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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend is having an affair............

33 replies

Northerner · 28/04/2004 12:44

She doesn't know I know. Should I say something? I want to but my dh says I should stay out of it and it's nothing to do with me. She is married with a ds and he is in a long term relationship with a baby.

I can't believe she is doing this and it will be really hard to bite my tongue, so I'll probably have to avoid her.

Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Codswallop · 28/04/2004 12:46

I ahve this with my MIl and dh and i have decided to leave it.

we have dropped hints and I think she is so blinkered that she doensnt know

Original poster
Northerner · 28/04/2004 12:47

Your MIL is having an affair?

OP posts:
Codswallop · 28/04/2004 12:47

..and believe yiou me its hard for the codster to bite her tongue!

CountessDracula · 28/04/2004 12:47

Just ignore it I would say. It's not really your business and you will just lose her as a friend if you say anything. Silly cow. and him.

Maybe just a mid life crisis that will go away.

Codswallop · 28/04/2004 12:47

ooh yes

with steve LOL

Codswallop · 28/04/2004 12:47

and maybe her dhknows?

CountessDracula · 28/04/2004 12:47

who on earth is Steve?

Codswallop · 28/04/2004 12:48

MIls toy boy

Twinkie · 28/04/2004 12:49

Don't get involved - if they get through this you will have lost a friend and her partner as friends as they will never trust you again and could even turn on you!!

Original poster
Northerner · 28/04/2004 12:51

It's hard to ignore because the guy she is having an affair with, his girlfiend is good friends with one of my bestfriends if you follow me. So my friend is supporting her friend who is going through hell because he has told her he loves someone else, and it's my friend he's in love with.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Beetroot · 28/04/2004 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Janstar · 28/04/2004 13:03

I would stay out of it. If your friend decides to talk to you about it you can make your views known to her then. If you feel you want to avoid her that is her loss. I hate it when this kind of situation rears its head. The danger is that if it all comes out just knowing can lead to one or other partner blaming you for telling them, or not telling them, or telling their partner...aaargh, it's a minefield.

If people must do these stupid, stupid things why can't they make sure no one finds out and gets put in this horrible position?

Sonnet · 28/04/2004 13:44

Northerner - I too am for the "ignore it, don't say anything" camp BUT
I've got to ask thou, have I understood it right?
Your friend, who is having the affair, is supporting her friend who's b/f has tod her he dosn't love her knowing it is herself who he is having an affair with??? if you follow me...
Well, Nice friend, are you sure you want her as a friend?

Codswallop · 28/04/2004 13:46

wow

I have got to agree sonnet
cant you talk to the other woman?

Original poster
Northerner · 28/04/2004 13:50

No No No Sonnet.

My friend A, has a friend B, who's partner is having an affair with my friend C. My friends A and C are only really aquaintances. Make sense yet?

OP posts:
Kayleigh · 28/04/2004 13:51

This sounds like it is all going to get very nasty, and I wouldn't want to be caught up in the middle. I'd agree that it is best to stay out of it if you possibly can.

Your friend doesn't sound too nice by the way

Codswallop · 28/04/2004 13:52

can we have genders please?

gieve them names

Twinkie · 28/04/2004 13:52

No one of her friends is supporting the girl who's guy has told her he is having an affair - but that friend is not the one he is having the affair with!!

I think it could all get complicated and you could lose friends, be forced to take sides and all sorts if you let on you know.

Oh how do you know by the way??

Kayleigh · 28/04/2004 13:52

oh, sorry - I got the wrong end of the stick too.
God, that would be really mean.

Original poster
Northerner · 28/04/2004 13:59

Ok here goes.

My best friend is Laura
A good friend of mine is Caroline
Laura and Caroline know each other as aquaintances
Laura has a very good friend cald Sarah
but I don't know Sarah. Are you still with me?

Anyway, Sarah confided To Laura that her partner (lets call him Steve)is leaving her because he is in love with a woman he works with. Sarah now knows her name and some personal details about her. When Sarah was saying all of this my friend Laura, realised the woman in question is my friend Caroline.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northerner · 28/04/2004 13:59

I have changed the names to protect the innocent.

OP posts:
Sonnet · 28/04/2004 14:00

Ahhhh got it now!!! - sorry for the confusion.
Whjat a horrible position to be in!! I think I'd ignore it all then...easier siad than done I know..

Codswallop · 28/04/2004 14:02

Lol northeer!

I get it know

Kayleigh · 28/04/2004 14:06

Sonnet, I couldn't get it either !! Maybe I should go blonde
Thanks for explaining Northerner !

geordiegirl · 28/04/2004 14:39

Joining the thread with a different perspective:- I'm recovering from my dh's recent affair with someone at his work.It's been over for 4 months now but nearly tore our family apart when reality hit home and it all came out in the open.My view (for what it's worth) is you could tell your friend that you know about the affair (without expressing views unless she asks)and point out that if you know who else knows or will soon know? The thing I've learned about affairs is they are fueled by the fantasy of the situation, the excitement comes from the ilicit nature of it all and reality is kept out of it. When people start to find out reality hits hard and it's decision time for all involved your friend hasn't got to the reality bit yet, you telling her you know makes it all real. However I do agree with others that it may not be a situation you want to put yourself in it depends on your relationship with your friend.(I certainly would have wanted to know sooner- I only got told when the other woman's dh found out and was threatening to come and see me. Before that I was in 16 years of married bliss!!!) Just thought a different view point might help the debate.

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