NC for this, think DH is reading!
Glad I'm not in work tomorrow because I've not slept and I'm sat here shaking and angry.
I'll try to keep it short ... Basically DH has sent for 2 new credit cards in the space of a few months. It's out of character but he's done it secretly, I've just found out by chance. Things have been strained for a while but we rub along ok most of the time.
He's not always been honest with me, he's hid things, lied to me and defended himself passionately when found out. Most of the time blaming me for anything he's done. He's previously had an EA many years ago that we managed to get through and all I ever wanted from him after that was total honesty but he's failed on many occasion.
We've had a rocky few months, I suspected he was lying and hiding something from me and when I questioned him he turned it around on me and accused me of being paranoid and trying to control him. I felt in my heart something just wasn't right so I asked if I could check his phone. He went ballistic and threatened to leave which made me feel even more suspicious. Eventually he threw his phone at me and sat staring at me. Once he'd given me his phone I felt more relieved and was happy to give it back without checking but his actions and demeanour stirred something inside me.
After a quick check through the call and message history I was satisfied I was in the wrong and apologised for my behaviour and was promising to stop being so ridiculous and get some help. He became really shifty and kept snatching for his phone back, hovering over me, going on about how he couldn't carry on like this anymore and it felt really bizarre but I couldn't put my finger on why. I opened his phone again and opened the browser history, he swore blind he'd never used his phone to go online, but there it was! Search after search, one pornographic picture after another.
I felt so low, so unattractive, so unloved, I broke down and he said it was normal and I was being stupid and all men do it. I then discovered he was pleasuring himself whilst I was in the house, he'd go to the bathroom or up to bed while I was still busy downstairs, surf on his phone and arouse himself but there was never any sex or intimacy between us. He blamed me and accussed me of being unapproachable which only made matters worse :-(
He's constantly on his iPad, we rarely speak, he's changed all his passwords to his email accounts and has 2 new credit cards and changed all his banking and phone bill to online, oh and never ever leaves his phone unattended and is permanently put on charge by the side of him each night.
So, this evening my suspicion as become uncontrollable again and when he's gone up to bed I've checked his online browsing history on his iPad. All of which has been cleared. I then checked mobile data and found he'd been checking mumsnet, been surfing online gambling sites, a pay per view porn site and another forum were the EA started many years ago.
So, what the fook do I do now? I know I can't just ask, he'll deny it as he as done in the past. He won't hand over his phone for me to check, he'll hit the wall sideways if I outright accuse him and throw it all back at me. I will not LTB, I will not leave my home and have my DC's affected by this. So how the hell do I handle it?
Sorry this is longer than I thought it would be, thank you for reading if you're still here x