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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still miss husband

43 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 06/04/2015 17:49

Why? It's so stupid.

He was absolutely awful to me and it was affecting the children, yet I still miss him.

I am so very lonely and I do really struggle with this.

Anyone else? :)

OP posts:
yummytummy · 06/04/2015 17:56

Yup me too. Mine was the same. V v abusive and kids better off now. But the loneliness is a killer. Also didn't help as within a month of leaving a 20 year relationship he had knocked up the OW. And still makes life difficult by messing about with contact etc.

But yes I miss what we had. U arent alone. Big hugs

pocketsaviour · 06/04/2015 17:56

Do you miss him in particular, or just having someone around?

How long were you together and how long has it been? Every relationship goes through a mourning period when it ends, no matter how awful it was. Your heart needs time to heal. Flowers

TheOldWiseOne · 06/04/2015 18:00

Yeah I know how you feel...

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 06/04/2015 18:22

Oh, we were together when I was 18; I'm now 33. So it's natural I suppose. But I just feel so very, very empty and lost and it's tough especially as I think the agreed rhetoric is you feel better when you've got them out. I'm still waiting for that part!

OP posts:
Flangeshrub · 06/04/2015 18:40

I feel the same. I was dumped in January after 11 years and 3DC. I've just had the 3 month anniversary of 'D' day (discovery of the affair) and it feels as raw as day 1,at the moment.

I've been out on some dates (urgh, I'm not ready) snogged a few blokes while out with mates (that I enjoyed!) but the internal pain and loneliness is still there.

It's like a mountain, you can't walk round it so you just have to climb it with all the pain and hardship. But you will get through it.

I feel quite lucky in that I don't love my ex anymore. His behaviour (the affair and the way he has treated me in the aftermath) has made me lose all respect for him as a man and now I just see a weak, pathetic turd when I look at him. That helps I think.

I feel for you, it's horrible being a single mum when this wasn't your choice.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 06/04/2015 18:51

Well, it was my choice - I told him to go. I just wish I didn't still love him.

OP posts:
iloverunning36 · 06/04/2015 18:57

I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible Flowers

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 06/04/2015 19:01

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 06/04/2015 19:02

Without wishing to sound cliched. if it was affecting your DCs then you have absolutely done the right thing.

You have one life and you deserve to feel safe and be happy - he couldn't give you that.

It is hard, I know that but it does get easier, I promise you Flowers

Flangeshrub · 06/04/2015 19:02

That's horrible then, to want something that you know is wrong for you.
I guess time is the only answer, boring old cliche that it is Flowers

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/04/2015 19:06

Oh and another cliche, 33 is so young. I'm 41, my STBXH left I kicked him out when I was 39. He's now living with OW.

You have so much to give to someone who truly cares for you but there is no hurry. At these tough times, try and think of the awful way he made you feel, you don't have that anymore.

I know love doesn't just disappear but the pain does get easier.

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 06/04/2015 19:14

Thank you, it helps others understand. I keep feeling as if I am lacking in some way for still caring although he was awful Sad

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 06/04/2015 19:19

Love doesn't just stop. It just shows how much you invested in the relationship and how much you cared for that person.

Try not to berate yourself but there does come a time when you need to push those thoughts out of your head.

The love and the dread consumed me when I found I was suddenly alone and I had to ^allow myself time to think of those things but then said out loud, 'enough Cotton, enough now'.

Hold your DCs close, they will be your strength

VeniceByDay · 06/04/2015 21:47

What exactly do you love about a man who was awful to you?

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 06/04/2015 21:50

He could be charm personified Venice. He was clever, strong, capable and could be very funny.

I also understand why he was so awful, which doesn't condone his behaviour by the way.

OP posts:
yummytummy · 06/04/2015 22:02

Venice they don't start off being awful

iloverunning36 · 06/04/2015 22:05

Yea the happy times had to be there otherwise you wouldn't stay. It's crazy but you only understand it once you've been there yourself. Cake

Janebob0 · 06/04/2015 22:35

You will get through this. I've been there myself and the loneliness does go. It expires eventually. The way I see it is that life is a hard journey. It has its ups and its downs. All the time that I spent feeling lonely, I was still living, still existing. It's part of life's journey. Some people never have to go through it but most people do in one way or another, so try not to feel hard done by. It may take years to get to a point where you feel whole again but I promise you it will happen and try, when you can, to help the healing process along. Exercise, positivity. Sometimes it's tough to find the energy but even if you have a little, keep on trying. And very importantly try to be optimistic that one day you will feel better. That one day good things will happen again. It may be far in the future but have that nugget of optimism deep inside you. I think that makes a difference.

You also have DC. That is such a blessing. I know it's probably annoying to point that out. But seriously...I have a friend just dumped in her early 40s. No DC. It's so so hard for her without children.

Sending you strength.

Janebob0 · 06/04/2015 22:38

Oh and a little bit more from my personal experience. When love finally found me again, It was just the most womderful thing, and those years I spent so alone and lonely I think made me value it so much more. I think that is real privilege, to be able to do love justice. To value a new relationship in its purest form because I waited so Long for it. Hope this helps x

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 07/04/2015 08:19

The problem is that because of the children I won't be meeting anyone else Janebob (I Mae this committment when I threw him out: no judgement on those who do but I felt the children had been through enough.)

Besides, I'd never get to meet anyone!

OP posts:
Ouchbloodyouch · 07/04/2015 08:27

To be honest I missed my ex right up until the day I met my current 'interest' meeting him blew it all away (i am in no way a serial monogamist ) the relationship with my ex wasn't great and he cheated on me so I should have been over him?? Hmm
Maybe I was just hankering after the rose tinted vision or I might have been lonely. I am not settling by the way I do really like my new boyfriend.. a lot

I do think if I hadn't met him I would still be missing my ex and 'the good times' but my vision was skewed

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 07/04/2015 08:32

I think I'll always miss him. I just can't live with him.

OP posts:
Namechanger2015 · 07/04/2015 08:37

I also understand. I left my abusive DH in Jan and took our 3DC after he physically assaulted me infront of them.

He has pleaded and begged and promised to change and I sometimes think tht he might. He has taken the DC to his parents for the week whilst I have been away for the first time without them. I feel very alone without them and have missed the company of a spouse. We did used to have lovely breaks away a lot of the time, even if he moaned about going, and I did all of the packing wtc it was usually lovely once we went.

I have no idea if a new changed man will emerge from this mess. But today I will work, and go for a walk and do some chores to get through the day.

One day at a time is the only way forward at the moment. We can do this together. One day life will be good again.

Namechanger2015 · 07/04/2015 08:38

When did you leave him OP? I'm guessing it's still early days?

Original poster
Marmaladedandelions · 07/04/2015 08:42

Mine insisted he'd change as well, but he can't.

Namechanger, write it all out. When I did so, I was horrified at how gradually he'd destroyed me. It was a slow (VERY slow, one friend at a time) isolation and he used to twist situations round to be my fault, all the time. He's so arrogant.

Whenever I feel bad I look at my notes and think 'no chance!'

OP posts: