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Original poster

not sure what I think, Boyfriend as employer

53 replies

holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 05:19

I'm unsure if this should go in Relationships but don't know where else. I'd really appreciate some views on this though. Here's the situation. Boyfriend and I dont live together but see a lot of each other and spend time in each others homes. I'm houseproud, he isnt, his house is typical man, and tbh I find it difficult to be there sometimes when the bathroom is grubby or the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. We get on in lots of ways but I do like to be in a clean house. He has commented on how nice my house is, and recently told me he is thinking about getting a cleaner as he doesnt have time to clean. I didnt advise him one way or another, just said ok, lots of people do. Later he mentioned it again and we had a convo about using an agency, asking neighbours for recommendstions etc. Then earlier this week I was doing the kitchen sink there as we were going to cook, and he suddenly said "I could pay you to clean for me". (I have worked as a domestic clenaer and he knows this, though I dont at present). He was very honest and said his reasoning was that he trusts me, would rather pay me the going rate than an agency, doesnt really want strangers in his home. I could do wit the work, so I said I would think about it, which I am now doing.Anyone got any thoughts on this? Potential problems I havent thought of? Is it really weird that he asked? Would I be really weird to say yes?! I'm a bit in two minds atm but my gut says something like "oh ffs you're both adults, if it suits you both why not?". Its just that I would like an outsiders perspective and for lots of reasons theres no one I can ask IRL. I dont post much but lurk a fair bit and theres sense on here.

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 07/04/2015 07:59

I don't think it's so very wrong of him to have asked but I think it would be much better for both of you if he got someone else to clean. In the longer term, a cleaner might make you feel differently about him and his messiness and if someone else deals with that problem it will be much less easy for resentment to creep in. You only have to have a little peek at threads on here to see how upsetting it can be to have two people with different perspectives on tidiness and cleanliness, especially when children come along.

Get a cleaner and see where the relationship goes if he's great in other ways. If the relationship is a runner long term then the cleaner might be its saviour. That won't be the case if you do the cleaning.

It wasn't so wrong of him to suggest it but I think you should keep youself an equal as far as the house keeping goes. We've always had a cleaner because my DH has always said he isn't doing housework because he hates it and it's a fair deal that he pays for somebody to do his share.

wallypops · 07/04/2015 08:20

How about you do a big, paid by the hour, spring clean and write a list of jobs and how long they take for his future cleaner. Bit of cash in hand for you and you get the house up to your standard for the future.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/04/2015 08:29

I think it's fine.

As you say you're both older and are both used to being honest with each other.

If it was me (and you're not me so feel free to ignore it) I would only do it when he wasn't there and I'd have specific start and finish times with maybe a big sort out beforehand (with him) so that you were just cleaning and not sorting out his stuff.

My best friend and I got close to cleaning each other's houses Grin

Debinaround · 07/04/2015 08:34

I think you should give it a try.

You certainly sound like you know what your doing and you don't sound the type to put up with any shit from your BF.

Why not sit down with him and set out the rules and tell him you will give it a try for maybe 2 months then see how you both feel then? It might not work then you can give him a hand finding someone else to do his cleaning if he wants you to.

It might work out fine and you will wonder what you were worrying about.

defineme · 07/04/2015 08:40

Where are the boundaries? You'll do a set period of cleaning, but will you be resentful when you are there the rest of the time if you have to clean the sink...or even worse he expects you to.?
As an aside, I thought ckeaners cleaned not tidied and it sounds like mess is a problem as well as dirt.
However, it is very much in your favour that you have worked for relatives.

Vivacia · 07/04/2015 09:22

I think it's a dreadful idea Sad

FabULouse · 07/04/2015 09:30

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Guiltypleasures001 · 07/04/2015 10:21

If it helps op

I used to have a few cleaning jobs when I was a single mum and my then bf paid for cleaners to come in. Honestly they were useless and his place was affectionally called the hovel.

I knocked a fiver off the price he was paying and offered to do it for him, he was more than happy he got a clean flat I got extra bunce very one was a winner.

We've been together for 10yrs and married for 4, it was a business transaction and never ever felt funny or awkward. Then again were both quite laid back, and if he needed something done differently he'd ask and ide be happy to do it his way.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2015 10:24

I think he should certainly get a cleaner. But not you. Bad idea.

Lweji · 07/04/2015 10:33

If you would otherwise live together, why not take the move and he pays for a cleaner?

BertieBotts · 07/04/2015 10:37

It's a bad idea. It adds a power dynamic to your relationship and I think it will always be there.

It's one thing if you take on more of a share of the cleaning for whatever reason when you live together, but what if further down the line you become incapacitated (age, illness, hands full with children) - would he pick up the slack?

Original poster
holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 11:48

Just to be clear, this isnt the only reason we dont live together, we're both older, I have had my own home for a long time and we are happy in separate houses. We have talked about it but it is something we may do in future not a plan as such.

Guilty pleasues thats really helpful, I was beginning to think I was the first person evef to consider this. I think the "laid back" thing is key, we are both like that and happy to state our preference without arguing so I really dont think there would be a power imbalance. And the housekeeping is an issue now for me and by extension for him, so we are looking for ways to make it better rather than perfect IYSWIM.

Im interested that the first few posts were really anti and the pros came later. Its really useful to have your help with this everyone, mn never ceases to impress me :)

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/04/2015 11:58

In a way, it's a good way to assess his character if you work for him. At least for a while.
It's not like you depend on it for a living, so you could dump him (and the job, or not) easily.

tootsietoo · 07/04/2015 12:01

My instant reaction was no way. But then I thought that it least it is an honest and straightforward way of dealing with the issue than you drifting in to doing his housework, which many people might do. God I wish I got paid for the housework I do!

Personally I could never do it. I am too chippy about housework/finances. But if you are both laid back and you could keep the work time/leisure time boundaries clear then it could work.

Original poster
holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 12:28

Lweji, yes, and tootsie, I dont think it would work for everybody, I do think I have an advantage having done the job. I do clean a bit if im there for the weekend as anyone would, just washing up and bathrooms etc but id expect to carry on doing that anyway, and not refuse to help except as paid. If you do domestic cleans IME itsfar better to agree what jobs need doing then just do them, so it wouldnt bother me if he was messing stuff up between paid visits.its his house after all:)

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/04/2015 12:47

I'm going with the minority here.

It does seem like a logical solution, given all you've told us - that you work as a cleaner anyway, that you are looking for more hours, that he is thinking about having a cleaner but not sure about having a stranger in his house, that you aren't planning to live together, that you are both slightly older, and probably more confident about setting boundaries than youngsters.

Why not say - I'm not sure, so why don't we trial it for a couple of months and see what we both feel, with the clear understanding either of us can say it's not working or it's affecting our relationship at any point and then it will stop.

Original poster
holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 13:08

Have been thinking about this, and wondering if those of you who think its a no no, is it because its cleaning? I know some people dont feel comfortable paying a cleaner, and others would rather starve than actually do a cleaning job, we're all different, but would your advice be the same if say he had asked me to maintain his computer system if I was an IT specialist, or even his garden if I was a landscaper, or cut his hair if I was a hairdresser? Is it different and if so why?

OP posts:
Original poster
holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 13:10

Btw not such a far fetched idea, his PC is ancient and slow, his garden is a (huge lovely) jungle and his hair is Very Natural and lots of it! He could use help with any of them.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/04/2015 14:00

TBH, I'd cut the hair for free (it takes less longer and less effort than cleaning a house) and wouldn't mind a couple of goes on the computer to help out.
The garden I might do if there was some sort of reciprocal agreement.

Vivacia · 07/04/2015 14:41

I think my "No" is partly that it's cleaning, but mostly because his solution to being a dirty, messy bugger is to think, "ah, hole can do it". Secondly it's very unclear where it ends. Hair cutting is once a month tops and unlikely to turn into arguments about who should have washed his hair this morning. Thirdly, are you not still in the romantic, air-of-mystery phase (rather than the cleaner phase)?

Original poster
holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 15:56

I see it as him looking for a solution not to being a "dirty messy b**r" but to our different standards of housekeeping causing problems in our relationship. He doesn't seem to me to think "hole can do it" but more "I need to pay someone to do this? I'll give hole first refusal" After all if I wasn't around he could choose how to live as it's his home and he lives alone. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
holeintheworld · 07/04/2015 15:59

Vivacia, you made me smile with the romantic air of mystery thing! Even mysterious romantics need to sort out cleaning don't they?! And neither I nor BF are mysterious or particularly romantic :)

OP posts:
optimisticwriter · 07/04/2015 16:33

I think that it is partly the ongoing nature of the task, and also what you have written about him in your posts.....

So, if you were a landscape gardener, you might get paid for sorting out his garden into something lower maintenance and tidy (so a one-off, project), and then you might agree to review it every spring and autumn. But in-between you'd expect him to mow the grass, dead-head the flowers and at least pick up any rubbish that got blown there. And... there is a limit to how fast the grass and plants grow. Ditto with his hair - he couldn't make it grow any faster, by being lazy or busy.

However you have said that he had a sink full of dishes, and a kitchen sink you had to clean before you could cook. I think that is what's worrying. You're not talking about someone who is simply too busy to iron flannelette sheets, or hoover under the sofa (many people wouldn't do that), but it sounds like he is too busy, or too disinterested, or too lazy to even take care of basic cleaning. I understand not having 3 hours to clean the whole house, but does he not even have 10 minutes to wash the dishes? Would you be going in every day to wash the dishes, or would he leave them for you all week? Does he pick up his clothes, put them away, wash and iron them? Does he get rid of rubbish, put the bins out? None of these are very exciting and maybe he would find himself too busy to do any of those too.

I know that before our cleaner comes, my dh and I have a good tidy up (it's a good discipline for us) - do you think your boyfriend would do that? We also always wash the dishes before the cleaner comes - he is not here to clean up after us in that way. However if I find some area that has got overlooked by my cleaner, then I either do it myself, or I specifically point it out to him and ask him to give it some attention. How do you think something like this would be resolved? Maybe easily, and with good grace, or it might be more tricky.

But if he doesn't clean, or garden, or update his technology or take particular care of his grooming (hair), then it sounds like he needs a full-time housekeeper, or a butler, or a concierge, or a parent.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/04/2015 20:39

Nothing really wrong with it, but I would insist on a written contract with KPIs, rates, schedules, proper invoices and reporting for HMRC. Be sure to insert a declaration that Balfour does not apply.

That's how DD's chores were set, except for tax because 14 year olds don't pay it.

I'm a cruel father Wink

bonkersLFDT20 · 07/04/2015 20:51

What does a single man do that results in him having so little time he can't clean his bathroom or wash some dishes?

Does he know you mind that his home is not very clean? If so, then knowing it's important to you I think he should be making more of an effort - if he wants the relationship to progress that is.

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