015 07:45

Actually i have a friends whose sister class for her and she it's very awkward and wishes she never started

Dosydoly · 07/04/2015 07:47

I don't think it's a terrible idea exactly but what will happen if the relationship progresses and you decide to live together? It might work better as a pp suggested to help him get himself organised rather than doing it for him whether he's paying you or not.

Original poster

holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 07:47

Sorry, im not drip feeding but in answer to above;
Yes I am looking for more work as I onlyhave PT hours at present. Not cleaning but have done years of cleaning also nannying and am comfortable with implications of working in a home for homeowner.
Yes he is decent, very. I have known him a long time but only been dating a couple of years.
I agree family is different, I cleaned for my DB and DSIL and that was fine.

Suppose I just want to be sure that I'm not completely nuts to even consider this IYSWIM. I know it's my business ultimately but I wouldnt want to do it if the whole world thinks its crazy because theres a lot of experience out there to learn from.. And thats how it looks on here!

OP posts:

FloristryCommission · 07/04/2015 07:48

I think it's a reasonable suggestion. Try it out and see how it goes. Just have some ground rules in place.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 07/04/2015 07:50

I can see why he would have suggested it though, in a easy solution to a problem way.

But it's too complicated I think for the relationship.

Original poster

holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 07:50

Another thing is, oneof the reasons we arent considering living together is our different housekeeping styles :)

OP posts:

heyday · 07/04/2015 07:51

All relationships are different. You seem to have a good business head on you and don't seem to have any hang ups about doing this so why not?
In principle it's an ok arrangement. There could however be problems. How would you feel for instance if you cleaned and tidied everything up and then, right in front of your eyes, he started to mess it all up again. Would you start complaining and see it as becoming more work for you? You could up being quite resentful of his messiness.
To be honest, there are so many decent, honest cleaners out there I would go all out to hire one instead of taking on this domestic role in his life. I think it could cause resentments in your relationship but, of course, you are the only person who can make this decision as you are the only person who understands the dynamics of your relationship. No harm in having some idea what the pitfalls could possibly be beforehand though, hence the post I presume?

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