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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you get past finding you DH irritating once you've got to that point?

34 replies

BumgrapesofWrath · 06/04/2015 00:00

Just that really.

When me and DH got together, and for a good many years we were very happy. I used to feel quite smug thinking that we had it nailed.

Nearly 10 years later, and after having two kids, I feel almost constantly irritated by him. The things I used to love and admire about him now drive me mad.

I feel like I'm playing along a lot of the time, and I'm really trying to make the effort.

I would like to point out that I don't think he or his behaviour has changed at all. He certainly isn't a bad person.

I'm just wondering is this a point that some relationships come to? Do things improve with time? Sometimes, after a day with the children I almost can't be bothered or have the energy to deal with him (he's not high maintenance though.)

The physical side of the relationship has also gone to rat shit. We have sex once or twice a month, usually when I have my ovulation horn, any other time I really don't want it (and evidently, neither does he as this hasn't been an issue for him.)

It's not like I want another man either, or that I think the grass is greener, certainly not!

I could never have foreseen feeling like this about him, I was absolutely besotted with him.

I'm not sure what I'm really asking here, but help!

OP posts:
MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/04/2015 00:05

It is just a phase... not a fun one, but you can get through it. I think every married couple goes through this at some point. I know what drives me potty about DH, and I know there are things I do that drive him nuts. Grit you teeth and battle through. You'll be on an upswing soon enough. Easter Smile

Original poster
BumgrapesofWrath · 06/04/2015 00:10

That's heartening to hear! Thank you!

OP posts:
MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/04/2015 00:11

PS - I should add that if this is the first time this has happened and you have been together 10 years, you really do have a great marriage by any standards. IMHO.

FATEdestiny · 06/04/2015 00:11

I second that it's just a phase.

In order to appreciate (and feel smug about) the great times in your marriage, there also needs to be some dull and hard times too (I realise I sound like a cliché).

Just carry on and soon you'll be on an upswing, as PP said.

VenusRising · 06/04/2015 00:17

Have some date nights. The grind can be relentless, and you do need to reconnect again.

Dig deep and be nice, compliment him, you'll find he's nice back, and this rough phase is just that.

Don't let resentments fester. Try not to use harsh blaming language.
Try and massage each other and reconnect by doing things together. Hold hands.

kikiliki · 06/04/2015 00:34

There's quite a good book called mating in captivity which offers a fair bit of advice on getting some of the good times back into the relationship.

Steppeoneggs · 06/04/2015 00:42

yup, it is a phase.

I find that I need space for me first, just enough to stop feeling as if the world needs me to keep going.
Then I need time with him. Time to relax and remind ourselves what we love about each other.

I did a marriage course years ago and one thing we had to do was write down 3 things which we fell in love with when we first met and 3 things we love about our spouse now. It was a nice thing to do. Then we had to share one/all of them with our spouse.

Those sort of things do make you reflect on your relationship in a positive way.

lunalelle · 06/04/2015 01:52

How old are the kids? My first husband used to piss me off, hence him not being my present husband, but he would piss me off all the more when I was looking after two small children.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 06/04/2015 03:52

I could right your post word for word except for the sex part (we do it more frequently but I don't want it any more than you do)

I'm so bored of it to be honest. Hoping it is just a phase because I know life would be much tougher alone and I know the grass isn't greener. But he annoys and frustrates and bores me a fair amount on and off

FeijoaSundae · 06/04/2015 04:28

I agree with the others that it's probably just a phase. When you live with someone long term, day in, day out, there will be highs and lows and times when you just get on each others nerves.

I wouldn't pack it in just yet, you're bound to come out the other side. And if not, review the situation then.

Jokerstotheright · 06/04/2015 05:08

I don't think it's a phase but I do think it's completely normal. It usually happens to me much earlier in a relationship. You either grin and bear it or it gets so bad you decide you can't live like that. He sounds like a good man though so you could see how you feel in six months or so.

sweetmuffins · 06/04/2015 08:24

This sounds like me, OP. What things irritate you about DH? I hope things get better for you as at least you loved those things about him to begin with. Maybe it's loss of attraction to him that makes those same things irritating to you now?

I'm irritated by nearly everything my DH does and I think it's because I don't fancy him. I despise the way he doesn't tidy up after himself or close cupboards or drawers after use; the way he never puts things back after he's finished with them, the way he thinks he's telling a joke that only he laughs at, the way he farts and burps openly and finds it hilarious, the way he leaves dirty socks lying around the house, the way he says he's the head of the family when he earns far less than me and doesn't look after the bills or organises the finances, the way I tell him something but he doesn't seem to remember later, the way he watches youtube vids all day at the weekend and doesn't help me with the housework or with DD (5), the way he touches me at inappropriate times, the way he tries to initiate sex when he's just been going on about how he sees himself as useless as he can't earn much money for us as a family (hardly a turn on!), the way he has such low self-esteem and his constant reminders that he would sooner end his own life than to be without me or lose me to a more worthy man, the way he won't take my advice on actively looking for a higher paid job and instead constantly grumbling about how his current job doesn't pay well... the lost goes on.

His lack of height also really bothers me. When we first got together 10 years ago, I let the fact he is short (only 1 inch taller than me and I'm petite) pass as I liked his qualities and thought I could see passed it. But he's also got small feet, size 5.5 for a man is tiny! It never used to bother me much but as I've lost interest in him, I find it repulsive and needless to say a huge turn-off.

Like you, OP, I'm in the same boat and don't know what to do.

Fairylea · 06/04/2015 08:31

I think finding minor things irritating is a phase and normal but I think when you get to the stage that even their breathing is annoying you've had it. I remember lying next to my ex dh and wanting to kill him because he dared to breathe next to me while he was sleeping. :) I don't think there's any coming back from that...... (and there wasn't, I left).

But with dh now well we annoy each other regularly. We have a row if it's worth it and move on. I do think it's normal to an extent.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 06/04/2015 08:35

I'd shag him more. Shagging really helps the irritation thing.

sweetmuffins · 06/04/2015 08:37

How can you shag someone who irritates the cr#p out of you?!!!

BringMeTea · 06/04/2015 08:46

sweetmuffins Christ that sounds hard work. Have you ever considered divorcing? Serious question. I just think you could be happier either alone or with someone else.

sweetmuffins · 06/04/2015 08:49

I sometimes think it's me as he still clearly loves me and IN love with me. Or do men touch their DWs intimately regardless of feeling?

Sorry to hijack your thread OP!

Comingoutofhibernation · 06/04/2015 08:53

How old are the DC's OP? I think when children are young it is very easy to use up all your emotional energy dealing with the children, and have none left for anyone else. As thy get older it will improve.

TendonQueen · 06/04/2015 08:54

Your post is all about how he now irritates you, without considering the possibility that you too might irritate him. Love in a long-term relationship takes account of the fact that each person puts up with things that annoy them about their partner, but that works both ways and their partner puts us with their annoying characteristics too.

BringMeTea · 06/04/2015 08:55

Yes, very sorry OP! My thoughts on your situation is that it seems salvageable for sure.

sweetmuffins. Your situation sounds terrible. For you. I know I couldn't cope with the 'poor me' bollocks. It is very unattractive. Would you like 'out'?

Rinkydinkypink · 06/04/2015 09:00

I find the more exhausted, dissatisfied and fed up I get the more irritating DH is. Also the more I have to do around the house/garden and the slower he is at helping me. It's a sign of stress and cabin fever Grin

It's usually a sign that I need to do two things a) we need time together either on a family holiday, date night or a family day out/picnic etc. b ) time for myself and space. A day out with a friend or on my own doing what I want to do.

I've been with dh now for 19 years and it happens every now and then. I had one huge blip about 3 years ago but it turned out I was depressed, generally frustrated and needed something new.

sweetmuffins · 06/04/2015 09:05

Depending on what OP finds irritating, I agree the relationship might be salvageable. I hope it is.

With my situation, I feel there's no hope. I often wonder whether I got married too young (21) just out of uni. He's unattractive. He keeps talking himself down and has done for the last few years. I told him many times to keep his head up and something good jobwise will come along but he just won't proactively do anything about his situation. I thus become v irritated and feel so turned off by him.

I hope OP's situation is not as dire as mine as I'd hate to think my situation was more common.

Jokerstotheright · 06/04/2015 09:21

Oh dear you can't live like that sweet muffins.

Jokerstotheright · 06/04/2015 09:26

I had a thread on here about a year ago asking if it was normal to be really irritated by your partner. Most people said no, not to the extent I felt it.

I wasn't married though. I ended the relationship after a year and felt such relief and no regrets.

It depends I think if you can hide your irritation. If it affects how you treat the other person it's not fist on them.

Jokerstotheright · 06/04/2015 09:26

Fair sorry

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