Mil....I've had enough!

[TheStitchWitch]

I'll try to keep this short.
Me and dh have been married for almost 10 years, throughout that time mil has been difficult but I've been tolerant because I don't like confrontation and she's dh mum and I don't want him caught in the middle. I think I've been more than fair considering (and this is the short list)

she hijacked our wedding and when we arrived at the reception there were people that Neither me or dh knew, she'd invited friends from work.
When we got married I was 16 weeks pregnant, and she was telling everyone our child was going to be christened catholic and go to a catholic school, even though me and dh aren't religious and hadn't even thought that far ahead.

Dh earns a good wage and we have savings so decided between us that I would be a sahm, she's contantly telling me I should go back to work.

She slags off my mum.

She has made phone calls to the council pretending to be me to find out about information on our business rates, and how much we had to pay.

She's been into our house and shouted at us because we don't agree with her way if thinking.

Me and dh had a riw and I went to my mums for a couple of days fir a break, mil called my mum and told her she shouldn't be involved and should have made me stay at home.

This is just a small amount of info, lots more has happened, I could write a book.

Most recently, she kept insisting that 9 year old ds should go to karate or football lessons to toughen him up, we've asked him, he doesn't want to, he goes to art club and tennis. When dh told her no, she said "I'll take him and pay for him to go" dh said no again, but typical mil can't take no for an answer. She has been like a broken record for months going on and on about it. Because dh said no she asked me, and then a couple of days later asks dh again, it's like she thinks we'll give in under pressure.
On mothers day she came to ours she took him to one side, (where she thought we couldn't hear) and asked ds if he wanted to go to karate or football.

I didn't say anything at the time but said to dh later that she was out of order, and was trying to undermine us, dh just did his usual shrug if the shoulders.

Two days later she phoned me and said, "I'm just calling to ask about football/karate" I snapped and said "Look, you've asked, we've said no, if ds wants to got to either of those thing he will tell us and we will take him"
she said "oh ok I'll leave it to you" and hung up. She text me later to say, sorry about earlier, I don't want to fall out, Ididn't know I was sticking my nose in, I won't do it again. I text her back saying it's ok I don't want to fall out either and we do appreciate all you do.

Yesterday dh went to see her, and she started going on about how much I'd upset her, she said If stitch ever fucking talks to me like that again, she won't get away with it, to which dh replied well you do go on mum. He said she got stroppy and said "Oh I do, do I?"

I'm upset, I'm angry, firstly that she slagged me off and I wasn't there to defend myself, and secondly because dh didn't really defend me either, he never has, in 10 years
I've always said that he'd sooner upet me than her. I don't want a battle, I don't want her to stay away either, the kids love her, but I've had enough of feeling disrespected as a woman and a mother.

Sorry I know it's long and ranty, please be nice I'm feeling pretty rubbish about evetything.

I am in the same position as you OP. My MIL is an absolute nightmare, dressed as a lovely lady! Her awful behaviour affects me so much, so I have drastically reduced the time I spend with her. I have managed 3 hours this year and hope to continue like this.

I have spent 10 years in this horrible type of 'relationship' with this women and I just can't do it anymore.

It's horrible isn't it JustCallMeKeith
dh has been off work today, we should have been having fun, but I can't stop thinking about how awful she is, and how rotten it makes me feel.
Dh hasn't spoken to her since yesterday, and she hasn't called. But I know this isn't over yet, she'll start again in a couple of days.

It sounds awful

I'd match her broken record with one of your own

'About these football lessons'

'About your learning some manners lessons'

TheStitchWitch-this is exactly what I end up doing. There are days I know we are more 'at risk' of her turning up on the doorstep and I spend the whole time with my stomach in knots worrying about it. I hate it so much.

The sad thing is FIL is a nice chap. No fuss, no drama. BUT, we are not able to see him without her. FIL and DH are not allowed to spend any time together without her with them. It's sad to see.

On the plus side though, they retire soon and are buying a motorhome. She has told me that they are going to 'fuck off from everybody and travel the world!' Cannot wait!

Don't people on these threads usually say 'it's not your Mil that's the problem, it's your Dh'?

She's his mother, his problem. He needs to grow a backbone and tell her to mind her own business. And stop leaving all the pressure and responsibility to you. Bugger not worrying him about it. He's happy to let you worry about it!

I've decided to speak to dh about how I feel, im sick of acting like everytings fine when it's not. But how do I make him listen and understand? He shuts me down everytime I bring up the subject of his mother.
And she, I've decided is behaving like a spoilt child that's just been told no. I've lived with this for 10 years, I won't do it for another 10.

She sounds awful OP.

She's pulled a lot of shit in her time but this is the issue:

dh didn't really defend me, he never has, in 10 years and
I've always said that he'd sooner upset me than her

Because it's not so much her bad behaviour, it's his failure to set up the boundaries.

But here's where I (voice of experience: 10+ years NC) differ from others:

I'm more of the thinking now that if DH isn't going to stand up for me, then I'll do it myself. I would have no problem telling the truth now rather than tiptoeing around her like the rest of her family does - she knows this, and in the main, gives me a wide berth. I have no problem being cast as the awful DIL, She's given me this role anyway (wrote to our neighbours, telling them all my faults - luckily they didn't buy it) so I might as well live up to it.

I am also of the opinion, that if she slags off your mum, you can absolutely call her out on it.

I am, however, incredibly bitter about my MIL and would only recommend NC as a last resort. I would recommend calling her out on every thing from now on (because if you don't point out her errors, how will she change?). If she doesn't stop, well then, NC may be the way forward.

I would have whatever sort of row you need to have with dh to get this across: there will be no 'easy life' for dh by putting up with her. You will block calls and access, you will argue every point, you will make a huge dramatic deal out of each transgression. He is more than welcome to leave you for her, if he prefers going back to mummy at this stage in his adult life. But you are done with her and your dc are done with her. ( imagine putting into to the head of a 9 yo that he is weak and soft and needs to be changed b/c he is not good enough for mil) She is poisonous.

I too decided my DH can't protect me, I have to look after myself. It's quite a liberating position longer term.

I don't visit but kids do go with their Dad as they are older. She visits us here occasioanlly and I manage fine after the panic I feel beforehand dies down! I don't engage beyond the entirely superficial and focus on making the guest comfortable while avoiding the person iyswim. I am rude by my own reckoning but it works ok. But this is years down the line.

When he tries to shut you down - tell him that's what he is doing.

You are trying to silence me. I want and need to talk about this. You are trying to shut me up by doing X and it isn't fair.
Do you think that by doing x., saying y, you can make me shut up? Why do you not want to allow me to discuss this?
I need you to hear me, please do not do X to try to make me shut up.
We need to discuss this issue together, we should be able to have difficult conversations in a reasonable manner.

etc etc

If when he does whatever it is to shut you down (I don't know what it is he does, what does he do?) it is only effective if you comply. If you challenge him to it and say no, you will not silence me, it is childish to stick your fingers in your ears and go lalala every time I want to have a difficult conversation with you, then you can go on to have the conversation.

Thing is I saw all this coming, when dh introduced me to his mum some of her first words to me were "I can be a right bitch if I want to be"
She was trying to intimidate me from day one, and I've let her get away with it. She can't let her preciuos boys go, when we were on our honeymoon she called us at the hotel and cried saying she couldn't believe her baby was married, and how much she was going to miss him.

Fenella, he shushes me like I'm a child when I try to talk about her, he makes excuses for her behaviour, says "oh you know what she's like, just ignore her" I have tried to ignore her, I can't and won't anymore.

My jaw dropped open when I read that! He shushes you? He actually says shush to you?

Please do not accept that.

Do not make that sound at me, I am your wife, your equal, and we need to talk about this.
I do not want to hear excuses, I want to talk about my feelings and our actions.

I can't believe he says shush to you. I'd rip the face off someone who said shhhhh to me.

You're a bloody saint, woman.

op I was told on meeting mil by her ' I will be number one In my boys life' also what I thought was really creepy is she asked "does DP talks about me? What does he say? " DP had hadn't really talked about her so I made somthing up . It was really weird.

I started seeing her for what she was when I seen her EA her ten year old DGS. It was hideous.

For me it got to the point I was ready to walk. Dp recognised this as he knows what she is like and agreed to the ban of her coming here.

With yours though he won't discuss it so it's going to be harder.

I think you need to decide where you want to be with her relationship wise. Do you want to go NC or do you want to be more assertive and stand up to her. I've found that this is fundamentally in mils personality and her behavour wontbe changing anytime soon so NC is the only option for me. BUT NC comes with its own problem regarding family get togethers ect...

I didn't recognise the signs early on. She's a very delicate flower sort and presents as very vulnerable, plenty of crying though and talk of "nerves". This ultimately guilts her children into putting up with volatile nasty behaviour that comes out.

I think when you come from a "normal" family it's very peculiar and a bit hard to believe. I'm just sorry I tried to be genuinely friendly for as long as I did. Detachment has worked best for me and consistent putting of my own view with no opening for discussion. So I'd say "No, no football or karate. Cup of tea? Do you like the new Poldark as much as the old one?"

he shushes you!

You need to make a stand now. It makes you ill all this, I've been there

She told her friends I was awful for years while I was trying to be open so I assuage any guilt by remembering that!

I didn't recognise the signs early on. She's a very delicate flower sort and presents as very vulnerable, plenty of crying though and talk of "nerves". This ultimately guilts her children into putting up with volatile nasty behaviour that comes out

This ^^^

We had mil tears one Xmas eve saying she wanted to kill herself. I just got up and said 'I'll leave you to it' to dp. She got her Xmas overnight invite. She lives on the next street

Joy, I could quite happily move my family as far away from her as possible and never see her again. Obviously this isn't an option though unfortunately. I would like nc but I also want dh to tell her why.

This is unless she magically changes into a normally functioning human over night. ã??Hoping for a miracle ã??

I was told that I should accept being yelled at as "Now you know what we had to put up with as kids."

Tell him that being so afraid of upsetting someone that you have to "shush" a partner is not normal in families.

That's how it was meant to look Trying to get used to a new tablet

Joyfull: Yes I ahd a threat like that, in front of a 4 year old.

I can't expect my DH to fix his family, I've just told him what my terms are, after getting him to accept that it's not healthy and I'm not being awkward for the sake of it.

It's been their normal all their lives, sad to say.

Oh yes Funnyossity, mil always complains about nerves too, always at the doctors, she's on antidepressants.

I am a long term sufferer of depression and anxiety, but I don't behave like she does, so no I'm not believing any of her bs about nerves being the issue.

It's funny isn't it - a Medical condition used at the right time gets you out of all kinds of shit. My mil has said she has cancer twice which turned out to be she suspects then actually turned out to be her diet of red wine a cigarettes. He son had testicular cancer about ten years ago so she is evil for using 'cancer' for getting attention. DP was furious with her so he kind of ignores which makes it worse and the PA facebook memes and statues come out.

stitch you might be waiting a long time for him to say anything as he sees it as normal. I would just start doing it yourself and take the consequences. When I listed everything mil had done over the past five years she denied it very calmly and walked out. When I told DP he was white and said 'wow ! WTF did she say?' As he is used to screaming shouting storming out if he or his family pull her. So ultimately they STFU and it works. She knew I was passed that and had no reason to act up. I was shaking like a shitting dog after she went though !

funny it is sad. It's even more sad when they don't see her doing it to their dc. It won't happen with my dd

Some of her first words to me were "I can be a right bitch if I want to be. She was trying to intimidate me from day one, and I've let her get away with it

Many of us have done the same, stitch - we think that if we just appease this thing or that thing, they'll somehow appreciate it behave normally, but it doesn't work and they simply move on to the next demand

In my own case it's just one of the things which has brought about the end, but PPs are sadly right that your main problem here is your DH's attitude. Since this can only get worse, I'd hope that you can somehow make him understand what he's doing ... if not, you may have a difficult decision to make